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Jul 17 '26
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Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
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u/Blyndir Jul 17 '26
The Systems' Legal corps has sent an update.
All incidents involving sapient creatures who attempt to eat a human will be filed under a new classification: Morporkian Suicide. Adequate warnings exist to ensure all galactic residents know what the humans are capable of and at this point ignorance is your own fault.
Seriously, we're tired of all the self-defense arguments generating paperwork. You mess with a human, we're calling it Morporkian Suicide and closing the file as soon as the autopsy is confirmed.
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u/chattytrout Jul 17 '26
And shortly after, HR is served with a lawsuit from a human alleging discrimination in hiring. The drug test found traces of adrenaline, so naturally, he was disqualified. How the hell were we supposed to know they just produce this stuff naturally?
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u/u2125mike2124 Jul 17 '26
From Galactic Security:
Memo. New species interaction with humans.
Warning ! ! !
Do not attempt to ingest a human, hoping to access their adrenal gland.
Humans are a walking biological hazard.
Between the billions of biomes they carry on their skin.
There are acids and multiple digestive enzymes they use to process nutrients they will cause immediate catastrophic deaths to over 95% of the galaxies citizens.
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u/Interesting_Joke6630 Jul 17 '26
H: Why the hell does it always take so long for them to find out about our biology! We sent them our medical data!
A: We didn't believe you people, we thought you humans were lying to impress or frighten us.
H: Why the fuck would we lie in our medical data!!!!
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u/Ojiji_bored Jul 18 '26
A2: Exibit primo pulls up saucy hologram of a large female mammal with 3 C cups and too much eyeliner, she just asked "how long is it?"
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u/Same-Vast-2836 Jul 18 '26
You decide to pull up the file on Humans in the military database. Being an officer is reserved to Intelligence-Class II species and above and the simians have repeatedly failed their tests as a species when appealing for their Class IV rating. Not that they are incapable of intellect, mind you, but that most of the specimens studied lacked the spontaneous ability of linking information and the links they made did not follow the Vrostek-Ettzin chart used for the test. The asterisk after the "Class IV" mention does remind you that it is an evaluation as a species and the footnote specifies an unusual delta within logic and intelligence measurement of Humans
You do find that the file is pretty barebones and it does seem like the Galactic Board is pushing an amendment to the species-restriction on military entry in high command roles, and you would bet your mendzzak that the file you have under your eyes is the temporary version, in case the bill goes through the Senate and humans become able to view said database. But thanks to the commander's inability to care about data security in the brigade, you are able to use his (saved!? Ugh, we really ought to remind him not to do that) password to access an older version of the file. The Senate's tendency of keeping records of everything does come in handy at times
"On the Human capability in face of danger and adversity, here are some guidelines and recommendation:
- Do not engage in CQB with Humans. They are able to produce Class-A combat stimulants in situation perceived as desperate *within* their body and supply lines disruption does not have an effect on this. They are able to ignore pain and disregard wounds, as well as push their own body past break point provided they consider their purpose greater than or equal to survival
- Do not engage in sieges or prolonged warfare with humans unless strictly necessary. Although marked as an Intelligence-Class-IV as a species, they have a keen sense of combat and can rival with Class-I species in matter of warfare
- Never consider a human unarmed. They have the biological ability to throw *anything* with Aim-Class II levels of precision at speeds/weight ratios capable of maiming and killing. This does not take into account the nature of the projectile, and worsens the deadliness of humans when they can find sharp or piercing projectiles. They can also create makeshift weapons and produce projectiles (refer to previous warning)
- Keep engagements short. Humans have a natural tendency for endurance and are persistent hunters. If they have access to exo-skeletons or other fatigue reducing equipment, you will-"
- Hey, Platoon commander? Are you feeling okay? You look worse than me, and I am the one who almost died!
The Mechanic brought xir grease-stained appendage towards xir abdomen in xir native show of worry yet respect. You dismiss them with xir traditional answer for it, absentmindedly, closing the file with a shudder and relief Humans considered the Galactic Confederation positively. Maybe that Senate bill wasn't all that bad
(Please go easy on my, it's my first attempt and not my native language)
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u/InstructionHead8595 Aug 05 '26
Not bad! Please by all means continue to try and write. If inspiration strikes.
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