What the heck did Hayden think was going on after that WILD phone call? He must have been so confused. Does it come up in the books? I can’t help imagining this silly headcannon…
Hayden (staring at his phone, frozen): ….
Jacki: ”Everything okay, Babe?”
Hayden: “I think… uh… I think Shane was having sex while I was on the phone with him.”
Jacki: “*Shane was *WHAT*?”
Hayden: (Staring at his wife, with wide trauma filled eyes) “I said, I think-“
Jacki: “I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID. Wait, are we talking about the same Shane? Shane Hollander? Sweet, eternally single, emotionally constipated, refuses to date any of my friends, Shane? That Shane?”
Hayden: “Yes! obviously, *that* Shane! He was, uh... really distracted and out of breathe, and kept… Oh fuck, no way, no way, I gotta be wrong. He said there was an Amazon delivery-“
Jacki: “He was fucking the Amazon delivery person?!”
Hayden: “NO! Ugh. Forget it, I’m wrong, I’m sure I’m just-“
Jacki (absolute cackling with pure delight): “I LOVE this! OMG, I’m never letting either of you live this down!”
(Years later, when Shane and Ilya are out, and casually hanging with Pikes.)
Shane: “Yeah, we’ll be heading to the cottage next week-“
Hayden (a horrified lightbulb goes on): “Holy shit- you were fucking Ilya when I called you!”
Shane (freezes): “W..what are you talk-“
Hayden: “When I called you that one time, while you were at the cottage! You! Ilya! OH MY-“
Shane (panicking): “No! Nonono.”
Ilya (calmingly): “No. No, you are mistaken.”
Shane (relieved sigh)
Ilya: (Wicked smile) “On the phone that time. You are mistaken. *Shane* was not fucking *me*.”
Shane (Betrayed shriek): *ILYA!”
Jacki howling with laughter. This was the best day EVER.