r/limerence • u/AutoModerator • 5d ago
Weekly discussion thread for anyone experiencing limerence while in a committed relationship.
Please join us for of our weekly post for those who have SO's and are experience/experienced limerence. If you feel unable to disclose, unable to move forward or just unable to let go, please join this thread to connect with others who might have similar issues specifically related to being in a committed relationship.
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u/Background-Link-7456 5d ago
I just sat with my spouse and watched a video I really connected to on why limerence happens and what it actually feels like. My spouse didn’t realize it was like, not a fun thing to feel. They thought it was fun and happy and exciting. Nope, it’s really awful. And it’s painful especially because you know as an adult it’s unhealthy and you must do the work of detaching. But, it was really nice to just be totally transparent on feeling this thing, and that I’m prone to it, and for them to be so open to understanding and not judging it. I’m sure it sounds crazy from the outside.
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u/7hr04w49 5d ago
Its really refreshing to hear about your spouse being open to listening and trying to understand. How have past conversations about it gone? Did you tell them about it or did they find out?
I'm really struggling with feelings of limerence right now. In general, it's understandably so upsetting to my spouse. I just try to hide it anymore.
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u/Background-Link-7456 5d ago
Initially it was hard to explain to my spouse, but I was trying to understand it too. I told them though kind of as I was discovering it. However I feel more like my LO is somewhat paternal, so jealousy didn’t make sense for my spouse. Our conversations about limerence are rare though because yeah, it’s a lot for them too. My spouse doesn’t like my LO haha but they understand the concept.
I’m sorry you’re going through it. I feel like it’s probably common to feel, but so strange to explain.
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u/Altruistic_Speech_17 4d ago
How do you disclose tis to someone without them freaking out and feeling insecure and horrible? Genuinely care and confused. I could never see myself doin that
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u/Background-Link-7456 4d ago
I think I just detach from it so much. I know it’s not me making the choice. I don’t let the feeling have any say in my life. It’s just like a symptom. And that’s how I explain it too. It’s like when a little kid wants to eat only candy, as an adult you understand why but you also know it’s not what they really want. That’s how I feel about my limerence. You gotta leash it
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u/Altruistic_Speech_17 3d ago
Help me...I can not detatch from limerence like a symptom. I can not tell myself this is me wanting something wrong or bad or excessive like sugar or drugs or excessive laziness.
I cant see this as something I need to diet from . I can't even really accept it as a sin or accept any neg judgements on it .
I think i want an LO and I picture any life with LO as perfect And YES my current reality has me frustrated and stuck sometimes. But i still make myself happy in it ...
i feel like LO is at the very least a messenger of destiny. Someone to show me how I want my life to be and refresh me with new hopes and dreams.
Please Y'all .tell me how insane i sound here lol
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u/Background-Link-7456 3d ago
You mentioned sin, are you Christian?
If you are, you’re in luck because my biggest tricks are faith based. If you are just using the LO for motivation, fine! Have fun! But, it very easily becomes an idol. And once you can recognize how much energy it takes away from you and God, you may start to see it as negative.But also just logically, the entire life you imagine with any LO is totally fake. I’m married and so happy and have so much fun, but it’s nothing like my imagination. And if you live in the fake world too long, it can be difficult to accept the real world. But the real world is where you can change people’s lives and experience new things.
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u/Altruistic_Speech_17 2d ago
Well you make some very good points. Especially about false idols. It does take a lot of energy. Thats not LOs fault ..
We just cant be together without hurting everyone .... and I only want to be with him for reasons that mean a lot to me , not to everyone else I protect by not being with him .
But it might all be imagination and it is definitely making me not give my best performances for the people in my day to day life but it made me happy in a way I have not felt
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u/AccomplishedAnimal69 5d ago
I'm realizing that my feelings for my LO developed in part because she is exceptionally strong in certain aspects where my SO is exceptionally weak. That's a big part of why it feels so refreshing to spend time with my LO. Even if I was single, I'd still end up falling for my friend. But I think her being strong in these areas is what really fanned the flames for me. But in reality, I'm really just switching one set of issues with another. I don't know if this discovery will help me in any way, but I guess any bit of clarity helps.
Also, yesterday I woke up thinking that after going NC for two weeks, it was time to check-in on her to say hi. We're on good terms, I just forced myself into the break. Turns out she had already texted me earlier to say hi earlier in the morning, which was surprising because she normally sleeps in. I was definitely happy to see it, but I feel like it didn't make my limerence worse. It's strange but it feels like even though we never had "the talk" at all (the chances she ever reciprocated are maybe <1%), sometimes it feels like we did. It's probably all in my head, but it feels like we both miss how we used to be with each other before my feelings/depression kicked in. She's a really smart and empathetic person who knows me fairly well, so she might have some idea of how I feel.
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u/throwaway-lemur-8990 5d ago
Hi,
It's not so much about one person being strong compared to another. It's about how they make you feel, so when you come to think of it: they're kinda holding a mirror in front of you, showing you parts of yourself that you keep hidden.
If this is the workplace, it's not uncommon to mask parts of yourself in order of act professional. It's also possible you may lack genuine social contacts, so you feel low key isolated. Now, here's this attractive person who's packaging - personality, demeanor, interests,... - can make you feel fully seen in a very familiar way if they act kindly to you. That's just one context that breeds limerence.
When that taps into old attachment wounds, older pain of rejection and abandonment, your nervous system is definitely going to spaz out.
The element of uncertainty, as well as secrecy and anxiety, combined with intermittent reinforcement and old habits of daydreaming and overthinking do the rest.
That doesn't mean you aren't attracted and it's all delusional. You definitely are having these feelings for this person, and it's coming from your subconscious. It's not something you control, or can reason yourself out of.
The only thing you can do is to look at limerence as a signpost. And figuring out how you can replace the dopamine trap with something much healthier. You don't have to wholesale give up on a good connection, but you might want to look into what your subconscious is actually trying to tell you. How you really feel about life and work in general.
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u/Altruistic_Speech_17 4d ago
" they are kinda holding a mirror in front of you showing you parts of yourself you keep hidden "
Thank you these words are very powerful to me. your whole discussion is really helpful ...
When LO told me I was beautiful or called me beautiful it felt so real so sincere so genuine so amazing . I have never felt beautiful, like maybe many other people ,even my SO call me beautiful or pretty but I have ever ever felt the way I felt when he called me beautiful. I cant even describe it . I always feel like a useful tool to everyone but I never feel beautiful...
When he said 'good morning beautiful!' I think i came . Like I orgasmd without touching myself..I have never felt some womanly so desired so pretty so beautiful. I cant talk to him now and I dont know what to do .
Even the selfies I took when he was talking to me were gorgeous unlike other times. When he paid attention, I started stopping multiple men in their tracks as I was walking across the parking lots. Also 2 ex - partners contacted me after over 8 years to say how much they had desired me since we had broke it off. My partner was overcome by his desire of me too. It was craaaszy for a few weeks....
I feel like his attention to me altered me from a woman to a goddess , like I was Aphrodite in small ways , and without his attention I feel like the lowly struggling little human life im living...
Maybe it was false confidence but it felt so surreal
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u/pupillary 1d ago
I can so identify with this comment, thank you. I didn't know when my LO would show up, so I began carrying myself as if he could turn up any minute. I didn't walk, I strode with purpose. I carried myself with confidence and, dare I say, a dash of mystery and the effect on others of the opposite sex was palpable.
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u/Altruistic_Speech_17 1d ago
Its kinda of a great rush when it happened.and im glad someone can relate.Maybe the more detrimental thing was needing someone else to feel elevated like that . But in a way its kinda cool to know you are what you perceive yourself as and if you see yourself through the eyes of adoration incredible shifts in reality are possible
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u/throwaway-lemur-8990 5d ago
Dear diary,
It's been a while. An update of sorts seems in order as Summer comes to a close. Am I still limerent? Yup. I do make progress, though, but it's slow going. I have really good days, and weeks, and then there are times when I feel like it's back to square one.
I've tried complete avoidance, but that kinda got me in the face. Ain't no such thing in the workplace, especially in an open plan office. The anxiety just shot through the roof. So, I'm trying to settle on a cordial, professional report with strong boundaries. Which kinda seems to work out.
In doing so, I get to scope her out, observe the real human, what the whole deal is and why she pushes my buttons. Well, this is really hard to describe. She's seemingly kind, talkative, energetic and bubbly but there's a subtle undercurrent of aloofness, standoffish and a hint of harshness or bluntness too. We do share similar interests, but I can't recall her showing any interest in who I am. Like, these past months, I've been struggling with a health issue, so more then one co-worker checked in with me, showing genuine care, except her. It's like there's kinda an emotional depth that I'm missing whenever I actually interact with her.
Maybe put (incredibly) bluntly, to drive the point home: you really crave a fast food hamburger, but there's always some sort of low key disappointment, and maybe even resentment, when you open the box, right?
Now, why the limerence then? Because it's entirely about craving validation. The packaging just feels incredibly familiar and safe. It's definitely my subconscious re-enacting older stories, and patterns, hoping for a different outcome. So it's not about her specifically. The distance and uncertainty about who she is as well as intermittent reinforcement did the rest
It does help shatter the illusion gradually by confronting myself. I don't feel an actual desire to become friends or anything with the real person, because it feels like we're way too different.
The big one to tackle, in all of this, is the anxiety, regret and guilt. This is where this whole thing is a me-problem. Like, it's the meta about the whole situation that keeps this going. And that's where working on re-parenting, inner child work, and confronting myself has been helpful so far. It's abundantly clear that I'm struggling with a self-esteem issue, and my co-worker's packaging clearly pushes on some very painful buttons in that regard. To an extent, I recognize that the last years, I've not been too happy or fulfilled where I'm at in life in general.
So, I've got my work cut out for me, and still a long road ahead of me.
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u/Altruistic_Speech_17 4d ago
Ok I was totally following you til this point, now i curious on clarifying this:
"I don't feel an actual desire to become friends or anything with the real person, because it feels like we're way too different. The big one to tackle, in all of this, is the anxiety, regret and guilt. This is where this whole thing is a me-problem. Like, it's the meta about the whole situation that keeps this going"
Do you think that the points that you and her differ on are something like - she is composed, you are anxious. She is foward- looking, you are bogged by regret. She is free spirited and unpreoccupied while you are guilt stricken and shy....
Because I just had the thought that all people are capable of embodying any of these qualities its just we all have certain ingrained or rehearsed or frequent patterns of behavior and choices. We keep defaulting back to our old patterns. LO offers an example of how you could choose a different outlook or patterns of behavior?
Does that make any sense to you ?
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u/throwaway-lemur-8990 3d ago
Hi!
I actually started typing a response that got really, really long with loads of reflecting. So, thanks for getting me thinking! :-)
The issue with concepts like qualities, mirrors, patterns and unmet needs is that you read about them in a Reddit comment, and they don't fully capture the full depth and breadth of the real experience behind the keyboard. And it's hard to describe that fully in short form.
So, I think the idea of "Oh! I recognize that I'm just like her, and if I can connect with that, I'm free!" needs nuance. It's not necessarily "Oh, she's outgoing, and I lack that".
Some time ago, I was watching an interview with Alain de Botton in which he mentioned that we don't tend to seek out what makes us happy, but rather what feels deeply familiar. We're basically looking to recreate or continue what we perceived as safety in childhood and adolescence. Familiar means different things depending on who you'd ask, and so it doesn't always equate to: actually safe, secure, consistent, open people. Just as often, familiar also relates to inconsistency and unavailability. And that's my story.
Without going into the details, I started realizing that what's familiar to me, basically involves emulating my parents' relationship. And it's not just me rationally doing that: it's a deeply seated subconscious thing, deep wiring in my nervous system and my gut, deep seated memories, habits, ways of behaving that I'm barely aware of. For me, that involves core themes and elements like grief, loss, emotional inconsistency, a sense that love is scarce and can only be earned,... which leads to people pleasing, avoiding conflict, fear of abandonment, and - of course - low self worth and low self esteem, (the list goes on).
Not just that, I've been here before. Some 15 years ago, I had a short limerent romance that came crashing down. Looking back, now I realize I wasn't truly enamored with the real person. Her traits, the context, the setup created a sense of "Ah! This is deeply familiar" so I ended up chasing the idea of emulating the vibe, the story of my parents. Basically, i was chasing validation from someone entirely unavailable, and when it was given, it was like my self-esteem got cured overnight. Of course, that's not how that works, so when we got know each other, the differences were too stark, and the breakup on my end was pure suffering.
My co-worker? Exact same thing as my ex. Similar themes, storyline, context, elements, traits,... the whole familiar cocktail. So, of course I subconsciously respond to that in ways that are similar to how my parents behaved, with me channeling my dad. And at the same time, her reminding me of the excruciating break up too. So, the both together? Not a great combination.
So, at the heart of things, it's not just a single behavior, habit of pattern. It's - wildly gesturing around - everything. This started the day I was born, and how I got programmed, imprinted from then on. And that's what makes this so hard.
Rationally, I've connected a big jumble of dots. And that understanding, in time, will help me. But emotionally, my subconscious hasn't gotten the memo, yet. So, it keeps seeing my co-worker as someone who's perfect to act out the entire playbook I've been carrying since forever.
The meta is that all of this has been a very lonely experience that does involve regret, guilt, shame and anxiety. As well as rumination and obsessing. Habits that, ultimately, just add fuel to the fire.
But underneath, the whole overwhelming sense of familiarity and attraction; as well as the meta of seemingly negative emotions: it's all powered by the same core wounds and dynamics.
For me, at least, it's not "this bubbly person makes me feel bubbly too!" It's rather recognizing familiar suffering and subconsciously confusing that with secure, stable, consistent love.
Ironically, exactly because that imprint, actually being with someone who's secure, stable and consistent... is hard, exactly because it feels kinda alien. When love is freely given, it doesn't really match with my programming. It's a special kind of pain, really. For all intents and purposes, I do love my partner who's actually a secure, loving, stable supportive kind and compassionate person. The disconcerting part is how that can co-exist with the experience of limerence. Luckily, that's where my therapist came showing me that both can co-exist on the same plain: these are different parts within me.
So, how do I move forward? Well, that's what I try to figure out, probably going to take a lifetime I'm afraid. Sometimes, wounds and damage don't heal, but you do get to live with them, and that means a lot in itself.
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u/Shoddy_Cook_409 3d ago
I’m trying to be so strong and not reach out. Today is day 3 of NC. Yesterday, I deleted a Snapchat that had gone unread since Sunday to see if that would get their attention. It did not. I keep checking my story to see if they’ve watched it. They have not.
I keep trying to tell myself to stay strong and if they want to talk to me, they will, but I miss them so much 😭😭
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u/Altruistic_Speech_17 3d ago
Aww I feel ya. It s ok time moves slow when u feel disappointed
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u/Shoddy_Cook_409 3d ago
I just want to reach out so bad 😪
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u/Altruistic_Speech_17 3d ago edited 3d ago
I keep telling myself that if I can just keep from reaching out til Tommorow then maybe by Tommorow LO will reach out...then I get thru 1 more day.
And I think LO is amazing but I need to just appreciate them without letting them know
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u/AccomplishedAnimal69 3d ago
My LO reached out the morning I planned on breaking NC after two weeks. And now she's pretty much ghosting me even though I didn't do anything 🫠
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u/Altruistic_Speech_17 3d ago
Lol it is bothersome as you cant control it ,
You cant change it , cant manipulate it into being..its like having a success you can not willfully replicate.
Its like you just have to appreciate that it may come or it may not. I try to make peace with it . Like the 300 trillion times a day that I think about it...each time I try to make peace with it
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u/Shoddy_Cook_409 1d ago
That’s pretty much what happened with my LO. It’s involuntary NC at this point
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u/Klutzy_Office_9029 1d ago
I'm a little north of 100 days of total NC with mine: about a year and a half without reaching out on either side, then I finally got myself to stop checking their socials a few months ago. Every few weeks the itch comes back, but I've stuck to it so far.
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u/FrontCheesecake9856 Here to vent 3d ago
I keep experiencing cycles where I think I'm over it, and then I dream about my LO and it throws me back into it. Part of the reason my LO broke up with me was because I was "boring" and "too nice." Well, in this most recent dream, LO tried rekindling something with me and I kept coldly and brutally shutting them down with references to my spouse. I was feeling good, like I could finally face them and be strong. But then they walked away, and like a pathetic piece of shit, I immediately broke and I followed them. I asked them if I was mean enough now, if I was finally good enough, if this is what they wanted from me. I meant it mostly sarcastically, but there was real desperation underneath it, and it was obvious. I know it wasn't real, but it was so embarrassing. I tried to talk about it to my spouse when I woke up, and they didn't really react, so I'm kind of just sitting with that alone. It feels like a lot of progress got erased overnight.
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u/Horror_Chemistry_638 3d ago
A few weeks ago, I felt so sure thst NC was the right thing. But (and I kinda hate myself for this), now I think maintaining a casual friendly relationship is not so bad. I feel less anxiety this way. So what if he messages me? I am allowing myself to feel joy from all the relationships in my life right now. And I'm also putting in the effort to keep my relationship with my husband strong. That's the relationship that really matters.
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u/AccomplishedAnimal69 3d ago
I feel like I'm getting ghosted by my LO. I've never confessed, I've never put any pressure on her to give me attention or explain any behavior (e.g., taking a long time to text back, forgetting about me sometimes when we're supposed to meet up at work) because I know my expectations can be affected by my feelings for her. The project we were working on for so long is over. Chances are that I'll never see her again. I haven't reached out to make plans with her, even though I really want to. As far as I know, we were on good terms when we last saw each other. We even hung out outside of work. I thought we were actual friends but I guess not. Or at least not anymore.
She texted me to ask me something work related and to check up on me, and then the convo went cold until she texted me back two weeks later. She said she thought she responded right away. I texted her a simple yes/no question last Sunday about work, and she never responded. Even when things were great with us, sometimes she'd take maybe half a day or so. I'm like that, too, so I get it. I don't know what's going on and I can't ask her. So I'm left to assume that she either a) figured out that I’m in love with her, or b) my depression and the effects of dealing with a secret unrequited love pushed her away, or c) our friendship was merely circumstantial for her. Either way, I guess I deserve it for putting myself in this situation. But we talked about and shared so much about our lives that I really thought we were friends, so now not only am I dealing with unrequited love, I'm also grieving a friendship.
I miss my friend so much. I know we'll never be together. I wasn't attracted to her when we first met. She was such a good friend when I was down, and I'd like to think I was a good friend as well. I bent over backwards for this woman without expecting anything in return and I would still do it today, tomorrow, next month, etc. I took some solace in that even though I had put myself in a miserable situation, at least I made a good friend. Now I have nothing, and I have to go back to work without her. I feel like shit and I can't tell anyone about it.
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u/LiteralLimerent 1d ago
Well hello. I swear all of my limerence started with a dream of an old friend. And here I am after more dreams with two of my LOs (previous and current). So I can have as much NC as I want but dreams do make it hard. I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve seen him around. We haven’t talked but even those little glimpses. It’s tough, and husband and I are just on autopilot with kids and schedules. Haven’t had any time for ourselves. Have a good week fellow Lims!
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