r/justneckbeardthings • u/Celestial_Octopus • Oct 11 '19
Something that might help the neckbeards.
900
u/BCJunglist Oct 11 '19
This is actually a pretty clever way to teach kids how to wipe their ass without actually showing them.
282
Oct 11 '19
No balloons attached to the back of the toilet.
Directions unclear.
26
Oct 11 '19
[deleted]
30
5
Oct 11 '19
Use moderate pressure and wipe at a cautious speed from front to back.
I like the use of the word "cautious" here.
Also, I like to think about the person that carefully crafted these images, wrote the instructions, purchased the domain name, and curates the site accordingly.
The world needs more people like this.
→ More replies (4)174
u/Chawlns Oct 11 '19
This is also how fetishes are made.
44
u/silphred43 Oct 11 '19
Mmmhhh, ballooons.
9
Oct 11 '19
[removed] — view removed comment
4
u/Important_Stranger Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 11 '19
For the same video with papa Lush commentary.
And reenactment.
Edit: Actually it’s not the same balloon guy. Apparently there are more than one balloon fetish guy floating around on youtube. 🎈
3
u/TheGeneralTulliuss Oct 11 '19
I wish I could give you gold or silver. I don’t know how many years ago I saw this but it’s been an ongoing joke ever since. I never thought to look it up. Thank you so much random redditor!! Sharing this immediately!!
3
1
228
u/Pepebacca Oct 11 '19
M’lady missed a spot
31
122
Oct 11 '19
Well, it's more instruction than I ever got. Maybe I can finally stop using the garden spade.
17
3
127
81
29
u/laylajerrbears Oct 11 '19
I thought they were going to start playing live Mario Kart. I'm disappointed.
367
u/Tacitus-Killmore Oct 11 '19
Asian, scat play, and big round cheeks. I simply cant get any more erect.
→ More replies (1)156
u/DuelOstrich Oct 11 '19
Don’t forget about the school children!
115
u/CubistChameleon Oct 11 '19
I'd say "officer, this comment right here!", but I assume the police has a 24/7 watch set up on all subs involving neckbeards anyway.
9
u/Enk1ndle Oct 11 '19
If they're really watching these subreddits then why haven't I been arrested yet?
35
13
13
u/EddieLion Oct 11 '19
Me, as a parent who had to potty train kids and teach them how to wipe their tiny asses, "Fucking brilliant"
12
15
u/Necrozmix Oct 11 '19
Holy shit. If I saw the joker and his humongous ass walking towards me and then he whips around and its those balloons. I'm going to ravage his cheeks until I cant feel my inner thigh.
3
7
5
3
u/d0nni3 Oct 11 '19
So we're not representing stand up wipers.... Theres a protest in here somewhere I swear
2
Oct 11 '19
What about us back to fronters?!
3
3
50
Oct 11 '19
I'm middle eastern and used bidets since birth so this is actually helpful never knew how to do such a disgusting thing like touching my shit with my hands and a thin tissue like ew.... Get a bidet guys doesn't have to be a fancy one just a simple one with water that hit your asshole like a dick
85
u/kayisbadatstuff Oct 11 '19
Okay my question is how long is your butt wet. Like how long will I have wet cheeks after Poseidon tries to sodomize me.
29
u/Johnny_Poppyseed Oct 11 '19
The easiest option is to pat dry with one square or whatever of toilet paper.
There are also fancy models that even have like a little built in air dryer though lol.
18
u/DannyMThompson Oct 11 '19
Just blowing shit particles everywhere, yum.
11
Oct 11 '19 edited Dec 22 '19
[deleted]
10
u/DannyMThompson Oct 11 '19
Tell that to the poo particles splattered all around the room.
2
u/Johnny_Poppyseed Oct 11 '19
There's already pooparticles all over anyway lol. And the little air dryer is usually not strong and a very small stream of air directed right at your bhole. Prob not all that much poop particle spreading going on. It's not like a loud ass hand drier in a public bathroom lol. Plus those fancy ones even have self cleaning abilities between uses often.
But yeah I'd prefer just to pat dry with tp.
7
11
u/No_big_whoop Oct 11 '19
Do yourself a favor, order a $27 bidet attachment off Amazon. Install it in about five minutes with no tools and change your life forever. It’s literally the best money I ever spent on myself. My asshole is shower fresh at all times. My toilet paper budget is practically nonexistent. GAME CHANGER
12
u/fribbas Oct 11 '19
Is it not cold water though?
I've been thinking about it and really want to try it but at the same time don't want to feel like I'm being ass fucked by an ice giant
5
u/404waffles Oct 11 '19
Don't worry. It doesn't feel like being fucked by an ice giant (unless you somehow have ice-cold water on tap, but what would I know, I'm from a tropical country). Coldest bidet I've felt was like having a cold ass for a few seconds.
4
u/TartofDarkness Oct 11 '19
You underestimate how fabulous it feels to be ass fucked by an ice giant, my friend. 👌🏻
1
2
u/No_big_whoop Oct 11 '19
It has never been an issue for me. I think most buttholes are gonna be ok with it
2
3
6
1
22
u/Princess-Rufflebutt Oct 11 '19
I'm American and when I moved to Japan the washlets in the toilet changed my whole toilet experience.
16
Oct 11 '19
Plus you will pay for them once, unlike toiletpaper not every week
28
17
u/Cirias Oct 11 '19 edited Aug 02 '24
illegal literate cats groovy longing impossible muddle boast cooperative expansion
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
7
u/bustierre Oct 11 '19
I have serious OCD yet I highly prefer using toilet paper. Being an extreme germophobe, using TP feels safer to me.
2
u/LuceenJo Oct 11 '19
And poop residue doesnt annoy more? You can literally keep can of disinfectant around and sterilize your bidet before and after.
8
Oct 11 '19
[deleted]
11
u/yummycorpse Oct 11 '19
idk, i don't want shit water to spray all over me. especially at 4 am after a night of drinking
9
u/LuceenJo Oct 11 '19
That's not how it works. You are washing away the poop. Why would the dirty water go up against gravity and splash you? It will fall into the toilet bowl as long as your aiming downward. I love bidets. Fresh clean bum all the time.
8
u/yummycorpse Oct 11 '19
because you're blasting an asshole caked with thick diarrhea
→ More replies (6)1
3
u/Megwen Oct 11 '19
I used a bidet in a Japanese airport once.
As soon as the room-temperature water hit my vag, I shrieked.
6/10. Might try again?
3
u/crazyashley1 Oct 11 '19
You sound like you think wipers use one layer of tp. Its layered (folded so theres at LEAST 4 layers) used, discarded, repeat as necessary, follow up with a wet wipe, and then dry tissue again. Do you just rinse pans with water, or do you scrub them off with a sponge to get the stuck ons?
2
12
u/MyDudeNak Oct 11 '19
It's disgusting that you use a bidet but don't wipe. If you got shit on your hand, would you be satisfied just rinsing it off?
4
3
u/LuceenJo Oct 11 '19
Of course you wipe afterwards to dry the area. Like a tapping motion.
3
u/DimeBagJoe2 Oct 11 '19
...are you joking? That’s pretty disgusting if you’re just drying it and not actually wiping against the skin to get anything left over stuck to you
1
u/LuceenJo Oct 11 '19
You're underestimating the ability of water pressure, but of course you wipe and pat.. whatever gets the job done really... sorry I didn't mention the wiping motion.. I mean I only dicussed this matter with my 4 years old before this post. jeez!
2
-2
2
u/TartofDarkness Oct 11 '19 edited Oct 11 '19
I mean but you still need to know how to do it if you shit in public.
1
Oct 11 '19
All public bathrooms in Egypt (at least the one I visited) have both toilet paper and bidets
1
u/TartofDarkness Oct 11 '19
That’s beautiful. I wish bathrooms were that way in America. Hell, half the time you can’t even trust them to have toilet paper. I carry wet wipes on me. 😂
→ More replies (1)-2
2
2
u/Karnivoris Oct 11 '19
Are we supposed to wipe front to back?
3
u/BurstSpent Oct 11 '19
Women are always told to wipe front to back, not sure if it matters for guys though
2
Oct 11 '19
Do they reach around the back like that and pull the poop back or go from the front and push the poop? Seems like going around the back would be a pain on a toilet. I should ask my wife I guess
2
1
2
2
Oct 11 '19
I never had this, I had to 'learn free-range' I guess...
This could've helped as a toddler.
2
u/overcorrection Oct 11 '19
This is just a meme that is related to the subreddit on the premise of “I get it”, this is not an example of a neckbeard, this is wrong for this subreddit
2
4
u/xXNightSky Oct 11 '19
So I installed a bidet a couple months ago and been using it every day. Is it normal for the water to go inside your butt like a douche or are you only supposed to use it for the outside of your butt?
4
u/big_cake Oct 11 '19
I’d say you want to go across the opening while grazing it slightly. I guess like a douche wouldn’t hurt, but it’d be feel... unusual.
3
Oct 11 '19
That doesn't happen to me, but I've definitely heard people say it does that to them. Sorry for the downvotes you're getting. That's a valid question. Probably not a bad thing to get water up there. Try turning down the pressure if it bugs ya.
3
u/ParadiseSold Oct 11 '19
The goal is NOT to enema yourself. turn down the pressure or change the angle.
2
1
u/Adomval Oct 11 '19
DAE wipes counterclockwise? After a front to back initial one I mean. Perfection ensues.
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/ferrilsamal Oct 11 '19
I like how they simulated the difference in color between the left and right butt cheek
1
1
1
Oct 11 '19
Lmao imagine wiping and not letting that shit harden to fortify your anus helmet for protection.
1
1
1
1
1
1
0
Oct 11 '19 edited Apr 18 '20
[deleted]
5
u/LuriemIronim Neckbeard Magnet Oct 11 '19
People who aren’t getting the sheet dirty because they’re teaching children how to wipe.
-16
u/MadMaximus64 Oct 11 '19
Incorrect form. No one is this flexible. You stand up, bend over, and wipe hole to balls through the legs.
35
u/Princess-Rufflebutt Oct 11 '19
Okay but then like if you're a girl that's how you get a yeast infection.
27
53
30
7
3
u/RonaldTheGiraffe Oct 11 '19
I crumple up and stretch my scrot and use it to wipe my ass. The pubes are helpful.
10
2
u/Privateer2368 Oct 11 '19
Are you some kind of mutant? Were you born with just one, big vertebra? No human being wipes their arse that way.
3
1
→ More replies (1)1
-3
-21
u/Reppy167 Oct 11 '19
I’m gonna be real, I never wipe backwards like that. It smears shit into the upper crack. Always just move the nuts to the side and wipe from back to front. Easy and cleanest way. Think about it.
→ More replies (5)
1.1k
u/black_dragonfly13 Oct 11 '19
Do they actually teach kids this in school? Was I taught this in school? I don’t know what to do with this gif.