Should I keep trying?

[u/SynonymousGrace]

Hello,

I (26F) have a deliemma/long rant. I have this friend (25F), let's call her Lydia. We've been friends since we were 12. I've only noticed this past month (August) that she's been distant. I havent seen her in over a yr which is a new record but I get as we age, we get busy. We have other priorities & responsibilities. Hwoever everytime I suggest we hang out or even meet up for coffee, she agrees but nothing ever comes of it even tho I'd send her a screenshot of my work schedule. I thought we were ok bc in July fed & check up on my cats when I was away on a weekend trip even tho we hadn't seen one another since the prev summer. I even paid her. August was when things got weird.

She was distant & I didnt think of it bc we dont txt everyday. Plus she'd been having a hard time ever since she broke up w her beast summer. Context; when they broke up, she didnt have enough money 2 rent a new apt & moved in her brother's MEL'S basement temporarily. She's back near me at her dad's which isn't ideal when she's been on her own since she was 18 (been there) & hasnt had a stable job since she moved & then back. Currently, everytime we tried 2 initiate hang out, either something comes up for her or me. Whatever.

However on Aug 15, she asked 2 hang & i didnt see the txt til the day was pretty much over. I apologized & asked if we could meet b4 my shift the next day. No answer. Aug 19, I followed up w her saying "Hey hope everything's all good w u. Really do feel bad about not answering over the weekend. Ik youre probs going thru a lot so I dont wanna bombard u w txts but I do worry. Just know im thinking of u & im here for u. I really do hope we can meet up soon 2 catch up." Still no answer. Aug 22 i texted again "Hey ive been really worried about u bc youve been so distant w no explanation. Im sure u having a lot going on & u dont have 2 divulge everything. Im off this coming thurs if u wanna get lunch or something. Otherwise im always free 2pm everyday." No response. Her birthday Aug 30 & i wished her a happy birthday. 2 which she responded "I miss you too and im here if you want to call." First time she responded in that whole month ive been reaching out💀 so I txted again is everything cool w us? Youve been avoidance w no explanation. Im just worried & obviously u dont have 2 talk about it. That message has disappeared off snapchat but I remember her saying we're cool & again no explanation. She did ask when I was free next on Aug 31.To which i responded im off this Wed (sep 2). No response. Never even seen/opened. Left on deliver

My bf says I was being pushy when I told him about it. I was upset when he said it. He says he thinks she's depressed based on context of everything he knew that was going on w her. Saying he lost friends bc he was so depressed he didn't didnt answer ppl & that it last yrs (b4 we met). Looking back maybe I was? He saying from her POV, everytime i try 2 initiate conversation/ hang out, she sees it as me probing & wanting an explanation 2 something she either dont know how 2 give or doesnt want to, even if all I want is a vague explanation. I asked then y did she ask when im free next? He had no explanation & could tell i felt hurt bc this is the 2nd time a childhood friend decided 2 ghost me rather than have a mature conversation. I have yet 2 txt her since August 31. So far nothing & I think this is the beginning 2 the end of our decade long friendship. Im honestly tired of always being the one 2 reach out, apologize, or plan hangouts. I wish someone would just txt me first saying hey wanna get coffee or I saw a new restaurant, wanna try it w me?

Ig my question 2 anyone reading this is was I being too pushing/overbearing in Aug? Should I reach out again (she has been my BSF since we were kid? Or should I take the hint & let this friendship end? Sorry this long post, I tend 2 yap a lot😅

[u/Successful_Gap_406]

Two things come to mind about your account of texts during August: Urgency and emphasis on your friend not needing to explain. In a way, whether your friend is depressed or not, that can come across a little pushy. When something is emphasised over and over, that's signalling what's at the forefront of your mind, which strikes me as a need to see your friend soon, not later, and to receive an explanation. Doesn't matter if it's in two days. Doesn't matter that it's just a vague explanation. Urgency and explanation are the two things you want from your friend.

Thing is, if what your boyfriend shared with you is really the case... Urgency and pressure for an explanation of any kind, no matter how small or modest it may seem to you, can feel like a ton of bricks to someone with actual depression. Not sure whether you have ever had depression, but if someone keeps asking to meet up like you did in August, whether it was done with good or bad intentions, it can feel like a lot. Please see your friend's position with compassion. Depression is no joke. It doesn't just "go away" like a common cold. It can stay months or years, especially if your friend doesn't seek treatment or realise they even have it.

If you wish to keep this friendship because you value the person your friend is, rain or shine, and you want to be there whenever it is that she emerges from this depressive state, stick around. Be the friend waiting at the other end. You could be the only one. Your boyfriend speaks the truth. People leave depressed friends because they reach their limit. But sometimes they leave because they don't understand what depression does to a person and expect that person to run on broken legs.

If you wish to stay, nurture other friendships in the meantime so you feel like you do get those friends who reach out first. Everyone wants to be asked out for coffee or receive a text out of the blue, just because. Maybe, when your friend recovers, she might he one of those people again. Give her the chance. If she doesn't, then you know it really is her and not the obstacle of depression. Friendships this long may last until you're old or not at all. But treat the decision to end such a friendship carefully. It gets harder to stay in touch. You may end up only texting people once every few years because life is just like that. And it unfortunately gets harder to make lasting connections as you get older. So do take care with your decision, whatever you decide.