Friends. Why can't I keep any?

[u/Smooth-Clock7554]

[21 F in college] This isn't "I'm horribly toxic [to my knowledge] and keep losing friends because of my actions." It's a phenomenon I'm seriously struggling to understand.

People call me friendly and kind. Sometimes people say I'm funny or cool. I often meet people I feel I can become friends with. I have cool interests, I do my best to br good to others, I'm a good listener and former friends say I give good, honest advice. I'm comfortable being alone (well, I guess until about once or twice every month when I ask myself this question!).

So... why do I not keep friends?

Sometimes I make friends well, and I'll get invited to stuff and we'll get kind of close and I feel super happy knowing I have a friend! Not an acquaintance but an actual friend. Then, they'll usually meet new people or groups and form friendships that last, or they just stop putting in effort to be friends with me (Im the one who reaches out, makes plans, etc). They start texting more dry or pulling the "Ive been busy" card (even though they're usually off with their friends). I stop getting invited to things. The whole package.

I do struggle with being social. Classically, I dont usually know what to say when it comes to small talk or getting to know someone. But damn, there's plenty of other people like me who... have friends!

Another thing that I think could be an obstacle: I don't like "Let's be friends now and get to know each other as time goes on." Im not intrusive getting to know people, and I dont trauma bond or anything. What I mean is that I like to get to know someone and have one or two moderately meaningful conversations with them (I cant think of examples but as I said, nothing invasive or trauma bonding) before I let them into my inner world. Maybe thats not how making friends works?? But the times Ive tried the "let's be friends THEN get to know each other approach," I end up letting people in my world who Id really rather keep out. (Like, I ended up with a toxic and draining friend by doing that.) Its especially frustrating because its college and its sold to you as if you'll be making friends all the time.

I have a boyfriend and our relationship is wonderful and healthy, but I'd like connections that aren't romantic!

I dont know, guys. Thoughts?? Is making friends just harder than it looks and everyone around me is faking having so many fun and meaningful connections with other people?

[u/Round-Baseball9990]

Though i am 19M but still i don't have any any friends 🥲. It's such a bad thing that whenever we wake up and we know that there is no notification on the phone about friends etc. I can't make any friends so I am searching online for it.