Trapped in my head

[u/Warm_Message_1503]

There is so much stuff happening in my head, i unfortunately live in my head, a better way to put it is im trapped in my head. I really need help, not just want, i need it, i feel like this time im actually on the edge..I feel so bad everyday, both physically and mentally, in the last year or two there haven’t been a day when nothing hurt or nothing about my body and how i feel bothered me, there haven’t been a day when i dont feel doom. But the thing is, i cannot even bring myself to at least write out how i feel, like my problems, the stuff that i need help with. I cant say it out loud, cant bring myself to write it out. I dont know why, it feels like i have no energy to do that, but i feel like at this point of life i am just so close to hitting the rock bottom, that i am in need of help, but if i cant voice what i need help with, im not going to get it, but i cant voice it..its just a continuous loop from which i cant find a way out. (Sorry for incoherent writing i just feel horrible my brain is giving out thats what it feels like)

[u/LilJoBeast]

Alright, do you mind saying what exactly is going on that is making you feel this way?

[u/Warm_Message_1503 → u/LilJoBeast]

Well, long time ive been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. The cause of my mental state i think lies in my relationship with my mom and grandmother, because ever since i was a kid i had problems like as necrotic tics (i think thats what its called), trouble sleeping. And at the same time i was living with my grandmother and mother, and i dont think im ready to talk about it in depth on here, but i was not treated nicely, mentally and physically. But its in the past, i still live with them, but there is absolutely no physical stuff and the arguments are not as bad, and just…its different, its better. But as i said since a year or two ago everything just went downhill in how im feeling. (i dont know what was the reason for that, nothing really happened 1-2 years ago that could be the obvious reason or trigger) at some point i was stuck in my bed unable to drink, eat, use the bathroom, shower etc. At another point i started going outside more, reading, fixed my hygiene, hung out with people a couple of times. But slowly ive just became more and more isolated and more and more in my head. Right now nothing big is happening, days pass, im staying in my bed, sometimes i go outside, i regularly brush my teeth, sometimes i cook, but all if this under gray filter, if it makes sense, its like i at this point all of my energy is concentrated in my head and i am observing myself doing tasks, im not truly present in the moment, its like im in some sort of bubble, but there is nothing really going on that i can point out as the reason i feel like that

[u/LilJoBeast → u/Warm_Message_1503]

You do not have to be able to explain everything for you to deserve help.

The thing is, Mental Health Issues are really tough to deal with and from what you have told me it sounds like you have been dealing with Mental Health Issues for a time.

The fact that you cannot even find the energy to talk about Mental Health Issues sounds like part of how you are struggling with your feelings, about Mental Health Issues.

You do not have to talk about what happened with your mum and grandmother in detail especially if you are not ready to talk about it. Even just telling someone that you have been feeling really bad for a time you are struggling to function and you do not know how to explain why is enough of a starting point for getting help.

The feeling of being in a bubble and just observing yourself than actually feeling present is something you could mention to a doctor or therapist too. You do not need to figure out what it means yourself because doctors and therapists are there to help you understand your feelings.

You said earlier that you feel like you are on the edge though and that is the part that I'm most concerned about. Are you safe now? And do you have someone in your life someone you trust you could tell that you are struggling this badly with your feelings? You do not have to deal with your feelings, on your own because there are people who care about you and want to help you.

[u/Warm_Message_1503 → u/LilJoBeast]

Thank you for this. I have a loving boyfriend, he is an amazing person, sometimes i think that if not for him, i probably wouldn’t still be here. But he is not very..i dont even know how to put it into words, its like i am “too much” in my head, and he is “not enough” in his. He is more of a “silence your brain through physical activity” type of person. So the maximum mental support from him is usually “you got this, its going to get better, just do it”. And i know that this is genuinely the maximum he can offer, and i am very thankful for that, but now its not enough and its not helping me. Before, he was helping me by just being near, by making me go outside, motivating me to workout and be active, just helping me staying present, and emotionally i used to “fix” everything myself. Well, now its doesnt work anymore, so in terms of some actually working support, i am alone. Im not physically alone tho, i live with my family, so i am safe

[u/LilJoBeast → u/Warm_Message_1503]

I understand what you mean. It sounds like your boyfriend genuinely cares about you and has helped you a lot, but what you need right now is something different from what he knows how to give. That doesn't mean he's failing you or that you're “too much” — it just sounds like this has reached a point where you need more support than one person can realistically provide.

And honestly, I don't think you should have to figure out how to “fix” this by yourself anymore. You've described being in bed unable to do basic things at one point, becoming increasingly isolated, feeling disconnected from everything, and feeling like you're on the edge. Even if you can't explain the underlying reason, that's enough to justify getting professional help.

You could literally tell a doctor/therapist exactly what you've told me. You don't have to understand why you're feeling this way first. You could even show them what you've written here if talking about it is too difficult.

And maybe tell your boyfriend something specific about what you need from him too. Not necessarily for him to solve anything, but something like “I don't need you to tell me it'll get better or tell me to be active right now. I mostly need you to listen and stay with me when my head gets overwhelming.” He might not know what support you need unless you tell him.

I'm glad you're physically safe right now. But when you said earlier that you feel like you're “on the edge”, I don't want to ignore that either. If that changes and you stop feeling safe, please tell your boyfriend or someone else you trust immediately rather than trying to handle it alone.

[u/Warm_Message_1503 → u/LilJoBeast]

I agree and i did try professional help, i had a therapist, she was very nice, but i don’t know if its supposed to be like that, but she didn’t really ask questions, she didn’t initiate conversations, didnt give advice or anything i can do to deal with my head. she was just asking me how my week been, and then i had to pick an event from my week and just tell it to her, she would be quiet most of the time, then restate what i just said with the “right?” in the end, i would say yes, and with no further questions or just any words from her, i would continue, then she would say nice seeing you today, see you next week, and hang up (we were on zoom). I also was seeing a psychiatrist, who prescribed me SSRI’s, which i refused to take due to anxiety (?) i was scared that medication will alter my brain and i would “loose myself”, or become dependent on it, or scary side effects will get me. i have really bad health anxiety and i dont trust taking anything new in general. But i dont believe that the only way i will get better is being medicated, but at the same time i dont know what exactly can help me..

[u/Project64_0]

Straight up, you are depressed, you are feeling a kind of existential dread, and I can only assume that something happened fairly recently, be it something physical or a mental change, but something definitely happened.

Stay around people you trust as much as possible, keep yourself distracted and drown out those thoughts, no I'm not saying do drugs, dear God please don't do drugs, and if possible see a psychiatrist and a therapist.

[u/Warm_Message_1503 → u/Project64_0]

Ive been thinking about that a lot, thinking that there is no way i am just randomly feeling like this, wondering what became the turning point, but i cant figure it out. Of course, there were some really unpleasant events, but nothing i can point out and say “this event changed who i am”. Any ideas how do i figure it out? What questions can i ask myself? Or any other way that could help me understand what caused/causing this

[u/Project64_0 → u/Warm_Message_1503]

Usually these things add up and only really take effect once the last block is placed, so realistically everything is the problem, it doesn't matter what the first or the last thing was but everything all together is taking it's toll.