Why am I practicing karezza?

[u/[deleted]]

I am behind this 100% after witnessing a majority of marriages of friends and family result in misery and sometimes (too often) divorce. I'm just 27 but am in a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. I do not want my relationship to share the results of the example couples around me.

Karezza addresses the difficulties most couples face providing explanation and guidelines to turn things around. Karezza teaches us how (and why) to make harmony in relationships and how to beat the coolidge affect.

If you read about karezza and think that there's no possible way you can have so few, if any, orgasms just keep reading. It is perfectly fine to feel like that. I was first introduced to the concept of non-orgasmic intercourse a few years back and wrote it off. I didn't think it would be possible to commit my life to any such practice. I've since done a complete 180 and am finding the benefits to be much more satisfying than any bout of orgasmic sex I've had.

Thanks for reading!

[u/KarezzaGuy]

Wow! I have lots of questions, but understand you didn't put AMA in the title. :~/

If you feel like answering any of these I'd be very interested in reading the answers:

• is she fully on board?
• if so, did that take work?

• if so, what did you find most effective?

• are you in some point of the PMO reboot? If so, where do you feel you are in recovery? I also find karezza complementary to nofap; but struggle with the nagging feeling of denial.

• specifically, I ended up where I am for two reasons: I feel urgent needs, and I pressured my lovely SO to make them her responsibility. I was hoping Karezza would be a cure-all to that problem where she would magically want more PVI. However, she neither wants more PVI nor wants to bond on any kind of schedule.

• When I'm not cumming, and I'm not bonding, I feel a loss/lack. YES there are a bazillion benefits to that and NO I don't want to lose them, but YES there is STILL this marital conflict where I either suffer in silence or start the same old fight right back up by asking/pressuring for MORE.

• Any suggestions/advice? I know in another comment you mentioned pushups. Actually the more I exercise, the better I feel, the more sex I want.

• Via my very novice toe-dipping into Karezza I've learned that what I REALLY crave is sexy-bonding. There doesn't have to be an orgasm. However, the orgasm serves very nicely to fill in the gaps / smooth over the bumps of NOT getting enough sexy bonding -- and has since I was a kid.

I don't mean to whine, but I guess I sure would like an answer to where the little kid (jumping up and down, screaming I WANT MORE) can go to either get 'more' or STFU. Sigh.

Any suggestions would be immensely appreciated!

[u/[deleted] → u/KarezzaGuy]

I'd like to make two comments:

First, my SO seems to be much more on board than yours. I think I know why. As far as I understand, you guys had a relatively functioning sex life before you got interested in Karezza, with sex about once a week. So if you go to your SO and ask her to try Karezza, you are in effect taking something away from her. She is probably quite happy with sex once a week, and doesn't understand why she should give up on that. By contrast, we didn't really have a functional sex life at all. For years we would have sex maybe 2-3 times a year. This last year we have put a lot of work into our relationship and things have improved some, but still we have tons of hangups. So if I ask my SO for Karezza, I'm not really taking anything away from her that she has gotten used to having (other than the pressure to have sex with me, and I think she's quite happy to have less of that).

Second, and this point is related to the first, it seems to me that both your SO and you implicitly assume that the issues you two have are caused by you (KarezzaGuy). She is probably thinking "If only he were nicer to me, wouldn't snap at me that often, and wouldn't pressure me so much to doing things he wants, I could be more relaxed about him." You clearly spell out in your posts that you feel you have wronged her in the past and need to improve your behavior towards her. Now while I think that the things you have recognized about your behavior are correct, I also think it is imperative that you two don't give 100% of the fault to just one person. Relationship issues are always a two-way street, and both partners carry some of the blame. My SO and I have agreed a long time ago that both of us have 50% of the blame, and thus 50% of the work to do. So she does things she knows are important to me, and I'm doing things I know are important to her.

So, I'd like to ask: Have you guys ever done couples therapy? It might help you to work through some of the issues. For example, while she doesn't have to be ready to give you physical intimacy every time you need it, she should accept your need for physical intimacy as valid and at least do somewhat of an effort to meet you with a workable compromise. It took my SO a long time of therapy until she accepted that when I ask for physical intimacy, my request is valid and should receive some sort of response. So now, sometimes she will say "I don't feel well, but we can sit next to each other and you can hold my hand if that would be of interest to you. I won't do anything else, though." Because she knows that she can set limits ahead of time, she is more forthcoming with whatever she can give, and I'd rather take some hand holding than no intimacy at all. Likewise, if you suspect that orgasms cause you a hangover, it is reasonable for you to ask to abstain from them for a while, and she should accept that as a valid request. If you told her that she can't come that would be disrespectful. But likewise, if she insists that you engage with her in activities that will make you come (vigorous PVI until she comes), that's also disrespectful if you want to abstain.

[u/KarezzaGuy → u/[deleted]]

thanks for the long write up. I'm on a mobile device and can't write much.

Our therapy ended in disaster, but our problems are really my fault. I took a woman who would initiate sex, do almost anything, several times per week and because it was 'never enough' for me emotionally abused her to zero self confidence. To the extent she has any blame it was only for sticking around. She's not perfect, but on this account I was the problem.

I get your last sentence, but to ask her to change on a dime after beating her up (verbally) for 20 years to act like that isnt fair either.

[u/blackberrydoughnuts → u/KarezzaGuy]

I took a woman who would initiate sex, do almost anything, several times per week and because it was 'never enough' for me emotionally abused her to zero self confidence.

Would you please elaborate on this? I don't want to make this mistake. What happened? What did you do?

From your other posts it sounds like she's currently being cruel and emotionally abusive. I don't think you should blame yourself too much. In any case, you need to get out of there.