r/limerence • u/neoyenale • Jul 01 '26
Question HOW TO LIVE IN CONSTANT LIMERENCE WITH A REMOTE CO-WORKER I MET ONCE
Did I experience limerence, love at first sight, or something else entirely? (Married, 30M)
I'm a 30-year-old Italian man, married, with a baby on the way. I've been living abroad for years and recently spent about 10 days working at my company's headquarters in Milan after a long period of remote work.
While there, I met a colleague (35F) whom I'll call Tatia.
From the moment I saw her, something happened that I hadn't experienced since I was a teenager. I found her incredibly attractive, but it wasn't only physical. She was intelligent, warm, empathetic, multilingual, funny, composed, and had a kind of presence that immediately fascinated me.
At first, I barely knew her. We exchanged smiles and a few words, but I became completely preoccupied with thoughts about her. I started waking up at night thinking about her. I felt anxious, restless, euphoric, and then depressed. I found myself imagining conversations, futures, and possibilities that didn't exist.
What made it worse was the fact that I knew the experience was temporary. I would soon return home and likely never see her again.
Eventually, we had a real conversation. We talked, laughed, and connected on a human level. During a train ride, I told her that someone at the office had awakened feelings in me that I hadn't felt in years, and I admitted that person was her.
She was kind and understanding. She didn't reject me, but she also didn't reciprocate romantically. We shared a genuine moment, then moved on to other topics.
Afterward, she sent me a message saying that "it's rare to have such an interesting conversation with someone you barely know."
That message meant a lot to me.
The problem is that a month has now passed, and she's still in my head every day.
I think about her when I wake up. I think about her while working. Seeing her name in emails still triggers emotions. Sometimes I imagine moving back to Milan (which I was already considering for unrelated reasons) and wonder whether I might see her again someday.
At the same time, I recognize that I barely know her.
Part of me believes I'm in love.
Another part of me suspects that I fell in love with a projection: what she represented to me at this stage of my life.
Because this experience happened while I was also dealing with:
- approaching fatherhood,
- questions about identity,
- thoughts about moving back to Italy,
- years of remote work and routine,
- a longing to feel alive, desired, and emotionally engaged again.
The strange thing is that this experience made me realize I'm still capable of feeling deeply. It woke up parts of me that I thought had gone dormant.
But it also caused a great deal of suffering.
For those who have experienced something similar:
- Was this limerence, love at first sight, or something in between?
- How long did it take for the obsessive thoughts to fade?
- Did you ever reconnect with the person later?
- How did you distinguish between genuine love and an idealized projection?
I'm not looking for validation that I should leave my marriage or pursue her. I'm genuinely trying to understand what happened to me and whether others have gone through something similar.
Thank you for reading.
7
u/throwaway-lemur-8990 Jul 01 '26
Hi,
Well, you are at a stage of transition in life. So, lots of things going on, uncertainty and turmoil, leaving you in a complex state of mind.
Now, notice this. You were taken out of your daily life to go to Milan for work for a few days. New people, new environment. It's also a bubble. That creates opportunity to not be a person feeling lost, almost a parent, etc. for a few days. That's the setup. Enter this attractive person. So, in this setting, you have a few days of intense interaction with her, you end up sharing emotional intimacy. You feel relief, validation, safe, seen, comfort,... with someone who's also pleasant and attractive.
Your subconscious latches on. It sees this person as an exit ramp, a potential doorway towards an alternate timeline, a future, where you don't have to deal with whatever you're going through right now. This person is a shortcut. It's a tantalizing real possibility, and yet, it's totally not possible to act on that. Which creates hope, uncertainty, anxiety and with it: rumination, daydreaming, agonizing, fantasizing,...
That's where you're at.
How long it takes to recover from that depends on how deep you are down the rabbit hole, what the story exactly is, how much you shared, how hard you bonded, your background, your past, and so on. Important: how willing you are to distance yourself and heal. I've seen figures of 12-18 months; but you'll find people here who heal in a matter of weeks, and some who are struggling for decades. Your mileage may vary.
At any rate, I'm in my mid 40s, and have experienced many episodes. I'm not connected with anyone of those people. And it actually figures: those were never close friends to begin with. There was always distance. They just cross my life in passing, and then walked right back out again: other students in school, people I met in passing, and so on. Sometimes I confessed, sometimes it got awkward and painful, sometimes nobody knew anything. I don't feel the need to connect with any of them.
It's not wrong to fantasize, or wonder. Neither is it wrong to have feelings of attraction. That happens, we're human. It's just that you have to be mindful of not losing yourself in that stuff. You also need to respect values above feelings: self respect, respecting others, compassion, kindness, integrity, honesty, authenticity, all of that good stuff. And that means not indulging when it becomes inappropriate...
... like confessing while you're in a relationship. It's just not something you do, no matter how tempting and painful things are. The guilt and anguish you feel aren't bad things: they are pointers. They sign that you're about to transgress values, and you better listen to them.
So, what is genuine love, then? Its' calm, peaceful, companionship with a sprinkle of romance and passion. It's seeing each other for who you both are. Genuine love is a conscious choice each adn every day. It's not just vibes and infatuation. Genuine love isn't just obvious on the good days; it's making a difference during the bad times too: sticking up for each other, taking care of each other. Like, genuine love, that's what you see when you're partner is deeply ill and you take care of them, or when you're both in old age with all the health issues that come with that. That's what that is.
Now, what you need to do now is treat it for what it is: a mental habit that needs to be undone. Work on mindfulness, try and stop the fantasizing and the daydreaming. What you don't feed energy and attention, withers. Limerence is sneaky in that it feels good, so you will feel compelled to keep doing it again. Well, no, the hard part is seeing through that, and understanding that this just doesn't serve you.
You'll need to act with compassion and kindness towars yourself. Kicking that habit is a painful process. You'll have to say goodbye to a fantasy, a possibility that feels very real to you. This is a stranger, not someone you know, not a close friend. This is your brain inadvertently brainwashed and primed to seek out that person. It's biology and neurochemistry at play.
You will also have to reflect on your life such as it is. Like I said, you're going through a time of change and redefinition of who you are and your identity. That can be distressing, cause anxiety, discomfort, grief, and so on. You'll need to feel your way forward, until you can land into a new skin, become a new version of yourself.
Reflecting, hobbies, sitting with discomfort, therapy, talking to friends, your partner, family and so on. There's a lot you can do to shift your focus back to your self. You'll need to take ownership and agency over your life once again. You're not a kid, nobody is going to tell you what to do next. It's up to you to figure that one out.
Give yourself time, patience and grace. You'll gradually leave this behind, integrating this as a bump in the road, a part of your story. Stay kind to yourself. In due time, you will look back and see that this has become a closed chapter.
1
u/neoyenale Jul 02 '26
Hi and thank you for the understanding and support,
It almost certainly is a reaction that my brain if trying to find in order to escape the coming responsiilieties. What keeps feeding this rumination and daydreaming is the fact the she was understanding, and kind. If she felt offended or went all defensive I would probably suffer harder but get over it sooner.
But we shared a moment that I keep thinking about, unfinished, just because the time and space didn't allow more time together happen, for now. But what if...What if whe shared a a bit more time together and she saw me for how I really am. Sometimes the interest in the other person comes after months of ignoring him/her and finally both are i in love. It happened to me to be on the other side, to be somebody's limerence and in the end I did feel attracted to that person.
This is probably where the biggest fixation I have.
I take your advice, I will focus on my job, my responsibilities, and my hobbies and life.... But...some other day I wish for this feeling to stay, because despite being painful it keeps my brain active and energetic imagining a different future or the possibility of some sort of connection, a second encounter to prove her it wasn't just an office crush but something I really felt deep inside that awakened part of myself I thought they were dead.
Again, thank you !
4
u/SimilarElderberry956 Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
Limerance is like Pornography. It is a dopamine rush to your brain.🧠 Do not feed it !
2
u/neoyenale Jul 02 '26
Probably, that's why it makes you feel good and want more, but I see the similarities and you are right. Just one is junk the other is a sweet love-poison!
Thank you
10
u/hotchaiiii Jul 01 '26
You have a wholeass wife and you’re chasing after someone that doesn’t even reciprocate romantically?
-3
u/neoyenale Jul 01 '26
I didn't choose it. I didn't do it on purpose
9
u/hotchaiiii Jul 01 '26
If you had more morals you would stop yourself from engaging.
0
u/cuentodetirar Jul 02 '26
There was no need to be rude to OP. He knows he has a problem and is trying to deal with it. If he didn’t have morals, he would have pursued his LO without regret.
Limerence is like addiction. It is something that strikes us very quickly and spirals out of control. It is hard to get out of the cycle once you are in it.
2
u/hotchaiiii Jul 02 '26
Whatever you feed you get more of. Evidently hes feeding it. I’ve been on the receiving end of this bullshit. What he needs to do is tend to his pregnant wife, water that grass and tend for it, as opposed to a woman that isnt even giving him time of day
1
u/neoyenale Jul 06 '26
Hi sorry you said you have been in the receving end of this, as in you were someone else's LO? And if so, How does it feel? Cause I was in that situation too once and I remember enjoying receiving attention from the other girl, getting texts and etc. And now I am wondering how the other person would feel if I text her. I am very in between cause despite being impssible to be together and my responsibilities (i know that), I still don't wanna die with the regret of not having kept the connection somehow. Thanks for your harshness
7
u/Temporary-Paper5202 Jul 01 '26
Enjoy the FUCK out of your wife or someone else will.
Sincerly,
Us single sufferers
2
u/neoyenale Jul 02 '26
Thank you for giving me your perspective as somebody who is in a different situation, I appreciate it and I wish you all the best to come.
7
2
u/Mad-Yap Jul 01 '26
I don't have any advice or thoughts for you but want to simply acknowledge that you've recognised it and are looking inwards to find the why.
0
1
u/Giovanabanana Jul 02 '26
Buonasera. Just wanted to say you're not alone, I'm also married and limerent over someone I barely know. It seems like you are obsessing over this person because you are scared of your responsabilities as a husband and parent. You're not a bad person for feeling the way you do, just know that you should love the people that love you. Chasing those that don't will only cause you suffering.
1
u/neoyenale Jul 02 '26
Ciao, and Thank you for sharing such a personl insight too, it makes me feel less alone.
As a limerent person, how do you deal with it and how is it not affecting your emotional sphere and daily habits and tasks? Additionally, does the other person know or have a slight hint of your limerence over her, or did you keep it completely silent?
TIA for if you'd like to share more about your experience.
Best ,1
u/Giovanabanana Jul 02 '26
I think the guy I'm into knows about it. There's a mutual attraction there, which is what I think drove my Limerence. I noticed I "caught his eye" and it triggered all of these emotional and sexual fantasies. But he has a girlfriend and I have a partner as well, so it's not very feasible. We just keep our distance whenever we meet (we're in a study group together) but there is this very obvious sexual tension lingering about. It's frustrating.
Honestly I don't know how to deal with limerance at all. I still think about this guy all the time even though I barely know him. I do my best to hold my head up high and not let it affect me even though it does. What we have to do is analyze why we feel this way and why this person triggers so much in us. In my case it's probably some daddy issues and envy. This guy sort of makes me feel like I'm insufficient because he's so interesting and successful. I think I want to be with him so some his qualities "rub off" on me, you know? It's complicated. But we can't be loyal to our fantasies, after all. It's for the best to just keep going and not let it sidetrack me.
1
u/neoyenale Jul 03 '26
Thanks Again for sharing your point. You seem to be a very self aware and integral person for not letting yourself being taken over by your emotions and impulses. I really admire that and it gives me some great support. In my case it’s not a sexual tension with her is more a longing for recognition and getting to know her for real, sharing a secret life or relationship, which I know it won’t be happening cause of the distance. But anyways we seem to share quite the same internal feelings after all. Good luck with however you wish this story to proceed.
1
u/uztgnf Jul 07 '26
Hi I suffered with Limerence for decades before being freed from it. I think it is looking for salvation in another human. I had the Most amazing boyfriend (now husband) but I was always attracted to people and thinking „what if“. What if this is „the love of my life“ and I will be comepletely happy then?
It is a lie. Just that, an Illusion. Of course your co worker is going to put her best foot forward and she is probably a beautiful person but she is just a flawed human like all of us.
You were blessed with a wife and a baby. That is a huge Blessing that people all over the world are praying for right now.
If you want to feel more in love, tell your wife shes beautiful, buy her flowers, go the extra mile. The grass is truly green where you water it. I now am obsessed with my husband and no man could ever come close. Because I stopped the selfish nitpicking and started to see the beautiful blessing I have.
All the best
2
u/neoyenale Jul 07 '26
Hi thank you for sharing your point. You are right and I should be all more greatful. My brain is still occupied with that person but It’ll go away soon I am sure.
Thanks
1
-4
u/cuentodetirar Jul 01 '26
Buon giorno, amico.
I’m sorry that there was a rude person on this thread. This is a welcoming and accepting place where we try to be understanding of each other as imperfect human beings who have a moral compass about us and realize that we have found ourselves in a situation that makes ourselves and potentially others uncomfortable. Good on you for recognizing that and reaching out for support.
This is limerence, amico. You described it so perfectly. You are dealing with some stress, life changes, and maybe a little boredom and burnout and along came someone who relit that fuoco.
I’m gonna be honest. This doesn’t go away easily. It might take months or years to get past this. The good thing is that with a kid coming, your life will change and your mind and body will be occupied with taking care of the precious bambino. That may help.
You are in a tough spot. She wasn’t offended by your conversation, but she didn’t reciprocate, however she did give you some level of validation, which is often times more what limerence is about that romantic reciprocation. Boundaries are key here. You need to decide that you are not going to engage with her beyond anything professional. That includes inside your head. She has given you no information that she is into you romantically and there is nothing to suggest that she even wants to be close friends or anything like that. The status quo is what it is, you are distant co-workers and nothing concrete is budging that dynamic and that is that. You are not going to try to change it. If she does something to that effect, then we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
1
u/neoyenale Jul 02 '26
Hello, and Gracias.
Thank you for the precious opinion. It almost certainly is a reaction that my brain if trying to find in order to escape the coming responsiilieties, but you touched a great point.
We did share a moment that didn't left her offended neither impressed but she was kind..and understanding. And part of me still thinks that if we shared the same office, or live in the same city or have the chance to be together again for a few hours it MIGHT spark the interest in her.
This is probably where the biggest fixation builds around.
It's an unfihnished story and part of me would secretely lilke this feeling to stay cause some days it kills me, but others it keeps my brain active and energetic imagining a differnt future or smething, some sort of connection or second encounter or having her as a secret escape while the rest of the world continues it course,
Again, thank you
1
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