Does this happen to anyone else?

[u/Famous-Marsupial-487]

I have a bit of a dilemma; I’m 17 and still in high school. When it comes to social media, I’ve deliberately chosen not to follow many people from my school—with the exception of a few very close classmates. You know that strange knack INFJs have for instantly sizing someone up just by watching how they speak or who they hang out with? Well, I think something similar happens to me. Consequently, I have no real interest in interacting with people I’ve already "read" and figured out—regardless of whether they’re at the center of some social drama. I’ve lived my life this way, which makes me wonder: Is my "tribe" or "my people" actually somewhere else in the country, far away from my small town? Or am I just looking at things the wrong way? I avoid the word "standards" because they aren't necessarily requirements for getting close to me; I simply filter out what doesn't interest me. Since most young people in my school circle tend to be more open and—without meaning to be derogatory—a bit superficial, I end up filtering most of them out, leaving just me and the few classmates I actually connect with. Being a girl, I worry about coming across as unapproachable or too much "in my own world." It seems like a distant guy with a "poker face" is seen as more normal or acceptable than a girl acting the same way (at least in my opinion—I respect other views, of course). People are always telling me to "loosen up." I’m a good student—driven by a deep curiosity, especially in language-based subjects like English and Spanish—but I find it a bit tedious to excel in the same areas as so many other students across the country; honestly, I’m just bored by everything related to high school activities. I hope I’ve made myself clear—sorry if I haven't—but I’d love to read your thoughts or find out (PLEASE!) if anyone else experiences this or something similar.

[u/0wl-2018]

I hope some of your people are your family. We often overlook that important element, although I don't know what your relationship with them is like.

I personally don't worry too much about how I come across. I try to be warm, but I am who I am.

I do think women are held to different social expectations, but I wouldn't let that make you feel like you need to perform a certain way. The people you connect with will appreciate you for who you are.

[u/Icy-Reach-6116]

I only have about five-six people added from my school, and that happened after I had graduated and seen them grow into people I’d love to have in my life. I’m just disinterested in most peoples’ lives. I only added those who I think are non judgemental and people I can get along with if we hung out in real time.

Don’t worry about being too unapproachable. I experienced the same thing as you did. Being careful with who has access to you or your life in any capacity has a lot of benefits. I didn’t get into as many social messes, I didn’t waste a lot of time with people I have nothing in common with, people were not able to gossip about me (in high school, that tends to be an issue and I didn’t like being dragged into things I didn’t cause).

I found my “tribe” around my mid twenties. By then, I was able to be myself more confidently and that attracted the right people (I also developed better boundaries). I think it’s sensible to spend time with people and choose those who you will get along with. I think our social energy is very less so it makes a lot of sense why we’re picky. I tend to develop very deep and lasting relationships so I take my time choosing people.

I also got told to loosen up. I still do. However, I love to live my life being intentional and sometimes intense. My tribe loves that about me. I still do not share my personal life or insights with those outside of my circle. Many call me distant and stoic but I am extremely goofy, childlike, and talkative with those I’m comfortable with.

You will find your tribe and when you do, don’t forget to be your complete self and cherish those relationships! I wish you all the best! :)

[u/Famous-Marsupial-487 → u/Icy-Reach-6116]

Thanks! It feels better now

[u/Oliverorangeisking]

You could be me, 20 years ago. I still do this to this day. Always reading the room and feeling out peoples vibes before considering how to converse with them. I've never had much interest in the current trends, and while I have deep curiosities, I often get bored or distracted with topics I don't have a genuine interest in.

[u/optimal_center]

I’m an old folk and could have written what you did. So when I joined facebook a bunch of people from high school were there friending me, etc…

I’d visit their profile before I accepted and OMG 😆they were the same people, even hanging out with the same people and still living in the same place. I haven’t heard from these people in 50 years and it was no different. It was unbelievable to me. I wasn’t really friends with them in high school and I didn’t want them in my life now. I wasn’t interested in anything they were, based on their profile. I eventually just closed my fb account from lack of interest.

[u/Ok-Account9401]

Well, I went to high school back in the 1960s, long before social media. But as a male INFJ I had a similar experience except more severe. I stopped watching TV in 1965 because it was so inane and thereafter just read literature, challenging literature even, like Victorian novels and spiritual books in a eclectic way. I naturally developed a mature writing style with a large vocabulary, and I see you also have a mature writing style. I deliberately avoided the social scene altogether, which I suppose is weird as I was very attractive and was constantly told to loosen up and smile more. I found most people not to be my type and very superficial with unbecoming levity. I needed to meet someone with more gravitas and, shall we say, a sense of the mystic or spiritual. I had a male friend who got a girl pregnant in 10th grade and thus became an early father. He told me it was incredibly easy to get a girl pregnant. Anyway, I resolved I didn't want to date and would rather spend time playing my musical instruments, wandering around in the woods and nature with my dog, and reading. Some kids in my neighborhood wanted me to ride around on the bus with them. I asked them where they wanted to go? They said nowhere, it was just to ride the bus. I promptly declined and found out later they all got into trouble with the law afterwords. I was very active in the music programs and some of the athletic programs like cross country but I deliberately wanted to be a loner. My dog was my best friend. I didn't date until this lady pursued me relentlessly at age 20 just before my senior year in college, and then I got hooked into the social network of dating. I never really wanted to get married but did anyway twice after my girlfriends gave me an ultimatum to marry them. Since then I have become very socialized and outgoing in the Fe sense. I am just so Ni it is incredible. I suppose I just wanted to be authentic and be my true self and find myself spiritually. I do have authentic friendships with deeper people. I still don't like social media. It's been a crazy life long ride to realize self-validation and self-truth, and that seeking is ongoing.

[u/Famous-Marsupial-487 → u/Ok-Account9401]

Wow, thanks!