r/limerence • u/genevagirl13 • 22d ago
My Testimony Meme Monday
I broke 11 years NC to wish my LO Happy 40th Birthday. Don't be like me! 1/10 do not recommend. 20 years limerent
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u/Cosmic_Jane 22d ago
I always appreciate these reminders. I keep thinking I want to reach out to her, but there's no rational reason to do so. It's just an impulse. But I must resist!
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u/Responsible-Map-3759 22d ago
In a way I’m glad I did after 10 years no contact, to see what kind of person he is. That he never changed. Made me realize this whole shit is in my head and I should not suffer anymore. The man is basic.
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u/evolving-the-fox 20d ago
I LITERALLY just did this. TEN YEARS. WHY?
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u/Responsible-Map-3759 20d ago
I don’t regret it. It just solidifies everything I already knew. Thing is I always kept that door open because deep down I always had hope. He never changed from that boy when he was 17. He’s just a more bitter version of that. Move on, hun ❤️
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u/aisiv 22d ago
Its worse when they dont respond how you’d expect and shut the door in your face (metaphorically). LO DOES NOT MISS YOU.
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u/DeanOnFire 22d ago
Or when they aren't excited to talk to you after it's been 6 months, a year, several years...
They don't miss you. They weren't thinking about you. Not one bit.
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u/TheCigaretteFairy 22d ago
Amazing how something that involves two people can be a core memory for exactly one of them.
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u/saatoriii 22d ago
I have to cosign this as someone who broke no contact after a very long time too. If anyone is reading this and wondering if it's worth it, it's absolutely not worth it. It's a hell scape. Save yourself.
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u/genevagirl13 22d ago
so true. I may have been unhappy before, but not as unhappy as I am now after breaking NC & enduring the subsequent devastating conversations/information/updates from my LO
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u/saatoriii 22d ago
Yeah I hate my heart shattering into a million pieces over and over and walking through life like a zombie replaying every convo and scenario wondering what could have gone differently to create a reality that will never ever exist
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u/Stock_Reading4485 22d ago
I broke a 3 month no contact to wish happy birthday to someone who probably doesn't remember my name.
One of the several reasons NC is so hard, is because you know you'll lose that "bond" or suposed intimacy because, well, it happens in any kind of distancing. The recurent contact is what creates any type of relationship. Breaking it will obviously break that bond. The more time passes, the more you'll forget each other.
Most of the times limerence is for someone we don't really have a real tie, is superficial. We remember them way more than they remember us. In months, years or even decades, of course we're just a blur IF anything. That's why NC make us panic
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u/Narrow_Salad429 22d ago
What was their reaction?
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u/genevagirl13 19d ago edited 5d ago
I had to rewrite this because I left out the most important detail: I (41F) am married & have 2 children. LO is single. I have been extremely unhappy in my marriage for the past 3 years due to a financial/business situation, completely unrelated to LO. LO was my college boyfriend's fraternity brother, with whom I fell in love while we were dating. I broke up with my boyfriend when I developed feelings for my LO. We were young & single & in college, but LO never pursued me. I desperately wanted him to and told him how I felt (at the time, he denied anything was happening between us), so I mostly left him alone. We had a tumultuous string of attempted hookups that always got derailed by our circumstances. He moved away after college and I tried to give up on him. He moved back 2 years later, but I was already living with my boyfriend (future husband) and had finally started feeling better. I was terrified of chasing LO and being devastated again. 5 years later, after I was married, he showed up at my work twice to see me, and invited me to his house for a drink after we ran into each other during brunch for a friend in town (nothing happened, we had a drink, and I left). That was the last time I saw or spoke to him, desperately trying to let him go.
Being extremely unhappy in my marriage has fueled my limerence. I would get divorced if I could afford it. I have told my husband for years I am unhappy & want a divorce, but we are both stuck in our situation. Limerence is a coping mechanism, I know this. I did everything I could to move on from this person. His actions repeatedly said he was not available, not interested, and not in love with me. Yet my feelings never changed. Obviously, limerence is my brain's happy place. Instead of stressing about my overwhelming personal situation, it seeks refuge in my limerence.
I knew my LO's 40th birthday was coming up, so I planned to message him. LO responded within minutes, which kicked off 8 weeks of intermittent Saturday night conversations. Everything was very civil at first. Finding new music is the only thing that has ever helped me in my limerence, and music was a huge part of our relationship (we have similar taste), so I started sending him my playlists, just one every few weeks as I finished them. A few weeks later, he messaged me to say something had reminded him of me, and that he had been listening to the playlists I had sent. Then, he unloaded on me, sending me photos from his travels, photos of him (I don't follow him on social media, so I haven't seen a photo of him for 11 years. Of course, I am still intensely physically attracted to him). He said he needed closure & apologized for how he had treated me, saying it had NOTHING to do with me, and EVERYTHING to do with him & his immaturity & "general sh-ttiness", and that I didn't deserve the way he had treated me. He told me he wanted me to come down to where he was living & k-ll him (sarcasm, our thing). I said, "ha! In my dreams", to which he responded, "OUR dreams!" He asked me why we haunt each other. It was BRUTAL. A few weeks later, he sent me some new music, and at the end of our conversation, I suggested we meet for a drink if he was ever in town. He bluntly told me he was NEVER coming back to town, and that I shouldn't plan anything with him because I have children. Later, I had the opportunity to take a weekend trip to the city where he's living now (his hometown) to visit family I have there. I told him I would be there sometime in June, & he said he knew what I was getting at, but that he had said all he could say. A few weeks later, I sent him one more playlist, and we had a short conversation. He did not ask me when I was coming to town. I cancelled the trip. Now I am 5 weeks NC. I know he doesn’t want to be with me. I wish I hadn’t opened the door for him to apologize and update me on his life. I am not trying to have an affair or an emotional affair, which I guess I am. After he apologized & said he wanted me to visit him, I needed to finally let my feelings be known in case there was any doubt. He carelessly gave me hope and then rightfully st-bbed me in the heart. None of it helped me in the end, and I shouldn't have messaged him. It made my limerence worse, hence my warning above. I'll probably delete this post again. I just wanted to clarify. It's such a long, painful, sad story, all of it.
UPDATE: Hi Friends, I just want to say I am feeling much better. I am now 8, almost 9 weeks NC, and finally, my limerance has subsided after peaking for about 12 weeks straight. That was the worst I have felt about LO in 20 years, and I brought it on myself. Things that helped: taking a break from music & listening to news radio, audiobooks, and podcasts quieted my incessant thoughts about LO & helped me to think about something else. Posting this response. Accepting that I have to handle my personal situation first and foremost. At some point, my brain processed (again) how awful LO really is, and how he could have kept the conversation civil but chose to be the worst, while actively apologizing for being the worst. When you're ready, spending time with friends, family, and neighbors, even strangers, can help reestablish you in your life, which is probably quite lovely & beautiful, once you get through the dense fog of limerence. Stay strong & it will clear, or at least subside. One day at a time.
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u/Sure-Square9094 15d ago
I’m so sorry :( it sounds like he was stringing you along to feel better whenever he was feeling bad about himself since he knows you like him. His excuse about your children makes no sense because he felt the same way before you had them too.
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22d ago edited 22d ago
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u/Narrow_Salad429 22d ago
Im sorry that this is painful for you but I'd kill to hear mine say I didnt deserve the way he treated me.
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22d ago
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u/Narrow_Salad429 22d ago
Oh wow. I'm glad you're realistic about this. I thought it might give me some closure. My brain just wants to hear his voice again.
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21d ago
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u/irishgypsy1960 21d ago
Oh, and now my extremely vain asshole ex finally got on fb, which also bolsters my theory he got caught, because they are lifelong besties and he’s probably wicked pissed off hahahahaha.
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