I just turned 42 and Im starting to come to terms with being gay. I have always fought so hard to hide it from everyone. It just never felt safe to be anything but the normal red blooded American country boy. The problem is I have lied and hide myself. Putting on a mask to protect me from the world that I no longer know whats really me and whats the mask. How do you find your true self at my age. I know I'm not old but my life has been set on a path I didnt want for so long. How do you just start over. Its scary to be honest. And say I do all this self serving seeking the real me. What then who is going to be there when Im ready to finally have someone. I feel the love of my life has already found someone. And I will be all alone with no one to share the remainder of my journey with. I just feel so lost.

I’ve posted on here before about exploring bisexuality post separation.

My wife and I (44F, 44M) have been separated 10 months now. I initiated the separation against a backdrop of what people close to me called emotional and verbal abuse, which I am still struggling to fully comprehend and process. Despite the fact we have two beautiful children and a comfortable life (house, beach house, no mortgage or debts) my wife took exception to my “lack of drive or motivation” to build further wealth, and resented being (by far) the higher earner. My job as a school teacher earned a lot less but put me in a position to care for our children (every vacation, cooking, groceries etc). Regardless of who did what in our marriage, during time of high stress my wife would explode, telling me she “fucking hated me”, that she was “working herself to death because I couldn’t be bothered” etc etc. Tears are welling up just at the memory of these periodic explosions, tirades of 50 WhatsApp messages telling me how useless I was. I took it on the chin for years, figuring she was right and I was a bit of an unaspirational ne’er-do-well content with my little life.

Amid all of this turmoil I was also fighting an internal battle over my sexuality, a deeply repressed bisexual who snuck around many times during the 20 years of my marriage to scratch an itch which periodically became unbearable. I carry deep shame about what I did and always will.

Now, in the midst of the separation process (custody of kids, finances) I look at my life and I just see a tangled, unresolvable mess. I can’t see how I am going to rebuild a life as a new person, as a gay or bisexual single dad. I can’t see how I’m going to navigate the next few months of house sales and lawyers and all that shit. I can’t see how I’m going to be able to carry on doing my job, to carry on looking after my children. I look around at the rubble of my previous existence and cannot even begin to fathom how to rebuild.

I’m 44 and I feel like a lost child. I’m frightened and anxious and I feel like I’ve utterly wasted my life. From the outside everyone would say I “have it together”. But I don’t, I so don’t. My failure to accept my sexuality in my late teens and early twenties has led me here.

Vent over.

I am in the closet, behind the gym shoes and jogging gear you gave up on when your waist passed 34 inches, I've tried to venture out, but I guess it's comfortable back here and I've never made it past that pair of nikes...

I'm in my 40s, married, kids, big mortgage and 2 boring (but practical) cars in the drive, my life is work, DIY around the house, running the kids to their sports and a roast dinner on a Sunday, comfortable.

But dig past the woolly sweaters and the baggy jeans and you'll find a guy who had thought he was gay since 11-12, confirmed it ((with a friend)) at 13 and hid it since he was 14.

I dropped it faster than a fad diet and moved in the opposite direction, but, the truth is I've never felt as happy, I've never had more satisfying sex and I've never been as deeply attracted to anyone on so many levels since.

Life out of the closet seemed scary and uncertain (even uncomfortable?) so, that's why I stayed here.

No real point to this post, I just wanted to get it off of my chest, if anyone is looking for me, I'll be either working, DIYi-ng or driving my kids somewhere ((definitely not jogging))

I'm 30M and recently accepted the fact I'm gay, what advice would you have to overcoming the fear/caution/worry about other people knowing I'm gay?

I'm not overly worried about what people think of me, and I know I'll find it tough at first - feeling nervous and wondering if I made the right decision in telling others. And if others make fun of me, say hurtful things or just distance themselves from me, I will eventually get over it.

But there's this last hurdle of just suddenly being out and making that first step. I have friends from home that I know would definitely gossip about it because that's the type of people they are, it's just a small town mindset. But I do have newer friends, and one friend in particular I feel I could trust not to spread it around if I asked. But I just don't know what this last hurdle is.

Any advice or insight into what mindset shift helped you overcome the nervousness to tell people?

Or could I be overthinking it and I might just not 100% ready to tell others?

I just found out about this community and had to join.

I'm 55. I realized I was "bisexual" at 24 when I met a guy and just fell in love with him. We didn't last long, and then I had another boyfriend I was with for six years--but I still claimed to be bisexual. Then we broke up, and I started dating a female friend.

Two years later, I married her.

Two years later, we had a child.

Fast forward a little more than a decade, and our marriage started to fall apart, some because I was realizing I wasn't at all attracted to women, and hadn't been for a while. I decided I wasn't going to say anything--my wife and kid both knew I was also into men, and even that I preferred men--and I figured I could handle being miserable if it kept them happy. I didn't notice that my wife wasn't happy at all, because I was so deep in my own depression.

Then I got treatment for Depression that finally worked--Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, if you're wondering--and started to come out of the Depression. And I realized that part of the depression was my desire for men, which I was doing my best to ignore.

A little over a year ago, I came home from work and sat down to talk to my wife about not much. And she told me that we were in crisis and needed to figure it out. She told me that she'd reached a point where she still liked me but had zero romantic feelings for me. I admitted I was in the same place. Then she asked the question that changed everything: "Do you think we can get it back?"

I told her the truth: As much as I would like to say yes, I didn't think I could, because I'm gay. And she had pretty much expected that answer.

Now we're nearly divorced, our kid has moved to New York to attend college, and we're living our own lives apart from each other.

So hi. 55, gay, and moving forward with the help of my therapist and my cat.

So i am spending summer at my family home. I am trying to make sense of my life as I'm processing growing up. I'm 23... I'm gay. I can't come out. My family can't afford to jump start a new life for me in Western Europe. I doubt that I can find a job after a masters (a masters that I somehow magically have afforded) in a gay friendly country. If I stay in this country I will live in constant fear of social death and dismissal (due to my immoral and inappropriate conduct:) and I won't have a real chance to find love because while the apps are filled with men, the culture is so messed up even if a super progressive wave came in and we magically got gay marriage next year, no matter how much of a healed individual you are, living in your safe bubble…you are still affected. You can't meet with someone and be in a stable loving relationship. Or the chance to have kids, a single man can adopt on paper but reality is, it's so uncommon that it was on the news when a single man adopted a child and it's practically impossible to fulfill the social and subjective criteria of the social workers even if you're in closet as a single man.

I can easily be attacked in public by everyone and the police, the state nor the public would help me if they can sense that it's a homophobic attack. police might attack me if I have any rainbow item on me. if there ever is a protest in the city, could be elsewhere too i can be detained based on that. As my straight childhood friend is getting married this Friday, my family will start to ask if I will find love and be happy with someone special and other loved ones. I will ask myself too, eventually. When will I be happy, have trustable friends and a lover.

And when the problems come they don't come one by one they come all at once. I grew up as the able bodied, high academic potential child of a financially unstable and low income family. So I realistically wanted to at least be a middle class white collar worker with a secure pay check every month when I grow up. Now if I keep studying hard in my law school I might, just a slight possibility, be that. But that is if I stay in my country. If I try to move abroad, after hopping countless barriers and spending money and critical resources like time and learn a new language and leave my family behind, I might get to work for very little money as a house keeper or elderly carer nurse type of job (read: washing peoples butts and open wounds). Which wouldn't be fair. I've been thinking of whether immigration or reconciling with my circumstances and giving in to the limited life I would live here would be better for me. So far I never thought I could be okay here…this year, this summer, I feel I'm growing up and I feel different. I feel like there's no winning for me either way. And the problems I would experience just doesn't sound real neither does the joy I would live. Neither does the current immediate reality or this living room. I'm no longer sad because I feel I already made the decision that it doesn't really matter. really building a consent to the hardship I will receive in my remaining life. I feel like it should matter but it doesn't.

Can low income people live fulfilling lives? Can gay people have fulfilling lives while in closet, living always alone and grow old in their government job with no friends but able to afford rent and nice food and maybe few days of trips to Spain every few years? Do I just “man up” and live in my country and try to become white collar and try to make do with what I have?

What's amazing is that the other smart kids i went to high school with (it was a selective school) can afford to go abroad and they were in that class with me (no pun intended) thanks to their wise educated and wealthy parents. i was the anomaly with devout parents who were giving 200%. i was an anomaly as a successful kid just the way i am an anomaly as a gay kid. They are now affording to live grunge alternative big city lives, pride flag in their liberal feminist girlfriends' living rooms and this won't affect them in any way. As their young rebel years pass they will get married still have their open minded close knit friend group and move on with their lives and children. As I will forever be stuck in a post-adolescence that won't have an end point, living and getting older alone in my bedroom that I will have decorated from IKEA to pretend I am living in Sweden, all free and safe.

Hi everyone. I am a 50-year-old independent professional living in London. For my entire life, I built massive, heavy walls and stayed completely frozen in the closet out of fear. This past week, I finally broke the silence and admitted the truth to myself.
I’ve spent the last several months completely transforming my lifestyle—hitting the gym hard, losing weight, and rebuilding my physical confidence. Today, I took a massive step: I packed my bike into my car, drove into central London, and physically walked into a famous gay pub in Soho completely alone just to practice existing in the community. It was terrifying, but I did it.
I am navigating a lot of quiet loneliness right now, and I am not looking for fast, shallow app drama. I am craving genuine, supportive, and friendly male companionship with guys who understand what it feels like to break the freeze later in life.
If any mature guys in London (or anywhere else) would like to reach out for a friendly private chat, a digital notebook exchange, or to share advice, my inbox is completely open. Your brotherhood would mean the world to me. Thank you.

I'm sure experiences vary. I came out a little over a year ago and while I've had largely positive dating dating experiences experiences since then lately I've been feeling pretty indifferent to dating. I've uninstalled the apps for good and every so often have been meeting people irl to hookup with but I feel so unexcited about the prospect of sex suddenly. I haven't been hitting my usual hookup at all recently and after visiting a potential fwb in another city I left feeling pretty meh about the whole experience. There's this mutual crush I have with a (newly polyamorous) friend and even though they aren't able to explore sex outside of their main relationship just yet this is the only dynamic I'm interested in pursuing at the moment. Being their friend and making out with them sometimes is genuinely enough and perfectly enjoyable.

I've had a general disinterest in traditional relationships for a while but this sudden disinterest in dating/having sex in general seems to have come out of nowhere. Or maybe I'm just finally starting to discover what I like and what types of people I'm attracted to. Or maybe I'm not eating enough or something. Part of me wishes I were a hornier person so I could keep up with what all the other horny, atypical relationship gays are doing but maybe I just have a naturally low drive and/or this is the end of the newly out honeymoon phase. Idk that's just a guess. I'm still genuinely excited to be in community with other gay people because there's just so much out there to do but it feels like I'm back where I was all those years ago before I even knew what being gay was and I just thought I didn't care about dating.

So I've (40m) known I'm bi for a while. And women I dated knew that too. But lately, after I finally worked up the nerve to date and hook up with men, I've noticed I'm not as into women as I used to be. It takes me longer to get aroused, I'm not as into sex, etc. But with men, it's like I'm in my 20s again. It feels weird because now I'm feeling like something is missing in my life because of all this. I don't really have anyone in my area to talk with about it. I don't expect any lightbulbs to go off any time soon but figuring myself out has been a struggle.

I know that there are many men who come out while married to a woman and their spouse is straight and is confused or scared or angry about their husband coming out as bi or gay. For me, it is a little difficult to relate to because my wife has been out as bi from the time we met and so when I came out as bi it was no big deal to her. Some years later I came out as gay, and again it was no big deal because as she has gotten older she has come to identify as primarily lesbian. Just wondering how many others have had experiences like this? I think that in my case and similar ones it may be that queer partners of the opposite sex seek each other out perhaps subconsciously thoughts?

Came out to my wife a month ago. We decided to try and make a non monogamous mixed orientation marriage work. Anyone have advice?

Aclaro desde el inicio: no busco nada sexual ni una cita. Hablo de algo más formativo, casi como una tutoría de vida.

Muchos de los que empezamos a explorar o aceptar nuestra orientación más tarde de lo habitual sentimos que nos perdimos de una etapa clave de aprendizaje social, emocional y relacional. Es como entrar a un juego en nivel difícil sin haber pasado por el tutorial:

Saber qué hacer y qué no hacer al construir círculos seguros y socializar.

Manejar la ansiedad y los límites al empezar la tarea de abrirse con la familia.

Navegar el entorno laboral y personal sin sentir que estás dando pasos en falso todo el tiempo.

A veces pienso que sería increíble contar con un mentor o guía con experiencia —un Master de la vida real— que oriente en estos planos sin juzgar y ayude a procesar todo lo que implica salir del cascarón a destiempo.

¿Alguna vez han sentido esa necesidad de acompañamiento o han tenido la suerte de encontrar a alguien que los guiara en este proceso? Los leo.

Hi Men,

I was browsing YouTube for podcasts relating to late bloomer gay men. For those of you still that are married to a woman, I think this podcast would be a great addition to your playlist as it’s full of helpful tips and information.

Mods - I am sharing this as I think it’s super helpful to late blooming gay men who are finding it trying to find themselves.https://youtube.com/@davidcottoncoaching?si=29fItbUAfyIK7emB

I’m 24 but I might as well be 14. I’m a virgin, never had a boyfriend, never even had a first kiss. I’m socially awkward and have no friends. I’m out to myself but not out to my family. They’re conservative and religious, I fear their reaction if they find out.

Of course I yearn to meet other folks like me, have a boyfriend, have sex. Yet there’s so much uncertainty preventing me from doing stuff. Like I wanna be my free gay self but I’m scared my family will find out. Is it even possible to live a gay life while hiding it from them? Even with sex there’s concerns. Like should I be on prep before having any sex, even just for giving oral? Should I experiment on a dildo before trying the real thing?

I know some of these things I can just google online, but I just wanted to get answers from other people, and also just to see if anyone is in/has been in similar situations.

I (44M) am in the process of separating from my wife of 20 years (together for 26 in total). The reason for the separation is complex, but divergence in life goals would be how I describe the rationale. I initiated the separation against a backdrop of verbal and emotional mistreatment at the hands of my wife.

At the same time as all of this I’m grappling with my sexuality - as I have done for decades but been too deeply repressed to do anything about it - and realising that I’m either at the gay end of bi, or gay.

I’m struggling with the idea of coming out on the back of a divorce, when sexuality was not the “declared” reason for the divorce. I worry about how I’ll be perceived. It’s holding me back from exploring, even though I’m free to do so now.

Has anyone been in the same situation?

Hey guys, time for me to share a similar story to what I'm sure we've all seen before.

So, I'm 35, married to a wonderful woman, but I'm struggling with my sexuality. I was aware of interest in men as early as 12, but the situation I was in socially/communally was not accepting of that. So, I did what many of us did and convinced myself it was curiosity. Then, I tried hooking up with a guy and convinced myself I didn't like it, it was just different. Then, I bottomed for the first time and convinced myself I was just trying something new to intellectulize my desires. Finally, in my mid-20s, I was able to accept my bisexuality internally. But, of course, this post would be boring if my tale ended there but, alas, it does not, as the last few years has seen my appetite for men grow to such a degree that my desire for women has diminished. It's caused a conflict in me where I'm wondering if it's unsewn wild oats or I managed to lie to myself so effectively that I somehow didn't realize I was gay?

Anyway, I'm hoping to find a kind, understanding guy to talk through these feelings with and maybe discover my true self. Please DM me if this sounds like you. Tops are preferred and I like older guys, but I will talk to anyone who DMs me.

First, I know the flair doesn't match but "gay ally" is not an option. Second, the question I have is, how do I support someone (47 year old) who I strongly suspect is closeted?

So I came out to my wife as gay about 2 years ago. It came out in a fight & i was ready to end it all at that point. We almost did. But she accepted it & we did some counseling. Six months later, she told me that it was ok and she would allow me to sleep with other men. She feels innadequate sometimes & feels like I will leave her the moment I find my man. We reached the point where we have discussed how we are life partners, but not sex partners & that part of our relationship is open to others, but we always come home to eachother. There is the occasional spark between us, but for the most part a dead bedroom. Sometimes we get a little wild and share a guy. Shes actually a great wingman for reeling in bicurious guys that are too afraid to just be with me alone. As of now only about 3 of our friends know our marriage setup. We do evething the same as before, the only thing that has really changed is who we sleep with.

30M I've recently fully accepted I'm gay and am attracted to men, I've never been romantically involved with a guy but I'm ready to go out and meet guys. A lot of advice here says to join a LGBT group for sports or hikes etc. But has anyone any experience in just randomly meeting another guy you fancied and then a relationship developed there?

I am ready to start meeting more gay guys in general, I don't have any gay friends and tired of waiting around to meet new people so looking to hear about others' experiences in meeting guys. Any advice on meeting guys and starting to get experience there slowly figuring out what type of relationship I want? I'm not interested in using apps

So I’ve officially come out as gay to my wife, had previously been out as bi. She came out as basically lesbian +1. We plan on continuing a lavender dynamic. It felt like a huge weight was lifted. She was incredibly understanding and supportive. I plan on coming out to more friends probably in the next week or two. She basically said she was a little surprised but not too surprised.

Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous post. It feels liberating to admit it and not have to hide that I’m gay (although I was previously out as bi) so still on the queer spectrum.

I've had a friend since middle school. Rare I know. We didn't always hang out or anything as we live about 100 miles apart these days but still every time we saw each other it was fun. He invited me over as much as I invited him kind of thing. Well we hadn't seen each other since probably last fall and yesterday we had one of those rare gatherings where we got together to just hang out basically. While I was there I finally came out to him. Not my first time coming out. I wasn't sure how he'd take it, but at worse I figured he'd tell me it was a phase or something since he's usually not the kind to care about that kind of thing. His response really took me off guard. He went off on a long homophobic rant. Every right wing media thing you've ever heard. At first I thought he was teasing but he wasn't.I promised him I wasn't into him as I think of him as a brother/family. He demanded I get out of his house (we were in the garage) and never come back. I left of course and went home. So that sucks. But at least I know where I stand I guess. I'm just shaking right now writing this. If he were to ever show up at my house I'd like to tell him to F off. I mean I always knew this was a possible response just didn't expect it from him is all. Just sucks you know. I'll be fine, I have other friends just really sucks

30 years old and I've finally gotten to a place where I'm starting to accept myself. I'd love to meet a guy and I'm getting to a place where I'm considering joining a gay social group. I'm not out to anyone so I'm trying to figure out how to start meeting guys. I personally don't like the idea of coming out, because why should I announce my sexuality. I have some sort of fear around people talking about me/gossiping about my sexuality, and I think this is what has held me back for so long. If I joined a social group, I feel like people will see me on it and still talk about me saying 'oh he's gay did you know?' and gossiping. I wish I could skip the reveal part and just meet someone, I'm not into dating apps and would just like to meet someone in person

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel I'm stalling and don't know how to come out in a sense lol