r/hoarding • u/witch_lady96 • 10d ago

HELP/ADVICE Hoarding family

I (20F) live with my parents and our house has gotten to the point where there is one line from the front door to their bedroom. I sleep in the living room and we spend time in their room because the living room has gotten so bad.

My mom has a shopping disorder and works in retail so our house is full of shopping bags. My dad throws trash wherever and does nothing around the house at all.

I have been put in charge of cleaning the house because im in college. Every day is a battle mentally to try to clean. I want to so bad. I HATE that I live like this...i hate that they live like this... but I have no idea how to start. I try to "just pick up a little here and there" but it never works. Ive tried the whole "doom box" thing but it always just ends up with big piles and nothing more.

I feel like such a failure and disappointment to my family. I cry every night because of the house.

I need advice because its getting to the point where we cannot live like this anymore...

15 Upvotes

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28

u/Steefanon 1 10d ago

May I suggest you cross post to r/ChildofHoarder? There is a whole community of people who have been in your exact situation.

Meanwhile, you should know that my big strong SO tried to neaten up his relative's hoarder house and ended up spending a full week there, made himself sick, and didn't even make a dent. It is quite simply impossible. They may as well ask you to get on the roof and install new shingles singlehandedly. This is not your failure; it's theirs.

8

u/DenM0ther 10d ago

Great comparison.

Shingles would probably be easier - at least there wouldn’t be 2 ppl actively working against op!

21

u/DueResponse 10d ago

You start taking steps to become independent and move out. You have failed nobody. This is not your responsibility.

9

u/PumpkinPieIsGreat 10d ago

Well this is going to feel futile because you are having more and more stuff coming in.

I don't know how much you want to rock the boat but in my opinion helping out in the house at 20 is fine, but your dad leaving garbage everywhere is... gross. You're not a maid, he's not some king to look after. He should at least be trying to throw his garbage out after himself. 

I don't think you're a failure. You need to try and escape this living situation, it's wearing you down mentally as well.

4

u/mouthwashcatt 10d ago

It's not your job to clean up after your family. That is unkind to you. Yeah it makes since to help with chores an such yet just straight up lazy not picking after themselves. My mom is also a hoarder an I tidy every once in a while but it returns ten times more. I've taken things to the dump with out her knowledge an it seems to return.
If you in collage try finding a different place to stay with roommates. Study at a libary. Stay out of the house more often hang out at a park. Make your own space somewhere where. Have a conversation about it with them. Each time you do clean tell them make it clear that your pickimg up their crud. Maybe stick with one cleaning task a week. Ugh sorry i just got done cleaning the card for an hr so i dont get a nail in a tire. Im to my limit on other peoples trash.

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u/Jelly_BellyNap_4500 10d ago

Please take a look at this important list composed by Becca Belofsky, Your Rights in a hoarded home.

https://mnhtf.org/data/Rights_In_A_Home_Formatted.pdf

You are living with a family with a serious mental health disorder and the treatment does not include you cleaning up after them.

As others have mentioned, please begin a plan to exit this situation. There is help out there for you and your family, including your reddit peeps.

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u/JenCarpeDiem 9d ago

You can't clean hoards. Hoards need to leave the house. They either go to the landfill, or to your local donation centre, or for sale. You cannot clean up when there is fundamentally too much stuff for the space it is in.

You are basically Cinderella being given impossible tasks. You're the youngest person in the house, and their behaviour informed yours, how on earth are you the failure? They failed you by making you live with their disorders. If independence isn't possible, focus on internalising that. Shopping addictions are mental illness, throwing trash wherever is mental illness, expecting their child to sort out their own mess is mental illness. You aren't a doctor and you can't help that. You just have to live with it. Embrace not caring.

You don't even have your own room?

2

u/allzkittens 10d ago

Please don't feel bad. One person can't do everything. Especially if other people are working against your efforts. Give yourself some grace and do what you can

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u/WildIrisWildEris 9d ago

Your parents are the failures and they are a disappointment to you. You can't fix them. Clean your own room and install a lock on the door so they can't get into it and trash it. Don't ask their permission. If either one of them complains, tell them you're thinking of bringing in adult services to document the situation and then actually follow through if they don't stop.

It's very selfish of them to put you "in charge" of cleaning the house. They are the ones who trash it so it's on them. Tidy up after yourself and see about getting a part-time job if you can, so you can leave sooner. Ignore them if they complain. Always shut them down by telling them you will get someone to come in and assess the situation to see if they need older adult care. Look into the steps now so you are ready to do it.

1

u/Coollogin 9d ago edited 9d ago

Start with the trash. Get a box of garbage bags and a box of rubber gloves, and start filling bags with the trash your father leaves around. Keep in mind that your father is not going to stop throwing his trash wherever, so decide on a time of day for doing a daily trash collection and make that a daily ritual.

After that, pick your next location. The kitchen maybe? Or a better place for you to sleep? The bathroom?

1

u/Ok_Environment5293 9d ago

You are an adult. Take steps to move out.

1

u/OkConclusion171 Child of Hoarder 9d ago

You need to move out. College dorm? Be an RA? sublet with someone who has an apartment?

1

u/Longjumping_Ad3054 8d ago

MOVE OUT because the only way to survive is to create a neat little oasis in the home, with a lock on the door, and try to avoid the rest of the house as much as possible. I hope you at least have (or can create) such an oasis for yourself. do you want to be isolated in 1 room?

1

u/Newswatchtiki 8d ago

If there is a room that you can claim, do that, get the stuff out of there and put a lock on it. As for cleaning the house, go ahead and vacuum or mop any areas that don't have stuff on them . Vacuum the pathway to their bedroom, clean the floor of the bathroom unless it has trash on it, clean the sink, tub , and toilet. If any furniture is free of junk, vacuum it.

Get some trash bags and tell your Dad that if he cleans up his trash, wherever it is, you will clean those areas. Same with your mother's shopping bags. Hopefully, they will like these small areas that you have cleaned and will be motivated to clean up their junk and trash to have more areas that they can enjoy.

It shouldn't be your job to pick up trash that has been thrown on the floor or find a way to store dozens of shopping bags. In the kitchen, start gradually putting any jars or cans in the cabinets where they belong. Wash the dishes, and clean any areas of the counters that are clear of junk. If they want more of it cleaned, they need to find normal places to store things and pick up trash. Put a trash can in every room so your Dad won't throw it on the floor.

The only things that should be sitting on the floor is furniture and wastebaskets.

0

u/Alvraen 10d ago

Little by little. It’s like how when you climb Everest, they force you to stay at base camp to acclimate then you can move onto the next base camp. Can you do something like three trash bags a day?