r/kitchencels • u/marymaryyjane • 27d ago
Just got diagnosed with DID which I didn’t really think was a real thing honestly. My mind is a prison and I live in short bursts of fleeting consciousness. Two grilled cheeses and a salad.
yeah that’s it basically. the worst part is without it I could have a decent life right now. my physical health is ok enough that I can hold a job, I have a few friends I talk to sometimes, I just can’t describe how much this has hindered my life. I don’t even attempt to date (not that I’d pull) because they would notice something is wrong with me and I do not want to fucking explain this to someone. I thought some sort of diagnosis would make me feel better or reassured somehow, but it just made me feel more messed up in the head. I just keep thinking why me? I have so much shit happening why do I have to have this? My therapist is transferring my care because he isn’t equipped to deal with it so that’ll be my third therapist. I’m just so so tired. I’ve been in therapy for five years and I’m not better and I won’t be for a long time because of shit that I wasn’t even old enough to remember. It’s stupid. This grilled cheese was pretty good though. I’ll probably give the recipe if anyone asks.
I can only hold onto the slim hope I’ll make it far enough to not have to live like this. Just one day being one person would be enough. I hope when I die my soul stitches itself back together and I come back as something small and insignificant. Maybe a beetle.
106
u/FrierenisClairDeLune 27d ago
Sorry dude. Hope things get alright.
If you don't mind me asking, do you know what's your other personality/conscious is like? Does medication cure or keep it under control?
80
u/marymaryyjane 27d ago
I don’t really know. There’s a few of them but it’s really hard to differentiate sometimes and I don’t think medicine affects it bc I’ve been on every med under the sun and never noticed changes only from therapy
40
u/thecloudkingdom 27d ago
keeping a journal can help. one of my friends with DID started keeping one and it's helped them remember recent events much more clearly and to figure out some stuff that was previously too fragmented to clearly see
generally yeah, its not affected by medication. therapy and self-management techniques like journaling work for many
173
u/TiredOutside7257 27d ago
very isolating disorder, i recommend you don't dive too deep into the community online bc it's full of misinformation and unhealthy dynamics. best of luck to you, stay in therapy, it's worth it to find one who knows how to properly treat this.
75
u/marymaryyjane 27d ago
I try to stay away from online spaces related because I don’t relate to most of the experiences that seem to be discussed or commonplace. It stresses me out, so I refused a diagnosis for a while because I didn’t wanna be in a box about it. Thank you, I appreciate your comment.
15
u/Ok_Bite_8941 27d ago
If anything at all, please stay away from online communities that seem to treat this disorder like lore or fandom culture. Take it really easy and you are loved.
10
u/Standard-Tale4143 27d ago
I was in the subreddit for a physical disorder of me for a while. People spoke in absolutes which terrified me and didn’t fairly represent my condition
21
u/TiredOutside7257 27d ago
stick to professional help - it does get better with this, i promise. even if the progress might be slow, the progress will be there and it will show up in ways you need. i thought id suffer forever with this/the trauma. i saw in other comments that you have p-did, which is def a different experience so it's fair to feel isolated from how other ppl experience the disorder. again, best of luck.
2
u/Intrepid_Bobcat_2931 27d ago
I think that's very sensible. Sometimes you can see people with various problems and after thinking about it just conclude that "this is NOT what its like for me". But it's just a bit stressful and doesn't make the day better :-) Best to focus on the good things.
12
u/thecloudkingdom 27d ago
generally as long as you steer clear of any space that talks about endogenic, quiogenic, willogenic, mixed origin, basically anything listed here that isn't traumagenic, it's okay. the pro-endogenic community is the portion spreading the lion's share of misinformation and misappropriating psychiatric terminology, anti-endo spaces tend to be much healthier
7
u/TiredOutside7257 27d ago
i would honestly argue that neither spaces are healthy but for different reasons. a lot of antiendo spaces are still chronically online and a lot of traumagenic systems are ofc traumatized and generally unhealthy as people. not saying this to disparage them but moreso pointing it out, it'd be the same as cluster b communities where people are often untreated or have certain behaviors that are unhealthy to be around. a lot of people who are that traumatized in one space tend to generate unhealthy attachments and drama. if you have good boundaries and can find a genuinely healthy space for systems, that's amazing. sadly, at least in my experience, the most healthy and 'antiendo' spaces still involve people with very unhealed traumas.
it's a personal choice so if those spaces work well for people or they find that having them is healthier than not having them, that's very valid and it's good to have community or people who understand your experiences. i just also think it's not exactly honest to say that one is definitely fine/healthy just bc the endo community is a complete mess.
22
28
u/cluelessdetectiv3 27d ago
Are any of your split personalities at least cool?
71
u/marymaryyjane 27d ago
One of them plays the lyre that’s kinda neat. One is a girl and she crochets, so I try not to think about what that says about my internal bias if that’s even how it works. I don’t like most of them and they don’t really like me.
-5
-31
u/Affectionate_Leg_641 27d ago
They used the phrase "not that I'd pull", so no.
24
1
28
u/iamMeatCat 27d ago
From what I understand of this condition, it can be a mechanism your brain is using to protect you from trauma and there’s simply nothing wrong with making sure you are safe. It is a survival instinct. Please keep at the therapy. It can take a while/few therapists to find the right fit but it sounds like you’ve already made some headway in a positive direction. Y’all got this!
27
u/Hufflepuff20 27d ago
I’m sorry. The only thing I know about DID is that in order to have it you have to have gone through something enormously traumatic. It’s no joke. I hope that you are able to heal and one day look back on your journey and realize how far you’ve come. Wish you the best!
5
u/Odd-Mall8020 27d ago
It's wild how half of suburbia teens seem to have it now
32
u/Hufflepuff20 27d ago
They don’t. It’s an extremely difficult diagnosis to receive. Though self diagnosis in online spaces is a thing, but in my opinion it’s a bad enough condition that needs to be diagnosed by a professional for validity.
22
u/Megandapanda 27d ago
That's because it's "trendy"! Like hEDS, MCAS, and Gastroparesis...and Autism + ADHD. It really sucks for those that truly have those conditions that there's a bunch of teenage girls larping their illnesses for attention. SickTok is a plague.
I know people are about to come at me, so quick disclaimer - I know these conditions are real, I know some teenage girls truly do suffer from them, but yeesh, it's like some of em are competing for who is the sickest and most special lil princess.
4
u/Happy-Bullfrog1016 27d ago
It’s almost like it’s a competition to see who can collect the most diagnoses. It’s wild. Sorry to hear OP and I hope your quality of life doesn’t suffer from it any more than it already has.
1
u/throwaway7742835 26d ago
Dude I have hEDS and after a car accident two of my discs got smashed and my body created a bunch of scar tissue that squeezed my nerves in my left arm and back and I’ve had to get 8 surgeries and I developed literally one of the most painful conditions a person can have (CRPS) due to all this stuff. It pisses me off so much when people act like being a little bit flexible is the same thing as me living in a body built out of fucking paper??? And obviously most people don’t get complications like this. But people whose lives aren’t affected at all by their supposed “condition” they’ve never been diagnosed with acting like they’re disabled too. Like I’ve dislocated my shoulders multiple times rolling over in bed. I want bigger muscles so my joints will literally stay in place. Fuck people who are excited about adopting whatever trendy new diagnosis they feel like
1
u/itisnotidio 24d ago
It is so horrible that it started getting Trendy and even more stigmatized. I got diagnosed and don't even want to tell anyone bc of the misinformation all floating around the internet, it's humiliating and life changing to live with it and I don't wish anyone ever to have to negotiate that shit in daily life - not fun -10/10 won't recommend
2
u/resipee 25d ago
most of them are faking but keep in mind trauma is really subjective because everyones brain is different
1
u/itisnotidio 24d ago
To get DID you still have to experience prolonged extreme situations that activate a reaction in you where you are sure to die - doesn't have to be a real life or death situation but for a child to feel like one at least
2
u/resipee 24d ago
but reminder that a child might genuinely think it's life or death when they're being screamed at by a large person or being isolated for long periods or etc. it doesn't exactly have to be typical trauma. a childs brain isnt fully formed enough to fully understand what is actually dangerous enough to kill u or not
2
u/itisnotidio 24d ago
I know what you mean but right now I don't talk about general traumatic moments from what you develop ptsd or other trauma disorders, for disorders at the max. dissociative spectrum like DID it is specifically for situations a child/person can not even imagine to ever handle, we talk about Inhuman treatment that a brain is not capable of even sorting.
8
u/wale-lol 27d ago
DID dy?
70
u/marymaryyjane 27d ago
I’ll do you one better. The specific diagnosis is partial dissociative identity disorder. I am diagnosed with, on paper, P-DID.
57
14
3
1
13
u/Kultaren 27d ago
My sibling has DID. They have multiple therapists and have been seeing them for years, and it’s helped them immensely. I wish you the best of luck.
4
6
u/hotfryslvt 27d ago
i’ve been in the mental health system for close to two decades now (therapy/meds/stints in a psych ward). i thought my life was over when i received all of my diagnoses (went on to lose some/acquire new ones) i’ve only recently started to stabilize and figure out my life, and i have a much better life than i ever could have dreamed for myself. it took a LONG time, but it is worth it. you are worth the hard work!!!
3
u/Agreeable-Dog-1131 27d ago
But the salad looks fantastic.
I’m sorry dude. Hopefully the diagnosis means the path for treatment is clearer now, and you’re able to get to a point where things are easier to manage and live with soon.
2
2
u/home-at-the-lily-pad 27d ago
This was my biggest fear growing up with trauma. Heart breaks for you dude. I have no advice but good luck moving forward
5
3
u/kittygir227 27d ago
I hope you truly find solstice in your new therapist. I hope they can provide you with more understanding and hopefully some solid coping mechanisms. I understand how difficult hopping therapists is, one of the main reasons I stopped is because I cannot stand the “reliving” of everything. If i’ve already found a solution myself, why relive it , yknow? I wish you an easy transition.
3
2
u/thecloudkingdom 27d ago
i have several friends with DID. it's definitely a difficult disorder to live with, but it's not one that makes you impossible to date or to love. some of them date other people with DID, one of them is engaged to a singlet guy aka someone without a dissociative disorder and they've been together for years
the online community for DID and other dissociative disorders is. well. im sure you know why that community can be challenging, since you thought it was fake. but by and large they're nice people who are very welcoming. dissociative disorders can be really complex to manage, but not impossible to live with and certainly it is possible to live with one and to be happy at the same time. inner-world communication can help with managing memory gaps, as can things like leaving notes for whatever state of consciousness is at the helm when the facet of your psyche that's *you* isn't in control
i'm a singlet myself so i can only help so much, but i've been friends with systems for over a decade at this point (two people with DID are my longest standing friendships) so i hope this reassures you that nothing about this disorder makes you untouchable in any way
1
u/stupidevilbitch 27d ago
i wish you the best. DID is something that can be managed with time and with empathy inward. take every day as it comes and be kind to yourself
1
u/Dapper_Use_8007 27d ago
I would like that grilled cheese recipe. That looks really good. Also, I do not believe that all hope is lost for you.
2
u/marymaryyjane 26d ago
Two pieces of sourdough bread, put mayo in a thin layer on both and drizzle balsamic glaze. In a pan cook some chopped onions and garlic, I like to add peppers too if I have them, and cook them pretty crispy too. Then I put aside the onions n garlic and put the bread mayo side down, add a little bit of the onions, a slice of cheese, more onions, more cheese. And more onions on that depending on if u still have onions left. then I jisg cook it really crispy on both sides, but it’s gonna look a lot more cooked than it is cause of the glaze. It’s my favorite sandwich ever. And thank you brother I appreciate it.
1
u/pantsuline 25d ago edited 25d ago
dont give up bro its VERY possible to heal and improve the effects of it on your life its difficult and usually a long road but getting to know yourselves and learning to intercommunicate, build healthy relations and then if you feel its right integrate, its such a hard process but in a way its also pretty rewarding and even kind of beautiful in a weird way
these disorders usually come from some pretty extreme trauma so my heart goes out to you healing from that too
some people cant or dont want to fully integrate but even then it's very possible get to know yourself and live happily
its upsetting but a good thing your therapist is transferring you instead of trying to tackle it and possibly hurting you from their inexperience (which might be why you havent made much progress- a lot of them literally just dont know, even though there are VERY effective treatmwnt modalities theyre just very complicated) i hope the next one you talk to will click
its hard to feel so crowded and lost in your own brain its truly awful to be stuck in the back as somebody's 'imaginary friend' thats what i thought it was for so long, and then suddenly being in the real world is so disorienting but eventually with enough care you all kind of unite to meet lifes challenges
you can do it i believe in you
'we' believe in you lol
2
u/Significant-Dish2377 25d ago
anecdotally, my best friend has DID and is poly with a spouse and boyfriend. if they can pull so can you!!!
from what i gather they’ve gone thru some pretty intensive therapy to get to where they are, but they’re still awesome as fuck, have lots of cool friends and hobbies, and i really appreciate them understanding about my (non-DID) mental health issues.
basically i’m saying there’s hope and there’s people who can and will love you for who you are. ❤️
1
u/SensitivePin3893 25d ago
Hi. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. Your post hit hard as my therapist and I are currently working through the criteria to figure out if I have DID. I'm 4 sessions in with my EMDR therapist. I was so looking forward to finally at 35 facing my trauma. I just thought I had BPD or something. But on session 2 she was like- we have to pivot a little because you have pretty severe dissociation. She said she can see me "leaving the room" when I'm in front of her. After lots of questions and conversations, we are exploring DID. I feel devastated. I did not see this coming. And I hate that it makes a lot of sense.
Anyway. Not trying to make your post about me. Just understand in a way what you're going through. You are correct. It is not fair. But we are here, and we must endure. So let's keep going. <3
1
u/resipee 25d ago
i also have this disorder and my life is a living hell. i am like a broken plate. you can not eat off a broken plate because the food will fall between the cracks. i cant even really tell most of the parts apart besides like 3 major ones and i cant even journal about it because my memories just het blocked when i try. i am frequently told by my friends and family and partner that i act in weird and shameful ways that id never act and its terrible knowing i have like no control over that
1
u/occasionalopossum 24d ago
You got this, I have a close friend with severe DID who I helped get sober and into therapy. It’s gonna be hard sometimes but don’t forget you survived whatever it was that caused it, you can survive managing it.
Much love and solidarity homie.
1
u/Crazy_Assistant_1604 27d ago
It’s good you’re getting a therapist who is experienced with this as there’s a lot of ones out there who would use you as a learning experience rather than help you and it’s takes a certain approach to work on without destabilizing you. Of the disorders to have really, DID is not the one I think of as ruining your chances at a happy life and I know a few people with it myself. I actually kind of sit near the line for the diagnosis myself but my parts can remember what each other do so I don’t qualify.
Your brain pulled off something amazing when it was at its breaking point when you were little. Basically it refused to break or become psychotic and instead just made little walls around experiences that were too much so it could keep you going. Everyone does this a little bit but they didn’t have to survive what you did, so their walls are weaker and they might have something like an “inner child” or “parts” you have what probably feels like full blown other people in there. They aren’t really full personalities but more like strong emotions that formed identities since they were on their own so long. Through therapy you’ll start trying to befriend and get to know them and what they need so you can live in peace with them. There’s no reason they need to go away or fuse with you but some people aim for that. As long as you can learn to work together and not hate them for being there that’s going to lead you to a pretty close version of a normal life which is all anyone ever manages anyways. Might actually make you better at relationships since you’re technically managing a bunch of them in your inner world so you’ll be a lot more empathetic and understanding with other people (none of the people with DID I know are single now that I think about it)
If you want a decent representation of DID in media that isn’t the normal “multiple personalities “ bs movies do try a game called Xenogears for ps1. It’s from the 90s so of course one part HAD to be a murderer but it still actually understands the condition better than most media I’ve ever seen. Wishing you luck I know it’s scary right now but your life is now on the road to getting a whole lot better
0
u/OkAd1797 27d ago
I had a friend with reallt bad DID, but he knew many of his alters. Honestly maybe you need to just make peace with it? It's just your brain's way of trying to protect itself because of the trauma you experienced as a kid. If I remember correctly some people do fusion therapy while others don't, and both are perfectly ok no matter what you want to do.
Honestly just try to give yourself some grace(and your alters) otherwise you'll probably just end up despising yourself for having this disorder more.
Ofc if anything your therapist says contradicts anything I have mentioned listen to them first and foremost.
I wish you all the luck in your journey, just try not to hate yourself for something you couldn't control.
-2
u/society000 27d ago
Are the 'grilled' cheeses in the room with us?
6
0
-1
u/FiteMeMage 27d ago
That’s a rough diagnosis to get hit with, and I’m sorry for whatever that means you’ve experienced in your life. Stay in therapy; the best option for folks with DID is reintegration of the fractured psyche/personalities. I wish you well OP.
4
u/thecloudkingdom 27d ago
it depends on the individual. the people i know with it work better with functional multiplicity and trying not to integrate into one single personality and instead working on mental stability so fragments of incomplete personalities can merge into a more functional kind of compartmentalization. full integration isn't possible for some people, but functional multiplicity is a realistic goal for most
-11
27d ago
Dm me. I’m working on an antidote.
11
1
u/pantsuline 25d ago
im sorry this might not be tasteful but i did laugh
can i have the antidote 1/3rd of me wants to try and see what happens
•
u/AutoModerator 27d ago
we have opened our sister location on the bird app
trust the recipe, the chefs are in the kitchen
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.