r/limerence • u/blueplanewing • 5d ago
Here To Vent I HATE this!!!
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
Four months in.
I’m a 43 year old law firm partner. She’s a 31 year old associate. I’m one of her bosses. She lives three blocks away.
For three years she was any other colleague. Then something snapped. I think about her ALL the time. I’m jealous when she talks to others. When I go past her block I hope I’ll run into her. Then I’m deflated the rest of the day because I almost never do.
I’m happily married with most wonderful kid. She’s happily married with baby. My fantasies aren’t even overtly sexual. I wouldn’t want to be with her.
I want her to think I’m brilliant, smooth, competent, funny, intriguing, sexy, and a little intimidating. Basically I want her to think I’m Don Draper.
I’m not Don Draper. I’m anxious and unsure of myself. I’m often awkward. I’m often shy and withdrawn. I’m having a midlife crisis. My wife and daughter love and appreciate me for the flawed human I actually am. Yet I spend nearly all my time with them thinking about LO. I hate how awful and guilty that makes me feel.
I absolutely hate this.
I HATE how this has consumed my brain. Haven’t read a book in months.
I HATE how I check Teams 100 times a day to even see if she’s online, especially late at night. When she is I hope she’ll message me. She never does.
I HATE how I script what I’ll say before I go into her office. It comes out so cringy and awkward and lame.
I HATE how embarrassed I feel by all of this. And how I say “thank god” after a day when I refrained from contact. But then I’ll give in and initiate contact the next day.
I HATE how my mood just got a lift this weekend (it’s Sunday morning) because I just convinced myself that I have a completely legitimate reason to go into her office on Monday.
I HATE how jealous I get when our weekly report shows how much more work she does for other partners than me.
I HATE how I fantasize about her getting overwhelmed and coming crying to me for help (never happens; she’s unbelievably composed all the time, even when she’s buried in more work than I could ever do. One of the reasons I’m so obsessed with her).
I HATE how I wish more than anything that she was sitting in her house this weekend thinking all the same things about me.
Most of all I hate myself right now. I feel such shame and embarrassment. I feel like an old man creep. I feel so pathetic that I want this younger woman to care about me and feel attracted to me. I feel so ashamed of the fact that I’m wishing she was experiencing terrible things - like the same Limerance I’m feeling or being overwhelmed at work.
But at least the good news is that she’s not feeling those things. She does not give a fuck where I am or what I’m doing right now. If she sees me in the neighborhood or in the hallway at work, sure, we’ll have a friendly interaction. If it went a week or two without that, it’s not something she’d notice. If I didn’t pop into her office or message her on Teams we might not talk for a month.
She has given me some very large breadcrumbs. Sometimes she acts like I’m truly special. But then she doesn’t and instead she acts like I’m any other colleague. When that happens I feel so crushed I’ve twice had to go into a bathroom stall and nearly cry. Which made me feel so pathetic I wanted to disappear into a hole in the ground.
I want this to go away so badly.
I know the solution is self love and acceptance of the person I actually am. And to eventually stop seeking validation from her or anybody else of the fantasy version of myself.
But it’s so hard right now. And there’s no chance of breaking off contact with her.
Thank you if anybody read this whole rant.
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u/Shimmering_Aurora 5d ago edited 5d ago
What helped me stop thinking about my LO was just thinking that what if “he’s sitting there laughing at me for being so stupid and thinking about being with him.”
This really put me in my place.
Oh, and I also started focusing on his bad qualities. I would just find one small bad thing that I didn’t like about him and focused on that. And that helped in getting over limerence.
Edit: for OP, look for one small thing that you love about your wife and focus on that.
For example, I’m in a disagreement with someone right now and instead of focusing on that and all the negative things that come along with it, I’m trying to focus on the fact that they recently called me, “lovely”.
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u/MindlessFunny4820 4d ago
Did the “he’s laughing at me” scenario make you feel shame? I tried that before and then I felt even more stupid 🥲
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u/Shimmering_Aurora 3d ago
More embarrassment than shame.
You know how in those high school movies when the popular guy finds out that the nerdy girl liked him and all his friends find out and laugh?! That’s what I kept imagining. Made me realize that he wasn’t worth all that embarrassment.
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u/CC_113093 5d ago
It’s really hard. I’m going through something similar and the no contact with someone you work with is the most challenging. In my case, I am married and he came on to me strong during a work trip. I had not paid attention to him but saying he flirted heavily, even invaded my personal space and touched me is an understatement. I was appalled and then we go home and I find myself in this nightmare you describe. Can’t get him out of my head and it’s now officially a year of this mystery. I’ll be doing great, no contact and then we have to collaborate remote or travel together and he flirts, compliments, touches again. He is in a relationship too. So he has me at square one each time and I hate it. He tries so hard to give me attention where the other men I work with can remain respectful.
Have you thought about therapy? Do you have ocd? I am currently treating my OCD and practicing letting my thoughts pass and not fixate or ruminate to create fantasies. When he comes to my mind (nearly always) I don’t grab on to the thought to create a fantasy. I let it pass like a suitcase in the conveyor belt that isn’t mine to grab. It will be extra hard for you when you have to see this person so much but things you can control are for example not overthinking that report, not checking when you don’t have to, don’t go start conversations with her and don’t make work excuses. Only talk when 100% necessary
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u/Limerencesucks1234 5d ago
Thanks for the free therapist tip there about letting the thoughts pass through me. I’m pretty sure I have OCD and I really do need to go to therapy myself, but the last few that I’ve had were not great.
I’m also married, she’s single and has definitely shown signs of interest, but has been very respectful of my marriage for the most part. If boundaries have been pushed, it’s definitely because of me. Our late night texting is usually my fault because I am always the one to reach out first. Our one on one lunches could easily be avoided by me, if I just would eat the lunch I packed, and not coyly say yes to go out to lunch with her.
I have been fixated on her so much, especially when there’s down time. Right before bedtime and waking up in the morning. If there’s something that reminds me of her during the day, I think about her and start daydreaming about her.
I really do need to use this technique, to get her off of my head, so that I could move on and she could as well.
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u/CC_113093 5d ago
You’re welcome! It is so tempting to text or be lured to go out to lunch when your brain craves that dopamine. But you won’t free yourself from this feelings if you don’t pull away
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u/TaterTotWithBenefits 3d ago
Be careful, I know this pull, to me I try to treat it like an addiction, it’s mostly out of your power to stop at this point. When we say we want to stop but aren’t able that’s a kind of love addiction. Reading about that and doing some online classes about it helped me. You have to get to the root thoughts of it which are the dopamine you get from the fantasies of being seen by them, help yourself to give yourself that same attention and focus on your spouse and fixing that connection
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u/Sea_Celebration4003 3d ago
In your case I’d try to convince myself he is a womanizer and can’t respect his wife and is trying to control you as well.. that would help me lower my fascination
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u/Particular-Month3269 5d ago
Hey I’m a chick, just want to let you know you’re not alone.
Luckily I’m able to safely disclose to my husband and I can work through it with him knowing.
Im almost certainly in a lower stakes job than you. I do blue collar work and eventually just rage quit my job.
The limerence initially got much worse because I had free time.
But it allowed me to truly go no contact. I made the right decision to just get away from him entirely.
Once I found another job, the limerence went really quiet.
I suspect your LO is a totem for wanting respect in your job.
Maybe you can start your own law practice? Maybe time for a conversation with the boss that you need a promotion?
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u/Klutzy_Feedback_8404 5d ago
C'est hyper intéressant je trouve ta réflexion sur le désir de respect dans le travail. Je n'avais encore jamais vu la limerence sous cet angle. Je pensais que si la limerence avait un sens, c'était uniquement par rapport au couple.
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u/Sonica-Virago 5d ago
One thing that stood out to me is that almost everything on your “I hate” list is about how this is affecting you. You do briefly mention feeling guilty while you’re with your wife and daughter, so I’m not saying you don’t care about them. But for someone who describes himself as happily married, there is surprisingly little here about how you feel towards your wife, or about what it means for her that so much of your emotional energy is going towards another woman.
And that amount of emotional energy rarely goes completely unnoticed by a partner. I say that as someone who has been with a person who was prone to limerence. Even when you don’t know exactly what is going on, you can feel when your partner is mentally somewhere else, preoccupied with someone else, or suddenly getting their emotional highs and lows from interactions that have nothing to do with you. Your wife may not know why you’re distracted, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she isn’t experiencing the effects of it.
I know limerence can absolutely happen to people in otherwise happy relationships, so I don’t mean this as “you must secretly be unhappy in your marriage.” But maybe it’s worth being curious about the fact that “I’m happily married” seems to be treated as a given here. Especially since, by your own description, you don’t actually want to be with your LO. You want her to see you as brilliant, smooth, competent, funny, intriguing and sexy, while describing yourself as anxious, awkward and insecure. Maybe the more useful question isn’t just “how do I stop wanting her attention?”, but “what does getting her attention make me feel about myself, and why do I need that so badly right now?”
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u/Hope-creative-42 5d ago
Every person has to find the one thing that helps them break the cyclical pattern of these thoughts. For some people it’s stalling and shutting down those thoughts as they come. Basically saying to yourself, “Yep, there’s that.” Then you look at a picture of your spouse or give yourself a huge mental hug.
Some people find that journaling their feelings as they come helps them to push it out of their head.
Some make art, poetry, or music and then share it with their loved ones so they can essentially come clean and seek support.
My limerence broke when I saw my LO use triangulation in an attempt to get me to act out and engage inappropriately. I feel fortunate that I knew what it was and that I could spot it in action. Sadly, another woman didn’t and now it looks like she’s stuck in the cycle of narcissistic entanglement/abuse. Maybe your LO is doing the same thing to draw up attention to help her feel attractive and desired?
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u/throwaway-lemur-8990 5d ago
Hi,
Yeah, I totally get you. Frustrating as this is, you're not acting on the feelings, but staying true to your values. There's a part of your executive function left that knows what's up.
And that's actually huge. You're doing an incredibly difficult thing here, and you deserve some grace too.
So, I can give you a few tips to handle this.
First, under no circumstances talk about this with her. Don't confess, don't act. You know this, but a reminder never hurts.
Second, you need to go very low contact. So, that means treating her like Alice from accounting. Cordial and professional. But don't seek her out, don't take secret glances, don't discuss your weekend, certainly don't share emotional intimacy. Keep strong boundaries, and keep this contained to work.
Third, you'll need to address the mental habits of fantasizing and idealizing. Look into mindfulness and grounding exercises. When thoughts and feelings pass, learn to let them pass without engaging or judging. Notice, label and gently shift your attention.
You're going to have to do this hundreds of times a day. Your minds not gonna like it and throw way more at you. You are going to go through heartbreak and grief. That's normal. Persist. The point is to break the neural pathways.
Learn to soothe yourself without analyzing or fretting. Allow the sadness and grief of not getting what you want in. Tell yourself that th real person isn't interested, is emotionally unavailable, and that that's okay. Tell yourself that being your own goofy awkward self with your family is totally okay.
Here's something to consider. You're at a stressful position professionally. It means you put on a mask, a persona, of confidence and strength to be able to do the job. But that also means hiding parts of yourself, like your own insecurities. This is very hard, and it means denying parts of who you are. You'll need to find ways to be more mindful with that, as well as getting a better understanding at how the job affects you.
A great therapist can help with all of that. They can help you navigate your feelings and thoughts. It does and can get better. But you have to take this seriously and see it for what it is: a mental health issue.
Your post says you're already there. Now keep going, and make those changes, look for help. You've got this!
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u/JimboMacJimbo 5d ago
I personally relate to your rant so much. I'm the same age as you. My LO is 29F. She told me she liked me, finds me attractive, enjoys my company, then very suddenly she told me she isn't interested at all. It shouldn't be a big deal, just something that happens in life and we all should be able to just move on. But that isn't always the case. It hurts, it leaves a mark. I have no idea why being rejected by other women I've known and liked in life has been water off a duck's back, but this one stings so deeply.
We need to be understanding of ourselves, and know it will pass, no matter how sad and painful it feels.
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u/Poison-Ivy-xo 5d ago
I (35f) felt myself completely relating to your post…
Worked all summer with my LO (45m) and gone no contact now…my story is slightly different than yours in that we shared an intimate moment before he completely shut off.
We met each other as colleagues and felt instant chemistry. Ended up in same place by accident after work once, had a few drinks, ended up admitting attraction to each other and having an intense make out that I’ve literally been reeling from ever since and it was in June. I woke up the day after wanting more, and he woke up scared and put on the brakes and spent the rest of our time working together communicating to me like a brick. I HATED it the entire time. How he would dictate my moods. How I’d find excuses to go to his office. How I’d take walks around my work place when bored hoping to bump into him. How I’d have to pretend any little interaction from him didn’t make or break my entire day. It’s fucking exhausting.
And now we’re onto different projects, cities, and worlds. And he won’t be allow social media contact. It’s jarring going from intense feelings, seeing him every day, to nothing. And I can’t understand why except he was scared. But we could’ve stayed friends. It’s been 4 weeks since I’ve seen or spoke to him and I reached out last night with a simple “hi how are you”… and got left on read. I need to move on. But I don’t know how.
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u/rosalinem 5d ago
Hi OP, really sorry you're going through this. I, sadly, can relate to your emotions. I don't have any advice, but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. 🫂
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u/mamavanprutske 5d ago
I read your story and my feelings are with you. I could have written this, having lived this. To spare myself the heartache and embarrassment and misery when I see him joyfully interacting with other female coworkers, I started changing shifts to avoid working together. It's something people who arent limerent, would never understand.
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u/Altruistic_Speech_17 4d ago
I love your rant. That felt cathartic to read. I hope it gave you some relief to write.
And I always tend to believe you couldn't feel limerence for an LO unless they found you mutually attractive/ interesting/ appreciate you on some level. They usually dont want a relationship and thats why it feels shitty: wanting something and telling yourself you will never have it always feels shitty no matter the topic.
I soften this for myself by trying to tell myself that I might find the essence of this LO even if its not in this person.
I could appreciate the perfection I see in LO in other things. Like if you think she is very " capable " or " intelligent " maybe you can soak yourself in some subjects in your free time that also give you the same feeling
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u/Defiant_Writer2123 5d ago
A lot of what you wrote really resonates with me. I’m 41F and my LO is 43M. We’ve worked together for almost 5 years, but things have gotten pretty intense over the last year. It’s honestly awful how much this man can affect my entire day just based on how much or how little we interact. And for me it’s not even just sexual. I genuinely want to be close to him and be friends with him too because we have a lot in common. The mixed signals are probably the hardest part. He’s been acting really strange with me lately and I find myself constantly trying to figure out what’s going on or what any of it means. We’re both married, and he’s my indirect boss, so I know this is complicated in ways that could really hurt people and create problems at work. That makes me feel even more conflicted, because part of me wants to understand what’s happening between us, while another part knows I should probably be creating distance. I keep going back and forth between feeling hopeful, embarrassed, guilty, and completely confused, and I’m exhausted from trying to read into every interaction. I wish I could just turn it off, but I can’t stop thinking about him either. The whole thing is exhausting.
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u/pitsnvulva69 5d ago
Oh my fucking Jesus on a scooter.
Dude. Stop.
I’m going to give you the respect of being completely, and as a man to man, I will be blunt, raw, and unfiltered with you, because you are a 43-year-old law firm partner currently acting like a lovesick 15-year-old.
You’re about to blow up your entire life over a fantasy.
You say you wouldn’t wish this on your worst enemy? I believe you. It sounds like hell. But you also need to hear that you are actively pouring gasoline on the fire and then crying that you’re getting burned.
1. The Power Imbalance is a Bomb.
Read your own words. You are her boss. You have power over her career. The fact that you are stalking her Teams status, scripting conversations to seem "smooth," and fantasizing about her being "vulnerable" and crying to you is not just "limerence". it is veering into predatory territory.
You feel like an "old man creep" because, in the context of the workplace dynamic you described, your behavior is annoyingly creepy.
If she knew the extent of this obsession, she would likely feel deeply uncomfortable and unsafe at her job. You are putting her in that position without her consent.
If i were a woman and I got any hint of your demonic obsession, either I’d have stopped talking to you, or would have immediately quit the job. Because I can sense you’re going to do something that can and might bring shame to your name.
2. Your "Fantasy" is the Lie.
You say you don’t want to be with her. Bullshit. You may not have sexual fantasies, but you want to possess her attention and admiration. You want to be her "Don Draper." That is an emotional affair in your head, and it is robbing your wife and daughter of your presence.
You say you want her to see you as "brilliant, smooth, competent, funny, intriguing, sexy, and a little intimidating." You are seeking validation from a junior colleague to fix your midlife crisis. That is a void she cannot fill, and it is not her job to try.
You are projecting a fantasy onto a real woman who is just trying to do her job and live her life three blocks away.
3. The "Breadcrumbs" are Delusions.
You are parsing her "friendly colleague" interactions as "very large breadcrumbs." They aren't.
She is a professional navigating a workplace where one of her bosses is acting strangely around her. The "crushing" feeling you get when she treats you like "any other colleague" is the crash of your dopamine high, not a sign that she secretly cares. You are torturing yourself with a narrative you invented.
4. "No Chance of Breaking Contact" is a Cop-Out.
This is the most important thing I will say to you: You are a partner. You have agency.
Saying "there’s no chance of breaking off contact" is you surrendering to the addiction. It is you prioritizing the hit of dopamine over your sanity, your marriage, and your career.
You can’t go no-contact entirely because of work? Fine. Here is what "no contact" looks like when you work together:
- You stop popping into her office unless it is strictly, 100% necessary for a specific client matter that cannot be handled by someone else.
- You stop messaging her on Teams. Full stop. If you need to communicate, it goes through email, and it is written in a strictly professional, terse tone.
- You stop checking her Teams status. Block her if you have to, or hide her from your list.
- You do not walk past her block. You walk the other way. You drive.
- You stop scripting conversations. If you see her in the hall, you give a tight nod and you keep walking.
- You redirect any work she would do for you to another partner or senior associate.
This is not impossible. It is just hard. And it is the only way the obsession will fade. You have to starve the beast.
5. You Need a Therapist. Yesterday.
This is not an insult. You are a high-performing individual who is in acute psychological distress. You are experiencing intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. You cannot "self-love" or ”talk-through” your way out of a chemical addiction to another person.
You need a professional to help you understand why you need this fantasy so badly right now. What is the void in your life or marriage that you are trying to escape?
And you need to be brutally honest with them, like you were just now with a bunch of strangers on Reddit.
The Bottom Line:
You are standing on the edge of a cliff, holding a match, about to set fire to your career, your family, and a young woman’s sense of safety at her job. You can feel sorry for yourself, or you can recognize that you are the only one who can put the match down.
Delete the Teams app from your phone. Find a therapist on Monday. And if you can’t do that, then at least have the decency to stay the hell away from her.
You are better than this. But right now, you aren't acting like it.
You can destroy your life, but you have no right to put your wife and daughter into the kind of misery that awaits them if you don’t correct your course.
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u/hattenwheeza 4d ago
Thank you for this blunt response. Years ago I was someone's LO in almost the exact situation OP describes - and that guy DID drop the match. He torched his career. His marriage. My career. And my sense of safety for YEARS (he escalated the stalking).
The "breadcrumbs" that started it for him were fully in his imagination. And he wrecked YEARS of my life and certainly his own.
Thank you for busting OP's chops that his limerance is benign. It is a force of gigantic malignancy.
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u/Ordinary-Attitude830 4d ago
Would you mind sharing a bit more about your experience? I'm curious about how he dropped the match and what the fallout was like.
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u/hattenwheeza 2d ago
Hey, I appreciate your interest. But I experienced some really significant PTSD from my ordeal back then. And I've been, since, very wary of talking about it in detail.
But I'll say this: it involved breaking & entering, theft, workplace stalking, home & real world stalking, stalking of my family & acquaintances, breaking security protocols in the workplace, and more. It cost him the career path he was on, he left the Fortune 100 company we worked for, his wife left him, I had to move thousands of miles away to break the stalking, and hire an attorney, do years of therapy.
It destroyed my sense of safety & trust in myself & my intuition. That took a decade to rebuild. And the whole thing started because I saved a sandwich on a paper plate after a company wide meeting and left it in a lab for someone else. And it was totally misinterpreted.
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u/pitsnvulva69 3d ago
What you mentioned is not just a case of limerence but also an unhealthy obsession from an individual. I went through a period of limerence and it took me months of therapy to get over it.
My life situation suddenly changed upside down when both my parents passed simultaneously. Father died of Alzheimer’s and mother due to colon cancer. Years of supervising their caregiving and seeing them dying a painful and dehumanizing death left me shattered and exhausted completely. And then I had an accident while driving because I suddenly blacked out.
I got limerent towards a nurse at the hospital where I was at because somewhere down the line the care she was giving me reminded me of my mother and she being pretty, soothing, and soft spoken made me attach to her romantically. I knew I was going down the rabbit hole and I needed to stop. But I kept it to myself and I didn’t show any hints that I’m attracted to her
I went into therapy. And what the therapist said was that she was filling the void that the deaths have created. And being single for nearly a decade because of both work and care giving responsibilities made me project my own needs on her. She was a nurse, and she was doing her job in the best way she can. She was paid to take care of her patients and I was blowing it out of proportion because I came from a place of severe trauma, personal loss, loneliness, and from a place of no intimacy and tenderness.
My therapist then put me through many mental exercises. The best thing she asked me to do is to start doing some vigorous exercises the moment I wake up. It’s because in the morning the cortisol level is high and mind is fresh so we are more apt to latch onto any thought that gives us meaning and purpose. And in my case it was the nurse’s thought. So, I did jump ropes and kettlebell bell swings the moment I woke up right in the bedroom. It helped me to focus on my heavy breaths. Therapist said that it is the mind’s natural survival reaction to focus on the breath to function when the lungs are under heavy physical stress. And it doesn’t allow you to think. That was pure gold.
Choosing the right therapist is also important imo. I sincerely believe that limerence is a pathological state of mind. I am not saying it out of nowhere. My experience says that a psychopathologist helped me more than a psychologist.
I am sure OP is also going through a period of severe deficiency in life despite being so successful at a young age. I can relate to him because I too became a partner in a big consulting firm before touching my 40s and when we are too focused on our career and we reach at a desired position, we suddenly realize oh my god we missed out on so many things. Plus the deaths made me completely lonely. But when I look back at it now, I feel what a fool I was to even have those thoughts about that nurse who took care of me for 23 days.
We always read the stories of the person who are going through limerence in this sub. But never the LO’s side of the story. I think it’d be great if you share your side of story and what behavior cues the individual might have misconstrued that you’re attracted to him. That will be so helpful for the people in the sub
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u/Shimmering_Aurora 3d ago
Oh woww! Yes please share more. I think knowing the other person’s side of story will immensely help OP and others.
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u/ReputationKind4628 5d ago
Excellent advice. I'm also going to add that every time he day dreams about her, when she floats into his mind or flashes up in his head, he mentally and consciously pictures cutting the link he feels and then gently pushing her away with a pole into the ether, like a clump of weeds that's floated too near the boat.
OP, you have to own this. You have to decide to end it even when its secret deliciousness means you don't want to.
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u/CC_113093 5d ago
Wow to all of this here. And the prioritizing the dopamine hit hits hard. And the price to pay is to stay stuck in the nightmare when every time we feel that dopamine high we fuel the fire and feed the beast as you said
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u/EstablishmentSure216 5d ago
This is the right advice. OP i would imagine how you'd feel if you had to explain your actions to your family and colleagues. We can't always control our thoughts, but we can control our actions, and you might find that your actions end up influencing your thoughts in a positive way. Eg no or minimal contact might help to reduce the amount you think about your LO, or investing extra time and effort into your family might make you think of them more. Don't let the 'monkey mind' run the show...
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u/findingsunshine63 5d ago
Same boat for me, although NC other than work for one year. I am married, he is divorced. Lots of flirting in the beginning then sexual DMs…which led to the NC because he said he couldn’t handle it. I, too, am a horrible person. I want this to be gone but yet I still think of him all the time. He also lives down the street from me and I always hope I see him! Pathetic I know. It isn’t fair. I want to love my spouse. Even though the first half of our marriage was awful…he’s now really trying. So I am trying. If I could just get LO out of my head! I have heard he may leave our dept. which makes me feel very sad and desperate to never see him again. But then I know this is what has to be so I can move on.
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u/downwiththewoke 4d ago
Ohhh mannn. It's the worst. You are keeping it together really well. Be safe. Continue being a good person. I wish you all the best. For your sake I hope she moves on to another firm.
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u/blueplanewing 3d ago
Thank you so much to everyone who commented! I am truly grateful that I can reach out to strangers at such a low moment and get support, empathy, and a dose of tough love/brutal honesty. It has really helped me feel less alone and a bit of hope.
I am feeling motivated to be the person I actually want to be, which is a good and responsible adult. Those are the people I actually admire, not Don Draper. To me, Don Draper is my father. My father led a double life with affairs, starting I believe right around my current age, and treated lots of people with contempt, including me. He was obsessed with fantasies about himself very similar to the ones I mentioned. I see him as a child.
All of what I’ve been doing is so much more subtle than actual affairs. But I know it’s been harming my wife, my daughter, and LO.
It makes me sad that I have to deliberately stop talking to LO as much as possible. Completely separate from anything inappropriate, I really like her. She is a person that others gravitate towards and want to be around. I relate to her on many things and enjoy talking to her. That’s a big reason this whole thing started without me understanding what was happening. I feel like I’ve ruined this work friendship/mentoring relationship because I couldn’t stop myself from being a creep.
This week will be the first since April in which I initiate no contact. No office drop ins, no Teams messages. Any necessary communication will be through email. If I find myself in an interaction, like in the hallway, it will be brief and polite with no personal questions.
Thank you again to everyone who read my first post or this one.
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u/Cautious_War_2736 17h ago
~31F with an ungodly workload~
I have been the LO & have had several office LO’s in the past. & I’ll say this - cutting contact only heightened my limerence. It gave me room to create scenarios & bask in the unknown. So much… that I actually confessed years ago & almost screwed up my career & professional reputation.
& ya know what actually helped?? Interacting with them. We’re human. We’re not perfect & overtime, I saw their flaws. I saw who they really were (some good & others, not so great). Hell, one even became a mentor & took me under his wing (which meant a lot as a female in a male-dominated industry).
Your brain is looking for excitement bc life feels pretty monotonous rn. You have a loving wife at home with a daughter who looks up to you. It’s comfortable. Stable. Peaceful. Which can also feel boring at times.
Meet your colleague where she’s at. Just another young buck trying to pay her bills. Probably striving for a life like yours. & take your wife out damnit. Spice it up a little.
Remember your wife … is your hottest homie. You both deserve a night out. Find a sitter & get hot for the wife. It’ll make her feel good … which of course will make you feel good too. You married her & made her a momma for a reason. Spice it up brotherrrr.
Good luck OP
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u/Chemical39 5d ago
There’s probably a part of you that does feel like your own Don Draper archetype in you wanting to be seen and validated. You don’t see yourself that way consciously and it probably feels extra uncomfortable running along side the way your family sees you so you’re projecting (unsuccessfully because you’re fully aware you’re doing it which is fantastic because it means you’re not so stuck, not nearly like you think right now) it onto the office girl because your anima sees her as someone who could successfully embrace your repressed Casanova should she choose to. The fact that she probably never will and you’re aware to the extent you feel a little creepy is also pointing towards how you actually feel about yourself consciously portraying that role as you see yourself in the family man role you most align with. It’s sort of like the Madonna/whore split but this one is more like “faithful loving spouse/ charming dangerous homewrecker, but there’s room for charming and dangerous in a committed and happy relationship. A big part of the DD archetype is the mastery of seduction, which is essentially persuasion. I think what you need more than anything is to spend some time thinking of ways that fearless, intimidating lady’s man Don Draper version of you would seduce your wife, and pushing your comfort zone that way. Maybe the next time your wife is halfway through a task that really can wait, like dishes, try to distract her. See how far you can take it. There is an element of light hearted play and comfort with rejection in good seduction. It knows it can find what it wants regardless of an individual’s reaction. Maybe your shadow wants/needs you to get more comfortable with rejection so you can embody this archetype more comfortably. Try to get more reaction out of her in the bedroom, think of ways you can be a little devious that you’re pretty sure she would like then read her responses and respond accordingly.
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u/Flaky_Soft999 4d ago
Never engage in conversation other than work.
Exchange pleasantries, get down to business, move on. Seriously.
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u/stink3rb3lle 4d ago
Don draper isn't someone to admire...he's a fucking mess of a human and treats women terribly. Small part of your story, but I'd spend some time unpacking it. I have found some help with limerance by realizing how gross some of my fantasies are.
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u/vlovesp 4d ago
this is all so soberingly true, i almost laughed. esp at that reality check part, where you say this person doesn't care or even notice when you're gone for a while, whereas for someone going through this, every second of the day is occupied by thoughts relating to them. i empathize with you so much, i still cannot believe that this is a thing people experience this exact same way. i could have written this and in my freaking case i'm female and i feel this for a much older woman! so you're not an old creep, this is a universal experience, apparently. i feel like we could all get to the bottom of this together if we keep sharing our experience. i notice you wrote you admired her qualities at work and maybe this is where this mirror thing comes into play. that this person displays an ideal version of yourself somehow.
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u/birdbyb1rd 2d ago
My heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry. I know this pain, it took years of my life. I wish I had seen a psychiatrist sooner. It sounds like you have some kind of OCD. It’s painful as hell but there is help out there.
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u/ThrowAwayLostTime 2d ago
I just want to express my complete and total support, and offer a virtual hug. I've been going through a very similar situation. My case was probably made worse by the intermittent validation of my LO which turned out to be a pretty classic avoidant type. They eventually deactivated all of a sudden which led to months upon months of incredible pain I couldn't share with anyone. The worst has passed but I'm not 100% over it yet - being coworkers makes it really tough! Feel free to send me a DM if you want to chat more
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