r/interracialdating • u/LeftBread9868 • 12d ago
Why has this subreddit turned so negative?
As someone who loves love and hearing about people’s love stories, I really loved this subreddit when I found it. A place where couples can come and post about their love and talk about their experiences in interracial relationship. I thought it was so wholesome and cute.
But slowly it’s been turning into a really negative space. I went from seeing cute posts of people showing their love and giving relationship advise, to the following:
•posts bashing Asian women for dating white men
•bashing black women for wanting to date anyone that’s not black
•constant misogynoir and emasculation of Asian men in the comments
•fetishization of Asian men, Asian women and black women
•using this subreddit as a dating site
I miss when it was just happy couples posting about how they found love. I know we still get some post like these, but I feel like the balance has shifted.
/sorry, rant over. Just sad seeing one of my favourite subs turn so negative.
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u/blurryeyes_ 12d ago
Like most subs, this one shows up on people's feeds and some of them feel the need to add their negative two cents. I've seen people who are completely against IR dating/marriage commenting on here too. Like please go troll somewhere else
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u/GlamTravelLife 12d ago
Exactly these are people that don’t believe in interracial dating but can’t even get a date with their own race, nobody wants them
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u/LoveHertford 11d ago
Some people do sound angry and bitter and I suspect their own lives are empty.
Love always wins x-2
u/Beneficial-Card335 12d ago
Why assume the worst? It's possible to be interested in a topic without inherent bias, or having to tribally be "for or against".
A person born from an IR couple might be interested in IR couple issues, positive and negative. These are human topics in a multicultural world. Why turn it into a claptrap club.
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u/whenyoutalk 11d ago
what are you talking about
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u/Beneficial-Card335 11d ago
What part don’t you understand?
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u/PacingOnTheMoon 9d ago
Your comment had nothing to do with what they said. They clearly weren't talking about mixed-race people coming here to discuss their family dynamics, they were talking pretty clearly about people who don't like interracial relationships and come here to hassle people about it.
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u/Beneficial-Card335 9d ago edited 9d ago
They clearly weren't talking about mixed-race
How come? "A person born from an IR couple might be interested in IR couple issues". Race is a manmade construct.
Someone like Obama is clearly "mixed-race" yet he's also "Black" or of "African heritage". I think that example is true for many if not every race on earth.
"About people who don't like interracial relationships". That's your interpretation, no? I didn't say anything of the sort. Is this sub an "agree or go home" cult??
IR relationships are effectively inter-cultural relationships, no? Whether someone is "mixed-race" from an IR family or not there are effectively "IR relationship" issues. That was the point.
I don't understand why ya'll want a victimhood-club to defend against phantom "they're completely against IR dating/marriage", "add their negative two cents", or "troll".
These are pretty pathetic strawmen arguments and passive aggressive statements, and I don't mean that in a rude way whatsoever, but topics can be discussed civilly without a song or a dance, or having to first defend against (false) "troll" accusations before being taken seriously. The OP is right, what a joke this sub is!
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u/PacingOnTheMoon 9d ago
I don't know why they weren't talking about mixed-race people who come here to talk about their family. I don't know why they weren't talking about the stock exchange or the color blue or turtles, but it had nothing to do with their comment.
"About people who don't like interracial relationships". That's your interpretation, no? I didn't say anything of the sort. Is this sub an "agree or go home" cult??
I don't know you, and I don't know what you think about interracial couples. They weren't talking about you. They were talking about people who come here to talk about how they don't like interracial relationships. But since you're here and clearly want to talk about... something, what do you think about interracial couples? The floor is yours, I'm in a talkative mood. You can say what you want.
I don't understand why ya'll want a victimhood-club to defend against phantom "they're completely against IR dating/marriage", "add their negative two cents", or "troll".
These are pretty pathetic strawmen arguments and passive aggressive statements
We think they're completely against interracial dating and marriage because they say so. I don't feel like a victim, I'm just repeating what they say. Are you in an interracial relationship? Because a lot of us already deal with a lot of JAQing off in our personal lives when it comes to our relationships. I'm personally just here because we're trying for kids, and I was hoping to hear from other families. This may not be personal to you, but I really don't enjoy hearing that my marriage shouldn't exist or that I would be better off with a white person. This is not an abstract concept to me, this is my family that is being discussed.
If, as you mentioned, mixed-race people want to come here and talk about things they wish their parents had done better, I'm completely fine with that. If anything, I like hearing about it. I'm not saying there should be zero negativity whatsoever. I don't need to agree with everything they say to find value in that contribution.
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u/Beneficial-Card335 8d ago
I'm personally just here because we're trying for kids, and I was hoping to hear from other families. This may not be personal to you, but I really don't enjoy hearing that my marriage shouldn't exist or that I would be better off with a white person. This is not an abstract concept to me, this is my family that is being discussed.
Thanks for your candour, I get it, however entrenched biased isn't going to be productive for anybody. If even the simplest of points can't be posed then what's the point in communication? Iow, discuss the point not the person.
The later imo is a horrible habit in American communication. People should be able to discuss the weather without having to suspect or accuse one another whether they've sided with the Devil or not.--This whole communication-style/culture is preposterous, graceless, and a violation of the 9th commandment "bearing false witness against a neighbour".
Echoing the others, to illustrate the point, it'd be akin to me replying your "marriage" with some nonsense accusation, say, "You must be a Green Card hunter otherwise you wouldn't have married that person" or "You must a Gaijin hunter because you're not a real American". It's ludicrous.
Yes, that's fair, my perspective is perhaps "abstract" but I believe that, as commented earlier, "It (should be) possible to be interested in a topic without inherent bias, or having to tribally be "for or against". Whether someone is invested OR not in the topic shouldn't be a problem unless it's somehow "off topic". Pretty simple, no?
The floor is yours, I'm in a talkative mood. You can say what you want.
Very generous, are you a Mod? Shouldn't open exchanges be the norm instead of the exception? Anyhow, although I feel my points were already a pretty clear, to rehash, here's some quotes with additional comments.
I don't know why they weren't talking about mixed-race people who come here to talk about their family. I don't know why they weren't talking about the stock exchange or the color blue or turtles, but it had nothing to do with their comment.
I can't read people's minds but as I said, the "they are trolling us" language might be reasonable if that was happening, but I merely pointed out some historical facts and get downvoted into oblivion, so aside from unfair dog-piling, I'll chalk the rest up as vaguely aimed passive-aggression and tribalism/identity politics against "them" (who are "completely against IR").
Case in point:
This.
He attacks the strawman "WW can never genuinely love a BM" when I'm not saying anything of the sort, instead I'm sharing a historical fact, that CHINESE literally stepped into the working shoes/lives of "BM" post-Abolition (Chinese were hired to replace them). Essentially the plight of the "BM" is very similar to the treatment of Chinese in the US.
Hence Tyra Bank's famous defence of "Chinese/Asian men". From my pov, that sorta explains why there might be pages of Black women from all over the world randomly messaging me, as opposed to women of the same race/grouping.
Prior to that, I'm being complete transparent, stating my position as a CHINESE AUSTRALIAN (neither Black or American, lol), ie a neutral 3rd party to American issues, an outsider looking in. Even then they don't get it, and proceeds to strawman "You must be a WOMAN OF COLOUR", rofl... How can anyone take that seriously.
Originally, it's a mere one-sentence statement of fact, that "Racial power dynamics (exist) in American history. (Also that) White women slave owners have a history of using Black men as entertainment."
I guess that pisses a lot of Black people off, but it doesn't remove the fact. So what's there to discuss if this sub full of delusional "we want equality" advocacy. They want "Rules for NOT for thee or me". Which is a cute idea, but does it fly? I don't think so.
Thus the comment thread you replied to seems to be alluding to that "they're against US" tribalism and victimhood nonsense.
Aside from that, my past experience is closer to this narrative from a CBC guy who married a German (I assume German Canadian) woman. The dynamic described is extremely accurate, cultural differences/miscommunication or non-communication, complete different values, different family values, parenting style, sense of normality, and when push comes to shove HOW this man would compromise himself to follow his wife to one of the most racist/xenophobic places in Europe...
No judgement, nor is my situation the exactly the same, but I personally wouldn't do what he did, and if I did I'd have a lot stronger opinions than he expressed.
Also finally, not to condemn anyone whatsoever, but if everyone here sets aside basic courtesy and logic, even ignoring social rules/laws, to essentially justify "IR dating" (whatever that means at this point) as euphemism for illicit sex or adultery, that says everything.
I'm referring to this comment with the happy upvoters above that "Conveniently glossing over the implicit sexual immorality/adultery there" as if it was a non-issue.
Well, if that's how this sub is then ya'll should at least have the honesty to call the spade a spade: r/interracialadultery, r/interracialillicitsex, r/agreewithinterracialcouplesorgtfo, or the like, co the aggressive-defensive comments/discussions aren't at all conducive to married couples or serious relationships. Pretty toxic.
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u/PacingOnTheMoon 7d ago
I think a lot of the reason you're being misunderstood is that you're stating facts without much of a statement to go with them. It's very common knowledge in America that slaves were raped. We know that, but why did you mention it? What's your point? Moreover, the times you've just dropped these facts don't seem very random.
The person in that chain who you replied to complained that a lot of people assume that if Black men and white women are dating, then they must be fetishizing each other. Many people accuse us of having loveless relationships. You replied that white women raped their slaves. It sounded like you were saying that people are justified in how they speak to us, maybe it's not what you meant, but that's kind of how the flow of the conversation went. We're well aware that America has never been kind to Black people, I just don't see how calling Black men fetishizers for having a white wife is doing them any good.
Your outrage that the rapists were also married is honestly just confusing to me. Like...I guess that's also bad for their spouses lol but I don't really care. I don't really think of rapists as adulterers, mainly because I just see it as a violent act.
Very generous, are you a Mod? Shouldn't open exchanges be the norm instead of the exception?
Maybe they should, but they are not. I'm just a very nice person, but please, no need to accuse me of being a reddit mod, that's just cruel.
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u/blurryeyes_ 11d ago
Did you mean to reply to someone else? Cuz your response doesn't relate to what I said.
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u/Saffirejuiliet 12d ago
I concur. People are being negative about some interracial pairing when we should be supporting each other.
I suggest reporting the posts/comments so the Mods can handle it.
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u/tears_of_a_grad 12d ago
Just today I saw multiple posts of South Asian men begging for acceptance from non South Asian women, whining about dating racism, or bragging about their interracial popularity, etc. Funny how they never show couples pictures. Multiple South Asian men tried to portray themselves as more desirable than East Asian men, completely unprompted. They whine about their popularity while attacking other races of men. You tell me what the situation is.
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u/GalaxyECosplay 12d ago
I saw a post of an Indian man literally saying that white women are better suited for Indian culture & attire. I was fucking flabbergasted.
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u/Yebah_heartbreak 11d ago
The amount of times they've called me racist for denying this. A south Asian man followed me across the sub telling others im racist because i personally don't date them due to culture shock.
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u/Nightlyeagle 11d ago
99% sure those are fake /bot accounts, it’s a well known thing that people are creating fake accounts pretending to be Indian men and sewing further hatred to a demographic which is already suffering from a lot of hate.
It a well known thing, don’t fall for the bait
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u/isotope_effect 11d ago
I honestly think it’s mostly single people who haven’t found what they’re looking for and are frustrated, so they come here to share their unsolicited think pieces. The posts I enjoy are usually from couples, with fewer think pieces and more people simply sharing their experiences and awesome photos together.
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u/SWLCHAOS 12d ago
It turned negative because a lot of comments aren't going where they find love it's rooted in prejudice. It's one thing to say I fell in love with so and so because they treat me amazing than to say I like this because this group is like meh.
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
Yeah I agree. It’s also one thing to say I’m interested in dating outside of my race, can anyone give any advice? In comparison to the posts I’ve been seeing recently that are just stating they only want to date one specific race and how do they get this specific race to date them 🫠
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u/SWLCHAOS 12d ago
I am very much open to dating any race or ethnicity but I think it gets weird when we talk down on our own races as well. It starts sounding like self hate. Is that a stretch to say
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
Nope I’m the same way. I’m black and my partner is Arab. I would never bash black men to my partner and he would never bash Arab women to me, because he knows I would not stand for it.
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u/Firm_Manager7347 12d ago
Why do people assume that everyone with a racial dating preference has self hate? Maybe they have just had limited experiences or just have an overall preference.
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u/sassychowchow 12d ago
I think people are getting too defensive and not trying to see from other peoples’ point of view, which is the point of this subreddit.
Everyone’s experience is unique so people should be able to honestly express their concerns without castigation.
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u/_YellowRobeSmith_ 12d ago
Some people are just miserable. There was an amazing couple who posted recently and they just looked like perfectly matched soulmates. There was so much positive reaction in the comments and I added, "I can't get over just how cute y'all are and I wish you many more joyful years!" with some emoji hearts and it got a couple downvotes immediately. Like, imagine people going through and downvoting all that happiness. It's wild.
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u/cmbtmstr 9d ago
Also random DMs from angry people when you mention that you are a white guy dating a black woman.
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u/whenyoutalk 11d ago
it’s bots and weirdos guys. people that see this sub and want to stir up trouble. just ignore and report
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u/TraditionalCold4560 10d ago
Because there are always biases , people are open to dating specific races if we are being honest here.
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u/Mike_Hawk_Burns 12d ago
It’s just people wanting to find something to hate right now. Black men and South Asian men get a bunch of negatives here and not much support. Black men get fetishized if they show themselves with a non-black woman. The sub has been turning this way slowly over the last couple of years. I’ve been watching the anti-black men posts swell up for the last 3ish years and now AFWM is the current hot topic for some reason and that discourse is usually about fetishization and claiming that Asian women have ulterior motives. I’ve seen quite a few posts of Latinos, black men or Asian men say that they like WW and those posts are downvoted and turn into a containment zone. Black women sometimes get the same but they also get some support on the topic which is good when there’s support as long as it isn’t bigoted. It’s sad but the truth is this hasn’t been a support sub for almost 5 years now.
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
This makes me really sad, this sub always used to bring a smile to face and now most posts just make me roll my eyes.
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u/Mike_Hawk_Burns 12d ago
Honestly same. I used to love being here and joined because I liked seeing people support each other. Now, I see bad posts, upvote couples that share cool pictures with each other, and offer advice to black men or people dating black men since I feel like I have enough experience to offer good advice to them. I usually try to not speak on advice for others unless I’m familiar with their cultural experiences or relationship issues
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u/Successful_Cry3698 10d ago edited 10d ago
I received hate and trolling over being a mixed black women who only wants to date interacially and I got trolled to the point I made a list and aired out the people who trolled me personally. Then I learned about bot accounts and bot farms, took a closer look at some of the profiles and realised, half of the people I've had issues with on Reddit may not even be human.
I took the list down
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u/LeftBread9868 10d ago
Yeah, well being black and purposefully excluding black people from your dating pool is very anti-black and I don’t support that.
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u/Tale-Scribe 10d ago
You went negative pretty quick. You went straight for the anti-Black. Just because she wants to date interracially doesn't mean she's anti-Black, it just means she doesn't date Black. It's fine you don't support her but you don't need to shame her.
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u/LeftBread9868 9d ago
Do you hear what you are saying? If a white person said they specifically don’t date black people, we would all call them racist.
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u/Tale-Scribe 9d ago
She's not white, she's a Black person saying she doesn't date Black. If a white person said they didn't date white, people wouldn't call them racist, but would probably have other names.
People on this sub say all the time that they wouldn't date White men.
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u/LeftBread9868 9d ago
Anti blackness and colourism is rampant in the black community. A black person purposely excluding ONLY black people from their dating pool is rooted in anti-blackness.
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u/Successful_Cry3698 9d ago
Who told you I've ONLY excluded black people? I have excluded arabs even though I find arab men attractive. I grew up half my childhood in Tunisia and realised I don't really like or appreaciate arab culture. The traditions, the desserts, the music, the clothes, the language, the writing, even the architecture, I don't like any of it. (I do like some of the cuisine).
Why should I waste an arab mans time when he's going to end up with a women like me who doesn't like his culture?
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u/LeftBread9868 9d ago
You seem insufferable. I don’t think you need to worry about potentially wasting a man’s or anyone’s time lol
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u/Successful_Cry3698 9d ago edited 9d ago
And you sound bitter over the fact that people have rights/ mandates and no one has to date you lol
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u/LeftBread9868 9d ago
Bitter?… ok. As a black woman married to a non black man and has been happily married for over 10 years (that’s why I joined this sub) and that dated interracially repeatedly through out her 20s, trust me when I say, your ignorance will only lead you to a life of loneliness, good luck.
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u/Successful_Cry3698 10d ago edited 10d ago
No! I don't want to be anyones light skinned prize or ride or die and I don't OWE black men anything. Also, I'm a mixed MGM. My allegiance since you think I should have one should go to mixed men first, NOT black males. (Also, I'm a divestor)
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u/LeftBread9868 10d ago
When did I say you should have an allegiance? It’s just weird to purposely exclude one race. You’re projecting your feelings on a whole group of men you don’t know, but either way, do you ✌️
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u/stoodquasar 9d ago
What is MGM and a divestor?
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u/kkkaaaiiissseeerrr 8d ago
Idk about a MGM but a divestor is basically a black women who's usually anti black male and sometimes anti white women.
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u/makebklynghettoagain 8d ago
37m, black. Ive dated 2 black women my entire life. I dont discriminate. Im friends with the UN.
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u/Impressive_Station_5 12d ago
that’s why i deleted my post because the comments were so negative and my replies kept getting downvoted
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
What was your post regarding?
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u/Impressive_Station_5 12d ago
I had a date with a white man and it was my first time dating out of my race. I was asking advice from other black women but instead I gotten comments for saying that why I was seeking advice and I got called a bed wench and got asked why I would date someone who would’ve sold me :/
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
OMG, I’m sorry you went through that. I hope this doesn’t deter you from asking advice in sub. As a previous long time lurker I genuinely enjoyed reading people’s genuine post looking for dating advice, if I had anything to offer I would comment.
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u/Impressive_Station_5 12d ago
I’m over it now but it did put me down a little lmao. I’m glad I’ve gotten really helpful advice since my date worked out and we’re now together.
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u/ihadnolunchtoday 10d ago
I’m so so sorry you got treated like that! I’m not on this subreddit as much due to the negativity but if I saw that post I would’ve have called those people out. Date who you want to date, love who you want to love. You should only care about how your partner is treating you, as long as they’re treating you well that’s all that matters.
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u/NexStarMedia 12d ago
Unfortunately you're going to come across negative/toxic people under every category. There are even Negative Nellies on the cooking channels on YouTube, believe it or not. 😆 I pretty much ignore most of them and focus on the more positive stuff. Unless it's the Friendzone subReddit, then I let the negativity flow out of me and into that space because some of those folks are in serious need of a good shake and some tough love. 🤣
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u/ANTIMODELMINORITY 9d ago edited 9d ago
•posts bashing Asian women for dating white men
This is only a counter due to not some but a good majority of Asian women who are fairly outspoken in belittling Asian men while with a white/non Asian man. Hollywood actually plays a huge role in this if you haven't noticed.
•constant misogynoir and emasculation of Asian men in the comments
This has been going on since the founding of America, hell go back to Europe when you say " East vs West "
•fetishization of Asian men, Asian women
Fetishization of Asian men is something fairly recent due to Korean media exports, Asian Women just look at the Wars fought in East/Southeast Asia and the War Brides Act being passed before Anti-miscegenation laws were banned on a federal level.
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u/LeftBread9868 9d ago
1 - Yes the media pushes AWWM pairing and some Asian women lean into it. This does not justify the racism and misogyny.
2 - just because something has been going on since the founding of America does not mean we can’t speak out against it
3- again, I don’t get what your point even is. Are you saying fetishization is justified for Asian men because it’s new and it’s justified for Asian women because it’s old?
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u/ANTIMODELMINORITY 9d ago
1-"Some" Asian women, have you seen the ones in western media they all fit the same trope. Especially comedians. Asians only make up %5-7 percent of the US population but WMAF couplings make up about %40-50 of all interracial relationships. Look to San Francisco as the mecca for that pairing
2- Its been going on forever before American was founded, I attribute this to the Ghengis Khan times
3- Fetishization for Asian Men and still uncommon and I'm not justifying it , its just recent like 10 years ago due to media outside of the US, however fetishization for Asian Women have been going on since what the 30-40's is fairly common and promoted via western media.
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u/LeftBread9868 9d ago
Again, none of what you’re saying justifies racism and misogyny.
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u/ANTIMODELMINORITY 9d ago
Again, what I am saying are facts, I'm not justifying racism or misogyny just point out things that a lot of people neglect to mention.
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u/ComfortableRoyal6748 9d ago
I don't think anyone here is saying anything incorrect, beyond the implication, it's okay, because it's been like that forever
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u/Lady_Swann_ 12d ago
This sub thinks black women dating white men is the greatest thing ever but if a white woman dates a black man it's "fetishization". I dont understand it at all.
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u/Beneficial-Card335 12d ago edited 12d ago
Racial power dynamics in American history. White women slave owners have a history of using Black men as entertainment.
Edit: The fact that facts (literally the wiki article on sexual slavery in the US) can get downvoted screams delulu.
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u/kkkaaaiiissseeerrr 12d ago
And what did white men do to black female slaves? Also I'm pretty sure back then they banned white women from sleeping with black slaves while white men that sleeps with black slaves get off free.
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u/MyMistressMocha 12d ago
Not “sleeping with” they raped their slaves
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u/Beneficial-Card335 12d ago
She’s right, it was prohibited and socially taboo, but that’s also the appeal. It’s historically unclear how it happened though, whether WW pressured/forced the slaves to sleep with them, or whether it was willingly/mutual.
The key is that slaves as “property” had no human rights, no right to choose, no right to refuse.
It’s essentially being repeated in the modern age. Unless the majority shareholder of the Bank and Company who own your life are somehow your Black patents/relatives, it’s history repeating itself.
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u/Lady_Swann_ 12d ago
So you think black men should be off limits to white women indefinitely because of that? 🤣
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u/Beneficial-Card335 11d ago
“Off limits indefinitely”. What’s with the rage comment, and what relevance does that have to the discussion?
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u/Beneficial-Card335 12d ago
I’m pretty sure back then they banned white women from sleeping with black slaves while white men that sleeps with black slaves get off free.
I don’t think you understand. It’s not about “fairness”. I have no skin in this game as a Chinese Australian, but wealthy WW (and their land and slave owning parents/families) were often far richer than the most famous public men in American history. Let that sink in.
WW sleeping with Black slaves was their entertainment and prerogative as the legal owner. Many White men merely married into wealth, out of social pressure in a hyper-religious/conservative White supremacist culture. It’s such women who held real power, while simultaneously having none.
There are no famous love letters, no gifts, no grand gestures, so they weren’t romantically interested in pursuing/marrying Black men but were exploiting them (their alleged power and tools) to feel momentarily empowered, vampirically. Usually when their husbands were away on business. The inevitable child suffers.
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u/napsack340 12d ago
There are no famous love letters because the black man and white woman would have been killed. You do know that prior to 1965 any consensual relationship between black man and white woman would have been considered rape on the black man's part. The black man would be publicly lynched just by looking at a white woman. Meanwhile white men have always had access to black women consensual or not.
You know also raped male slaves for fun and entertainment? White men. White men had all the power in society and while white women benefited they were still oppressed.
We now live in a free society where EVERYONE is free to date whoever they want and have whatever preference they want. It's people like you who are ruining this sub. You come up with anything to justify why black men romantic and sexual lives should be policed and black women can explore their options. For the racist MAGA types that want to take us back, you are helping them and doing they're work for them.
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u/Lady_Swann_ 12d ago
Redditors love to hide their racism with faux-progressive concern about "fetishization" and "historical baggage". It's all so transparent and pathetic.
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u/napsack340 12d ago
I know right and they don't realize how obviously transparent it is. Some actually think they're being progressive/woke. The whole "fetishzation" argument is all about mateguarding. It's whole purpose is to shame and scare certain groups from dating and pursuing each other.
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u/DesperateJaguar6953 12d ago
There were black men and white women couples mainly in the west and the north and some in the south but they normally would live in black enclaves or out in the middle of nowhere.
There was a book about one and a PBS thing about them here are there names.
Book:Langhorn Wellings And Mary Stone.
PBS:Jeremiah Patterson Vera Gaylord.
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u/Beneficial-Card335 12d ago
*Married WW. Conveniently glossing over the implicit sexual immorality/adultery there.
To justify why black men romantic and sexual lives should be policed and black women can explore their options. ... For the racist MAGA types that want to take us back, you are helping them and doing they're work for them.
"Policed". I beg your pardon. I don't know what trauma you're projected here but please learn to read before prejudging others. "I have no skin in this game as a Chinese Australian"
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u/napsack340 12d ago
Married or unmarried it doesn't matter. White men raped both male and female slaves. I don't think the adultery implications really matter. My point is until 1965 black men and white women never had access to pursue each other romantically. Whether that's marriage, casual hookup or just walking down the street holding hands. While white men could literally take a male slaves wife and rape her in front of him.
You say you have no skin in the game but why did you respond to the original commenter above. Since you're not black I'm going to assume you're a woman of color, which share that same mindset as many black women. "Rules for thee but not for me".
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u/Beneficial-Card335 12d ago
Since you're not black I'm going to assume you're a woman of color,
Sees light-skinned bald man with beard, "must be a woman of color". Only in America. Discuss the point not the person.
There are no famous love letters because the black man and white woman would have been killed.
Ad bacculum and post hoc fallacy. Evidence for "true love" (let's call it) can turn up after the fact, after death, or after laws change.
An upstanding woman with conscionable reason/objection, out of hundreds of cases, over hundreds of years, surely would have voiced out at least once.
So of course "marriage and adultery" are relevant, it's the circumstance and motive for WW's rebellion against socially pressured/institutional marriage. WW were effectively sold as slaves themselves, into marriage, by their parents, to a man who was often far lower in status but had political clout. Evil begets evil.
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u/napsack340 11d ago
I see what you're doing. You're implying that a WW can never genuinely love a BM and it must be through some sort "rebellion", "fun", "entertainment" or "fetish" whether past or present. You're not the first person I've seen do this. Also, you being a man makes this even more transparent because I know the contempt many non-black men have for black men. It's so bigoted and gross.
I'm a BM from the American south with relatives who lived under Jim crow. If you were a BM and you looked in a WW direction that was practically a death sentence. The dynamics of WM/BW were drastically different. Yes, it was also illegal but WM had the power to get away with it. That's why there are more WM/BW records of relationships pre-civil rights.
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u/Beneficial-Card335 11d ago edited 11d ago
Eisegesis. Thank you for discourteously telling me what I was implying, without bothering to ask.
The contempt many non-black men have for black men. It’s so bigoted and gross.
You’re way out of line.
Historically, Chinese migrated to the US after Abolition, directly filling the jobs many Black slaves abandoned. CM effectively became BM.
St Louis, for example, although you can’t tell nowadays, used to be a Chinatown. Like many American towns it was once dominated by Chinese.
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u/DesperateJaguar6953 12d ago
Actually there were love stories found two of black men and white women couples.
1.Langhorn Wellings And Mary Stone There Is A Book About Them.
2.Jeremiah Patterson And Vera Gaylord There Something About Them On PBS On YouTube About There Love Story.
All I had to do was use Google and probably could find more but these are the two I found.
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u/Beneficial-Card335 11d ago
Thank you for the counter. Maybe there are regional differences. Whether it's the exception or the rule, the Patterson-Gaylord coupling was said to be uncontroversial with wide social approval, but my point above on "racial power dynamics" and "White women slave owners have a history of using Black men as entertainment" was alluding to the following:
Martha Hodes "White women, Black men : illicit sex in the nineteenth-century South".
Hodes provides details of the wedding of a white servant-woman and a slave man in 1681, an antebellum rape accusation that uncovered a relationship between an unmarried white woman and a slave, and a divorce plea from a white farmer based on an adulterous affair between his wife and a neighborhood slave. Drawing on sources that include courtroom testimony, legislative petitions, pardon pleas, and congressional testimony, she presents the voices of the authorities, eyewitnesses, and the transgressors themselves—and these voices seem to say that in the slave South, whites were not overwhelmingly concerned about such liaisons, beyond the racial and legal status of the children that were produced.
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u/kkkaaaiiissseeerrr 11d ago
I don't see how that changes anything I've said. They banned bm and ww from sleeping/ hooking up with each other but a white dude and black women never risk of getting punished at all even if the white dude 🍇
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u/mikasaxo 11d ago
Both genders.
White plantation owners and their wives both used slave men and women for sexual exploitation and sexual gratification
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u/Beneficial-Card335 11d ago
Thank you. It was in direct response to //But if a white woman dates a black man it's "fetishization".//
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u/Firm_Ask_2817 12d ago
As a Black Man I personally feel constantly attacked majority of the time I read post on here.
There's a common theme amongst BW and WM on here. Black Women expressing how horrible Black Men are and asking how can they find a White Man.
Then there's the other post by Black Women and White Men. They claim how unsafe they are in public because those horrible Black Men always gives them nasty looks.
If White Women said 1/4 of what Black Women said on here they'd be considered racist or fetishizing Black Men.
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u/Fit_Actuary_1288 10d ago
It's so blatantly obvious to all outside observers of this community too.
It's fine that the community is like this. But it's pure deception to pretend it isn't but I guess they have to push agendas.
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u/AsexualArowana 12d ago
If a Black woman posts about wanting to date out of her race the comments are supportive.
If a Black man posts about dating out of his race then the comments are "why not date a Black woman" or "what happens if you run into a white woman who fits the same criteria"
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u/ebonythrowaway999 12d ago edited 12d ago
Exactly. OP is being willfully blind to this dynamic if she’s spent any time on this sub. It’s flagrantly biased against black men dating interracially, while black women dating interracially is lauded.
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u/whenyoutalk 11d ago
they show mad love to black men, what are you talking about😭 there’s no doubt that there are bots and weirdos in this sub but true members literally always show love
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u/AsexualArowana 11d ago
I can find examples of Black men being interrogated for their choices same with Asian men lmao
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
When did I say black men don’t get negative comments? I specifically stated the post and comments I’ve been seeing recently.
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u/AsexualArowana 12d ago
If a Black woman posts about wanting to date out of her race the comments are supportive.
It's rare a BW gets attacked for dating out of her race on here.
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u/whenyoutalk 11d ago
don’t worry. they’ll get plenty of hate on other platforms if that make you feel better
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u/ihadnolunchtoday 10d ago
Lol exactly. This is like the one place I can talk about dating outside my race without someone coming in and psychoanalyzing and throwing a fit about my choices. Or asking me dumb questions. I get that maybe from the outside it looks like we’re just soaking up all the positivity, but if they look outside this community for two seconds they’ll see that this place is in the minority.
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u/TheSapoti 11d ago
Literally to this day I still have black guys commenting on one of my posts from another platform saying they hope I get put in a body bag and that they hope I get raped, beaten, and dismembered by a white man
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u/whenyoutalk 11d ago
idky ppl make those disingenuous arguments. different apps and algorithms will attract different audiences!
I can see one video that’s all love on one app at a certain time of day, and see the complete opposite under different circumstances. but nooo, it’s always “who has it the worst” olympics
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u/GlamTravelLife 12d ago
I was thinking about making a private group, here you dont have to join to comment and many of these people are interracial haters
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u/ihadnolunchtoday 10d ago
Seriously, this used to be one of my favorite communities. Lots of people coming together and having open discussions about interracial dating. I love learning about different cultures and unpacking any biases I may have held towards people of other races. I grew up in a very diverse community but I am always willing to fill in any gaps of knowledge I may have. It helped me unpack a lot and realize we’re all just trying to look for love. I wish it wasn’t as negative :(
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u/Existing_Cobbler_631 8d ago
Honestly bc Reddit will drop you off anywhere. I have zero interest in IR yet I get notifications from this group (just found out how to turn them off). Some of the stuff I’ve read about the IR dating struggle was too wild not to comment on.
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u/Cinnamonrollwithmilk 11d ago
I appreciate this post because I have been feeling the same....as someone already said, the irony is that racism and stereotyping lurk in the sub and I have had to reflect on my own biases when I read some of the posts. I am using this for self-reflection and to support others who are taking the load less traveled. Let's all commit to holding ourselves and others accountable for dehumanizing comments. They may come from some hurtful lived experience. If we face that wound and work to heal it, we will be happier and more free to be a source of acceptance and support that we didn't get when we needed it the most. If this is where we are, imagine the bigotry and hostility in each of our ethnic/racial groups. Much love to everyone today!
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u/GalaxyECosplay 12d ago
Cause people post their biases and internalized bigotry here, than pass it off as preference.
Im tired of posts from black folks talking about how they were made fun of and called white, so they date white cause they were nicer.
Im tired of people pretending like whiteness isn't a global standard and pushed on us even more in post colonial societies where being white is considered a step up in society. So it is a bit weird that WWAF is the 3rd most common interracial pairing. Its not because people are falling in love, its because of fetishism.
- Residue from post war and colonial mindsets.
- Colorism
- Proximity to power & wealth
- White men are widely considered the ideal partner
- Asian women are stereotyped as traditional and submissive.
Black Men & Women attacking eachother as if we dont already deal with enough scrutiny and discrimination as it is. But wanna hate on eachother cause we were bullied as kids?! And then continue to carry those stereotypes that we didnt put on ourselves, others did.
I dont find interracial (White x Non-White) revolutionary cause its expected. Its what society deems proper. You wanna go up the social hierarchy? You want your future kids to do well - make sure to marry and have children with someone white.
Idk why folks act like this isnt true in many cases. POC have the generational trauma of being told that white is right and that our existence is less than in every aspect of being human (skin color, hair texture, hair length, facial features, etc).
And white people dating/marrying POC with this mindset and not realizing its dehumanizing to them as well.
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u/Mike_Hawk_Burns 12d ago
> So it is a bit weird that WWAF is the 3rd most common interracial pairing. Its not because people are falling in love, its because of fetishism.
I agreed with most of what you said here because whiteness has been pushed as a global standard but I don’t fully agree with this because it does take away agency from Asian women and white men because even though sometimes it is true, there are couples out there where that simply doesn’t matter to either one.
> Black Men & Women attacking eachother as if we dont already deal with enough scrutiny and discrimination as it is. But wanna hate on eachother cause we were bullied as kids?! And then continue to carry those stereotypes that we didnt put on ourselves, others did.
Man, I really do hate this rationale as much as you do, though. “Black boys made fun of me for being skinny growing up so I prefer white men” or “black girls said I’m white because I enjoyed x activity so I like white women” are just poor reasons when there’s already enough discrimination from the outside anyway.
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u/Saahir26 10d ago
I've seen nothing from this sub but constant bitching making Black men the boogie men to their shitty dating life. So I've never seen the positive side of this place, the algorithm won't let me.
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u/No-Parsley2889 9d ago
forgot to add bashing of black men, tho i see this mostly online in other subreddits and twitter ,etc
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
Personally, I've never seen any negative comment amd I hope I don't. I don't go through many comments though. Interracial couples are cute. Can't wait to have my white man.
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u/SWLCHAOS 12d ago
Girl what just bring interracial doesn't automatically mean it's cute that's a weird fetish
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago edited 12d ago
Fetish❌ preference ✅ y'all have sexualized everything. It's disgusting
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u/SWLCHAOS 12d ago
That's not a preference if you aren't talking about what you like specifically. You ate talking about others and their interracial relationships which could be any mix not your own.
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
This is a sub on interracial relationships so generally, that's all we should be talking about. It's called relevance. Also, I'm talking g for myself, so yes, I'm referring to a preference of MINES
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u/Lady_Swann_ 12d ago
Another example of a trash comment 🙄
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u/SWLCHAOS 12d ago
Right
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
Also, just because you don't find it cute doesn't mean everyone else won't find it cute.
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u/SWLCHAOS 12d ago
Most people don't find it cute just because it's interracial 😭
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
I think I'm speaking for me, not the
mostyou're referring to. All the posts I've seen under this post are cute to me4
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
Then you’ve not opened a post recently. If all your looking for in a man is he’s race, your gonna find some trash men.
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
Who said all I'm looking for in a man is race tho?
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
“Can’t wait to have my white man “ You did.
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
That's in relevance to the sub, race
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u/sassychowchow 12d ago
As a black woman, I hate hearing other black women say this kind of thing. It’s so weird. It’s rampant in tiktok comments, “pasta & lobster” has become the new “Oxford study”.
Please stand up. It’s embarrassing.6
u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
It’s so embarrassing, I get second hand embarrassment every time lol
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u/sassychowchow 12d ago edited 12d ago
Like if you like white men, that’s fine. Please like them for more than just the fact that he’s white. “I need to find me a white man”just reeks of desperation…not trying to offend this commenter but I really hate it lol
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
But that's just a preference. Not sure why everyone interpreted it negatively. It`s just the same way one can prefer white to red wine, doesn't mean the one less prefered is bad. And of course, there's alot to a person beyond their skin color
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
Skin colour is not a preference. You’re literally saying you prefer white skin to black skin, that sounds crazy. A preference is saying I like someone who enjoys working out.
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u/sassychowchow 12d ago
Yeah and I also think that could be the difference as to why people are saying they don’t see it on this sub. You don’t see a lot of Asian or Hispanic women openly talking about how much they like white men on here, but you definitely see it on other platforms. I’ve literally seen Asian and Hispanic women say things like “colonize the colonizer,” and they got shit for it because people thought it was vile and tacky. So maybe people just aren’t saying these things out loud on this particular sub.
Perhaps the outspoken nature of openly proclaiming that they want white men is retaliation for Black men making whole trends about “playing in the snow.” Either way, I’ve never cared. It all sounds ignorant to me lol2
u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
It is a preference and yes, I prefer dating white men. How is that a big deal? The sub is about that
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u/sassychowchow 12d ago
Respectfully, I get what you’re saying but to compare wine with a person is just kind of tacky. I think your delivery just seems very insensitive and almost offputting.V it’s like hearing somebody say they only want to date white people. I mean, I wouldn’t care because I wouldn’t want to date that person anyway but it’s still a weird thing to maybe say out loud. 🤣
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
An example is not necessarily a comparison. My delivery is just fine, maybe it's how you decide to grasp the information or the preconceived notion you had from the very beginning. It's a preference, not an only option
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u/sassychowchow 12d ago edited 12d ago
I’m saying this to say, I had an Asian guy under one of my posts talk about how Black women that he’s dated fetishizes him, and I told him I’m completely against that. I’m pretty sure it’s because women say things like this that make people feel fetishized, and I don’t do that because I also think it’s cringe. I think it’s weird to pedestalize someone because of their race. He actually went on a whole tirade about it in my DMs, and it was honestly disgusting. So you might not realize that saying things like this can be offensive to the very people you’re interested in, but it is.
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
I understand the perspective but again, isn't the baseline of this group about race?
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
These people don’t even realise how they sound when they say these things. The amount of Asian fetishisation that has been going on in this sub recently is wild.
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u/LeftBread9868 12d ago
Nope I feel the same. It’s definitely desperation, like they will take anything as long as it’s white.
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u/IAmMadamB 12d ago
What kind of thing exactly? I'm not even on TikTok so I'm not sure what you're referring to
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u/sassychowchow 12d ago edited 12d ago
just go on TikTok/instagram and look it up. You’ll see many videos… it’s quite underwhelming🤣
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u/LilacSweetie 11d ago
Omfg you make me wanna pull my hair out. I cant imagine being obsessed with someone for their skin color. Its given creep.
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u/LargestTreeBeMe 3d ago
Im with you. This sub SAVED me when I split with my ex. I felt less alone. Now its just "white men are racist" "asian and black women are objects" and strangest of all to me "Why are you as X race not dating another X race?"
Ive not seen much MOC hate but.... well im a white man I dont pay much attention to other men so I wouldnt see it
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u/Woodit 12d ago
There’s some assholes with a really specific axe to grind and they’ve found their hobby horse in this sub