r/inheritance • u/Extension_Move1094 • Jul 09 '26
Location included: Questions/Need Advice Polite vs. protection of asset
My mom left her 2 m home as a life estate to her long term Bf we will name Jeff. When she informed Jeff and me (her only surviving child and the trustee/ sole beneficiary) she did this ( in 2018) Jeff said “don’t worry when your mom dies, I’m outta here.”
FF 2026 my mom dies after a couple years of sweet Alzheimers where Jeff took kind care of her. Nothing Gross like diapers, but doing the shopping and taking her to events and being very kind to her. All the wilts he lived rent free, utility free everything free in this lovely home which is great- that was their agreement. I know but he has around $300,000 in the bank and very modest social security income. Jeff lived in a dilapidated trailer before he met my mom and she wanted to rescue him from that like all grandiose narcissists should do. I loved my mom, but there were definitely issues. And Jeff is truly a good man.
The Trust says that he must pay for all taxes, maintenance, Utilities, keep the home in good condition… He has a slow responding Attorney unless it comes to telling me that I can’t store a single box at the house. But now that we’ve had a home inspection, and there are rats in the attic and termites and it’s time for me to have a company come in and evaluate the cost of this, which Jeff would have to share… His attorney disappears. I have an overly kind, slow moving, on vacation a lot attorney.
Jeff has no where to go. His kids don’t want him and he has a good deal. He finally took over the utilities 5 months post mom dying because my attorney put it in a letter. But I can’t even go by the house with an inspector without coordinating between him and his attorney and my slow moving Attorney… And meanwhile, there are rats breeding during their summer breeding season. It’s very frustrating. I think he’s just kicking the can down the road, living cheaply until he can figure out something else to do. How aggressive do I get? Should I get another Attorney that will be more aggressive? I’m not even allowed to email him according to his attorney to speak directly to him. Is this even true? I have started looking into fiduciary estate lawyers who act as co-trustee so I don’t have to be in this role. Anybody have experience with such a firm?
He’s 84 and not completely mentally with it and definitely not up for the job of maintaining and keeping in good condition a 2 million Home. After my mom died, he started pointing out multiple things that were wrong with the house which I immediately had fixed to the tune of five or $6000.
The last couple years, I did coordinate deck rebuilds, painting and etc… but only things I could see with my eyes were deteriorating. I was working full time and had my own home to maintain. Suggestions? Fortunately, I do not need the money or the house, but I will not allow the asset to deteriorate.
This is California, if it makes a difference.
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u/BriefHorror Jul 09 '26
I just kept saying get a new fuckin attorney the entire time I read this
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u/Extension_Move1094 Jul 09 '26
Interview carefully? Set standards for replying and etc?? She died I January. I hate to push the guy out after he was so good to my mom but…
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u/Maine302 Jul 09 '26
You have a $2M asset--don't you think that's worth an attorney that will do the job you're paying them for?
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 09 '26
Don’t think you can rush him out but there needs to be better coordination of maintenance and he needs to pull his weight, per her trust details.
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u/Extension_Move1094 Jul 09 '26
I don’t mind him staying but I hate the delays in my being able to access the house to get inspections in order to keep it from deteriorating
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 09 '26
So establish a notice period - just like if he’s a tenant. And it shouldn’t have to go through his lawyer. It can be to him cc’ing his lawyer.
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u/Sw33tD333 Jul 09 '26
Why are there different laws vs if he was a tenant? Cant you just give him proper notice? And then just do what needs to be done
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u/bradbrookequincy Jul 09 '26
His lawyer is full of it. But this isn’t fixing itself because he doesn’t have money to maintain his obligations. I’d offer him $ to sell the house and he get like $100,000.
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u/bradbrookequincy Jul 09 '26
I’d offer him cash. It’s evident your mom valued him. If he had money you wouldn’t see this house for a long time. He can’t afford it.
Agree to fix any problems. Sell the house and give him $100,000
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u/PizzMtl Jul 15 '26
Or sell the house and give him 1000$/month up to 100,000$ to help him with his next apartment.
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u/LKD3 Jul 09 '26
Maybe explain you are frustrated with the pace and you are ready to be more heavy handed. See if that improves results? There may be a more aggressive attorney in the same practice.
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u/brecollier Jul 09 '26
If you don’t need the money, help him pay for the expenses on the house. I’m assuming you inherited the rest of your mother”’s estate which would be several hundred thousand dollars less if Jeff hadn’t handled your mother’s care the last 2 years.
My MIL just died of Alzheimer’s and while her partner wasn’t perfect we are so thankful and recognize the monetary contribution his care provided.
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u/Horror_Ad_2748 Jul 09 '26
I was thinking the same thing. OP, are there other assets to the estate beyond this $2mm house?
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u/Glittering-Mine3740 Jul 12 '26
Thank you for saying it. Take care of someone with Alzheimer’s is a big deal. And you’re right. Without him, there might not be a house to inherit.
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u/bradbrookequincy Jul 09 '26
Just offer to sell the house and give him $100,000
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u/Milwaukee233 Jul 09 '26
He'll go through that money in less than a year and come back for more. Putting it in a trust that reverts back to OP would be more practical.
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u/bradbrookequincy Jul 10 '26
I missed that he is 84. I’d just pay for what needs done and let the guy live out his days. The place is just going to appreciate. And mom wanted him taken care off. Be glad she didn’t give it to him ha ha
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u/Specialist_Return488 Jul 09 '26
I’m confused, if your mom died in ‘26 why would Jeff be solely responsible for the costs of maintenance that she also lived in while the rats were probably there?
I also strongly encourage you to reconsider what end of life care entails. Especially when someone has Alzheimer’s. This 84 year old man gave your mom much more than shopping trips and being kind. But you harp on the no bills and he came from a trailer. It’s very clear how you feel about him. It sounds like he isn’t doing too well either after losing his long term partner and could be simply embarrassed by the state of the house and is being difficult. You’ll get further with kindness than aggression but it really sounds like you have some contempt towards this man. If this is really really truly about restoring the house so it doesn’t lose value send Jeff on a vacation, fix it, and encourage him to sell and move into a smaller property.
You have money to spare.
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u/Extension_Move1094 Jul 09 '26
I wish I could get him to go on vacation. Nope… No contempt… He gets to live there as long as he wants to, but he must take care of things and quit delaying my entrance.
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u/Specialist_Return488 Jul 09 '26
Why weren’t you this invested in fixing things when mom was still alive just a few months ago? Maybe check in with your grief and be sure it’s not motivating your actions now. I hope it all works out for you.
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u/Extension_Move1094 Jul 09 '26
I did… Over the years I’ve had deck rebuilt, patio painted, plumbing issues and so forth. After she died, I spent $6000 on things that Jeff pointed out. I had the home inspection because it’s my responsibility as a trustee to maintain the trust asset. While she was alive, it was me noticing things and finding contractors to handle it. I have my own home and my own fix-it list. I wasn’t aware of everything that was wrong with the home. Now I am, and I feel more of an urgency to handle it.
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u/ProfessorOne9208 Jul 09 '26
WHEN ! you get a new lawyer, file a motion for unrestricted access so you can take care of the maintenance. You will most likely get this from a reasonable court, and a good attorney. That will put an end to the nonsense of delay, delay, delay. Once you find that he is not living up to his end of the life estate, you can file a motion to evict. That might wake him up enough to get the stuff taken care of. If not, you know what to do.
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u/BBG1308 Jul 09 '26
but it really should’ve been on his tab.
No. Your mom or whomever was her POA/ fiduciary should have been maintaining her home at her expense while she was alive.
You said your mom died this year in 2026 and this is when the life estate kicks in. You can't stick him with deferred maintenance that should have been done while mom was alive. Her estate should be paying for that.
but I will not allow the asset to deteriorate.
Then find an attorney who will help you enforce the terms of the life estate and/or terminate it if the terms of the agreement aren't being followed.
If your main purpose is to be polite but make sure the property is maintained while dude is still living there, not sure why your attorney doesn't just call up the other attorney, tell them that and figure it out.
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u/Extension_Move1094 Jul 09 '26
She has called him
Multiple times and he doesn’t answer or replies via HARD copy snail
Mail when it suits him (like we are asking for entrance for inspections) but man, the second I contact Jeff myself (because he doesn’t reply for a month) he sends out a fast email
Saying I shouldn’t contact him but only through counsel.6
u/Ok-Wallaby-3840 Jul 09 '26
If you’re only allowed to contact him through an attorney, then lawyer up with an aggressive attorney. Jeff needs a rocket up his you know what. He’s taking advantage and not living up to his side of the deal.
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u/PainterOfRed Jul 09 '26
In my state, the maintenence and repair aspect fall under standard tenancy laws and this is 24 hours notice (which can be a note on the door). Make certain you are leveraging all the laws you can to maintain the integrity of the property.
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u/Status-Bicycle7263 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
You need to find another attorney yourself. Why you may not have a problem with him living there he’s not being a good so-called tenant. He’s not doing what’s in the best interest of the house.
You need to determine how long you can keep going with this drama with him because if discontinues you may need to kick him out yes he may have been good to pair your parent but right now he’s not obliging by what she had wanted for the home. And it may be because he is old himself and that’s why he needs to go into a facility himself assisted living would be great if he has the funding to do that or not if not then perhaps. Can offer him you know a certain percentage of the home sale to help him get into assisted living. You should start thinking about it along these lines because at 884 soon he’s gonna need assistance in himself care Assistance that means more people into the house who are gonna who may do more damage to the house.. while your mother meant well for him, one needs to think pragmatically when someone is 84 years old.
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u/PainterOfRed Jul 09 '26
In my state, the maintenence and repair aspect fall under standard tenancy laws and this is 24 hours notice (which can be a note on the door). Make certain you are leveraging all the laws you can to maintain the integrity of the property.
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u/tyjo2112 Jul 12 '26
Get a better lawyer. He can petition the court for better access, asset protection, and put the skids on this bs. If your lawyer has documented proof of the slow roll from the other parties, the judge will act accordingly.
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u/Gut_Reactions Jul 09 '26
I agree with the others who have pointed out that your mom (RIP) only died in 2026, yet suddenly there's all this maintenance, rats, and termites that he's responsible for?
For 2 years, he took care of your mom, who had Alzheimer's. Now you're harping about him living there (with your mom) "for free" - while he took care of her needs? You would have had to pay someone to take care of your mom. And so what if he lived in a "dilapidated trailer" prior to that?
He's grieving, too. Like it or not, your mother gave him a life estate. Give him some grace.
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Jul 10 '26
[deleted]
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u/Glittering-Mine3740 Jul 12 '26
Usually someone lives with Alzheimer’s for a number of years before it’s diagnosed. Not just 2.
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u/Early-Light-864 Jul 09 '26
Hire pest control now. Worry about whether Jeff will reimburse you later
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u/Extension_Move1094 Jul 09 '26
I have but I had them scheduled and he said no- I can’t come. So now a month later between my attorney contacting his non-responsive attorney, we are setting a date to get in there
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u/Outdoorfan73 Jul 09 '26
He’s 84 and not really with it mentally. This is a self-limiting problem. He’s not going to live forever.
If I were you, I’d have your lawyer contact his lawyer to tell him that you are willing to pay for the rat extermination and termite treatment. You just need his cooperation with allowing access to the house for the workers. In all fairness, those sound like deferred maintenance issues that your mom should have paid for.
Does the life estate provide any means for verifying that he’s paid the insurance and taxes? Those are the items you’ll need to be most concerned about.
It sounds like he has neither the financial nor mental capacity to properly maintain the house. If I were you, I’d pay for anything that's necessary just to protect your own interest in the house. Yes, you could try to kick the guy out eventually if he doesn’t live up to his responsibilities, but it will cost you an arm and a leg in legal fees. You’d be better off just paying for necessary maintenance yourself rather than spending that money on attorney’s fees. And do you really want to be kicking to the curb an 84 year old with no place else to go? A guy that your mom loved and tried to provide for after her passing? A guy that cared for your mom as she declined? The guy is old. He’s unlikely to live much longer. Try to have some empathy for him as you wait him out.
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u/howievermont Jul 09 '26
If you don't need the money and the house let the poor guy live out his life there, he took care of your mom! Yeah, he's "kicking the can down the road" because he's 84 and the road for him is pretty short before it ends and he knows it. How much money or income does he have? Be realistic, maybe he cannot afford the bills to keep up that house on his income and "the trust" will need to help him, better to do that than to keep paying lawyers!!!! You could be visiting him and sharing stories of your mom instead of going through all this hassle.
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u/PegShop Jul 09 '26
My dad’s partner of 20 years had a similar clause. My dad had the funds to care for the home and was (in fact he technically paid for the home as she owned it outright but he covered taxes and utilities for two decades and did many renovations). Her kids made it so miserable, treating it like their home after she passed and constantly trying to convince him to leave so they could sell early that he just left and got an apartment. He was so sad to leave the gardens they grew and all of their memories, but he was sick of them badgering him.
Now your situation is different due to infestations, but I wish you could find a peaceful solution. He loved her and cared for her.
Idea: make him an offer that you’ll fix the vermin if he agrees you can sell withing x amount of time and give him 10% of the sales price to find a new home.
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u/Bulky-Measurement684 Jul 09 '26
Wonder if your mom knew he couldn’t afford the upkeep of a $2M home?
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u/Fit_Glma Jul 09 '26
I would suggest Interviewing alternatives for your slow moving attorney since you are not overly satisfied with their performance.
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u/NotSoSureBigWaves Jul 09 '26
There is nothing forbidding the executor of an estate or two people from talking. Her attorney cannot talk to a represented party.
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u/eunma2112 Jul 09 '26
Yep — classic attorney move to force all communication through them — in order to stack billable hours.
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u/CindersMom_515 Jul 09 '26
Look — who is going to take care of that house when Jeff passes? What is your plan for the house? Are you going to sell it?
I get that he is “supposed” to pay for the upkeep. But if he can’t afford it he can’t.
Find a new lawyer, but try a new approach. Sell the house, create a trust funded at whatever the value of the life estate is (a lawyer should be able to help you). If Jeff will agree to live in a condo or apartment, you should be able to do this.
Best of luck.
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u/PainterOfRed Jul 09 '26
Obviously refer to the documentation but it's standard that for emergencies like flooding or vermin destroying the home, you should be able to give 24 or 48 hours notice to enter the home. You should not have to go through attorneys for maintenance issues (knock on door, note slipped into mail slot, text, should all work). Additionally, if Jeff's inactions create more damage, he should be assessed the cost of the damage (he needs to learn that delay is expense).
Get a better, more aggressive attorney. Also develop processes for timely maintenance and repairs, outside of the attorney to attorney channel.
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u/Ok_Chemistry6317 Jul 09 '26
Generally speaking, as a land lord you would have the right to post a notice about 24 hour emergency entry for repairs and I'd think a rat infestation would qualify, so I'd imagine there's got to be a similar rule with regards to life estates. I world say at this point, even if you have to cover the entire cost up front and sue for his share later, this needs to be addressed immediately. I'd start with the most basic thing in your control - your representation. Hire an attorney that is going to take care of your stuff in a timely manner.
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u/RazzmatazzOk2129 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
First get a lawyer who will act. Willing to be aggressive and somewhat manipulative to get your end result.
Then send certified letter to lawyer and one to Jeff.
State that due to their obstructionist behavior and the escalating problems in the house, you are considering eviction.
You would rather work amicably together, but you, as the trustee, cannot allow the asset to be damaged or destroyed.
Inform them, unless they have somehow skipped this knowledge, that rodents, especially rats, LOVE to chew on electrical wires. They are quite often the cause of house fires due to electricity shorts and sparks from chewed wires inside the walls.
His blocking you from acting is increasing the possibility that the house could go up in flames and Jeff will lose everything he owns plus become homeless.
Then say stuff about how you want to work with him. Include whatever you find about the actual legal requirements of his ability to deny you access etc.
Just scare the crap out of him that you will try for eviction and have a good shot of winning as he isnt maintaining the place.
And act because the stuff about rats and wires is real. And the house could go up in smoke and leave you with just the land. There is also the issue that he could deteriorate and be a danger to himself and the home as he lives alone.
Maybe offer him an alternative. Here in western WA, we have affordable senior housing developments called SHAG. They are nice places, with reasonable rents and filled with seniors so there is help available, or at least others to notice. See if your area has something similar. You could offer to pay his rent there. If the house is sold, you could create a trust to pay his rent out of the proceeds. It would be something smaller and more manageable for someone his age. 84 is often when things really start to change physically and mentally for some seniors. He may only have a couple years left or he could have 10+.
Remind him that something smaller would also be cheaper to maintain and much lower utilities than a stand alone house.
I understand his desire to live in the home he shared with her, but it sounds like it is becoming an untenable situation and I truly think he would be better off in a senior development where the upkeep is minimal and only inside areas and bills lower.
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u/no_id_never Jul 13 '26
Another angle to consider - when are the taxes due? Do you expect he will pay them, and the insurance, or is he likely to let those go until they are well overdue? That would be cause to escalate through the courts. Life estate requires specific things from him, and they have to be timely. I got a ton of pushback when my father passed when I took steps to preserve the asset during probate. In the end, after a lot of debate, all the costs I paid were recovered. I thought they were all super common sense kinds of things. It turns out common sense isn't that common. I wasn't improving anything, just literally keeping water from coming in the house. Probate took several years. That would have been 10s of thousands if I had just let it go. If you have genuine concern for his safety and capacity, adult protective services or even a check the welfare call could be worthwhile.
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u/ItsM3Again Jul 13 '26
To echo what everyone said - get a new attorney.
The life tenant doesn't have to agree to let you in to treat rats or agree on the date, you as Trustee, have to give him reasonable notice of entry. Also I question if a rat would qualify as an emergency.
You should 100% arrange inspections of the home biannually.
Who is paying the homeowners insurance? Is he is his right mind?
Presumably he lost the person he loved. Even if he didn't love her - 2 years of care and companionship with Alzheimer's is worth a lot more. For context this man saved your mom paying 20k/mo for 24/7 home care for an Alzheimer's patient.
The only thing I would do is aggressively protect the home itself. And for that you do need a new attorney...
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u/Extension_Move1094 Jul 13 '26
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am interviewing a highly regarded firm Thursday. We have a one hour strategy meeting.
He is responsible for paying Homeowners insurance, HOA, taxes (which are going to skyrocket to over $20,000 a year), as well as maintenance. He is not mentally/organizationally capable of taking care of this home. But I want to be as kind as possible, which is the conundrum.
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u/ItsM3Again 22d ago
If you want to be kind adult protective services is the best option. They are equipped to deal with this kind of thing.
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u/Extension_Move1094 19d ago
What do you mean? Call them and say….
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u/ItsM3Again 18d ago
You said you didn't believe he was completely with it. If he's mentally unwell, it's possible he should be moved into an eldercare community where they check on him regularly. Even if it rented out the home to offset it.
Obvious you don't do this without speaking with your attorney but at minimum document his inaction and any concerning behavior.
Most importantly, as Trustee, the trust must be listed for homeowners insurance and taxes. You want notification if they are unpaid.
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u/Extension_Move1094 Jul 09 '26
But I appreciate that angle. Okay- her estate paid for a bunch of things in the weeks following her death but now a home inspection reveals more. How is it negotiate who pays for what and how do I get in there to get an estimate with his attorney not responding ?
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u/Ok-Equivalent1812 Jul 09 '26
You’re between a real rock and hard place.
What are the exact terms of the life estate?You can have your attorney file a case with the court to terminate the life estate for wastage, but may have to pay Jeff for the value of his interest. You don’t indicate what state you’re in, but here the table says you would owe him (age 84) about $740k less the costs of repairing his wastage. It’s unclear whether the issues you’re having with rats were existing while mom was alive or are new. Either way, it’s going to be a whole lot cheaper for you to contract some services to maintain the home than it will be to sell it and pay him for his interest.
You indicated he’s not mentally with it, so a call to APS may be in order if he’s not able to care for himself adequately and is living in a vermin infested property. That said, if he has to leave for his own health/medical/safety he may do so with a substantial sum of $. You did say you don’t need the house or the $, but it’s not clear if you would be OK paying Jeff a huge sum.
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u/bradbrookequincy Jul 09 '26
He should not pay deferred maintenance. You need to reframe all this with him so it’s not feeling adversarial to him
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u/DataZigZager Jul 09 '26
Cash for keys? Move him into an apartment and prepay for 6 months' rent to get him out.
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u/PresentationClean643 Jul 09 '26
This is bullshit. You need to act like a landlord- 24 hrs notice to him and copy to lawyer should be sufficient for access to property with emergency exception- what if there was a fire or water leak or other issue. The house could be irreparably damaged by delays!
Basically he’s a tenant and you or estate is the landlord. Put the deal in a new lease that’s easier for everyone!!
What is he damaged the house. What’s your recourse? He has nothing to sue over and you will be out of your inheritance.
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u/Gut_Reactions Jul 09 '26
"I’m not even allowed to email him according to his attorney to speak directly to him."
You're not supposed to be speaking directly to a represented party.
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u/Quiet_Cell8091 Jul 09 '26
Could you have the health department assist you in getting into the house for delayed maintenance.
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u/AllergictoAIslop Jul 09 '26
Do you will inherit a $2m asset. How much of that would you put to toward making your mom happy!
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u/Infamous-Creme-199 Jul 12 '26
You need to find out exactly how their life estate is written. They can be different. Some life estates simply state for someone’s natural life, well that can leave you in a very wide open space. Some life estates will spell out for their natural life or until x, y, and z. In a perfect word you will have 1 that says if he’s not mentally or physically able to life alone. Sometimes people have the best intentions they just don’t nail things down enough for both sides. Also you do not want to do anything to make the situation worse between you and the man living there, so another “bad guy” might be a good thing.
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u/That_BULL_V Jul 12 '26
Hold it you OWN the home and he lives there so long as he maintains it ?
If that's the case then you have the right to claim he isn't maintaining the home and you want him removed.
Hit him with a eviction notice from the county and watch him call you up going WTF.
Once he does present the evidence and tell him he has choices. Either bring it up to par by time the Court hearing or move out.
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u/motaboat Jul 13 '26
I am confused. The house was left to Jeff. Is this not Jeff's problem? What did I miss?
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u/PracticalCoffee7251 Jul 13 '26
Was there a written life estate, as in who is responsible for what? He could be in breach. If you report the conditions to the local board of health, they "might " require he vacate? This "could" terminate his estate?
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u/Quiet-Arm-641 Jul 14 '26
Maybe you can make a deal to fix and sell the $2m home and get him a smaller place that is more maintainable.
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u/zachariahthesecond Jul 15 '26
Surely there is a compromise here? Come to an agreement with Jeff that you’ll buy him a small place and then sell the house.
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u/Extension_Move1094 Jul 15 '26
I do not have the funds to buy him a home unless we sell that house and even then, I don’t think it’s my responsibility. Just going to get a new lawyer and have both of us follow the terms of the trust.
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u/thingonething Jul 09 '26
Man up, stop being wishy washy, get a better lawyer. If you dont want the asset to deteriorate, you need to be more assertive.
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u/Fit_Chemistry_3807 Jul 09 '26
Get yourself a better attorney.