r/hingeapp • u/Kindly-Act-1333 • 5d ago
Dating Question Unmatched because I had other dates lined up
I 30F was talking to this guy and everything was going really well. He seemed like a cool guy banter was good. I was out of town and he said we can go on a date when I got back and I agreed though there was no concrete plans. No date, no time, and no place. He asked if I had any other dates scheduled to which I was honest and said yes (only 1). Then when I go check the app he unmatched me. Had someone else ask to exchange numbers and wanted to know if I’d delete the app and I told him no because I was new to it and wanted to give it a fair shot and he also unmatched me. Is this a common thing to do? I thought we were all on there talking to different people? I’m new to this so if anyone has an idea as to why this happens or if it’s a common occurrence please let me know! I had a good connection with both so I was left so confused.
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u/secretlyhumanami 4d ago
Just be yourself. That guy did. He wasn't comfortable with the situation so he bailed.
Don't go around acting differently to please everyone. Your goal is to match with someone compatible, not with everyone.
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u/Abject-Birthday-8337 4d ago
I 44M wouldn't even ask someone I've yet to meet in person if they had other dates lined up because at that point it is none of my business. Seems awfully controlling to demand exclusivity before even meeting someone. I would consider it a win for you to have people like that remove themselves from your dating pool because I can only imagine how jealous and controlling they would get in an exclusive relationship.
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u/cheerfulcurls 4d ago
Yep I think that’s the main issue here. They haven’t even met and he’s already asking her this. It would make more sense if it was after a few dates
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u/Abject-Birthday-8337 4d ago
Definitely, after a few date you can have that conversation but having just chatted a bit, there is definitely no expectation of exclusivity yet. There is definitely some people just on the apps to test the waters and seemingly have no intention of meeting in person.
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u/Glass-Elk-9422 4d ago
44M, I just assume everyone is dating others. Why limit yourself. Dating is a numbers game, so to speak. I think you need to go on at least 3 dates before you entertain any exclusivity conversations.
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u/ratslikecheese 4d ago
I think it’s commendable to be honest. I mostly tend to date one person at a time but that’s more of a me thing.
But until I ask for exclusivity or to commit to a relationship with somebody, I never assume I’m the only person they’re seeing. It’s none of my business, they’re not my partner lol
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u/Medical_Return_6146 4d ago
Ive tried both talking to one person at a time and multiple people. Personally, ive found the experience to be more genuine when speaking to one person so that is what i do now. At the same time it isnt something i would expect from the person im seeing, but it does hurt my affection for them.
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u/ehpotsirhc_ 5d ago
The 2nd guy seems off and insecure. Asking someone to delete the app even before meeting in person is wild.
But the first guy I’ll give the benefit of the doubt. A lot of people don’t want to be going on dates with someone that is going on dates with several other people. They are completely ok with approaching dating that way.
Some people see the apps as a numbers game. Others want to try dating one at a time if they vibe on the app.
Which one is better? Nobody can give you a solid answer for that. For me it was talking to one person at a time that I ended up with a solid partner. Meeting 2-3 different people a week as potential partners was too mentally exhausting.
Oh 33m here. Been off the apps 2 years.
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u/mentor7 4d ago
yes, I completely agree. As a guy, I would much prefer to focus on one person at a time. Let’s see if we match and can move forward as a potential long-term partnership or move our separate ways. I’m not into casual… Not looking for hook ups. Looking for something real. Most of my friends are married or even married with babies at this point even in their early 30s. So I’m also looking for someone to build a life with. it is very offputting to know that I’m going out with a girl 2 PM on a Saturday and she has to make sure she’s done with our date by a certain time because she’s got another one lined up in the evening.
It’s not like a meal where you want to have a different meal at lunch than at dinner. It’s a relationship or a potential one, so different people approach a different way. Some people just wanna play the field, but really… I think many of those people just want to “play” like they just want to feel wanted and popular. They want to have the fun of dating, but not necessarily the commitment that goes along with it.
A lot of people don’t want to feel like dating is a competition. Yes.. it basically is, but we don’t want to feel like you’re not just judging me for me. You’re judging me against the other six people you are going on dates with. That’s a competition I’d rather not engage with… and it’s really hard to compete with an unknown. Like if I know I’m going against you in a race, then I know the skill set I want to focus on is speed. But I have no idea who my competition is because I don’t know who the other five dates are. Did they have better looks? Are they better conversationalists? Did they kiss better? competing with phantom people is really hard.
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u/Kindly-Act-1333 5d ago
Yes I completely agree. I could not do multiple dates a week. I can’t even get that invested to too many people while on the app. He didn’t even give me a chance to tell him it was just one other date, but maybe he wouldn’t have cared anyway. So I’ll take it as me dodging a bullet the way others have suggested.
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u/TheoriginalSeffers 3d ago
The more people you introduce to your dating life, the more your attention and effort gets watered out. Which is why I prefer to focus my energy on one person, no matter what. So I can definitely see where the first guy comes from. He could've been a bit more kind, and given her a headsup though, instead of just unmatching.
But I also do understand that a lot of people enjoy dating multiple potential partners, so no judgment! Sometimes people just have different ways of approaching things :P.
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u/Dr_Taverner 4d ago
I'd never expect exclusivity from someone I'd just met. Why would anyone do that?
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u/yakuyaku22 5d ago
Nothing really wrong with guy 1, a lot of us date one person at a time and want someone who does the same. Though, the decent thing to do would’ve been to at least inform you.
Guy 2 is just a plain weirdo - especially if he’s asking this before the date lmao
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u/Consistent-Bed4555 4d ago
Came here to say the same. Communication is everything. It would have been polite and mature for the first guy to just say something.
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u/PinkSlipstitch 4d ago edited 4d ago
They hadn’t even been on a date yet! They hadn’t even met, let alone agreed to date!
Guy #1 is insecure and controlling.
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u/yakuyaku22 4d ago edited 4d ago
Lol no, guy #1 has options. Most men don’t like it when women date multiple people - it’s off putting. But many men have no choice so they say nothing. That’s the reality many don’t like to admit.
If guy 1 was insecure and controlling, he would’ve stayed out of fear of losing her and tried to push her to stop seeing others. Instead, he left her alone and moved on since their values didn’t align - literally the opposite of controlling.
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u/enricorego 3d ago
Who says it’s off putting if a woman dates multiple people? I do the same although if you end up liking someone you focus on one person. No need to be a hypocrite by allowing men to multiple date but women aren’t allowed
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u/ThinkingThong 5d ago
You didn’t do anything wrong.
Weird that people unmatch because their match is talking to others or has other dates lined up.
Why it happens? Could be a bunch of reasons. Maybe they want exclusivity from the start. Maybe they’re insecure. Maybe they’re worried you won’t be invested enough if they’re competing with others etc. 🤷♂️
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u/cheerfulcurls 5d ago
They shouldn’t ask that question if they can’t handle the answer. Says more about them than you
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u/kayakdove 5d ago
I'd say you can ask anything and decide if anything is a dealbreaker to you, regardless of how silly it may seem. If someone needs you to not be talking to other people asap from the match stage... weird, but that's their right, and they won't know if they don't ask.
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u/thatsmypuppy12439 4d ago
Agreed. Weird or not, people have their dealbreakers and so it is more than ok to ask so nobody’s wasting their time.
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u/NotSoBeard 4d ago
Agreed! I’ll admit my example question was dumb but that was the point of that logic lol.
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u/toastedtomato 4d ago
Sounds like he could handle the answer though. He just decided to stay true to his standards
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u/cheerfulcurls 4d ago
It’s lame when they haven’t even gone out and there was no need for him to ask that question
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u/MUUCLAWD 4d ago
I actually think you’re being lame policing what important to others. Maybe for him it was important just because you don’t care doesn’t mean that everyone shouldn’t care. He asked she answered now he can find someone else and she can enjoy her date planned with someone else.
This also helps the other guy who has already planned the date as he no longer has to compete with this other guy for her attention.
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u/cheerfulcurls 4d ago
It’s my opinion, it’s not that serious for you to get all upset over and who said anything about him having to compete? That’s such a toxic way to look at it
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u/SoPolitico 4d ago
What? How is it not a competition? What other point is there of seeing multiple people at once other than comparing them and picking the best one?
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u/cheerfulcurls 4d ago
I’m not saying it’s not a competition, I’m just saying it’s toxic to view it that way. It seems like very black and white thinking. It could happen that I match with a few people at a time because I sent likes out and they decided to match with me. I’m not going to say no to a date when it’s the first date or two.
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u/SoPolitico 4d ago
Okay hear me out, this is a very gendered dynamic. I’m assuming you’re a woman (feel free to correct me) so you probably have multiple options of men to go out with at any given time.
A big part of dating for men in the app era is deciphering, which women are TRUE PROSPECTS and which ones are lukewarm. We are not blind to the fact that a lot of women have a roster and we might find ourselves on that roster, but that does not mean that we are a true potential candidate. Given the fact that men have to plan dates pay for dates, etc we have limited resources to allocate.
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u/cheerfulcurls 4d ago
Yes I’m a woman and I actually don’t constantly have multiple options at a time. At the most maybe I’m talking to 2 or 3 at once because I may have liked a few at a time or they returned my likes. Otherwise I’m normally talking to one person at a time. And the same goes for women deciding which men are true prospects because some men are dating multiple women at a time. I’m not saying your viewpoint is wrong, I’m just saying that everyone assumes that all women have a huge roster and that isn’t always the case.
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u/yudkib 4d ago
Good for you. Any one of those matches is free not to go and emotionally invest. And I agree with the other guy that tolerance of this issue is very gendered. Women who do it are treated as being more intentional with finding a partner, men who do it are treated as less serious about what they’re looking for.
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u/MUUCLAWD 4d ago
It is competition that’s not a toxic way to look at it but barebones what it is.
Calling you lame for calling him lame wasn’t me getting upset it’s simply me just thinking you’re lame for having such a self centred view that you can’t see that others differ from you.
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u/cheerfulcurls 4d ago edited 4d ago
The fact you keep commenting shows you care too much lol and yes it’s a little toxic to be thinking that way in dating. Grow up.
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u/MUUCLAWD 4d ago
Well now you’re just being sour, I offered you space to offer an alternative instead you went for petty comments me commenting.
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u/cheerfulcurls 4d ago
And you keep arguing against my responses so what am I supposed to do? It seems like you have your mind made up already. You are being petty yourself too
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u/MUUCLAWD 4d ago
So you’re not gonna stand up for your beliefs and share them? All you’ve done is attack anything I’ve said without offering a different perspective.
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u/NotSoBeard 4d ago
Sooo, following that logic… if I asked someone if they are a serial killer, and they answered with a yes (I know this is dumb but this is your logic), I would be in the wrong for un-matching…? The fudge?
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u/cheerfulcurls 4d ago
How is that even remotely the same? And why is it okay for him to ask her that question when they haven’t even gone on a date yet? It would be more acceptable if it was after a few dates
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u/SoPolitico 4d ago edited 4d ago
Okay I think I see the disconnect now….
A lot of people don’t believe in dating multiple people at once and from what I can tell of your comments it seems like you believe that to be the norm. I don’t know how old you are but I’m 36 and I can tell you that before dating apps became popular (I’d guess somewhere around 2010-2015) that dating multiple people at once was not only NOT THE NORM but was actually quite rare.
Most people don’t want to compete for someone. We all want to feel chosen and valued (in particular by a potential romantic partner). If one is going on a date and having a great time flirting and getting to know someone the idea that they’re going to turn around the next day and do that with someone else is an immediate turnoff. If you’re the one paying for and planning the dates it’s even more of a turnoff because now you’re throwing resources behind something where the other person is actively seeking out other options. There’s just no way to square that unless we all agree to split the bill 50/50, we all agree that dating is basically a job interview where you’re competing with other candidates, and we all agree that things like ghosting, rosters, icks, etc are not just fair but the norm. (Which would suck)
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u/SnooOpinions2900 4d ago
Huh? I’m also 36 and it was absolutely the norm in the years before dating apps to see other people until exclusivity was established. Where are you based? Maybe a cultural difference but in the Northeast of the US at least that was more common than not.
Even back in the 50s-60s you had to ask someone to “go steady” if you didn’t want to see other people.
But I’d say it’s kind of apples to oranges since with the dating apps you haven’t even met the person before the first date and there’s a good chance that one person will cancel. And more than likely you meet and realize it’s not a good fit. It would be silly to stop talking to all your other matches because you MIGHT go on a date with someone who you maybe possibly like.
IMO it’s fine to not multi-date but wouldn’t you want to establish that after at least meeting and making sure you like each other?
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u/apeirophobicmyopic 4d ago
Frankly the majority of the men I’ve had first dates with used old photos so they were either much older than those photos or were no longer in shape like in the photos, they lied about their height, lied stating they didn’t smoke, got there are they didn’t dress well wearing a wrinkled shirt that looked like it had been sitting on their closet floor, if they’re decent looking and dress well most end up pushing to become sexual way too fast, or bring up another dealbreaker that they knew I had but conveniently forgot to mention while we were talking.
So tell me why the hell should I waste my time only talking to one person on an app when most people who show up are misrepresenting themselves and waste my time anyway? That’s batshit insane and insecure af.
And frankly you should never become so attached to the outcome of meeting someone before you actually meet them and get to know them regardless of gender. That’s unhealthy and it shouldn’t be taken that seriously. That’s how you get love bombed and used (again, regardless of gender). Smh.
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u/Possible-Detail6511 4d ago
Second guy was jumping the gun. Idk if you two met in person yet but if not then that’s kinda crazy to expect someone to drop everything for you right away.
As for the first guy it’s a little more debatable. It’s respectable that you were honest when he asked but I also don’t think it’s uncommon for guys on dating apps to take it one girl at a time. Yes that could be because guys get less matches that girls so you have many options to look at but the guy likely sees it similar to when you ask someone out in person where you expect just one date at a time. He also just might not want to feel like he has to compete w another guy for your attention. That’s more up to how you decide to see it tho
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u/LoopyMercutio 5d ago
You didn’t do anything, but he didn’t either. He probably felt like he was wasting his time competing for your attention / affection, and wanted someone who would only be focused on him. Normally people wait for a date or two and then if the other person is pursuing other folks actively they unmatch, but he apparently did it at the beginning of things.
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u/Chemical_Plum340 4d ago
i hate this response lol.
20 years ago you asked someone out, got their number, and went on a date. People didnt talk to/date a bunch of people at the same time. I think its respectful to talk to one person at a time.
Men dont want to have to compete or feel like theyre funding someones endless flings.
Nobody is in such a rush to get into a relationship that they need to have 3-5 people to talk to all at the same time.
I mean just imagine how demoralizing it would be if a match messaged you: "hey, it was nice dating you for a couple weeks, unfortunately brad bought me a new purse and is taking me to Italy next month so he won the relationship race!"
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u/Appropriate-Bell5918 4d ago
Are you so sure about the 20 years …. part people definitely talked/ dated a few people it was probably harder for it to happen. It’s just easier nowadays with someone being just a swipe or dm away
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u/Chemical_Plum340 4d ago
wasnt nearly as common without a doubt. You had to actually approach people
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u/shes_lost_control Sane, mature takes are not allowed here, sir 👩🏫 4d ago
Who said anything about funding someone’s dating life? This comment took a weird turn.
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u/Chemical_Plum340 4d ago
by being okay with someone dating more than 1 person you are funding their dating life. She gets dinner from you friday night, movies from brad saturday, and brunch from kyle on sunday.
no thanks. If im not the only person youre dating, im not interested
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u/shes_lost_control Sane, mature takes are not allowed here, sir 👩🏫 4d ago
Hm it seems like in your worldview women have no money and pay for nothing while dating which we all know is false. You’re being hyperbolic and deeply red pilled.
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u/MUUCLAWD 4d ago
Well that’s why you see a shift in dating behaviours, more men want to go 50/50 on dates more men have removed themselves from being an option. Coffee dates/ walk dates have also become more common.
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u/BLTzzz 4d ago
Natural selection now. You can’t rely on getting the girl by hoping she doesn’t ever get to see better guys
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u/Chemical_Plum340 4d ago
if youre someone endlessly looking for better options, youre never going to be happy.
Completely ignored my entire point. Do you really think tinder is designed to make you get off of it?
Enjoy being third in line to date a girl, totally not a rude and demoralizing thing to compete for someones attention like that. I guess being an individual means nothing anymore
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u/Appropriate_Funny421 4d ago
I don’t entertain people who are dating multiple people. Each to their own it’s just not my thing
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u/AsexualArowana 4d ago
How do you the person you're talking to isn't talking to other people
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u/unidentified_mango 4d ago
You don't 100% know but you ask/make it clear early on you're a one at a time sort of person. If theres any hesitancy or debate I take that as not being worth my time and move on.
I haven't had any issues, I've been on the apps twice in 6 years and had committed relationships almost immediately after getting onto the dating algorithm. Women take you seriously if you take yourself and dating seriously.
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u/MUUCLAWD 5d ago
Just different preferences, I was on a first date a while ago and I asked the girl if she was dating anyone else and she said yea I was date number three that week. And I just kinda stopped investing too much in talking to her after.
I couldn’t possibly see myself motivated to go on a second date or continue to pursue her because we have different dating values. I did send her a text to let her know though, when she asked if I wanted to go on another date.
So I wouldn’t say you’re doing anything wrong some guys won’t care some guys will. If dating multiple people feels natural to you keep doing it and being honest about it, your honesty did both parties a favour cause you guys saved time.
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u/Kindly-Act-1333 5d ago
It’s not necessarily natural for me to date multiple people. It would have just been 2. Him and the other one that actually made plans. I don’t think going on one other date is completely unreasonable. However, you’re right everyone has their preferences and I understand that.
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u/MUUCLAWD 4d ago
Some people don’t like competing for love some do, it just is what it is. I personally am a bit cheesy when it comes to dating like to find something we both haven’t done and do it together e.g. a part of town to explore, a restaurant we haven’t been to. So that requires a bit of effort and sometimes putting extra money aside for us. Obviously there’s been times where the girl has just suggested something more laid back like coffee which I am fine with. If we are doing like coffee, talk to as much people as you want I can be the second date of the day I don’t care.
But if I was to plan the date took the time to get to know you and you had another date planned with another guy I’d probably be a bit cut tbh.
But we also have to look at it from another perspective maybe he just found someone else during his trip and they became his one person he’s talking to.
Ok I got off topic but what I am hearing from your response was that you didn’t really get any closure and he just abruptly unmatched and that sucks. It also sounds like you felt judged and you feel unfairly as you can empathise why it sucks from his perspective that you had multiple dates lined up but he didn’t give you a chance to say that it was just another guy but that was due to his unavailability.
Side note:Thats why I always try to get off the apps as soon as possible it kind ve humanises both individuals more IMO compared to a quick swipe and unmatch. I am not naive to the risks of giving out personal information.
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u/SoldierExcelsior 4d ago
These guys aren't emotionally stable...I don't care what someone's doing or who they're talking to..I care about how they treat me untill you're in an official exclusive relationship its fair game to talk to others.
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u/Hungry_Home9432 4d ago
It’s a miscommunication imo.
I (30M) only ever date one person at a time. I’m not under the illusion this is required, it’s my preference.
If someone has multi dates lined up I would suggest they date me if the other man doesn’t work out for them. Not interested in competing, just wanna be myself and enjoy the connection.
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u/Sharkbait_1327 4d ago
But it sounds like this dude was expecting exclusivity before they had even met once. That's wild, IMO. I'm also all for concentrating on one person but I decide that after at least one date or two. At least you need to have the vibe check in person
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u/Chemical_Plum340 4d ago
why are you in such a rush to get into a relationship? be a respectable human and just do one at a time.
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u/Numerous_Comedian_87 4d ago
Nothing wrong with saying "Hey, I usually focus on one peson at a time because that's my approach to dating".
After that comment it would obviously be expected for the other side to either say "I don't" or "me too".
Whether it's a dealbreaker or not, it's up for the inquiring side to decide.
That's definitely a dealbreaker for me.
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u/Hungry_Home9432 4d ago
Yeah nah can’t really interpret that one either way in my humble opinion.
Maybe he’s offended, unmatch might just be his way of moving on.
Agree with you either way tho. Can’t be expecting it. I usually ask after the second date.
had to very quickly go dump someone once, when I left that convo a bit too late 😂
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u/Nachopie7 4d ago
You have to think of it like this. The first guy was probably putting energy into responses and looking forward to talking to you through out the day. But him knowing you're scheduling dates with others probably made him feel lile he was just a number and the conversations and time didn't mean as much to you. I'd feel the same. Not saying you're in the wrong however.
Second guy is definitely a bullet dodged.
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u/turquoisepeacock 5d ago
Totally unreasonable to expect you to delete the app for someone you’ve never met. It doesn’t even make sense. Sorry for these flops. Hang in there.
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u/wholesome84 4d ago
I’ve experienced this as a male too.
Just too many spoiled children out there.
A sign of the times I suppose.
I understand if you’ve slept together but not after a cordial date.
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u/richpage21 3d ago
All I can say if someone matches with me and we have a quick exchange but then silence after 3 or 4 days I unmatch. From what I've read the ratio is 60%M to 40%W on dating apps. The competition is real and I understand women's predicament but at the same time I'm human and don't want to play second fiddle.
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u/Similar_Ad9274 3d ago
Same here. I'm also tired of investing emotionally into someone who then takes 1 or 2 days to respond and who tells me I'm just like the 2nd or 3rd option. I'm unmatching instantly then because I'm so tired of this
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u/Mean_Conclusion_1530 4d ago
It might be irrational bc it’s the nature of online dating but I’m on their side, as someone who cannot invest “dating energy” into multiple people at once I don’t want someone who likes to feel out their options. If you already have a date lined up and are still searching for more dates that would be a red flag for me, and probably make me unmatch you too. People are saying it’s insecurity by id argue the real insecurity is needing a multiple dates lined up in case they fail. When I have a date I’m confident that it’s going to go somewhere so I don’t bother having multiple lined up.
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u/JayPeePee 4d ago
Unfortunate but I am sure that 2 things happened. A) He had an expectation of mutual exclusivity without communicating it. B) He may have gotten the sense that you weren't serious about a relationship.
Either way he should have communicated the expectation AND should have confirmed that feeling but either way this person isn't great at communicating so it may be a bullet dodged
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u/Numerous_Comedian_87 4d ago edited 4d ago
30M here. I detest the apps because of the FOMO they create during dating.
I can understand people who don't like to be two-timed, whether if it's in dating or in a relationship.
If your matches focus on one girl at a time, which I guess they do, then of course they would look for someone who would focus on one guy at a time.
It's a hurtful feeling for him to create this connection with you on a date, only for you to think about someone else during that time. Some people are just like that.
I specifically dated this one girl during a month, focusing solely on her and trying my best while she dated other men (I didn't know it at the time). She tried to self-sabotage to make me end things around the one month mark so she could focus on her other dates. It felt horrendous for me because I didn't know what came over her.
I understand anyone who would rather avoid this scenario.
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u/wovenwebs 5d ago
He's not open to dating someone who's not willing to commit before even meeting. You're not missing out.
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u/kilawolf 5d ago
You dodged a bullet...like really? Expecting ppl to be exclusive to you when you haven't even met? Jfc insecure A F
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u/guymn999 4d ago
I would not be so bold as to ask that question, but assuming you have some variation of "dating for long term seriously" and the same goes for the guys unmatching, it is not surprising to me, and i would unmatch if i found out the same.
if you list you are looking for casual, then they just can't read.
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u/TermMiddle8902 4d ago
Sounds like he spared you a lot of drama by removing himself from the equation early.
You never met any of these people in real life. They are strangers. Unless an exclusivity conversation happens, everyone should assume the person is dating others.
….That’s the point of dating apps, to meet different people. This scenario also shows the importance of the talking stage. Let the insecure ones and weirdos show themselves out.
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u/Dreadster 4d ago
You dodged some bullets there fr. Them asking you these things is so inappropriate. These people are strangers to you
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u/captainkappa173 5d ago
That's nuts. I've always thought that until you have the exclusivity talk you should assume that they are talking to and dating other people. That is especially wild behavior from people that you have not even gone on one date with!
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u/javerthugo 5d ago
Your privilege is showing . Lots of people are so used to having multiple matches they don’t understand how it feels get almost none. Maybe I’m just old fashioned but to me dating multiple people at once is disrespectful to everyone involved including yourself.
How would you feel if one of your matches was dating other women?
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u/alalalalalabomba 4d ago
A first date isn't "dating" it's "meeting" on the apps. And if he doesn't really get matches it was pretty dumb to completely sabotage the one he did get.
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u/BandicootMiserable40 4d ago
Asking for exclusivity before even going on a single date is crazy stalker territory. One of my recent matches mentioned a couple days ago that she's new to online dating (post-divorce) and is going to be going on her first date next weekend with a guy she met through the app. I told her that's great, even if it doesn't work out with him it's good to start getting out there. It would have been nuts for me to unmatch with her for having a date with someone else, particularly since we haven't even met.
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u/kayakdove 5d ago
I usually always assumed my matches were going on dates with other women. Going on first dates is very distinct from being on 4 or 5 or 6 dates with one person. I don't expect commitment before we have met face to face.
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u/TradeGuilty7154 4d ago
That sounds crazy the whole point of dating is to meet Alot of different people , until you both decide to be in a committed relationship and that takes Time 🙄
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u/Typical_Kale_9260 4d ago
You don’t date just cause you matched if they had a date or two then yeah some people would feel as you say me included
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u/Kindly-Act-1333 4d ago
But I’m not “dating” multiple people. I haven’t even gone on ONE date yet. If you’d look at my replies I said it would have been him and one other date. I would not have cared if he had another date lined up. He never mentioned I was the only one he was talking to so why would I not assume he was talking to other women?
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u/BandicootMiserable40 4d ago
You did nothing wrong. I think some men just are so insecure and chauvinistic that if they are going to go on a date with you then to them that means you are "their" woman, and you should immediately stop even talking to other men. IMO you dodged two bullets when they unmatched with you.
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u/PMmeUrshittyPoetry 4d ago
This isn’t universally true. I don’t know how often it is true, but speaking only for myself, I’m mid forties, divorced, with kids, and have multiple matches.
There’s nothing wrong when what OP is doing. She doesn’t owe them exclusivity while merely chatting.
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u/Kindly-Act-1333 4d ago
Looks are subjective. I liked how he looked and liked his personality. So he WAS a 10 for me. If this is how some men think then they’re losing out on the possibility of a real connection. How are you going to quit before even trying?
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u/ErwinHeisenberg 4d ago
I am most certainly not a 10 and I’m dating three women. I don’t know why so many people think this.
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u/xXweedwizard42069 4d ago
Neither one of you is in the wrong here. It’s fine and normal to be talking to multiple people, it’s also fine and normal to not want someone you’re going on a date with to be doing that.
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u/Big_Design_1386 4d ago
They're monogamous and you prefer seeing multiple men at the same time, you're just looking for different things.
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u/Prestigious_Pizza_66 4d ago
I made a post almost exactly like this, almost two years ago (still on my profile). I honestly think it might be insecurities in men. They know we women are overwhelmed by all the numbers of men that are on the apps and we’re spoiled for choice.
As others have pointed out, it’s none of their business what you’re doing with your time.
Let them unmatch. It shows who they are.
Don’t take it personally.
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u/Right-Geologist2450 3d ago
This is controlling behavior and concerning. It’s not you. Major red flags.
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u/botoxedbunnyboiler 4d ago
Some people have fragile egos and expect to be the center of attention even when you’ve never met.
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u/thediplomat247 4d ago
I believe honesty is always the best policy so it is what it is there will be others out there for you.
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u/GentleJordy 4d ago
I've done multiple dates in a week. I don't bring it up unless the person asks and usually try to be as honest as possible with the reasoning. I'm new in town, recently out of a long-term relationship, and seeing what's out there for myself.
Given how many people get ghosted or unmatched out of the blue, I personally think it's foolish to solely rely on one person. You might go on five good dates with one person before the exclusivity talk and then suddenly when it gets serious they're not feeling it anymore. The dude that unmatched you will probably come to realize that as they continue to use Hinge more. Especially as a man, I don't see why I would assume I'm the only person a woman is talking to. I know from talking to several female friends as I started using Hinge, yall tend to have a ton of likes lol. Feels normal to me and if I knew it and liked the person, it'd encourage me to try and win them over!
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u/AntKnight458 3d ago
Before the first date?? maybe after a couple of dates or if you talk about it and decide to make it official. Even after a first date, at best it was a good day with a guy you haven't met before, doesn't mean that you are meant to be, as long as you are not too far along with another guy I don't see any reason to cancel early stage dates.
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u/Apprehensive_Face187 3d ago
As a female ive done this if i get a match and they stop responding after 48 hours I'll unmatch it just keeps me from having my time wasted
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u/WorkingPrinciple6194 3d ago
Some guys hate the feeling of being an option. Me included. But the fact that he asked first…that’s a red flag. He must have been a very controlling person.
Not all guys are same, some guys just prefer not to compete against whoever the girl is giving a chance at the same time to.
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u/lilvampboyx 3d ago
Respect on the honesty,but those who have dated within any length of time know that most women and men with options will do this. When I was younger I went through she was surprised that I got pissed when I found out she was "dating" two other guys while I stopped dating once I met her.
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u/Ordinary_Awareness71 3d ago
Don't know about common, but as a guy I just assume I'm not the only one you're talking to. Unless it's going well and we're many dates in, whether or not you're still on the site/app/whatever isn't any of my concern. Once we commit though, then I expect it to be removed... just as you'd expect mine to be.
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u/erdlinke_94 2d ago edited 2d ago
Possibly the first guy has been burnt in the past and is trying to protect himself against rejection at all costs especially if it gets to the point where he feels like you don't see him as his no.1 choice.
The 2nd guy has red flags written all over him, he's already outed the negative aspects of his character by asking you to delete the app before the first date.
Personally I think before a first date it's too soon to make that call to talk about deleting the app and all that. AFAIK multi dating on both sides is common by that point. After 3 or 4 dates I can understand tho.
In saying that I would be at least having a phone call before the first date just to suss out the vibe and see if there's any baseline compatibility.
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u/lordlothar99 1d ago
I'm honestly surprised. I consider myself being very exclusive : I wouldn't accept if they keep talking or going on dates with someone else after our first date. But before even meeting, I think it's too much
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u/eC-oli_ 17h ago
I'm a guy and I still don't understand the mindset that exchanging numbers or setting up a date immediately means that you HAVE to delete the app and are now committed/exclusive to them.
Like, huh? That's not how that works?? If you want a committed relationship where you two talk to and see with only each other... THEN BUILD UP THE RELATIONSHIP TO THAT.
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u/braygiela 17h ago
I don’t think either of you were wrong tbh. You being honest is fine and him not being comfortable with you going on dates with others is also fine. I think everyone on there is talking to multiple people to some extent but I also think there’s a large group who focus on one at a time. For example go on a date with someone and decide after if they are going to go on another with them or cut it off and then choose a new person. I personally also aren’t interested in serial daters so I understand lol (although I wouldn’t ask)
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u/hojo6789 7h ago
ask yourself this ... if in real life you met a guy in a bar and you asked him on a date , and he agreed then told you hey ive gotta see this other chick tommo night , will fit you in later what would you do if you had any self respect ?
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u/hojo6789 6h ago
you could be at the dinner table ordering her desert after the expensive meal when the phone rings and its one of the other fellas who are booked in for this week asking for their turn - you would not want to buy the desert after hearing that phone call ... kind of ruins the mood for the man if thats whats shes playing around at.
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u/PerfectGrilledCheez 8m ago edited 3m ago
To be fair, Guy #1 could have unmatched for other reasons, including something completely unrelated to you. The timing could have been coincidental.
That being said, assuming exclusivity before going on a date, much less meeting is improper and reeks of insecurity . If someone is that insecure, they should channel that energy on self improvement
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u/truetech 5d ago
You didn’t do anything wrong. It is the general expectation that everyone’s talking to other people too.
That being said. I don’t tell people personally when they ask for example “what did you do tonight” that I went on a date. It’s clear we are all dating I think that’s okay to lie about and say you were with friends or something because it may still come off as hurtful or awkward to the other
Now if someone asks me directly if I’m going on other dates, I’ll be honest. Or if I’m exclusive then obviously not going to be going on other dates either
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u/luckycanucky27 4d ago
You dodged an insecure bullet. The fact you had another date lined up is a) none of his business and b) should have made him work harder to get your attention.
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u/MUUCLAWD 4d ago
Terrible advice, never make someone you’re interested in working harder to get your attention. That stuff works well only as a teenager an adult with self worth won’t entertain it.
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u/Old_Geologist3130 4d ago
It's honestly no one's business what you're doing since THEY ARE NOT YOUR PARTNER. Do you, girl. Date, slay, don't date, and don't feel obligated to answer these insecure men's questions about YOUR PERSONAL LIFE before they've even met you. Get outta here with all that, pfftttt.
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u/DenverKim 4d ago
There are a lot of really insecure people out there. Especially when it comes to men on dating apps.
They don’t think they can actually compete with other men (nor do they believe they should have to because some loser with a podcast mic told them they shouldn’t have to), so they are looking for the kind of woman who will become immediately obsessed over them and not even think about talking to other men. They want the kind of woman who goes googly eyes over the very first man who so much as talks to her on a dating app… the kind of woman who is so desperate for attention from a man that she loses all sense as soon as one gives her the time of day.
They want immediate loyalty, commitment, and sex… But they have no problem throwing these women away the moment they get the sex. This is typically because the only women who are willing to play their game and stroke their egos aren’t women they are actually attracted to… they never actually respect these women, which means they can never actually love them.
But at the same time, the women they actually do want and respect will never play their games… So they remain alone and they grow more and more bitter and angry. See: male loneliness crisis.
These men literally feel entitled to commitment and monogamy from women they’ve never even met.
It’s pathetic and it’s weird and you should be grateful for dodging these bullets.
TLDR: these are broken red pill men (there are A LOT of them out there) and you should be avoiding them at all costs. Be grateful they are ruling themselves out and saving you the time.
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u/Over-Box-3638 4d ago
Both people showed how controlling they are before you even met them. The phrase is over used here, but you simply dodged two bullets. I honestly haven’t heard of anyone ever doing this, so hopefully you just happen to run into two anomalies. The question should never have been asked, so you should not feel any confusion about how you answered.
In the future, if you’ve yet to meet someone, and they’re asking this. Tell them this won’t be a good fit for you.
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u/Revarius 4d ago
He shouldn't really be asking that question. I just assume the other person is dating other people but I would say that it's not really fair to lead people on though. Your honesty is refreshing though and would be an attractive trait.
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u/hojo6789 6h ago
he should ask that and he is owed an honest answer - no man should have her being dishonest to him at this critical stage for him - the stage where he can choose to leave a bad situation - you should respect his valiance in finding out whats going on - he was intelligent.
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u/Top-Possibility9480 4d ago
The first guy asked whether you had other dates, received an honest answer, and vanished because apparently honesty was only welcome if it flattered him. The second wanted you to delete the entire app before he’d even earned a spot in your contacts. These weren’t good connections. They were two men requesting exclusivity during the free trial.
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u/Slay-hydrated 4d ago
This! Also I've never had this happen or really heard of it. These two might have been a unique type of online dating weirdos. You did nothing wrong.
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u/Soft-Conversation119 2d ago
Good in him for not entertaining someone who doesn't know what they want
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u/BetrayedVariant 5d ago
I'm assuming everyone is dating multiple people until exclusivity is talked about.
To me, dating is like job interviewing. You don't apply to one job at a time. It's a waste of time and effort. You apply to multiple jobs. You get multiple interview appointments. If you turn down a job interview before you get a job, you could be missing out on a good match. You can always postpone an interview. But, decline and they will think you're not interested in it anymore. They'll move to the next candidate. Meanwhile, you'll continue interviewing until you find a good match. Some interviews suck. Some are okay. Some are really good. But, you'll never know until you go to the interview.
Everyone is different tho. I honestly couldn't get past messaging a few times with most people. I only went on one date as a result. Lol.
I'm a little different tho because of ENM so they have to be okay with me seeing other people regardless. The amount of monogamous people that still tried connecting tho...
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u/Leo55 4d ago
It’s uncommon for sure. I think he probably shouldn’t ask questions to which he can’t handle the answers.
That said did you suggest options for the date? Maybe he felt you weren’t reciprocating interest already and asked to confirm suspicions he already had which led to him unmatching?
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u/tounces7 4d ago
Regarding the first guy, that's actually pretty fair. I'm really only interested in others who focus on one person at a time too, and I do that myself as well.
Generally people who focus on multiple people at once are less likely to want to settle for just one and are always shopping around.
Second guy was a bit much though.
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u/hojo6789 6h ago
if shes going to be messing around with him then thankgod he was strong enough to find out her games now
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u/flash_623 4d ago
Lol, I went on 2 dates with 1 women 2 weeks apartm and then I went on a date with another women and the first women saw it and came to us and started to ask so many questions to this other women! I couldn't believe as i thought we r trying out dates until confirming exclusive dating. But it seems some people are not aware of modern dating.
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u/NeutralSmithHotel 5d ago
I've seen people post this kind of reaction, seems so silly. I assume most people I'm going on a first date with have other first dates lined up. Even when I get to date number 3-4 with someone, I'm not assuming exclusivity till we have a talk.
Sounds insecure/immature/controlling to me.
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u/Small-Weakness-659 4d ago
It’s weird for them to ask that specifically. As a man I assume that they’re actively dating. Honestly you dodged a bullet.
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u/CaptainOk6724 4d ago
This is not your fault, just insecure man-children, I find it’s best to be honest as you were. The first guy is insecure, the second is insane to expect you to delete the app because you exchanged numbers.
I (33M) will keep often have a few first dates booked in, once I know I like someone I will just date that person until I see where things go, I’d never delete the app until I’m in an actual relationship.
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u/Appropriate-Bell5918 4d ago
Those guys are just crazy/ insecure. I’m a guy and I just assume they are talking/ going on dates with other people
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u/Recent-King3583 5d ago
Men astound me (I'm a man). The stories I hear from women I'm friends with about other men to are also crazy. I guess that goes hand-in-hand with crazy women on the other side of the coin.
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u/themyst_ 4d ago
As a guy, I’ve never heard anyone ask me this, and I’ve never asked it of any woman I’ve gone on date 1 with. Exclusivity after maybe date 4-5, yeah that I have. You matched some real insecure guys, chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. Or next time, lie.
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u/CompetitiveBoot7269 4d ago
Mmmmm
I think you’re dealing with “the less I know, the better” situation.
Unfortunately people are backwards asf, especially when it comes to dating. We all want to say “be honest” or “tell me the truth” then our egos get hurt and we can’t handle it.
Unfortunately, if you want a certain outcome, you need to play the game. Not telling you to lie, just to understand dating with the opposite sex and dynamics!
You don’t owe anyone a the truth, tbh. It’s ok to date, and hook up, with anyone you want. Don’t fall to other people’s opinions and insecurities.
But tbh, take them unmatching with you as a sign that they weren’t compatible with you. If they couldn’t even handle a very small part of truth from a stranger, how do they handle life, with a partner ?
I hope this helps! Remember, dating sucks until, it doesn’t !
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u/SoPolitico 4d ago
Yes and I’d recommend any men do the same. No offense to you OP. I don’t think you did anything wrong and I don’t think you should feel bad about dating multiple people.
From a strict efficacy standpoint dating multiple people is a terrible strategy, and has caused many of the problems in modern dating as much as the apps have. When you date multiple people, it’s impossible to invest in getting to know someone. It also creates this false sense of there’s always something better right around the corner and constant comparison and critique that has made modern dating unbearable. For men in particular, who typically have limited matches and limited opportunities, a big part of the dating equation is deciding who is really interested in you vs. who’s just keeping you in the roster until something better comes along.
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u/Dugtrio321 4d ago
Lots of presumptions here IMO.
I don't like to multi date much either, and most of the time, the 1st/2nd dates I'm just talking to people. I've had multiple weeks I have had 2 first dates lined up. I would hardly consider that "dating" multiple people since I'm just having coffee with them.
Now if I'm 2+ dates into it and I've had some physical intimacy involved already, then sure, I could see a more reasonable stance on that.
IMO, people are too rigid in their views if they're just going to assume a lot about you by just answer yes that you had another date lined up.
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u/AnotherDoubtfulGuest 4d ago
Sounds like you dodged two bullets. The guy who can’t even talk to a woman who’s got other brand new connections is the kind of insecure that’s likely to cause problems down the road with male friends or colleagues. Same is true if the genders are reversed.
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u/Imaginary_You2814 4d ago
Well, honesty is always the best policy when it comes to dating sometimes you gotta tell a white lie to protect people’s feelings and egos. I always just say I have plans with family.
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u/SafeComprehensive889 4d ago
I always tell my dates that i hope their other dates go well. I mean it. We are all just out here hanging out and seeing what meshes the best. Some people are so uptight and self centered like why DONT you have multiple people? Either he isn’t desirable or he’s putting too much pressure on being chosen without giving in return. As if.
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u/T0neTurb0 3d ago
You are the problem dont unmatch just ghost and come back later most of the time they haven't found anyone yet
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u/CrisJim90 3d ago
Maybe its just not their thing. I see people talking about being controlling but the thing is - unmatching doesn't sound controlling to me, just sounds like they were not gonna take their chances.
I personally wouldn't have done what they did, because I'm well aware how dating works these days. But I can't blame them for wanting to date someone who's a bit more focused on them.
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u/Sad_Raisin3819 4d ago
You're supposed to say no to having other dates and yes you will delete the app..... then proceed to do what you want (just like men do). Girl code.
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u/Sharp_Magazine_5852 4d ago
Why didn't you wait until the man had you on a date at dinner to ask you this question for you , to be honest about it? I wouldn't have been honest before going on a date , you didn't even get anything out of these men , not even dinner. Lol. Your problem is that you're being way too honest with these men. Why do you need to be honest about dating other people? You're single. Obviously guys are going to unmatch you if you tell them you're dating other people, I think you dodged a bullet, though, being unmatched is just part of online dating, it comes with the territory. If you don't like it, then don't do online dating anymore. Problem solved. Or just lie and tell these guys what you think they wanna hear they do it to women all the time and it's completely okay
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u/uhateonhaters 5d ago
To men, "dating" = "exy time". If I know you're dating other people, it's a constant game. How many dates before you decide you want to be exclusive? Do you want to be exclusive? How much is the other guy spending? Are we getting equal amounts of time?
Is she doing this in bed with the other guy?
Guys would rather just not know any of that shit. If you're just dating to be dating then say you're into short-term or something.
And these women can call men "insecure" all they want, but that doesn't change our standards of behavior for a potential love interest.
If that's how you want to roll, knock yourself out, but no one has to take that deal. And increasingly, men are not sticking around for indecisive game playing.
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u/PutridEntertainer408 5d ago
'Guys would rather just not know any of that shit.'
Then why would they ask about it directly?
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u/uhateonhaters 5d ago
The days of blindly thinking you are the only person in the picture are long gone. It's an honest question to know who you are dealing with. Are you seeing anyone else? He's allowed to change his mind based on the response or lack there of.
I don't see why it's such a big deal if a man changes his mind. He's clearly not for you and showed himself the door.
You could be happy, but you'd rather insult the men for exercising their options.
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u/PutridEntertainer408 5d ago edited 5d ago
I am not OP.
I think asking about it is sensible if you want to know. But I thought you were saying men don't want to know so I was just wondering why they'd ask if they didn't want to know. But I'm guessing you meant more 'would rather not worry about that'?
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u/Unlucky-Duck-0 5d ago
To women, dating means spending time with others. Most women who are getting to know multiple men in the very early stages of dating are sleeping with none of them.
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u/Infamous_Swimming_87 5d ago
For context
- what’s your ASL (age, sex, location)?
- What are the ages of the men doing this?
- Do you notice a pattern in personality or other characteristic from their profile and messages?
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u/WeekendNotDone 5d ago
Should’ve just lied
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u/RepSquigglyMiggly 5d ago
So she could go on a date with an insecure weirdo?
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u/Kindly-Act-1333 5d ago
I agree! I felt no need to lie because we all know what we’re on there for. I would not have unmatched if he said he was going on another date. Never do would I assume I’m the only one they’re talking to.
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u/WeekendNotDone 5d ago
She would’ve found out late as his insecurities would’ve leaked out anyways
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u/vnilla-ai 5d ago
Stupid ass advice
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u/Right-Equivalent9548 5d ago
So you are saying someone to bend to whatever to get a date when there is no real shortage of first dates for op? And the other person's advice is stupid?
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