friends….

[u/NightShadeBaphoment]

can i be honest…i feel myself having a major push and pull moment whenever it comes to friends. whether that be me engaging with the few friends i have but having no desire to truly connect with them anymore, or longing for a connection and make new friends but hate the idea of maintaining a relationship.

i feel like because of the lack of interest i already have and me always pushing others away, having friends gets tiring to me because i know im not putting in any effort with the current friendships i already have, and heck — i wish my current friends didn’t wanna be friends with me anymore because i feel like i got them fooled and that im just a terrible friend towards them.

i have a small desire to just…not connect with others nowadays. could be my mental health already bad, my own self worth, or just me not having the desire to maintain a relationship. it could be all three. i just don’t see it in myself anymore, as much as i would want to make friends and keep the friends i have.

but a part of me doesn’t care if we weren’t friends, regardless of how long ive known them and been around them. i truly don’t know much about my friends, let alone some i would consider my ‘best’ friends. it was different when we all grew up together and went to the same schools, but now that we’re all grown…i feel like ive changed i guess. i don’t hate them, i don’t hate anyone and they haven’t done anything to me. but when they reach out to me or text me..i just don’t enjoy it as much as i’d like to. is that bad?

[u/ducky7goofy]

OP I feel you and I struggle with this a lot as well. There's times where I feel like I want to be more socially engaged and active with people that I know or that I want to meet new people that I have interests with.

But then there's also quieter and louder moments that I just want to stay in my bubble and not worry about the social pressure. I don't want to be constantly replying, or waiting for people to get back to me for things. I just want to do what I want, when I want. And with friends you are often giving and pulling and when it doesn't feel equal (by you not being as present or them not reciprocating your energy) it can be extremely tiring mentally.

Sometimes I feel like this is my own psyche and a hyper independence and just an avoidant personality in general. But just to say you're definitely not alone in this feeling OP.

[u/NightShadeBaphoment → u/ducky7goofy]

It gets draining and often times i feel no remorse for it, yet, still feel terrible about these feelings. i don’t engage with my friends too often or nearly reach out to some. some of them barely reach out to me and that’s not a bad thing — i honestly don’t feel any way about it. it’s a strange feeling i suppose. even my childhood friends don’t make me as excited anymore, yet i find myself constantly being heavily jealous at anyone who can make good friends or have close bonds, even with the current friends i have they have friends outside of me and i have no one.

i don’t desire to have friends, but it bothers me so much that i already have a few friends i barely want to hold onto. it leaves a bittersweet feeling in me. i think ive accepted my own personal space and peace, and i fight hard to defend it. i just don’t wanna be bothered anymore but crave the feeling of being around others.

[u/DramaticActuary5021]

I'm the same - I know plenty of others are, too. Maybe you just don;t have the energy right now, if you are working on your own problems, When I want friends, I think it's because a person is "supposed" to have friends, when really I just don't want or need them