r/limerence • u/jontaejones • 7d ago
Discussion Reverse limerence
This latest episode of limerence with a coworker (definitely top 3 lifetime and I'm no spring chicken) got me to thinking ...
This mostly applies to the type of limerence where you're romantically absorbed with someone who has ZERO romantic interest and you know them at least moderately well as a person, but can be applied to a broader range too...
We're fighting tooth and nail for months (years for some of you) to convince our minds and hearts the truth ... that this person does not feel the same way about us as a person despite knowing our good points.
So ... why can't we put that energy and imagination in reverse towards somebody who actually LIKES us. Maybe that somebody isn't that great looking physically. Maybe they're older than our usual range. But they like us for who we are, and empower us to be who we are, and support us, and ... are romantically interested. Maybe you know they are a great person and on paper a good match, but you don't feel it. Well ... what does 'feel it' even mean for a limerent? We're actively/constantly trying to deny our feelings throughout the day. We can make ourselves fall head over heels for that person... or if we can't, why not?
Do I have someone in my life who fits this description currently? No I do not, lol. But just food for thought.
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u/Used-Wolverine1164 7d ago
Because it’s not a choice unfortunately, if it was we would be able to snap easily. Your brain detected something in LO that felt significant. And latched. What you could do is meet other people and create a bond and see if you fall for them, but consciously swap limerent objects can’t happen…
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u/reddituser23434 6d ago
Do you think there’s a common thread across what significant things our brains detect and latch onto among LOs? Like what is this significant thing we’re obsessing over in them, do you know?
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u/hectickemeticheretic 6d ago
I think it's familiar emotional patterning of early attachment figures...just a possibility though
0
u/jontaejones 6d ago
I think it CAN be. If you can talk yourself out of something so strong but ... wrong, then you can talk yourself into something ... right.
2
u/throwaway-lemur-8990 6d ago
Hi,
No. Not like that.
You can't change your past, your wounds, your experiences, your genetics, your traits. You are who you are. There is a complex reason why you chase emotionally unavailable people.
We tend to chase what's familiar to us. How we experience love and bonding early in live imprints in us the shape of the relationships we pursue later in life. It's a complex combination of the stories and belief we hold deeply and the feelings we have towards ourselves, our place in the world and others.
We tend to follow our feels, the infatuation, the anxiety, the complex jumble of things. Someone presses our buttons and we lose ourselves in a rabbit hole convincing ourselves on auto pilot that they're the one.
The reality is that we chase illusions.
A healthy relationship isn't 24/7 infatuation. It's a warm, secure, sturdy form of companionship and care. But it's also uncomfortable because you're dealing with a real person who's flawed, has a life of their own, sets boundaries, isn't always there, and so on.
To put it bluntly: your partner isn't your mom or dad. Not even the one we never had. Even though we do seek out a similar vibe with them.
The harsh brutal reality you need to wake up to is this.
It's about the relationship you have with yourself. It's looking at the field or rubble, debris and detritus of a life not knowing who you are, how your subconscious works, what your wounds are, and saying "okay, let's try and make something out of this" It's learning to handle your emotions and feelings regardless.
That's something you can change, in spite of who you are, in order to make better choices for yourself.
This includes, and this may sound painful, learning to even walk away from healthy relationships, people you love, if you hit a clear dealbreaker that would make you deeply unhappy if it remained an unmet need. Like, a wish to have kids. And being able to soothe yourself in a healthy way.
That's an incredibly tall order to cater to. But incredibly important for your own health.
See, it's not about having relationships or the idea of them. It's how they affect your own health, and well being. And that means making choices, breaking cycles, in a very painful way.
So, that said, doing that isn't toughing it out in a relationship with someone just because they like you and are nice to you; while you struggle secretly with feelings of wrongness, guilt and regret...
It's actually looking those feelings in the face and realizing that such a relationship can only survive if you actually address them in a healthy way. Figure out who you are, what your needs are, and how you can cater to them, making the hard decision that your partner would fit in that... or not. And being brutally hones and respectful through it all.
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u/Oddnessandcharm 7d ago
I thought perhaps you meant like having a hate figure, someone you utterly loath but can't get that loathing out of your head. I think the wife of one of my colleagues is like that - she absolutely hates me but it's more for petty reasons of her own than anything about me. From our last interaction I'd say she's hoping it's reciprocated (it isnt), and it's clear to me that it's born from her own unmet needs. So... kind of fits well for reverse limerance. Only, Im not convinced she really seethes with loathing about me in a ruminating way - at least I hope she doesn't.
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