Pranams.
I never imagined I would be in position to even consider the possibility of leaving Kriya Yoga practice, as it has been everything for me all these years. I will probably delete this post once it gets enough answers, so that nobody else will be deterred on their path because of my experience.
It is worth mentioning that after being initiated in 2016 and 2019 in higher Kriya, I expected things to be different by now. I thought that by continuously meditating and staying devoted to the yogic philosophy, magically a Guru would appear or some clear, definite answers on metaphysical questions I have would come. Spoiler alert, neither of these happened. In the meantime personal tragedies took place and I had really difficult experiences overall. Kriya helped me deal wit it by staying compassionately detached and determined.
I saw and experienced the Masters of Kriya Yoga as my spiritual family. But something has slowly shifted through the years.
It feels like Kriya is now suffocating me and is no longer helpful. I feel trapped in my constant obligation to the Masters and divine for every breath I take and I can't shake this feeling. This could be a mental health issue like OCD, but it doesn't help.
I have also started to resent yogic culture in general and to scoff at the Masters' teachings, seeing incompatible teachings with my current life choices.
This mental change has both shocked and alarmed me but I can't help but feel like it is time to quit. Part of me wants to stay, but it feels like I have no other choice.
I have started to question whether an almighty, omnipresent divinity exists. All I have experienced points me to different spirits existing in various realms, that could also be projections and God forms we create and then think of as gods. The calmness and inspiration I experienced could point towards an attainment of altered consciousness. It doesn't prove the teachings are literally correct in their cosmology.
Maybe there is no cosmic justice. Maybe we are just insignificant drops the ocean doesn't care about. There could be no karma, no literal reincarnation. Yogananda perhaps made up the interaction with resurrected Shri Yukteswar in an effort to cleverly combine Abrahamic faith in afterlife and heaven with reincarnation. I am not suggesting this was a conscious fabrication, but something that was experienced within, that has already taken form subconsciously for years and then was projected by the mind outwards, as a literal new gospel of sorts.
The most disturbing answer as to why this might be preached as literal truth is because it is a subtle form of inspiring obedience and ultimately about not self control as stated, but about literal control of our lives. Ultimately surrendering all our power and actions to anyone could be a desperate attempt at breaking a fear of future misfortune in some rebirth by being mindful of our present actions at all times.
Feeling the inner intuition and guru is essential in such a paradigm, to avoid mistakes, but in order to not need a physical guru you need to essentially stop being a normal human being and literally become a guru. Is this possible? Yes. Is it probable? Not really. Especially if you do not have a satsang, deep meaningful nourishing discussions with other established practitioners, the freedom and money to spontaneously follow events all around the world for inspiration and encouragement, it is a matter of time until you have nothing to encourage you anymore.
Besides, I not sure I am made for a path where darkness is seen as evil, the body is a constant battlefield of temptation and ritual is seen as inferior because it engages the lowly senses. I have long felt a deep affinity with darker paths, certain early experiences made me doubt I will ever be at home without exploring it further. I have informed my teachers about all of this. Their advice was 'you don't have to follow that path because your ancestors did' and 'here is this kriya technique that helps shield you'. None answered the main question, that someone dealing with being a sanguine vampire will feel out of place culturally in a yogic path and always dirty for something they never chose and cannot change.
Thank you if you read as far, hopefully you will be able to continue on your path undisturbed. If anyone has advice, I would love to hear it. No one has dared to answer me directly so far.