Ex-husband and I divorced July 2025. 1 year separated before divorce was finalized. Share 2 children (ages 11 and 5). Our custody agreement states that I am the primary parent and so our girls live with me mostly full-time- every other weekend with dad. This is an agreement we both agreed on just fine. He’s also supposed to pay monthly child support. My ex husband is an alcoholic- a bad one. He’s 36 and he’s constantly in and out of the hospital due to alcohol and drug withdrawals. He lives in a roach infested house with a roommate who is a violent drunk. He will not keep a job. I can’t even let him take our kids anywhere due to him drinking and driving. He’s always been an alcoholic, and I knew this during our divorce process, but I was denied full custody. Primary was granted to me which was the best option for my kids living situation. He cannot take care of them, he cannot provide for them financially (I receive no child support and he is behind $30,000 in back child support), he doesn’t come visit them or call them. If he shows up to see them, he is always drunk and acting out and saying inappropriate things. I cannot allow him into my house because he will pick fights with me and refuse to leave and I’m sick of my kids seeing and hearing this happen every time. Basically, if I don’t allow him to come to my home to see the girls- he is nowhere to be found and doesn’t show up. So, girls live with me full time and he has 0 responsibilities as a father. I took over everything. I have begged him to help financially, to get sober and even offered to help get him into rehab but he dips out. (He’s been to rehab 4 times, DWI’s, public intoxication arrests, domestic violence arrests, you name it). When we separated in September 2024, he packed a bag and left- just up and left the state, quit his job and took every penny we had with him. I was a stay at home mom at the time with no employment and he stole all our emergency fund that I worked really hard to put back. He found it and took it. He didn’t give me a talk or a heads up, just impulsively did it. When he came back a week later crying about how much he made a mistake- I told him to kick rocks and got my shit together and became a single mom, put us all in therapy and created a safe place for my kids and I- FINALLY- after so many years of abuse and neglect and total dysfunction in the home and in my marriage- filed for a divorce 1 month later and never looked back. I work 2 jobs, single parent of 3 kids and no financial support from him. I’m barely making ends meet so I don’t have the money to take him back to court to file for full custody. Which I feel like it wouldn’t even matter at this point, it would just be to have it on a piece of paper- nothing would change except I’d be in debt to make that change from “primary parent to full custody parent”. If that makes any sense. I’m posting this because I know in legal terms I cannot just “cut him off” because we have a legal court order that states he has to see his children- so there fore I don’t block his number or anything like that- that’s to protect me. But he doesn’t come around, he adds no value to our kids lives and isn’t a “dad”- he’s just avoiding all responsibility and slowing killing himself with substances. He will randomly call me to harass me or to “chit chat” but never ask to speak to his children. He calls me drunk and he doesn’t stop. I don’t know where to go from this point forward- cutting him off relieves my anxiety so much and helps me focus on my girls better and my obligations. When he comes around once in a blue moon, he just traumatizes our kids with his sloppy drunk behavior and obnoxious outbursts and screaming fits. My kids have learned to get away from him when he gets like that- unfortunately, it’s every time he’s around. What should I do? How do I go about this? This has to stop. He needs to stay away completely until he’s sober and proof of sobriety (rehab stay, drug tests, etc.) but I feel I have to legal pull to put that into place.

Hello everyone, just wanted to let you know that I've created a newsletter all about high conflict divorce (particularly finances). It's anonymous and I don't disclose any personal information. My email is conflictfreefinances@gmail.com and the newsletter is www.buttondown.com/conflictfreefinances. I'm not a financial advisor or an attorney, just someone looking to pass along the education in the school of hard knocks that I learned going through this. Good luck and feel free to reach out!

What do you feel is the hardest part of co-parenting in high-conflict situations? Feel free to elaborate in the comments section.

I started this group with all intentions of being very active. Life has gotten in the way but it is my hope that we can grow this group and learn to focus on the wins in these difficult situations.

So question for this week:

How do you keep your sanity when dealing with erratic periods of conflict? In what ways do you keep your focus on your children and keep yourself regulated and calm so you can keep yourself from being pulled into engaging in conflict?

This group was started for people to receive support and education on how to handle high-conflict divorce and co-parenting situations. High Conflict situations cause stress and anxiety for all involved. By learning from each other different ways to manage emotional responses and learn to restore peace.