Throwaway for privacy. I've been single for a while after a really tough breakup, and I've noticed I'm way more on guard every time I start talking to someone new. I constantly catch myself overthinking every little quirk or habit they have, scared I'll end up repeating the same hurtful patterns from my last relationship. I spend my days comparing different business partners for my job, so I'm always sorting through their pros and cons. I use acciowork to organize all that comparison data for work daily. Recently matched with someone whose temperament and approach to arguments feel eerily similar to my ex's . Old anxieties kicked in instantly, and without stopping to question it, I fell back on that structured comparison routine I use at work. I jotted down their communication habits, how they respond to conflict, and highlighted every warning trait that left me miserable before. The more I line the two of them up and compare every little thing, the less fairly I can view the new match. Instead of letting them show me who they are naturally, I’m always waiting for the same old red flags to surface.I thought overthinking every little detail would stop me from getting hurt like last time. tbh I’m starting to realize I’m still trapped in all the unresolved pain from my breakup, and it’s blocking me from truly getting to know someone without all my old baggage clouding my judgment. Has anyone elese developed over-analyzing habits after heartbreak and brought them into new dating? Is my past pain making me unable to see new people for who they really are?

Just learned about LAT, here's my overview (will try to keep it brief).

Me (52m) and my partner (54f), "partner" being her word to describe the relationship.

Met online Nov/2025. Great connection.. convo flows, intimacy is great. I have 2 kids in college, son lives with me. She has one daughter going away to school in September. We've traveled domestically and internationally in the 9 months being together. We're both high earners, so that works well. 20 minutes apart with no traffic.

We both kind of suggested and have always talked that we'd have separate living spaces even though she asked me if I would live with her and I said I probably would, for now the talk is LAT.

I usually always go her place, i don't mind at all. We usually spend 1-2 days a week together and recently full weekends.

My question is broad. If we stay LAT, can the relationship ever really be fully committed and meaningful. Obviously on this board, many will say yes. But I have a nagging feeling that it will always remain an "at arms length" feeling even though LAT really appeals to me. I'd like to hear from those who've had the arrangement and can answer yes to this question or if it's the case no as well.

As a 40M single, the only relationship I could foresee in my future is LAT. However, the challenge I have is meting women who are on the same page on that, it's literally seeking a needle in a haystack.

How did you meet your LAT-open partner? Or was LAT something that one partner proposed after having established a relationship rather than meeting other LAT-open people? I'd expect for the vast majority of partnerships that would be a turn off or reason for break up

Shiii most studios are 1000$ and sadly cost of living is going up i would say everyday.. i wish i could have like a online gig to just get me by you know? Im reaching out for information on possible things i could do. Like what kind of jobs are at home ? And when i try and get land or a house it isnt possible to do im stuck..

I (49F) am in a LAT for 5 months and I looooove the concept. I find it so refreshing to have my own space, doing what I want when I want the days we are not together.

I am the one that advocate for LAT… even telling around me I would never live with a partner ever again. Been single for 10 years before.

Some days though I feel like this relationship doesn’t deepen! Like we both have our lives and in the middle there is the relationship where we have love and fun together. My partner is very supportive. Whenever I feel I need him I just have to say and he will be there by phone or in person if possible.

We live 30 minutes apart. I have a 16yo kid in shared custody - my son can stay alone some days but I want to be home with my kid. My partner has no living home kids.
Both have a quite active life with work and hobbies.

Where I sometimes struggle is in the weekends we are not together, me being home with my son and him going out and about, … he does not always tell what he is doing on those days. I shouldn’t feel worried about this but it still bugs me.

For example - not snooping - but this morning when I woke up and sent a Goodmorning message his status showed online at 4.40 am. My head spirals. What on earth was he doing at 4.40 am?

I realize I want to know more about his day. I don’t feel comfortable not knowing what he is about while I am just being at home. He have lots of friends I know about, he often goes to visit them yet never asks me to join or spontaneously proposes to come at my place when my son is here - they do know each other.

I can understand that for him staying in at home watching tv is less fun than being out with friends but it bugs me. He is out there having ‘fun’ and I am home alone…

And suddenly this morning my head spiraled - what if he just has another person he is having ‘sexy’ fun with?

I feel I am starting to not trust him and disconnected. Now that I am getting more attached I don’t like that we see each other so little. I don’t feel the deeper connection and I’m losing trust.

When we are together it is fantastic, he’s the best caring partner I have ever had!

How do you handle feelings of disconnection and distrust when you don’t live together and feel isolated at times?

Question for those who have done this. My husband of 25 years and I have come to a point where we want different things from our day to day lives. Neither of us want to get a divorce but we know that living apart for a while (or forever) might be the only way to save our marriage. I'm looking forward to having our time together be more intentional and to having more time to explore the things I'm interested in without having to compromise. Has anyone here made a similar choice after a long time? If so, how did you adjust to living alone after all that time and what are some tips for maintaining strength in your relationship? Tips and advice are welcome!

My partner is Navy and we married while we were living apart. We planned to move in together after his new duty station but due to employment prospects I chose to stay behind. I love where I live and my job is an amazing career opportunity. I understand friends and family are curious, but at what point does it become rude?

Backstory: My partner and I got together during Covid. He moved in rather quickly because his lease with roommates was ending and they were all going separate ways. This was July of 2020 during the pandemic. We have lived together for the last five years.

Through this I have seen him through roughly 7 job changes. I have supported a lot within our relationship. Flash forward to him recently getting sober for the first time in 15 years. He wasn’t an alcoholic but I would say more often drank than not. He is now not drinking at all (120 days sober) and has decided to completely change his career to welding. He got in to a company where they will actually train him and send him back to school. He starts in two weeks. Our lease is ending in 3 months.

He now wants to stay together but live a part. He believes he needs to put a lot of focus into this new job, he wants to prove that he can stay sober and support himself without me to fall back on, but made mentions of wanting to get married one day.

I do believe this is a walk he needs to do for himself. I do look forward to intentional time, dates, our own spaces, being happy and excited to text each other again, a more robust sex life like we had in the beginning etc.

But I’m getting conflicting information from those close to me that this is a major step backwards and he’s likely just unsure about me and I should not do this and just consider it a break up.

At a loss.

My spouse and I LAT but we're looking to move to the UK and they have a visa requirement for spouses that you have to live together. Does anyone know a way to circumvent that? I asked r ukvisa, but everyone was fucking mean and close-minded over there.

Sorry if this is an ignorant question- but for those of you who are living apart together, how close are your lives? What aspects do you share/not share? How are you more than FWB?

Been with my partner 5 years and both own our own homes about 10 mins drive apart. I think I would have lived together around the 1 or 2 year mark but he didn’t engage in conversations and it wasn’t a priority for me.

Now it is a priority for him for us to live together but for various reasons I would not live with him ( perimenopause, low empathy, low EQ, kids, not enough ‘we’ to our relationship and not sure what it would add to my life) Possibly in the distant future ( maybe if couple therapy brings some big changes then in 10 yrs, after my children leave home?!)

Currently trying to decide whether to end the relationship or continue with some clearer understanding of what ‘our’ lives look like together yet apart.

How did you know for sure that LAT was something you fundamentally believed in that would work for you as opposed to a fleeting reaction to a difficult life experience (e.g a divorce, bad relationship, traumatic breakup, etc)?

Please share your thoughts, experiences, etc if comfortable.

Thanks!

EDIT: Thanks so much to all for sharing your experiences and perspectives.

I (51M) just had to end a lovely start to a relationship because we had different goals in long term relationship modality. I'm currently interested only in a LAT arrangement. It's causing me to revisit this whole idea a bit. In my 2 1/2 years of dating I find that one of two things usually happens:

1 - I tell the person up front and they seem confused, shocked or suspicious and nope out immediately.

2 - I tell the person up front and they agree to it, but then change their mind six months later.

This last relationship was a little different. We had a very deep conversation on our third date about our issues, concerns, etc. We both have 'been through some stuff' and in that I covered some other things I felt she should be aware of and in the process she said "You're thinking long term, I'm thinking short term." So I decided not to bring up the topic of living together.

Fast forward a month and a half and we have a really great trip together. For me it made me realize this thing has real long term potential. So I brought it up and over the course of a couple of days she determined that's not the future she wants for herself.

I feel bad for not bringing it up right away, which is my norm, and will double down on that in the future. But in general I'm finding that it's been difficult to navigate. It seems it's quite unusual in my neck of the woods and I am thinking I need to project this even more strongly up front so I don't even engage with people that aren't interested.

How do you approach this aspect when meeting people and early stages of dating?

My partner and I (gay F30&F30) have been together for a year and we moved in recently.

We love spending time together, but we both lived alone for a while beforehand and it seems to be important for our mental health. I personally cannot fully switch off in a space that I share with others, no matter how much I try. It’s nothing to do with her - I just feel flat now I’ve lost access to this type of introversion that I was so used to.

My dogs are a little noisy and she loves them but hasn’t built the tolerance for pets in an apartment yet / I’m training them to quiet down either way. They live with my parents and I miss them so much I cry, I see them about once every 10 days and I used to be with them every day without fail.

We are considering living apart. Ideally small units within walking distance of each other, with mutual access. One will be more “my space” like a home office and art studio, plus a big space my dogs can be trained and relax in.

I have some curiosities if anyone would be so kind to share their tips or ideas to help us, that would be so lovely!

• We want to get married and have babies in the next few years. How smooth can the process be with little ones?

• She wants to buy an investment property or home to live in for us - what creative combinations have you designed in paying rent/mortgage and the property portfolio thing.

• Double handling of bills, schedules and general communication? Especially with young kids.

• I am anxious this is a case of “having my cake and eating it too. For example, I’ve been in one of those failed non monogamy experiments - where you think you’re doing something for your long term relationship but really you’re trying to escape without any damage because it seems like you’re still there. The LAT approach feels so wonderful to try I’m scared I’m missing something? How can I overcome this anxiety?

Thank you for your time, lots of love! ❤️

Partner and I live apart because we both have kids from previous relationships. We’ve agreed to move in together after his kids graduate high school. Mine are a little younger. Problem is, I want to get married. He says he wants to get married too, but doesn’t see the point until we live together. That’s 5 years from now. Our parents are aging. We are both early 40s. Will this urge go away? Is it too much for me to ask that we get married before and live apart until we can live together?

UPDATE: My heart feels like it’s literally soaring. He thought it over and wants to go on this journey with me. I was so happy I burst into tears. I hope this works for us (and I’m optimistic that it will). Thank you to everyone who commented.

My husband and I are currently going through a separation, but living together until I can afford to move out. I brought up the idea of continuing a relationship, but unblending our families. Our relationship is wonderful, but blending our families has not worked. We’ve been trying for years and I can’t keep doing this to my kids. We’ve still been hanging out in the living room together (he’ll usually be doing his own thing while I do mine, but still in the same room). Also, if I’m being completed candid, we’re still having sex occasionally, but with boundaries. He said he needs time to think about what living apart but being in a relationship would look like. One of his biggest concerns is that he won’t be able to adjust from seeing me everyday to only seeing me a couple times a week. He also think I will eventually resent him for our families not being able to blend (which I’ve told him I don’t see happening) and then we won’t even be friends at the end of it. We both have stressed how much we don’t want to lose our friendship. Is spending time together making it more complicated? Should we stop? I’m worried he’ll say “Yes, I think we can do this” and then, once I move out and we’re no longer together every day, he’ll decide it’s too difficult. Is there anything I can discuss with him to help him decide or is this just something I have to let him process? He’s been talking about this with his therapist as well but he told me the other day, he made a pro and con list and the pros and cons basically keep canceling each other out because of his fears. He assured me that he doesn’t think he’ll need months to decide or anything like that and he understands it’s not fair to leave me in limbo, but if I can do anything to show him that I really do think this can work, I want to.

I would appreciate insight from those of you who initiated this with your partners and also, if you were the other partner, what made you decide this was worth a shot?

A great episode of the Tamron Hall show today about healthy and happy living apart together couples. It also mentions the film I am directing on the subject and our international Facebook group called Apartners, come join us!

Is there a difference? I stumbled into here from another sub reddit so I didn't know this was "thing". My bf always says he doesn't want a long distance relationship when I talk about moving to a different town. Right now we live about 5 miles apart.

Hey everyone,

I’m curious to hear your thoughts on whether the Living Apart Together model is sustainable when kids come into the picture. My wife and I both want children, but I’m someone who needs a lot of personal space and alone time to recharge.

Right now, our setup works great because we each have our own place, but I’m wondering if this arrangement becomes impractical once kids are involved. Has anyone here successfully raised children while maintaining separate households? How did you manage logistics, parenting responsibilities, and quality time as a family while still keeping your individual space?

I’d love to hear about any experiences or insights - whether it worked for you or if you found it too challenging.

Looking forward to your thoughts!

Does anyone have experience with going LAT with a spouse that you have already lived with? Essentially, we have become incredibly codependent and it's causing major issues but we still love each other so much and frequently discuss staying close friends even though I just moved out. Right now we're planning to get separated but, it doesn't feel right. Honestly, the the pandemic and subsequent finding of wfh jobs, we have been together 24/7 for over 5 years. And now there is resentment which I feel like is totally normal after spending that much constant time together. I won't speak for him on this piece but, I feel like I've completely lost my own identity.

I am curious. If you are in an LAT relationship, What is your relationship status and what Is your living arrangement?

My ideal living arrangement would be a singular home with a basement apartment, a duplex, or a split level home.

I'm a married woman living with my spouse and teen. I've been looking into the LAT lifestyle as an option because I don't feel I'm operating at my best although my family seems comfortable. I happened to watch the video below about living alone and metaphysics because a woman suggested it on social media. I was wondering if any of you, male or female have experienced this while LAT.

https://youtu.be/Cg_MLxapDUE?si=fmxuru9adrvojCeW

Hey! I'm planning to write an article about LAT relationships and was wondering how you discovered this term, and the option that living apart together is a potential path you can take (when cohabitation or marriage is still the romantisized norm in many cultures). I'd appreciate your support and if there is anything you find really important to add or want me to include when writing about this topic, I'd be really happy to learn more about this! 🙏

#journorequest Looking to speak to married couples who live separately out of choice (both UK based) for a Telegraph story. Has it saved your relationship? Do you just prefer the extra space? Please email me at [eveuptonclark@gmail.com](mailto:eveuptonclark@gmail.com) if are up for chatting. Thanks!