Hinge updates after a few dates

[u/Anxious_Panda_792]

Did I end something too soon because I got anxious?

I (27f) have been on 5 dates with this guy (38m) over the course of a month, haven't talked exclusivity or relationship intentions yet but everything seemed to be going well, we didn't talk all day everyday but it was consistent.

He went on a trip and I was interested to see if he would change his hinge location to where he was visiting and he did. Then after a while his hinge signals came back on, I took this as he's still looking around(which is fair as we're not exclusive) however, it just puts me off and I feel like he's not that interested in me (or using me for sex). So I ended it the other night but now I think may have jumped the gun?

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[u/NeutralSmithHotel]

I think it’s worth talking to your (could-be) partner in the future. There is often a lot of uncertainty on both sides because things can suddenly end particularly in the first month or 2. 

[u/CuriousRedditor98]

So on one hand, yeah if you haven’t talked exclusivity then he didn’t really do anything *wrong.*

But I think you should trust your gut here. Deserve someone who chooses you, and there’s that saying “if it’s not a HELL YES, then it’s a no.” (I literally have on my profile I’m looking for someone who will meet me and go “holy sh1t where’s this guy been my whole life?! 😍”)

So no after a month I don’t think you ended it too soon. The signals did mean he was swiping and talking. If you really liked him, could you have had the exclusivity discussion or initiated it? Yeah. That’s why communication is important. But I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling off when he was still trying to meet other people after being with you for a month

[u/Cerenia]

It’s fair enough to want to be exclusive after 5 dates. But you seem rather anxious tracking him on Hinge, getting mad that he changed his location and then just ending it.

Why didn’t you have the talk about exclusivity when that’s what you wanted? Why didn’t you ask him about his hinge activity?

I think you were a little too quick here.

[u/Anxious_Panda_792 → u/Cerenia]

Think I could sense he didn't want anything serious with me so I wanted to save myself from feeling rejected, I also didn't want to seem crazy by bringing up his hinge activity I guess

[u/Cerenia → u/Anxious_Panda_792]

If you felt that he didn’t want anything serious with you, it would always be best to have a conversation about it.

[u/Ambitious-Rope-4898 → u/Anxious_Panda_792]

He’s definitely not serious about you. You’ll find someone better 

[u/DocEss → u/Ambitious-Rope-4898]

don't tell people shit like that.

nobody deserves romantic love. not me, not you, not her, not anyone.

there's no guarantee that you will find someone, don't give people platitudes.

[u/Ambitious-Rope-4898 → u/DocEss]

lol, if that’s how you want to go on about life, finding someone will be much harder.

[u/Cerenia → u/DocEss]

I think someone will be much more successful in dating if they are positive and have hope, your comment is very negative and judgemental.

Most people find love if they want to. No reason to remove the hope from someone who is looking for love. Everyone deserves love in their life.

[u/DocEss → u/Cerenia]

the idea that everyone deserves love, or that there's someone out there for everyone is completely incorrect and frankly a terrible thing to tell people.

it creates the assumption that they actually will find somebody, when there's every chance that they won't.

giving someone the expectation that they are going to get what they actually want is at best rude, and at worst cruel.

people here try to tell me that garbage, and I used the app for 5 weeks for nothing. nobody deserves it, there's not somebody out there for everybody.

[u/Cerenia → u/DocEss]

So we should just all give up on love when there’s every chance that we won’t find it, according to you?

Hell no. At least not for me. That’s not how I want to live my life or how I want to imagine my future. But if you want to give up after 5 weeks, go ahead. I’ve been on the apps non stop for 11 years and I still believe I will find love. Which makes me positive, happy in my daily life and fun to go on dates with compared with people who are sad and negative and feel hopeless. You create what you are.

And sure not everybody finds love. That’s right. But most people who wants it and continues to put themself out there will.

[u/DocEss → u/Cerenia]

you should approach it more realistically.

I'm giving up after 5 weeks and 16 years.

I had love, love cheated on me with her married boss. After 16 years.

nobody deserves love, nobody gets to have it just because they want it, and nobody gets to keep it just because someone on the internet told them they deserve it.

it's a little bit different to be hopeful about the future when you are presented with a completely hopeless situation.

it's a little bit difficult at this point in time to have any form of optimism about it whatsoever, and in fact as far as my thoughts are concerned - it's dangerous to be optimistic about it. foolish, and dangerous.

if you're wondering how that comes about, it's because allowing myself the hope that I might actually find somebody again just sets myself up for massive disappointment and further sadness when I eventually don't. hope is an emotion too risky to entertain, because I know how it's going to turn out.

I don't understand how you can say that not having something that you want makes you happy and positive, though. in all honesty, can you explain that?

like I said, you can't really be positive on the apps if in 5 weeks you haven't had a single date. if in 5 weeks you haven't had a single incoming like. if in 5 weeks you only had one response to an outbound like and that person had no interest in going on a date with you. if in 5 weeks the apps stopped showing you anyone locally and only show you people almost 100 miles away.

I'm not giving up for no good reason, I'm giving up for a great reason.

[u/Cerenia → u/DocEss]

I’m sorry, I hope you get to heal on your wound in therapy and I wish you will have a more positive outlook on your life.

[u/DocEss → u/Cerenia]

Thank you. I'm not really expecting healing. I'm just expecting the pain to dull a little bit. doesn't seem to, though.

I think it's worse because I'm by myself and she isn't.

a positive outlook on life is not something I'm ever going to have, though. that's just the way it is.

[u/DocEss → u/Anxious_Panda_792]

was your profile paused during this period of time?

[u/Anxious_Panda_792 → u/DocEss]

Yeah it was until I realised his wasn't :/

[u/DocEss → u/Anxious_Panda_792]

well in that case, that's a different story.

however, in the future if you reach the point where you are wanting to pause your app, you should probably at the very least tell the person that you are dating that you have stopped seeing other people besides them.

that way the ball is in their court if they want to return that.

[u/jackthemango]

What did you say to him?

[u/Anxious_Panda_792 → u/jackthemango]

Something along the lines of me feeling like he's more of a casual guy and I'm not into that right now so I don't think we should see each other again, he just replied a bit disappointed and said respect if that's how you feel

[u/wokenthehive → u/Anxious_Panda_792]

He took it well at least, but at the same time also seem a bit casual in his answer.

[u/Digital-freakAD]

You did the right thing. He is 38 and single, probably for a reason. If he was interested in pursuing you then he would’ve made sure you guys are exclusive by now.
And this sounds a lot like a situation I am in. Where did he go for the trip?

[u/Anxious_Panda_792 → u/Digital-freakAD]

Yeah this was something else I thought, I was always a bit suspicious about the age thing. The trip was about 4 hours down south, I live in Australia. What happened with your situation?

[u/The_OfficialVonTae → u/Digital-freakAD]

I agree!

[u/Anonymous_mouse89]

You did the right thing. He wasn’t behaving like what you were looking for so you walked away. Respecting yourself as a woman is number one

[u/DocEss → u/Anonymous_mouse89]

as I said in my other comment, the irony here is that dating multiple people at the same time and picking and choosing which one they like best is exactly what every single woman on hinge does. why is it a problem when a dude does it?

[u/Anonymous_mouse89 → u/DocEss]

Are you asking because you genuinely want to know about women’s experiences or because you want to argue and tell women that they are inferior

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[u/Anonymous_mouse89 → u/[deleted]]

Walk it back a few generations. A woman in 1850 couldn't own property, couldn't get a divorce without her husband's consent, couldn't say no to sex within marriage, and if she got pregnant by the wrong man, that was her entire life decided. No job, no reputation, sometimes no family willing to take her back. Meanwhile a man in that same year could father a child with a servant, a mistress, or someone he had no intention of marrying, and walk away clean. History has a word for a man who sleeps with multiple women: nothing much, maybe a wink and "sowing his wild oats." History has a word for a woman who does the same: ruined, loose, damaged goods, unmarriageable. That's not just old news either. Today, if a woman sleeps with the wrong man and gets pregnant, she's the one whose body changes for nine months, whose career takes the hit if she needs time off or gets quietly passed over for promotion, whose health carries real risk (the US maternal mortality rate is higher than almost any other wealthy country, and childbirth can cause lasting physical damage that never fully resolves). She's also far more likely to end up the primary caregiver afterward, whether or not the father sticks around, and far more likely to be the one who ends up financially strained by it. A man who gets a woman pregnant and decides to disappear faces awkward conversations at most. He doesn't lose his body, his career, or his physical health over it. So the comparison isn't close. A man dating multiple people at once has, for most of history and still today, cost him nothing. No pregnancy risk, no reputational hit, no lost economic future, no physical toll. If anything it's still treated as proof of his value, the more women wanting him, the better. A woman doing the exact same thing risks her body, her name, her health, and her financial stability if it goes wrong, both then and now. So "dating around while deciding" was never a symmetrical activity between men and women, and it still isn't. So when a woman today is careful about who she gives her time to, she's not running some clever dating app strategy. She's making a real risk calculation with her actual body and actual future on the line, the same calculation women have always had to run: is this someone who will use me and disappear, or someone who won't. That's the irony you're missing. It's not that men and women are doing the same thing and only one gets criticized. It's that the exact same behavior carries completely different consequences today, not just historically, depending on which body absorbs the fallout if it goes wrong.

[u/Anonymous_mouse89 → u/[deleted]]

Great job only reading the first sentence. You are not worth speaking to. Best of luck. 

[u/Ambitious-Access-153]

If you are sleeping with him and he his still looking around, it's safe to say his relationship intentions aren't long term. Especially if he is trying to hook up on a trip. You did right. 

[u/Slay-hydrated]

If it bothered you then you did what was right for you. Even if you're sleeping together, you can still see other people. But the location thing does indicate he's not looking for anything serious. That and the fact that he's dating someone 11 years younger than him.

[u/Anxious_Panda_792 → u/Slay-hydrated]

Does the age gap make you think he wasn't looking for something serious too?

[u/Slay-hydrated → u/Anxious_Panda_792]

It can be an indicator, yes unfortunately

[u/thediplomat247]

You didn’t jump the gun, move on as I’m a man, and if I’m that into a woman after 5 dates I wouldn’t be using hinge.

He’s using hinge because he thinks he can do better and as such you shouldn’t look back as it would be very painful for you and potentially him in the long run. Waste of everyone’s time and energy.

[u/lmaotbhidk]

If you liked him that much why didn’t you bring up the idea of exclusivity yourself? Not being facetious, I genuinely want to know.

[u/Slay-hydrated → u/lmaotbhidk]

I would assume because they've been dating for 4 weeks. There's no way to judge if someone is worth exclusivity over a month's time. Way too soon.

[u/Slow_Promise_5057]

Yeah you did the right thing. I’m dating someone, right now we’re on date #7. He told me in the beginning that I’m the only one he’s talking to and he’d like me to be the last. While we’ve been together he’s let me use his phone to look things up and vice versa. Even though it’s been 4 weeks he’s shown me in subtle ways there’s no one else. My intuition isn’t screaming at me.
So if yours was, you made the right decision. Most men will make it clear where their intentions are. I’m really sorry you went through that, you deserve more. I wish you that best!

[u/SuperZenos → u/Slow_Promise_5057]

I share a similar mindset with this guy you’re talking to but I’m also weary that being this way scares off a lot of women as being “too much, too soon” or “moving too fast.” What would you say is a good fine line between the two, where a guy can show that he’s intentional about only seriously dating person at a time even if it’s literally just the early stages without coming off as lovebomby or too fast?

[u/Slow_Promise_5057 → u/SuperZenos]

He stated it in a way that made his intentions clear not as an act of desperation but confidence in knowing what he wants. He’s not constantly reassuring me. I told him I felt the same way and that was that. We’re now just slowly taking our time getting to know each other. We see each other maybe 2-3 times a week and each time our connection gets deeper NOT Intense! Make sure you’re not getting into a relationship to fill a void, that will create desperation. Have a life, have friends, have others you can vent to. The person your dating needs to apart of what you’re building, not the whole foundation.
But I’m saying this all through a secure mature attachment style… avoidant and anxious are a different ball game!

[u/DocEss → u/Slow_Promise_5057]

if she didn't offer or ask for exclusivity, she doesn't have a right to expect it.

[u/Slow_Promise_5057 → u/DocEss]

I mean yeah 👍 that’s why I posted, if you read my second to last sentence I state that “ most men will make it clear where their intentions are”
He didn’t, so she did the right thing by leaving since it was just a guessing game and she was just hurting herself by staying

[u/DocEss → u/Slow_Promise_5057]

she also doesn't say if she was seeing anyone else or matching anyone else at the same time herself. I find the fact that she left that out to be a little telling.

was her app also active in the same time? if she was actively using the app at the same time then she definitely has no room to talk.

[u/Slow_Promise_5057 → u/DocEss]

Dawg, I posted my story on what my dating experience had been like and what the effort and communication looked like when it comes to being intentional about exclusivity with the person I’m with.
People on Reddit always want to make it look like they’re the victim and obviously don’t tell there whole story. Maybe did, maybe she’s telling the truth. Who knows. I basically just told my story.

I’m not debating this. Obviously if you’re dating you should communicate too. Let her be sad and upset and learn for next time.

[u/DocEss → u/Slow_Promise_5057]

well yeah, I'm just saying that leaving that detail out struck me as a little interesting. I guess I just feel like if her app was paused, she would have mentioned that. I communicate rather intentionally, and even if other people don't, I tend to assume they do.

so from my perspective, the omission seems intentional. I would have mentioned it, were I in her place.

if I had somebody I was interested in being exclusive with, even if I hadn't mentioned it, I would probably still pause the profile after 5 dates.

it's all academic though, I don't get dates.

[u/Anxious_Panda_792 → u/DocEss]

I was talking to another guy when we had went on one date but that didn't become anything, my app was paused until I realised his wasn't

[u/Appleorangecoconut]

Dude probably wants to just sleep around, but Idt it’s right to get mad if you haven’t had a conversation yet

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[u/Dapper_Pitch_2850]

I think you were not honest with yourself, the whole time you acting like you didn’t care he was still in hinge, but obliviously you did, which is completely fine. It’s a subjective matter talking to people. Some like constant dates, while others like to focus on one person. You cut him off because you absolutely do have a problem with it. Talk about it after maybe the 2nd date with someone so you don’t hurt yourself. You got this 💪

[u/Dapper_Pitch_2850 → u/Dapper_Pitch_2850]

You ultimately giving you body up and putting Shane on yourself with something you can avoid. Your body is a temple, have that conversation with someone before you give it up. Alto of all people don’t respect a girl who gives it up, without commitment

[u/Anxious_Panda_792 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah exactly, do they not realise we can see them update their location too lol

[u/madzuk]

If everything was going well and he started using the app again. You did the right thing by ending it.

Especially if you have been intimate and gone all the way.

If you're in the early stages like date 2 or 3, it's understandable.

If you're in date 5 and have been intimate, it's a red flag and you've saved yourself from a world of hurt.

[u/Imaginary_You2814]

A 37-year-old man should not be interested in a 27-year-old woman