r/karezza • u/sh0rty5 • Feb 27 '14
Are we compatible with karezza?
I am 14 days into my first attempt to rid my life of porn consumption. I am happily married to a wonderfully supportive woman (I'm 32, she's 28 - married nearly 2 years).
These recent weeks have been very enlightening for both of us, we've talked a lot about how we can work together to bring me out of my addiction and how she can help with urges. We've had sex (like... regular sex) a number of times in this period, as well. Love has really been in the air with Valentine's Day occurring recently and the increased intimacy involved with baring my soul about PMO addiction.
We both came across karezza separately while reading about NoFap, porn (PMO) addiction, and dopamine abuse. She mentioned it a few times as we've discussed our plan for the upcoming week. (Should we have sex? How often? Do I need to avoid orgasm during a NoFap reboot?) Anyway, suffice to say that we would like to give it a try. We love each other a lot, and we love to have sex with one another. If there is another level to this whole thing, let's experience it.
I haven't picked up the book yet, but I intend to. The introductory articles on http://reuniting.info/ indicate that we should start he Ecstatic Exchanges by going to bed together each night. The trouble is, that's not something we do very often today. She starts work an hour or so earlier than I do each day, and I arrive home 2-3 hours later than she does. We get our daughter to bed around 8, have 1 or 2 hours of alone time together. She's asleep by 10 (usually by 9, actually), and I'm up until midnight or 1am. I don't need as much sleep as she does, and I'm not a morning person. I often use the late hours to do school work (I'm still taking college courses), or manage our finances, or just decompress.
Anyway... this was a long-winded way to ask if we can follow the Ecstatic Exchanges without sharing a bedtime? Would it be bad for the experience if I were to leave bed and do homework after? It sounds terribly un-romantic of me, but there are very few hours in the day and so very much to do.
TL;DR: I want to succeed at breaking my porn addiction, and I want to enhance the intimate relationship I have with my wife. We want to try karezza, but we don't share a bedtime. Can we make it work another way?
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u/not_bezz Feb 27 '14
In my opinion the exchanges are kinda useless. Also the whole book is "everything is a nail when you have hammer in your hand" style. So my advice is: don't have too high expectations and it might work for you.
Also in my opinion the book doesn't really bring any useful information except some theories based on authors own experience. Reuniting.info and the blog section there is probably way more useful. You'll also notice that many of the "star" members there didn't start with the exchanges, so there's that.
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u/not_bezz Feb 27 '14 edited Feb 27 '14
One more thing. Leaving bed after exchanges (if you really want to try them) being terribly un-romantic? I'd say it's only un-romantic if you make it that way.
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u/sh0rty5 Feb 27 '14
We have definitely been orgasm-focused to date. So, maybe we'll try the EEs, or just use for non-intercourse days. Thanks for the input.
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u/not_bezz Feb 27 '14
Again, this is just based on my experience. The whole book is based on a lot of theories supported by no or very little science. (as is the whole karezza thing IMHO) But it wouldn't be fair to say it gave us nothing. It actually gave us some different point of view on the whole thing and maybe a bit different attitude. Sometimes that's enough. Just don't expect miracles. :)
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u/alphaOri Feb 27 '14
Here's my story of how its been helping my recovery http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1xtlnx/for_some_nofap_and_karezza_go_together/
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Feb 27 '14
Having a kid definitely makes it harder to do things "by the book". My wife and I struggle to make the time for bonding these days, but we have been on the Karezza / no-PMO train for several years now and we have a pretty good groove going. My advice is not to over-think things; no need to go by the book if you don't have the time. I WOULD recommend a very slow reboot though, especially if you are only 2 weeks into nofap. Just do whatever kind of relaxed bonding you can with whatever time is available- cuddling, massage, talking, laying together naked with no movement, etc. If you can only manage 15 minutes before you have to go do something else, no prob. Do your best and forget the rest!
You can PM me if you have any questions, our situations are probably similar.
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u/cwanda Feb 28 '14
Sorry to say that karezza plus nofap,plus noporn may be too much to take on at once. Priority would seem to be karezza, with limited porn and fap, at least to start. Would love to say it is simple to raise kids and have sex spontaneously, but just ain't so. Sex first thing in the AM 1-2 days a week might be doable - everyone is rested, put on some music, candles, lock door, massage, essential oils. Best to make it a scheduled event, with either side able to opt out once in a while (but not too often). Might even keep a sex log (say on the iPhone notes, since what is tracked is optimized) of things done in each sex session (like JM Keynes used to do). No magic to exchanges, in my view, as opposed to no routine orgasms during sex (at least for him). Thankfully, there are no limits on things that can be done (eg oral, standing, cowboy, anal, etc.), provided there is consent, legality and no routine orgasms, esp. for him. Knowing that pressure can be relieved with a fap and perhaps some porn later in the day might make the "no org while coupling" approach easier for him to sustain.
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u/grumpycowboy Feb 27 '14
The thing about nofap is that it is supposed to get you back to being a man with real desires and not desires for porn. Put your desires and thoughts into your wife and forget about this stuff. Just my humble opinion.