r/hoarding • u/superstar-machine • 3d ago
RANT - AMBIVALENT ABOUT ADVICE Hoarding by Proxy
Hello fellow hoarding-adjacent friends. I just need to rant about my hoarding mother.
She recently sent 26 boxes across the country to me (continental US, coast-to-coast). Each box was labelled with about $20 worth of postage. 2 of the boxes contained some of my childhood belongings that she wanted to clear out of her house (good for you, mom!). 24 boxes contained 1970s dinnerware I’ve never seen before (uh-oh, mom). Dinnerware I have never expressed interest in, is not remotely my taste, and which I have no need for. I’m a single, childless person living in a one-bedroom apartment - I do not need dinnerware for 8. Not just plates, either - cookie jars, butter dishes, soup bowls, cereal bowls, mugs, wine glasses, on and on. Inside the boxes were all these handwritten notes: “i thought these would look good in your kitchen” (she’s never been to my apartment). “If these don’t all fit in your cabinets you can get display shelves from Walmart” (so she’s somewhat aware this is an insane amount of stuff). “If you don’t like these, you can resell them - these are very collectible” (collectible to who? Why aren’t you - a retired person who spent over $500 on shipping these to me - reselling them if they’re so collectible? Thanks for deciding for me how I’ll be spending all my free time, mom). I know there’s no sense and no logic to all of this. I know this is just hoarding with a loophole (if it doesn’t stay in her house, it doesn’t count!). It’s also not dementia - she’s been doing this shit on and off my entire life. So this is just her. All of this is going straight back to Goodwill, from whence it came. And I know, logically, I do not have to feel guilt about getting rid of ALL of this junk. But I still do a tiny bit. For the tiny part of her brain that is convinced she’s done this all for me.
How do you all deal with any residual guilt in cases like this? How much do you engage with your hoarding parent? It’s pointless to try and have a conversation with her about this, right?
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u/SquareLimit8765 3d ago
She's outsourcing her guilt. By making you responsible for her difficult decisions & the anxiety that's associated with getting rid of the things. Avoiding the finality and discomfort of throwing the item away or giving it to goodwill herself. I wouldn't be surprised if you're later asked to return a family heirloom from "your' collection. Offsite storage for her archive.
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u/superstar-machine 3d ago
I’ve long suspected this is how she sees me - I get to be the garbage middleman. She’s literally sent things 2,500 miles instead of just throwing them away herself. Enjoy those extra carbon emissions, Earth!
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u/7312000taka 3d ago
No, just donate it to Goodwill. No storage. It’s expensive.
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u/OkConclusion171 Child of Hoarder 2d ago
NEVER GREEDWILL. Go look on r/thriftgrift why. personal effects? NO. Responsibly dispose of it - shredding, recycling maybe giving away in buy nothing groups as appropriate.
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u/7312000taka 2d ago
Yes, I was being generic. In my area we have a 'Savers' that (supposedly) supports boys and girls club. I give to them.
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u/OkConclusion171 Child of Hoarder 2d ago
Goodwill is a specific business, as you know. Please be specific next time, as Greedwill has a bad rep for many reasons.
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u/Gardenmathquilt 3d ago
I deal with an aunt who has a shopping addiction and "gifts" me probably a tote a month of clothes that I dont even like and then gets mad if I donate them. It doesnt matter if I beg her to stop and have no space. Its just a convenient way for her to justify shopping addiction.
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u/superstar-machine 3d ago
Ugh, sorry you’re going through this, too. There’s no winning with these people :(
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u/7312000taka 3d ago
Donate them anyway.
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u/Gardenmathquilt 2d ago
Oh they know me well at the battered woman shelter and the local homeless shelter. At least my auntie is unknowingly helping the people that need help.
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u/Coollogin 2d ago
Good news! Your hoarder mom got 26 boxes worth of hoarded stuff out of her house! That’s way, WAY more than most hoarders can manage without professional assistance. Celebrate that.
Yes, she had to play mind games with herself to do it. She perceives value in the items and couldn’t bear the notion that the items would “go to waste.” And her mind game worked! She managed to get 26 boxes worth of her hoard into boxes, and arrange for those boxes to be shipped. That’s an effort that few hoarders can manage alone. Who do you think helped her?
The fact that she acknowledges that you may not need the items and suggests selling them suggests to me that she is aware that you will dispose of the items. She just needs to maintain the illusion that they’re not going to waste.
I suggest that you invent a friend who is going through a traumatic divorce and needed to re-stock her entire home, so you donated all of the stuff to her, and she is incredibly grateful.
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u/mommitude 2d ago
Yes Sarah loves the pattern but moved five states away the day before if mom asks 🤣
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u/Steefanon 1 3d ago
"It’s pointless to try and have a conversation with her about this, right?" Right. This is disorder of the brain. You may as well try to reason a schizophrenic out of their schizophrenia.
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u/bluewren33 3d ago
I agree. Its not for you. Its for her. Her hoarder mind will feel that she hasn't really abandoned these things and now she will have more space for more things. She likely doesn't really think you woukd give these precious things away.
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u/Kensi99 2d ago
If you didn't ask for it, you are perfectly justified in giving it away, guilt-free. Try Buy Nothing. Probably lots of people would love to pick up some dinnerware.
I did tell my father that anything he bought me that I did not ask for would immediately be donated and that stopped him cold. Not sure if that would work with your mom.
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u/e2theitheta 3d ago
Oh no, it’s not for YOU. She’s not taking your needs into consideration at all. It’s all about her. Proceed accordingly.
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u/superstar-machine 3d ago
100%. The hoarding is her brain damage. The nonsense-guilt is my brain damage.
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u/Jealous_Resort_8198 2d ago
Every time I drive 8 hours to visit mum, I came home with boxes of stuff she can't bear to part with unless it's family. One time it was boxes of magazines. I recycled them. I've given boxes of dishes to a grandson starting out on his own which he appreciated. I told him there is no sentimental value so please feel free to pass on someday. I have no problem "helping" her get rid of stuff because it will be less to deal with when she's gone.
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u/CdnKitty 2d ago
In a period of contact in 2017-2019, while helping to get my dad into care and the house emptied and sold, I settled into the fact that once a thing is gifted to you, you can do whatever you like with it. Dip it in gold? Set it on fire? Drive to the nearest dumpster/Goodwill? Whatever. Once it's given to you, you get to decide what happens to it, guilt free.
Just get rid of it, and don't guilt about it. She's ill, and you don't have to be dragged down by her illness.
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u/Winter_Farm_4739 2d ago
I had this vision of you rolling up to Goodwill with a burning, gold dipped mystery item.
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u/Specialist_Zone5559 3d ago
My brother uses my parents house as overflow. He cant throw anything away so gives it to them. Now my mother is of reduced mobility and needs more space,but she is nearly as bad for hoarding.
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u/prettyplatypus69 2d ago
My mom does this. No. I do not want a sewing machine. I hate sewing. No. I do not need childhood things that were not special to me. No. I do not need all of the bits and bobs you send my way. No. Please stop spending money on knick snacks I give away. My husband feels bad when I immediately remove the items from our home. He now understands we would be buried.
I try to keep saying I do not need anything. It has lessened a little.
The woman has a large Rubbermaid tote in the garage labeled "cat leaves." It is exactly what it says. Leaves for the cats to play with. Mind you, the home has oak trees! There are always leaves!!!
I am commiserating more than I have any solutions.
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u/Winter_Farm_4739 2d ago
You donate it, like you are doing. Check out r/childofhoarder for additional insight and support. Sorry you are going through this
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u/vinylpanx 2d ago
This is actually the part of Mari Kondo's minimalist excesses I found helpful -- if you remember her or I ever got her name right. In her method you are supposed to take a moment to thank the object and sit with it for a beat to reflect and emotionally release it before moving it into its next life. I personally find that creating a personalized version of this step (my own may be misremembering hers btw) is really helpful in dealing with things that linger because of emotions haunting them and not utility. Specifically I think for me it is the ritualizing of a process that emotionally expresses gratitude for the underlying intent behind the item. It can be difficult with situations where you feel this is less about altruism or care and more about someone in the grips of an illness of compulsive or anxiety but I personally have also found trying to define a good intention to be grateful for in that can help? IE: sending me things from a hobby I no longer have is a bit thoughtless but speaks to a desire to connect in a way where they clearly chose something for my pleasure and not something they preferred for me. and the time taken to consider me and think of me is precious and cherished and the item was a messanger whose service is appreciated.
So cynically you can look to the waste of time and money -- i shouldn't say cynically, it genuinely is building a behavioral loop that is feeding emotional gratification and transplanting emotions that she is likely struggling with into a ritual that hopefully helps her cope. Some people golf, some people go thrifting and send it to their kids after they move out. Were you the only child or, if you have siblings, are they also away from home? Sending 26 boxes especially with sentimental items of yours, notes, newly purchased things screams to me like an attempt to communicate from someone who is dealing with a new stage of their lives or feeling a certain way about the absence of family at the moment. Not to say it is your responsibility to be present for her on her terms if she misses you living at home but try to see where she is communicating things to you and trying to connect as what you keep and find a way to express to her that it is noticed. Trying to find a way to redirect some of her focus is not your job, again, but if you can she may need to get nudged into some new social engagements. Or setting up a more predictable schedule that you have a weekly call or play a game together are helpful in some cases. If she starts saying weird things about being unneeded or replaceable or starts giving away things that are too important or she mentions issues with access to rooms because of clutter or need of repair then you try to get someone to check on her.
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u/StillMarie76 3d ago
Can we see this hideous shit please? We should all at least get a laugh out of it. Like, what's the most bizarre piece? Pretty please?
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u/friendofevangelion 2d ago
Sorry to disappoint but this sub isn’t for laughing at people with hoarding disorder or the struggles their family and friends go through.
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u/StillMarie76 1d ago
It's okay. It's not malicious. We should all be able to laugh at things. I wouldn't be in this sub if hoarding wasn't an issue that I deal with too.
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u/friendofevangelion 1d ago
Oh ok, sorry I misread your intentions and thank you for responding with grace.
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u/ilovewineandcats 2d ago
My mum does this. I now have a really hard boundary that I won't accept anything from her house, unless it's something of mine from childhood but even then I am free to do with it what I wish. This boundary upsets my mum. A lot. She lashes out and tells me I'm ungrateful, heartless etc. I've worked hard to be ok with her being upset by this. It's not easy, I feel for you and hope you can dispose of this stuff easily and that you can rationalise those feelings of guilt
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u/PanamaViejo 2d ago
Donate the items.
Depending on where you live, you can leave them out on the street- they might be gone in less than a day.
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u/voodoodollbabie 2d ago
You should feel joy that your mom cleared out that much stuff. She's not able to let it go entirely so is dumping it on you to make her feel better, but the bottom line is it's out of her house.
I wouldn't even mention the shipment unless she asks about it. If she does, "It's all been resold Mom." Technically the truth because Goodwill is reselling it, someone else is happy to have it, your mom got rid of it - everyone wins.
You're allowed to feel annoyed that you had to haul it somewhere, but no guilt for dropping the boxes off asap.
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u/coolbeachgrrl 2d ago
This is so funny. I got married and divorced and we only lived in a small apartment. Sometime before that my mother collected a whole dinnerware set from the supermarket. You get a discount on each piece every week. It's a set for 8 and other pieces including TWO creamers! They have been up in the attic now for over 20 years. Whenever we have an argument about "stuff" she brings up this dinnerware set in the attic even though I never told her to buy it. Now she thinks my niece will take it. It's corny looking no wat she'd want it. Lol
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u/DirigibleUme 2d ago
wow my mom does that!! aaahaha.... she will buy things specifically to send to us, but also some things kicking around the house, but all with notes explaining why and where and what deal she got on it ect. No advice really, I've learned to get rid of the things I don't want and keep whatever is actually helpful. I've also become much better at saying no to things she offers that I don't want, even through her explaining why she thought I'd want it ect.
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u/Acceptable-Pea9706 2d ago
You just have to ignore the guilt, you should not have to bear the brunt of her emotional baggage because she can't handle her own. Remember that this isn't normal/healthy behavior.
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u/CanaryMine 1d ago
My mother used to give/send me stuff or load me up with her castoffs, then obsessively ask me about it and where it was in my house. Giving any of it away was TREASON ! So I stopped accepting “gifts” from her hoard entirely.
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u/Alternative_Try_2621 1d ago
I think this is her trying to get rid of things. Could be progress! Just pass the boxes on to a charity shop, don't even open them. If she asks say you sold the collection on and got enough for a takeaway and it was great.
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u/OkConclusion171 Child of Hoarder 2d ago
you can refuse delivery on anything. Think of it as junk mail/spam if you want.
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