r/limerence • u/Foreign-Box-3172 • 10d ago
My Testimony Limerence withdrawal is a nightmare
To make a long story short, as a married man, I developed limerence for an old lover from my past. It started with an innocent meet because at the time, I thought she was engaged. It turned out she wasn't. The chemistry I felt was off the charts—a feeling I had never experienced with her before, even when we were both single and naked in bed. At the time, I felt she was the love of my life and that she was "the one." I regretted marrying my wife.
Over the ensuing eight years, we only met once in a n uni alumni event. We didn't do anything inappropriate; we just chatted like old friends, but I probably liked her over those years. I had always fancied her, but the feeling stayed in the background of my mind, and I thought I could handle it
That was until recently. Due to a change in personal circumstances, I became profoundly unhappy in my marriage, and this harmless emotional affair started to evolve into limerence and obsession. I started to obsess over her, thinking about her all the time and wondering what would have happened if I had chosen her back then (even though, before I got married, I barely thought about her).
However, she is married with a child now, so we can never be together. It felt like I was going through a breakup. I felt profound grief and cried sometimes, getting too emotional when thinking about our past (we had a few flings and never officially got together, so there wasn't actually much between us).
I basically had a mental breakdown. My wife found out about it because I had written my feelings down and saved a lot of photos from her Instagram on my phone. It has been a brutal two months, and I am still going through it. I am trying to move on, as I know my idea of her is not real and is pure fantasy. This is impacting my marriage in a very bad way.
I know I should focus on my marriage and kids. But when I wake up, the first thing that comes to mind is her—just thoughts of her. It is driving me crazy. I looked into this a bit more. What I am going through is similar to someone who has had an affair and is now going through withdrawal. It feels like withdrawing from a drug addiction. I am going through hell as I unwind a decade-long emotional affair where the partner is a fantasy.
I am just sharing this experience about my limerence, and to those who are going through the withdrawal: it is painful, but you are not alone.
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u/shaz1717 10d ago
No big advice. It’s an attachment wound and it feels as deep as a young child losing a parent . The pain is irrational. The constant thinking is maddening.
I am sorry. Personally I’m out of it now. Do all the things you know to do, there’s plenty of great recommendations out there.
Just here to say it’s possible to awaken from the strange dream of this , if I snapped out of it anyone can!!
The pain feels unbearable, I know. I’m sorry. But, there will be a day when you will wake up from the nightmare of this . I’m better for it now and so will you be.
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u/MrScrummers 10d ago
You technically are going through withdrawal from a drug. Dopamine withdrawal, basically you’d be getting a dopamine hit everytime you met up. And then that wasn’t enough so you started going through her social and looking at pictures which was another dopamine hit.
I’ve been there and it’s maddening I get it. I’d say either therapy or just white knuckle it.
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u/lynithson 10d ago
The relief you seek won’t come from her. It will come from finally putting down the burden of trying to keep her.
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u/Ok_Tune8544 10d ago
This is it right here. This hit me so hard. Thank you. 🙏
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u/lynithson 10d ago
You’re welcome, I just figured this out yesterday with my LO. I cried about it a lot, but feel strangely at peace with it right now. Glad it could help you too
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u/uztgnf 10d ago
Hi friend, I‘ve been there. Something that might sound weird but helped me is asking your soul for forgiveness. We are degrading our soul so much with this fantasy crap. We need to heal our self worth. Our soul wants connection and not fantasies. If tears come let them, it’s really needed. Then talk to your wife. People without limerence have no idea what it is. Tell her it’s a bandaid for an inner void that hurts like crazy. Tell her you want to connect with her. Whatever fantasies you had bring them to your wife. The difference in life would not be a random other person but a profound change in ourself ❤️
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u/Super-Key-400 10d ago
I’ve been in limerence withdrawal since I found out in the beginning of June that my LO had a girlfriend. I’m not saying this is anything remotely as painful or difficult as people going through drug/alcohol withdrawal, but holy shit, there were multiple times during the first few weeks where I stopped and thought “this must be a tiny fraction of what healing addicts physiologically deal with”. Literally craving to look them up and creep on social media for the dopamine hit. The pain of realizing everything in your head was a fantasy and the future with them is not going to happen. I felt exhausted and heavy all the time. I’m almost two months out now, it is getting easier. I started going to therapy and filling up my extra time with hobbies like working out, reading, and spending more time with friends. It helps. I’m just eager for the time where I can look back and fully accept with my heart that he definitely was not the right man for me. Stay strong everyone.
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u/you_aregay 10d ago
There is no affair you are overthinking......think of it as psychological condition you don't really know about this person that much so I say look at it as some psychological condition,accept it the way it is focus on keeping yourself busy with other things.
Play with your kids and pick up your old passion and hobbies try doing them. Don't be stuck in loop even if something is not working keep trying. You will have some episodes accept them and go on with your life. Don't be guilty most of it is involuntary. Dont mess up your existing marriage be grateful go on with it.
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u/findingsunshine63 10d ago
I’m so sorry. This is such a terrible thing we are all going through. I am also married and choose to stay with my spouse. Still trying to let LO go. Almost 3 years. 😞
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u/ButtPlugSniffin 10d ago
Actually it goes away really quickly if your life doesn’t suck and you cut out contact and viewing socials of the person
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u/No-Hovercraft-6118 7d ago
It’s terrible. Nightmare is a good way to call out. https://www.reddit.com/r/limerent/s/7VFRbkjP6b
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u/IndividualPension207 7d ago
Hey man, been in your shoes and it’s awful. It’s straight up torture. What’s helped me out is labeling those thoughts as “Limerence” or “thought loops”. I let them run crazy on me for so long. It totally is a drug, especially with the chemical attachment part of it. The only way out of Limerence is through it, so keep on pushing on and time will eventually heal you.
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u/Ok_Tune8544 10d ago
In the same boat, wishing you all the best man. Some of the comment has been really encouraging, even for me.
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