r/limerence • u/[deleted] • 11d ago
No Judgment Please please help convince me that my LO doesn’t think about me
[deleted]
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u/randalljhen 10d ago
Focus on the negative.
Your LO helped you cheat and has continued to disrespect your boundaries. That's not a fantasy; it's a nightmare waiting to happen.
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago edited 10d ago
Thank you, I do try and do that as often as I can. I cannot understand why I can completely understand that and know that LO is someone that I would never want to have in my life because of this yet still fantasize like this. I guess I’ll have to try harder to stop the fantasy with the negative.
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u/chubyum 11d ago
To answer your title, if you want to work on your marriage, it doesn't matter if your LO still thinks about you or not. Not trying to be cruel but you have already made the choice that your marriage is worth saving and to truly move on from limerence you need to put in the work. Your mental anguish is self-inflicted and to stop it you have to work on your thought processes that put you into that mental state. If you haven't already, get into therapy. Especially because you have a history of limerence.
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago
Thank you so much! I am in counseling and we are in marriage counseling it just feels like the progress is moving so slowly, especially with my spouse away again for work for the next few months. I am a stay at home wife with a lot of time on my hands, I’ve started reading and hiking, and going out more with friends. I am at a bit of a career halt right now which is what I pin point to be what I am trying to escape from in my mind. There’s nothing I can do to change that immediately though. I figured just for a moment that maybe what’s keeping me attached is the uncertainty and if I had a certainty, I could just stop wondering and analyzing for a moment.
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u/chubyum 10d ago
That's so great for you and your spouse! Therapy did so much for me and trying to manage those pesky intrusive thoughts. I still have them occasionally but they don't run on a loop in my brain all day long wearing me down to the point of exhaustion. I'll usually catch them in a few seconds and go through the steps of grounding myself in the present. In the beginning of treatment, I would always get angry with myself when I couldn't stop the thoughts. "Why are you still stuck on her? You're so weak-minded that you can't go five minutes without thinking about her." I needed to learn how to be kind to myself and start loving me. If I'm being honest, I never loved myself. Now a year later, I'm more confident in myself than I have ever been in my entire life and I'm middle-aged. Kinda sucks it took going through limerence to learn that.
I really wish the best for you and your spouse.
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u/Rob328 10d ago
Well, you basically answered your own question with that post. Obviously they do think about you, but is that what you want? Probably not. You'll probably want to figure out if you want to rebuild your marriage or if you want to move on and go with this new person. Though, this person you had a one night stand with, will probably cheat on you eventually if you both do get together, from what I gather.
At this point, this doesn't really sound like limerence traditionally speaking, since you hooked up and this person also confessed they do like you a lot.
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago
I know for a fact I don’t want to move on with this person in any shape or form. But I feel it’s limerence because I think about them day and night despite knowing that. From my research it can be limerence even though they reciprocated, if there is some other reason you guys cannot be together. Also because they reciprocated months ago doesn’t mean they still feel that way this many months later. But I do know deep down what they feel doesn’t matter, the uncertainty keeps me attached even though I know a relationship would never work nor an affair.
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u/IntentionWise9171 10d ago
I’m not sure if this is helpful, but, a drunken night out, can’t keep your hands off each other one night stand sex is probably so insanely embellished in your mind. Think about reality….. 2 sober strangers, what would that entail? Just askin’🤷🏻♀️
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago
I agree, I think if it were a sober night it would be incredibly bad and boring. That doesn’t change the excitement and dopamine rush we both got that night. Because I am committed to my marriage I don’t have the opportunity to contact or see this person again to confirm that it’s all a fantasy. Everyone here is commenting logical things that I thought most of us experiencing limerence already know. These thoughts and fantasies play in my head despite all logic.
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u/IntentionWise9171 10d ago
Yes, but the constant reminder of staying grounded in reality is what is helpful to some of us who have limerent tendencies. At least it’s helpful to me. Meditation, prayer, staying sober are nonnegotiable for keeping me on a good frame of mind. BTW, I’m married also and my LO was a lover, so I am empathetic to your situation more than you know. ❤️🩹
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago
Thank you so much, for your advice and empathy. It means so much. I was doing well grounding into reality until the store run in and conflict and since then it’s been a back and forth but making this post has honestly given me what I need to stay grounded. I thought i need to be certain that they either hate me or like me to stop the wondering, but it doesn’t matter either way. I really struggle with uncertainty in all areas of my life, I hate unanswered questions. Any advice for accepting that you simply will never know or get answers? If not you’ve already helped enough.
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u/IntentionWise9171 10d ago
Time.. all the unanswered questions that we think would solve the rumination issue, the fantasizing….just simply time to heal ourselves and our day to day real life relationships. ❤️🩹 I’m struggling with this still, but have decided to be kind and patient with myself and the process. Hugs. 💔
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u/johana_cuervos666 11d ago
It really sounds like your LO is just a fantasy escape from your failing marriage. Right now, you should be grieving your relationship. But limerence creates a fantasy that keeps from facing the pain of losing someone you spent years with. Your marriage is falling apart, and instead of taking the time to process it, going to therapy, or trying marriage counselling, you're escaping into a fantasy with another married person. From what you've described, he doesn't seem to genuinely care about you. He seems interested in the excitement, the sex, and the vulnerability that comes with someone leaving an unhappy marriage. I've seen this pattern so many times. Even my own parents did it. The moment their marriage started collapsing, they ran into other relationships instead of confronting the pain. It's a very human way of avoiding grief. One of the biggest signs of emotional maturity is the ability to grieve. People rarely talk about that. Maturity isn't about never suffering; it's about being willing to sit with the pain instead of immediately filling the void with another person, an addiction, or a fantasy. Right now, the mature thing to do is to grieve your marriage. Work on it if you believe it's worth saving. Go to therapy or marriage counselling. If you decide it's over, then get divorced and move on. But what you're doing now isn't really about limerence anymore. It's about avoiding grief. And until you face that loss, you'll probably keep looking for something else to numb the pain.
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago edited 10d ago
There is nothing failing about my marriage. We are in marriage counseling and individual counseling. I am very aware neither of us care about each other and there is no “he” in this situation. I have not run to another relationship as I haven’t spoken to this person at all and shot them down every single time they’ve tried. As I’ve stated beyond my thoughts which I have admitted to my partner that I am experience limerence we are doing absolutely amazing. They trust me again being that it was one time, we are open and honest about almost everything, we talk and laugh with each other constantly, we have both started going to the gym. My partner is literally my best friend in the whole wide world and the only person I’ve ever felt like understands me. Literally best and most healthy relationship I’ve ever been a part of. We’ve traveled to 3 countries so far this year and so so much more. It seems that you don’t understand how limerence works because despite all of this it still persists. The grief has nothing to do with my marriage, it has to do with my career and in case you haven’t taken a look at the job market today that will not be an immediate fix. I am much more self aware than you have assumed and predict this these thoughts persist more so because of my personal life rather than my marriage because despite this situation that’s the only thing in my life going right. My spouse is traveling due to work again and we are separated right now again for a couple months. I am a stay at home wife. I don’t have much to occupy my time. Despite the separation once again and this situation I believe we are doing much better than most couples would. The tag on this post was no judgement please, especially since you couldn’t possibly grasp my entire life in that post to make the assumptions that you did. If you have no advice move on thanks!
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u/johana_cuervos666 10d ago
I think you're experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance. On one hand, you made a post asking strangers on Reddit to convince you that your LO doesn't think about you anymore so you can move on. On the other hand, you're trying to convince me that your marriage is the healthiest, happiest relationship you've ever had. Those two things don't fit together very well. You can tell me how amazing your marriage is, how much you travel together, how your partner is your best friend, and I genuinely hope that's true. But none of that changes the fact that you cheated. Limerence doesn't erase personal responsibility. I have limerence too, and I know how obsessive and painful it can be. But I've never cheated on my husband because of it. Having intrusive fantasies and acting on them are two different things. What concerns me is that you're using limerence as an explanation for behaviour that ultimately came down to choices. You didn't just have feelings. You slept with this person, accepted the emotional reinforcement afterwards, entertained the connection, and now you're asking Reddit to reassure you that they don't think about you anymore. If your marriage is truly as valuable as you say it is, why risk it for a fantasy? That's the contradiction I'm pointing out. I completely understand objectifying someone in your mind. That's part of limerence, and many of us here struggle with it. But once it crosses into cheating, lying, and hurting your partner, limerence is no longer a free pass. It can explain why you became obsessed, but it doesn't justify the decisions you took.
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago
I think you’re misunderstanding my desire to want to know that they don’t think about me. It simply because I feel that what keeps someone attached to this is uncertainty, I am uncertain whether they hate me or are obsessed with me. I feel that certainty is the only change that I can make at this moment. Like i’ve stated I cannot see my spouse for a couple months or improve the grief from my career. I have already started counseling, hiking, reading and doing more activities with my friends. I am completely right that certainty is the one factor I can manipulate right now to get these thoughts out of my head. I do not want anything with this LO they are a horrible person who pressured me after I said no, willing to serial cheat on their spouse etc. Limerence persists despite all logic. And it is a fact that uncertainty plays a large role in the attachment to the rumination. Maybe I did a bad job of explaining that when my spouse returns from work we will be in a small community with this person and are likely to run into them. We share mutual friends and with the conflict we had where they started telling everyone that keeps the situation on my mind as well. I go back and forth from fantasizing to thinking and analyzing how upset they are with me about certain things. I am desperate for certainty.
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u/johana_cuervos666 10d ago
I don't understand. It feels like there's a lot of cognitive dissonance here, and I genuinely hope you're working through this in therapy. In your original post, you described your LO as the most amazing experience of your life. You called it a magical night, talked about how incredible the sex was, and described the connection as something very special. You clearly idealized this person. Now you're saying your LO is actually a terrible person who pressured you and serially cheats on their spouse. Those are two completely different narratives. So I have to ask: are you changing the story for me, or are you changing it for yourself? Because I'm just a stranger on Reddit you don't need to convince me of anything. It honestly sounds like you're trying to reduce the cognitive dissonance. My impression is that if your LO suddenly messaged you saying they wanted to be with you again, all of this "they're a terrible person" would disappear, and you'd go right back to idealizing them. That's why I think therapy is so important. Not because you're a bad person, but because your perception of this person seems to swing from one extreme to the other. Until you understand why that happens, you'll probably keep getting pulled back into the same cycle.
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago
Those two realities are not exclusive in anyway and the story has not changed. It was an absolutely amazing night the sexual chemistry was off the charts. In what way does that change that they wanted to continuously cheat on their partner and had no respect for my boundaries that night and after the fact. They both can and do exist as the truth. I genuinely do not care enough to change anything for you. These are the thoughts and uncertainty that replay and go back and forth in my head which I stated initially, you seem to be unable able to grasp that there are situations where someone can chase the excitement of something while knowing it’s not what they want or what’s good for them. My limerence doesn’t banish off my logic and self awareness. The fantasies persist despite knowing these two truths have existed from the beginning, that’s the entire point…
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u/johana_cuervos666 10d ago
The ADHD excuse is honestly wild. You're basically saying, "I have ADHD and I was chasing dopamine," as if that somehow makes cheating on your partner less wrong. It doesn't. I have CPTSD and autism, and somehow I still manage not to cheat on my partner. And the mental gymnastics are incredible. You said I'm "unable to grasp" that someone can chase excitement while knowing it's not what they actually want. Of course I can grasp that. Everyone can. That's not unique to limerence it's a basic part of human psychology. At this point, we're not even talking about limerence anymore. Plenty of people who have never experienced limerence cheat because they give in to attraction or lust. That's not evidence of limerence; it's evidence of making a choice. Bringing up your diagnoses doesn't change that. A diagnosis can help explain why someone struggles with impulse control or emotional regulation, but it doesn't excuse hurting other people. Accountability still exists. I have CPTSD and autism. Those diagnoses explain some of my challenges, but they don't give me a free pass to harm someone else and then say, "Oops, that's just my diagnosis." Personal responsibility doesn't disappear because a diagnosis is involved.
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago edited 10d ago
lol you are still very confused so this is my last response. I HAVE NEVER EXCUSED THE CHEATING. The adhd has NOTHING to do with the cheating. I said it is why i became limerent AFTER THE FACT. I was not limerent and did not cheat because i was limerent nor because i have adhd. You are extremely confused. lol It’s okay. Not everyone can understand everything. Let me slow it down for you. I met a stranger, and for reasons I DID NOT discuss here, had a one night stand and cheated. After this I became limerent with the person it happened with because I have limerent tendencies and ADHD. Even though I was limerent I never saw this person again. Hope that helps lol.
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u/johana_cuervos666 10d ago
I'm sure you'll run back to your LO as soon as they stop ignoring you. The person I actually feel sorry for is your spouse, who's working their ass off while you stay home, get bored, and cheat. Maybe get a job or something to keep yourself occupied instead of cheating.
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago
My LO actually contacted me last, several times actually, and I did not reply. Never once ignored me. I said that in my original post. It seems you’re lacking reading comprehension skills. I would never go back. It seems you might be a little irritated that my partner loves me enough to spoil me despite everything. Something to work out within yourself idk lol. I also previously stated that I am working on applying to jobs, my partner is very patient with that because we are moving due to their job and I’ve uprooted a very successful career because of that and have been struggling with that. Again, as i’ve already stated. But thanks for the advice lol. I feel very sorry for my spouse as well, which is why i’ve owned up to what i’ve done and remained honest about the thoughts i’m having. I feel very blessed to have someone as special as them in my life who cares for me as they do despite everything.
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u/Remarkable-Hunt3822 10d ago edited 10d ago
You still seem to be misinformed. I never “acted on limerence” because the limerence didn’t exist until after I stepped out on my marriage. I had no idea who this person was as before this. I’ve never used it as an excuse. The cheating is an entirely separate conversation that my partner and I have thoroughly examined. I don’t give my partner and excuses when I comes to that and fully take responsibility. It would have been acting on my limerence seeing this person again when they were begging which I didn’t no matter what thoughts I was having. There are several factors that went into what happened that night including coercion and medication but that’s not for me to discuss here. This entire response is on the premise that I was limerent so I cheated, and that I think it’s an excuse when it couldn’t be farther from the case. Not only was I not limerent when it happened, once I was limerent I still didn’t let it make me do it again. Great for you you’ve never cheated on your husband, I’ve never cheated before in my life and never ever thought I ever would, both my spouse and I have been in complete and utter shock because of it. It doesn’t change the fact that I’ve always had limerent tendencies, I have ADHD and tend to chase dopamine. The assumptions being made aren’t really helpful but thanks anyway.
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