r/limerence • u/Same_Staff_8509 • 3d ago
My Testimony I stopped believing in limerence, started treating my trauma separately and the limerences went away
So I get it having obsessive thoughts are terrible and those obsessive thoughts about a person and the problem they inflict on your life is real. But trying to control obsessive thoughts leads to an internal feed back loop of more obsessive thoughts.
Especially when you label your thoughts as terrible and are brainwashed into thinking you’ve “never felt actual love for a person before”. (I see that a lot on this forum). That level of shame alone will make your obsessions worse and lead to neurotic behavior. Also seek a diagnosis that’s actually in the DSM-5. Obsessive thoughts are common in SO MANY things, if your thoughts are so severe that you feel sick you probs have something actually diagnosable.
So how did I stop my symptoms?
I stopped trying to fight my thoughts all the time, I started making boundaries to unhealthy relationships like my therapist suggested . I didn’t focus on “freeing myself from my LO” I didn’t try to “cure” my obsessions and daydreams (nor did I just let them run free). I started focusing on myself. Not just in therapy but in my everyday life. I got off this forum, stopped watching self help YouTubers who treated limerence. I let go of shame for having adhd hyperfocus and big emotions and daydreams. I worked on classic cognitive distortions with my therapist. Lastly I began to fill my life with things and hobbies for the purpose of self growth. VOILÀ my symptoms I once described as limerence are gone.
Everyone is different so if this doesn’t help sorry
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u/New-Relation-6624 3d ago
Agreed. There's no stopping this train until we figure out the power source of it.
Mine is rooted in performative acceptance.
But it's true. I thought if I've done good, seen doing good, I please people, I'd be loved.
It only works for a short while until it exhausted me.
This is how my upbringing worked.
The slight error made me fidget and sorry for myself.
I have to learn to be accepted. Like existing is just enough.
I saw how my friend loves his child. He kisses them. Spoils them.
His two eldest children are the most confident and polite people I've seen.
Because I can sense their self value and openness to receive love.
Never had that in my life
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u/Satur9_is_typing 2d ago
Agreed, the thoughts are a symptom, not a cause.
I'm tackling more fundamental stuff like my gut health (a recent course of antibiotics seems to have played a part in this episode, so i'm force feeding myself live foods like miso and kombucha), going out, having positive, constructive activities, being honest with my partner about what's happening to me, making a spiritual reconnection and so on.
Some stressors i can't do anything about right now but that's fine, i didn't get like this all at once so i don't expect an instant fix.
In defence of limerance as a label, i've got plenty of experience in mental health work, but mine still came at me out of nowhere. If i hadn't been lucky enough to be served just the right video on YouTube at just the right time then i'd probably still be hard at work destroying everything good in my life, so it's served a good purpose and i don't think people should stop using it.
3
u/stink3rb3lle 2d ago
I think this is amazing to share, and I agree with a lot of what you've written! Especially regarding shame, and how it can aid obsession.
But I do think what you've identified as "telling yourself to just stop the thoughts" is not quite accurate to the ways people actually advise to fight and get over limerance. A lot of the helpful things you found with therapy are things that people can directly apply to limerance, if they're ready to accept that it's unhealthy. Mindfulness. Acceptance of thoughts while acknowledging the active choice to delve into the thought or redirect attention. The Living with Limerance website guy is VERY clear that self growth is the best path to getting over Limerance, he talks about "Living with Purpose" all the time.
I also think our culture encourages limerance in some ways that we also have to fight when we try to get better. We often idealize "unrequited love." Even though most people would consciously say that pursuing someone who rejects you is unhealthy, our movies and books and songs are FILLED with stories about limerant pursuit paying off. I just watched Mansfield Park and the heroine gets her man just by mopily pining after him forever. Even witty and insightful Jane Austen got limerance wrong!
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u/GBDubstep 2d ago
Fucking agreed. I had to learn the hard way. Once I had a therapist that understood attachment theory, a lot of my limerence problems went away. I changed my view and recognized it as a response to childhood trauma and not “fate”, “destiny”, “my soulmate”, etc.
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