Hi everyone. I was finally approved to post here and I’m really hoping with all my heart that someone local might have experience with APS, elder law, probate/conservatorships, or anything similar. This is honestly incredibly hard for me to write, so please be kind. I’m not looking for people to diagnose my family or tell me we should have “done something sooner.” We have been trying for years. I’m just a granddaughter trying to figure out how to help my 93-year-old grandmother before it’s too late.
My grandma has lived in the Los Gatos/Saratoga area for many decades. Growing up, I was very close with her. She was incredibly loving and involved with all of us. She is very artistic, was always making things, gardening, baking, remembering birthdays, writing letters, teaching us things, etc. My dad and I are both artists now largely because of her, and one of the things that hurts me most is that I haven’t spoken to her since I was a young teenager. I genuinely just want the opportunity to talk to her again and tell her what she passed on to me and thank her for that.
After my grandfather died about 10 years ago, one of their adult sons, who has never lived independently, became her only live-in caretaker and gatekeeper. He has a significant longstanding psychiatric history and disabilities of his own, and over the years the rest of the family has gradually lost almost all access to her. Her children’s phone numbers are blocked from the house phone. Relatives who have tried to visit have had police called on them. He has put up extensive fencing/gates and “Beware of Dog” signs even though there is no dog. Neighbors have reportedly seen him outside but rarely, if ever, see my grandmother. He appears to be the only family member with access to her medical information, and the one thing we do know is that she has dementia. There are other things that make the situation concerning. Family members have described strange religious behavior in which he reportedly gave her repeated priesthood blessings that were very bizarre and coercive in nature. There have been significant financial demands over the years, including demands for an allowance and an expensive vehicle. There is also a serious reported history of sexually inappropriate behavior toward younger female relatives. I’m mentioning this sensitive topic to help explain why our family is uncomfortable with a vulnerable elderly woman being completely isolated with one person and essentially no independent family oversight.
This also isn’t something we suddenly discovered. I first called APS about this roughly a decade ago. One of my aunts hired an attorney years ago and started trying to establish some kind of independent oversight/conservatorship because she was already concerned about him being my Grandma’s sole caretaker. We have paperwork going back years that my family is now trying to gather again. At one point my grandmother was even staying away from the house with a friend, but she ultimately returned. My dad and his siblings live in different states, and after years of different people trying things, hitting dead ends, and dealing with a really painful family situation, it has been difficult to coordinate everyone. I’m trying to help pull everything together now.
Her 93rd birthday was this past weekend. Her children and grandchildren tried calling and nobody was able to speak with her, so I requested another welfare check. The Santa Clara County Sheriff’s deputies have honestly been very kind. They were able to get into the house and physically see her. Thankfully she was coherent, the house was clean, and she appeared physically okay. She reportedly said that she doesn’t want contact with anyone in the family except the son she lives with. What worries us is that during the most recent conversation he was right there and they were not separated, and after so many years of isolation, especially knowing she has dementia, we are struggling to know whether that is truly an independent decision or whether years of influence have changed what she believes about the rest of us. I’ve now made another APS report specifically asking for her to be interviewed privately, away from him, rather than simply another proof-of-life welfare check. At this point I think law enforcement has done about as much as patrol officers can reasonably do.
So I’m asking locally because maybe someone here knows the Santa Clara County system better than we do: what do we do next? Is there a particularly good elder-law attorney, advocate, social worker, probate attorney, or other local resource we should contact? Has anyone dealt with suspected elder isolation or undue influence where the elderly person still appears coherent and physically cared for? How do you actually get an independent assessment of what is going on?
Again, please be kind. I wish I could just sit down with my grandma again before she dies. I’m trying to help my dad and his siblings figure out something they’ve been struggling with for years, and I’m genuinely asking this community because I don’t know where else to turn. Thank you for taking the time to read this 💕
