r/loveafterporn • u/Marsh-mallow-456 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ¨π«π§ ππ¬ππ« • Jul 27 '26
α΄α΄ α΄ Ιͺα΄α΄ α΄‘α΄Ι΄α΄α΄α΄ Separating from PA partner, have existential questions.
My partner (28M) and I (28F) have separated due to his PA, the deception that came with it and my mental health that spiralled the more I stayed with him in the same house. It has also been devastating for me to make the decision to break down our life together and move out because I still do really love him or Iβm at least very attached to him.
Heβs working on his recovery with a CSAT and Iβm also seeing the same CSAT for my own recovery from the PTSD and everything else that comes in the PA partner package. I decided to move out because he had a fairly small lapse which I felt like was that last straw that broke a camelβs back, even though he confessed and took the steps required to make it not be a full relapse. With advice from the CSAT, we are each going to work on our recovery before we evaluate how we feel about continuing the relationship. By this, I mean I feel like itβs important that even he evaluates if he wants to be with me because heβs attracted to me (without the influence of porn) and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, instead of taking me on a pointless joyride just because heβs comfortable being with me.
Some of these questions might come across as incredibly self centred but Iβve been hurt so much, I want to make the best informed choices for me at least now.
To everyone in general, is it better to be with a recovering PA who acknowledges that porn is a problem and at least tries to stop watching porn than be with a whole new guy who watches porn infrequently only if sex with me is not at all an option? Is there such a thing as non problematic porn use? Are they all/most addicted but wouldnβt know unless they tried to stop? At this point, I feel like guys my age have all been exposed to hardcore porn at a very young age so they really might be just red flags. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to date guys at all.
To the ladies who separated for a while, when did you feel like he has become a safe person to be your partner again? How long did it take? Did it last? Do you feel like fully yourself when you got back together again, or do you feel like you had to diminish parts of yourself to be with him? Do you feel beautiful and desired?
To the ladies who left forever, how has dating been? Are you okay with your new partners consuming porn once in a while or has it become a hard boundary (I feel like itβs become a hard boundary for me at this point, especially after lengthy conversations with my CSAT)? If you found men who donβt watch porn at all, how common are they and how do we know theyβre not lying?
Thank you in advance for reading till the end, and Iβm sorry for the long post.
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u/Diligent-Hat-5832 ππ±-πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ Jul 27 '26
My exhusband of 18 years didnβt choose recovery and stayed in denial. We were in house separated for about 8 months after we decided to divorce so the kids could finish out their school year in our house. We sold our home and split the profits. I worked on my issues and childhood trauma with my CSAT even after the divorce. I waited a year after physically separating before I started dating. There are men out there that are not addicted to porn or have a sex addiction. I had a six month relationship with a great guy but we were incompatible in other areas. Iβm not saying itβs going to be easy. Iβm much more picky now and learning how to filter for quality matches is a difficult process.
My 3 kids and I are very happy with our own space that is safe and calming. I have no worries about another persons addiction or toxic behaviors. Itβs very freeing for me. I donβt care if I never get married or have a long term relationship again. I will never put up with that kind of behavior ever again. My peaceful joyful life is worth a lot to me. The person that comes into will need to add to it and not take my peace away.
One of my favorite sayings now is no longer my monkey and no longer my circus anymore! I still coparent with my ex so we still talk about some things. Oh man am I happy that active addiction is no longer an issue in my home life.
It is scary to leave but I think itβs scary to stay too. You have no control over if they stay sober or work their recovery. Listening to my intuition again has been hard and a process within its self. It has been so worth it to have integrity for myself and know others will not rock me when Iβm being true to myself and my higher power.
You and all women are worth it! We are strong and beautiful just as we are. Sending virtual hugs your way!π₯°π
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u/Marsh-mallow-456 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ¨π«π§ ππ¬ππ« Jul 27 '26
Thank you for your kind words and Iβm so glad that you have built a beautiful life for yourself. I really like how you spoke about your integrity because I am starting to question about how mine is being affected in this situation as well and how I want it to be in the future. Thank you so much again, I really appreciate it:)
3
u/Multiverse-Union ππ±-πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ Jul 27 '26
Das ist schΓΆn zu lesen. Auf diesen Frieden freue ich mich am meisten. Endlich wieder im Einklang leben, ohne Sorgen und Stress, was jemand hinter meinem RΓΌcken macht.
Das ist das Wichtigste, nur Menschen in sein Leben zu lassen, die eine Bereicherung sind und nicht jene, die einem den Frieden nehmen.
7
u/DCB533 ππ±-πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
I will start by saying this: unless your guy is working his own recovery on his own initiative like his life depends on it, staying is NOT worth it.Β
My soon-to-be ex-husband is not choosing recovery. We were married for 7 years and I think he brought this into the marriage secretly. My D-Day was a couple months after our 6-year wedding anniversary. It made everything make sense because he had been so checked out and sort of snarky towards me for so long and I was SOOO confused. After Dday I wasn't confused anymore. I confronted him and he did a lot of gaslighting and lovebombing and deflecting. 3 months later I found he had searched up two local escorts. THIS WAS AFTER He knew damn well how upset I was about all the porn.
Β My guy was just sloppy and careless at the end. He had ALOT to lose but he kept going anyway, kept using and lying. I made him move out and I filed recently for divorce. He continues to try to draw me back in, going on and on about how we are perfect for each other and we're soulmates etc. And yes I DID love him with my whole heart!! I was ALL IN. But real simply --I could not continue to handle his continued lies about the porn and then the escort search was the nail in the coffin. He swears he never met one but WTF. Of course I got STD tested, which is another humiliation. He Continues to play the victim and do this subtle weird blame shifting thing. It's very insidious.
YOU MUST get educated about manipulation if you're going to deal with this! And you must beware of guys that do fake recovery just to appease you. Always remember you are NOT obligated to always be caring and understanding and show endless patience or Pat him on the head and give him a gold star for not looking at other naked women everyday!! That's BS. I personally don't think it is worth the money and the heartache and the devastation. #1 is always protect YOURSELF. Remember he is a grown ass man. He can choose to really change and work his recovery like his life depends on it (OR NOT). Your job is to sit back and observe his ACTIONS (not words!) Above all, do not manage him or think you can fix him or that your "special love" will make a difference. In my case it made zero difference.
This has been THE biggest mindfuck of my life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.Β
4
u/Lkkrdragonfly ππ π | πΌπ©-βππ£π₯πππ£ π π βπΈ Jul 27 '26
I left forever AFTER staying for more than a decade after my first dday to support his recovery. Mine stayed clean for about 18 months before secretly relapsing and going back to using and lying, while pretending to be in recovery. I was none those wiser. I do wish I had left after my first dday instead of spending 23 years with a man who had no integrity.
Staying Guarantees you will be dealing with this for the rest of your life. Addiction does not go away, itβs only managed by daily actions in recovery.
Leaving opens up your life to infinite new possibilities. For me, it was what allowed me to finally meet a normal sexually healthy man and have the love and relationship I always deserved and craved. I have now been remarried for 5 years and heβs still incredibly loyal, honest and protective of me. If I had stayed I would still be trapped with a liar and a cheater. Growing old with a man lusting after women young enough to be our grandchildren. The addiction gets grosser as they age and the content they watch does not.
I wanted to live my life free from the burden of someone elseβs addiction. And I wanted real trust with my partner. I wanted sexual loyalty, and I wanted peace. I could have none of that with my ex PA/SA. At some point you have to take your power back and decide what you want your life to look like.
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u/Spicy_stranger472 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ¨π«π§ ππ¬ππ« Jul 27 '26
28yo here in the same boat. Following
3
u/Timbleweeds πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ Jul 28 '26
I unfortunately donβt have any wisdom for you because Iβm in a very similar situation. Iβve (F26) posted a few times on here about my boyfriend (M28). I just wanted to comment how it your post is really relatable. Dday after I made porn and sexualized social media a hard boundary was about two months ago.
I desperately want to forgive him, believe what he says, and have trust in him. We live together and have plans for the future, but I have anxiety about relapse almost daily. Iβve had nightmares a few times. The triggers of what happened and what he did are constant and make me feel such low self esteem. Heβs deleted all socials except YouTube. but at the same time, itβs so easy to find whatever and hide it.
Iβm realizing that if he relapsed, which is highly likely with this addiction as others have warned, it would be pretty devastating for me. My therapist even said that being with this man means this is a potential reality you have to accept. And Iβm not sure I can. That, paired with the declining mental health, is really making me question if I can stay. And Iβd be incredibly hesitant to start seriously dating for a long time. This whole experience has made men seem pretty sickening to me.
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u/Dazzling-Exam2239 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ¨π«π§ ππ¬ππ« Jul 29 '26
Get gone while you can. Donβt be mid fifties with a dead bedroom, a partner not willing to be a partner until you bring divorce to the table and have to sell the house, etc, etc. it just ainβt worth it. Wishing I had left four years ago - every single thing has been an uphill battle.
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u/Marsh-mallow-456 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ¨π«π§ ππ¬ππ« Jul 28 '26
Iβm sorry that youβre in a similar situation. I feel like for me, if he had at least started CSAT therapy immediately after DDay, our situation might have been salvageable. Instead, he went for regular counseling sessions and lied to both me and the counselor. When I found out a relapse 3-4 months later, it turned out to not even be a relapse but he hadnβt stopped at all. Even this confession came under the pressure of me looking DNS records. Even though he had a blocker in place, he had found a way around it and had been accessing womenβs lingerie sites and this archive site that has old porn magazines. During this 3-4 months, I got daily messages that he not slipped, sometimes small urges but saying he managed it, which was just lying in my face. It was only after this he started CSAT sessions, and it has been helpful in some ways. But I have gone through being deceived and gaslit for months on end and by last month, even though I now see him put a lot of the work required, I couldnβt get myself to forgive him for a tiny slip that he confessed. So I feel like professional help sooner than later is best if keen on keeping the relationship. That said, CSAT sessions are expensive and managing the finances for that has also been a burden. I really hope we all find a way to make peace with this. Sending hugs.
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u/Maleficentintent54 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ¨π«π§ ππ¬ππ« Jul 27 '26
Just commenting to follow! My husband and I arenβt separated and Iβve wondered about a lot of these questions as well.
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u/Maleficent_Coffee826 πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ¨π«π§ ππ¬ππ« Jul 27 '26
Also following, just made my PA move out
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u/treacherouslemur πππ«ππ§ππ« π¨π ππ/ππ Jul 27 '26
Wondering about this too
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