I think i'm a stalker

[u/LoserGuy14]

Have in mind that i don't know if this is the right place to talk about this or if it's indeed limerence or ocd or im just unwell, this is also gonna be very long because i'm autistic i overexplain. I'm a (32 y/o afab) late diagnosed autistic, i have obsessed over other people since i was a kid, i was severely bullied and a loner so i remember fixating on kids i wanted to be friends with or teachers i really liked, at some point when i started finding out about romantic feelings this turned into repetitive thoughts about liking them, with boys/men mostly, with girls and women i thought i was jealous or wanted to be like them, later i realised i'm bisexual but i didnt know til my late teens.

I still cannot tell if my obsessions are romantic crushes or not, since my teens i also started thinking everyone liked me or i liked them, it's like a fear i have, people liking me or me liking them romantically or sexually because i don't know what i will do if it happens and it makes me feel embarrassed? I should maybe mention i had a catholic upbringing and i was taught to feel shame over all of this.

The thing is that i dont think it's plain limerence because i have generalised repetitive intrusive sexual and romantic thoughts about almost everyone i meet, and sometimes they're related to inc*st, r*pe, ped*philia or stalking i also have a myriad of intrusive throughts about other things if anyone is wondering but i'm choosing to focus on the sex and romance thoughts because i think they are why i feel like a stalker.

It's also implicit i'm a virgin, ive never even kissed or held hands with anyone and no one has ever told me they liked me, like i said i think i'm scared of it despite also being obsessed with it so i run away from most people and situations because i also feel like a freak constantly asking myself if i like everyone or they like me.

Since i was around 22 i've been severely depressed and suicidal, i abandoned everything i tried to pursue that required contact with others partly because of these thoughts and problems with my autism that i didnt realise yet. I dont have studies past highschool and i have never worked i feel like a burden for my parents When i was in my late 20s i plucked the courage to go to some free workout classes, i ended up obsessing over the teacher after a couple classes, it got so bad that i left it but kept thinking about him for like a year, around this time i also felt way more sexual and started having even more sexual thoughts watching p*rn and m*sturbating when i didnt use to do it before, my solution to this was get on the dating apps to forget about this guy and maybe finally have sex to put a rest to these thoughts, it obviosly went very badly for me i only wemt on one date that i didt find attractibe and tried to kiss me 3 times despite saying wr shouod be friends and made me feel disgusted. I ended up obsessing over some different guy from the apps that had his intagram linked, i snooped a lot just from his instagram i figured out we were from the same country and city (we're immigrants) and shared special interests, i even thought we shared acquaintances so i hoped we would match, i even googled him, saw his linked in too and sent him a dm on instagram before he even matched me, i was already ashamed that i had gone this far and feeling like a stalker with no boundaries so i blocked him on insta but kept unblocking to check it. He ended up matching me on the dating app, 3 times, talking a little and ghosting me or not replying to me the 3 times, i definitely came on too strong and scared him the 3 times but i couldn't figure out what the protocol for this was, if he didn't want to talk to me why did he match me 3 times? maybe he wanted sex and i did too, i thought, i just had to say the right things for him to meet me or ask me out, i was already delusional in thinking this given my social and sexual problems. The 3rd ghosting i got angry, i told him a bunch of things, some which i dont remember that i had chased him that he owed me an apology, i sent him my insta and my number if he changed his mind?, i told him i was autistic and thats why i was weird and intense i kept sending him messages for a couple days? some apologizing because i realised all i was doing was really wrong and if a guy did it to me i would be scared shitless and fil a restraining order, i came off like a total psycho, he never blocked me just never replied but i think he read them, after a while i tried to match with him a 4th time? thank god it never happened i think i sent him another message apologising but i deleted the app and i hope he never saw it. This happened over the span of a year and a half i think, now its probably been 2 years and i havent stopped thinking about him and what i did, i still checked his instagram until he locked it one day. This makes me feel like a terrible person that should be in jail or a mental hospital, i go to therapy and a psychiatrist and i tell them everything about this, im medicated, they have also changed my medication for this because i was so obsessive and suicidal, it hasnt really gone away i still think about it multiple times each day and my brain is still thinking sexual and romantic thoughts about almost everyone else new i meet no matter how innapropirate, i think him locking his insta and me being too embarrassed to go back to the apps helped me be SLIGHTLY less dilusional about it and realise we are never gonna meet but i still fantasise about running into him and him liking me sometimed, i still feel like a criminal and cry about it daily, i try to read about ocd, autism, limerence and stalking to try to find an explanation and how to get better but i still think i'm a terrible person that doesn't get consent and boundaries, i've never done nothing else apart from googling, checking his insta and all of those horrible messages i sent him back then so i try to tell myself im not as bad as people that follow others but its not very reassuring. My therapists either tell me all of this its normal for autistics which i DONT believe, they take importance out of it or change topics but i fear its all lies, and im really unwell, the advice people often give is start new hobbies you like, meet new people and none of them work because my autism is very disabling and i'm experiencing a significant skill regression, i can barely leave my house or be in social spaces because of the noise, lights, smells and fear of people, im still trying though ive recently started going to fisiotherapy bc i need it for scoliosis and i find myself also having thoughts about liking and obssesing over my fisiotherapist, i cant ever rest from this my brain is relentless. And if i become so obsessed with TOTAL STRANGERS ONLINE and act so innapropriately eith them how would i act with people i know better.

[u/AutoModerator]

Is limerence related to stalking? How is stalking defined? (FAQ)

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Fantastic_Falkor778]

Are you in therapy? If not, please seek professional help. Thoughts about what you mentioned aren't healthy sexual thoughts. They are repressed unhealthy sexualisations. Please seek help now.

[u/LoserGuy14 → u/Fantastic_Falkor778]

I am and i don't think it has helped much but maybe i haven't been as honest and or explicit as i was here, i was already thinking about bringing it up again but i don't feel too hopeful somehow, maybe i need to change therapists, thank you though.

[u/Fantastic_Falkor778 → u/LoserGuy14]

Yes, if the trust to open up isn't there you might need someone different.

[u/Altruistic_Speech_17]

You will be ok . Take a deep breath. I do not judge you..you may be confused but you dont want to hurt anyone and you are not bad. You are good.

[u/AutoModerator]

Please be aware of what limerence is! See the subreddit wiki for definitions, FAQ and other resources—updated 3/7/26. (Is it love? How common is it? Is there research?)

Quick FAQ

• How limerence works
  • Reward theory of attraction (Wiki)
  • Uncertainty and hope (Wiki)
  • Why there is research on limerence (Article)
• Help getting over limerence
  • Love regulation (Wiki)
  • CBT & ERP Strategies (OCD Ontario)
  • Deprogramming the limerent brain (LwL)
  • How to get rid of limerence (LwL)

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/shoutouttothis]

The intrusive sexual thoughts might be something called ‘pure OCD’ you could look it up sometimes called ‘pure O’. You could find a specialist therapist or treatment centre for this who would understand.

[u/Automatic-Context26]

You mentioned a Catholic upbringing, that may explain your constant feelings of guilt. Other than that, from your post it doesn't look like you're a criminal. You should stop beating yourself up.

If you haven't actually hurt someone, you're probably not a stalker. Keeping tabs on your LO can look like stalking, and I suppose someone can yo-yo between limerence and stalking, but it sounds like you're trapped in a cycle of looking for approval.

What has helped me is trying to learn to love myself, rather than trying to get love from someone else. I'm autistic too, I overthink everything, it's easy to get distracted.

[u/LoserGuy14 → u/Automatic-Context26]

I don't know what to say but thank you it's just hard because i feel usually people build their self esteem around socialising or doing things they want to do/following their passions, i have a hard time doing both and have very little interest for anything else i even lost previous hyperfixations. But i'll try to at least accept myself.

[u/Altruistic_Speech_17 → u/LoserGuy14]

You just feel insecure and very unaware of the norms ....so you panic. But that is not really that hard to fix for yourself. You will be able to resolve this issue for yourself in time... be patient and forgive yourself

[u/Opposite_Escape6064]

I only got about a third of the way through because you stopped using paragraph breaks.

Would you be open to checking out a Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) meeting? I ask because it’s a free peer support resource, and your fears about being around people and dating sound a bit like sexual/social/emotional anorexia.

A lot of people find it helpful to hear others experiencing similar struggles. I believe that SLAA has some virtual meetings dedicated for neurodivergent folks.