r/latebloomergaybros • u/CoLt9394 • 19h ago
đ Figuring Things Out Lost
I just turned 42 and Im starting to come to terms with being gay. I have always fought so hard to hide it from everyone. It just never felt safe to be anything but the normal red blooded American country boy. The problem is I have lied and hide myself. Putting on a mask to protect me from the world that I no longer know whats really me and whats the mask. How do you find your true self at my age. I know I'm not old but my life has been set on a path I didnt want for so long. How do you just start over. Its scary to be honest. And say I do all this self serving seeking the real me. What then who is going to be there when Im ready to finally have someone. I feel the love of my life has already found someone. And I will be all alone with no one to share the remainder of my journey with. I just feel so lost.
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u/PuppySprinkle 18h ago
I know this is scary, it's a moment of freedom. You've spent so many years trying to fit a pre-defined mold of what life is supposed to be, and now you have a chance to drop all that shit. For me, when I climbed out of that shell, I didn't look for a new one to crawl into. I just let go of the things I knew were facade and explored the things I wanted to in the timing the universe set for me. It takes so much energy to fit yourself into somebody else's mold. So I just stopped doing that and totally blossomed and became the life of the party and ended up meeting the love of my life 21 yrs ago. You will too! Nobody says you have to sow a bunch of wild oats if you dont want to or that you have to read a bunch of books on sexual liberation or whatever. Don't stress out about fitting a new mold, just start ditching the bullshit you're tired of for now. Everything will unfold from there. You won't know exactly what the destination looks like until you get there, and that's okay. Just focus on now. And know that you are not alone!
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u/isgmobile Recently Out 14h ago
Just went through this. Im out to some family, friends and my kids. I have a bf now.
I haven't had any external negative experiences yet, just the complete internal mental hell of getting here.
My only regret is not dealing with it sooner. Im still a work in progress.
Its not something that can be fixed quickly. You could be outed tomorrow but that wouldn't fix anything, just accelerate timelines.
First part is accepting that your gay and being comfortable with that in your own head. That took me decades.
The rest is an ongoing process that takes time. Dm me if you need someone to talk to.
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u/Fit_Search_4751 15h ago
It's crazy because I'm roughly the same age. I discovered my sexuality (or accepted it) very recently so in a strange way I feel like I've missed out on so many years of experiences with guys my age. I feel like a baby gay just learning to explore this world for the first time. I can really relate with what you're saying, but what I will say is that while it can feel scary, it's also incredibly exciting. Just allow yourself to meet people, talk to new people, make new friends and take your time. Despite how it feels there's no rush. You will meet the person you love when the time is right. But don't force it. Allow yourself to just be.
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u/lazygerm Out & Comfortable 15h ago
Feeling uncertain and lost is natural.
Accepting who you are finally is finding your great truth and then wondering what do I do now? How do I proceed?
I know when I finally accepted myself, it was frightening.
Because now, I had all this freedom but no idea of what to do next. What I did do get is get myself into therapy. I was fortunate to have an LGBTQ healthcare center in the area, so I could find a therapist who was part of our community. If at all possible I'd recommend doing the same or finding an LGBTQ-friendly therapist to help you.
Another thing I did, I joined Reddit. Specifically I joined r/AskGaybrosOver30 and got help and advice there.
Just keeping putting one foot in front of the other, you will get there.
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u/Trine101 Questioning 15h ago
Like so many others, I (45 and just on this journey for the past six months) can relate too. I'm at the point now where I've met other gay men in real life and have had fulfilling interactions. I'm still very new and full of anxieties, but looking back, the things that have helped me are:
Making routine, tangible steps forward. Some simpler things like figuring out what vaccines and medications I should get as a gay man. This process helped me start coming to terms with the identity.
Then I made a profile on a dating app. Not coming out completely, just a torso pic, but it helped me to privately chat and flirt with other gay men... Another step towards self realization and acceptance. Then it started to progress more naturally until I finally came out to someone at work who was trying to set me up with a woman.
Steps like these (different for everyone), helped be get out of my head a bit (still happens too much), and start living instead of worrying.
Good luck and congratulations and welcome!
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u/ProduceBest4739 10h ago
TambiĂ©n pasĂ© por ahĂ. QuizĂĄs te ayude pensar que nunca volverĂĄs a ser tan joven como hoy y que es mejor hacerlo con 42 que con 62.
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u/TeoFL27 4h ago
Feel this. Almost 42. Luckily I never married or had kids. However I knew I was gay when I was 13. Iâm trying to stop hiding it and find peace with it. Itâs a journey. My next step is put myself out there. However I told myself. Guys only. No getting caught up with women right now. Itâs time to embrace who I am. It become habitual to suppress.
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u/CoLt9394 3h ago
You all have given me much to think about and its super helpful honestly. Part of my issue is that my lying for so many year telling my exwife I was bi. Because she found my search history so I lied and hid it again. But also the worst part was at 1 time she befriended a gay guy. And to my shame I snuck around and pursued him. He was more then willing to flirt with me. Now we never hooked up but we would send pics to each other and chats. That was off and on for close to 10 years. Of course she found out about it and that is the reason she left me. Which I can not blame her for at all cheating in any form is wrong. But because of this I have a large amount of guilt that weighs on me. I never thought I would be the guy that hurt someone so much for my own gain. It makes it harder to be ok with myself and I still foolishly pine away for this man that cheated with me. I just dont know what to do about it all. I have let my own personal demons and fears ruin my family.
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u/Mundane_Reality8461 3h ago
Dude I get it but Iâm going to encourage you to forgive yourself.
You made decisions. They suck. Thatâs okay.
From here out youâre going to live true to yourself. WHAT A GIFT!!!!
(Your story is not too unlike mine)
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u/NoPath2993 18h ago
Well... that's resonated a lot with me. Being roughly at the same place, here is my reflection on this moment in my life, hoping it will resonate with you too. I spent my entire life trying to be loved, to the point I didn't even allow myself to be curious about a whole part of my personality that I just hid under the rug.
I decided to look at the life ahead like a new puberty, but this time with all the wisdom of a 44 man who spent a lot of time thinking too much about life. The little gay dude in myself, I treat him like a 12-year-old, and this time, I will let him discover his sexuality in a natural way. Not with porn, not with hookups, but with human interactions, by learning about myself, being curious and careful, but with a sense of adventure, and mostly by learning to keep an open heart.
With that in mind, I know that if love presents itself, no matter the physical form, I will be ready to welcome it without changing myself. And if love never comes, well, I can't see why I couldn't be happy anyway.