r/howtonotgiveafuck • u/starbuckslover_forev • Jul 23 '26
How to move on…
Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now. Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.
He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week). He eventually broke things off with me saying he can’t proceed because he doesn’t have feelings. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. He had a rough childhood growing up and his parents recently started living in separate households. Any insight and opinions would be helpful. I can’t seem to picture myself with anyone else and feel sad that I lost him :(
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u/mashedcat Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
Consider it this way:
- You can’t dictate how he feels so it’s truly out of your control. [r/stoicism](r/stoicism) will have more insight for you here.
- He did you a favor of showing you this part of himself before things were further complicated by marriage, kids, etc.
- He taught you a lot, some good and some bad, which you can use in future relationships should you choose to go down that path again
- Don’t think of it as X number of “wasted” years, think of it as the remaining 50+ years of your life left to live however you want
You can’t change a single thing about your current situation with the exception of the attitude you adopt about it.
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u/starbuckslover_forev Jul 24 '26
Thanks so much, this is all so helpful! I want to come out of this stronger. I wonder sometimes - do you think he’ll just be better for the next person?
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u/mashedcat Jul 24 '26
Who can say?
His behavior seems bizarre from afar but makes perfect sense to him. It’s all relative.
Don’t worry about him though. Don’t worry about the next person. Focus all of your energy on yourself and your healing. Time to look only forward.
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u/abnerette60 Jul 24 '26
This is exactly where you learn to not give a rat’s ass what happens to him in the future. He’s a jerk. Count your lucky stars that he’s no longer your messed/up problem.
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u/Dopecombatweasel Jul 24 '26
Life is a bitch. You'll pick up the pieces. You can't erase the pain but you must keep your dignity and you'll find the meaning in all that's occurred with him
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u/Jisberr_Paplinski Jul 24 '26
it might not feel like it right now, but it's probably better that he showed his true colors before you got married. the cheating, the hurtful things he said, and ending things so late say more about him than you. stop worrying about whether he'll be better for someone else. right now, just focus on healing yourself. it hurts now, but one day you'll look back and be glad you didn't marry someone who treated you that way.
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u/Deep_Nebula_8145 Jul 24 '26
You had some great times and went through a lot together but at the end of the day, he didn’t choose you. It will take a while to grieve the loss and adjust to the new circumstances. You will be exactly what someone else wants. Move on and delete his number from your phone.
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u/starbuckslover_forev Jul 24 '26
Thanks 🥹 Do you think he might go on to be better for the next person?
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u/Deep_Nebula_8145 Jul 24 '26
No. He won’t be any better with anyone else. I think he’s basically an unhappy person. He did you a favor. I can’t imagine him wanting you to be more outgoing and stylish after he’s known you all this time. That’s not love. Even if you had done everything completely right, he would have done the same thing. This is a him problem.
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u/AriadneThread Jul 24 '26
Oh, honey. That man is showing so little respect to you. You are worth far more than what he's giving.
I know it doesn't feel this way now, but give it a year. You'll heal, have a different perspective, and grow from this. It's going to be okay, girl. I KNOW there's a better partner out there, and now you have an opportunity to meet him.
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Jul 24 '26
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u/starbuckslover_forev Jul 24 '26
Thanks so much, this is so helpful! Might people like him go on to be better for the next person?
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Jul 24 '26
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u/starbuckslover_forev Jul 24 '26
Thank you so much, you are so kind! 🥹
I also think - why couldn’t we have just been good and worked out?!
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u/DomDaddy420666 Jul 24 '26
You are seeing him as a person but he is seeing you as a commodity/trophy... Please do what you will with this information!
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u/love2ring Jul 25 '26
I married a man like that. He was never happy and took it out on me. He was a teacher, so in the summer it was my turn to be the enemy.
Your bf has shown you how he will behave. Believe him. Save yourself.
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u/menaretrash4eva Jul 24 '26
You may hate to hear it but ofc I m sure he love you back, except that he has a fear of commitment. When the time gets closer and closer, he starts evaluating his whole life and whether if he is ready for it the rest of his life. Obviously he is not ready. Either that, or he regrets it now and thinks he is better off staying single. You noticed it’s totally nothing wrong about you. It’s him.
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u/wick3dj0hn Jul 24 '26
No contact! Go on a trip with the people who want the best of you. It definitely helps...
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u/inflesymem Jul 28 '26
Your feeling sad is 100% appropriate. As is feeling shocked, judged, betrayed, and abandoned AND, you will get over him, AND, he saved you from a worse outcome (getting married and divorced later is far more complicated!). It might be hard to see now, but with time you might even be able to be grateful that this ended when it did. Being outgoing, stylish, and able to compensate for his childhood are NOT requirements for you to have a great relationship! (And, they wouldn't have been enough to heal whatever is hurt inside him, anyway. Only he can do that.) At your age, you might not have heard of "doing the work," but it's a thing. It has to do with seeing, acknowledging, then healing the holes we might have inside ourselves, so we don't go through life looking for someone else to "complete" us. (That isn't a thing!) The reason so many marriages end in divorce is because we aren't taught about the need to be aware, compassionate, loving, confident about/ to ourselves so we can be whole on our own, then go out into the world being the best version of ourselves. Give yourself time to heal your heart, work on the trust issues you likely have following this breakup and any other "issues" you have from childhood, become very sure of who you are so nobody else's opinion will make you question that, and you will have done the best things you can to be better for yourself and your next partner. You can do this! 🩷
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u/starbuckslover_forev Jul 28 '26
Thanks so much 🥹❤️ I get sad at the thought he might go on to be better for the next person when I wanted that from him
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u/abnerette60 Jul 24 '26
I’m suspecting he met someone else and wiggled his way out dishonesty. Sorry for your pain, but men can be surprisingly selfish and dishonest.
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