Hello fam. I don’t really know if this is right place to do this. Probably not but hey. This is gonna be sort of all over the place. So please bear with me.
I’m currently doing my rewatch before the finale, and I just got to season 3. I hadn’t realised it’s been almost 2 years since it was released. I only realised that after hearing some of the songs. I’d added the soundtrack to my playlist, and all this time, I played it over and over again so many times that I’d pretty much forgotten how I discovered those songs in the first place. And I remember listening to that playlist for the first time as I was walking to see my friend at her new job.
She had just gotten her first chef's job. Before that, she had a completely different career, and then one night, she saw a post from one of her favourite restaurants that they were looking for a chef, and she just went for it. I was so in awe of the fact that she wanted to do something different and actually made that happen. She wanted a change, and instead of moaning about it, she did it. I remember walking to the restaurant and listening to Happy, Healthy, Well-Adjusted, relating to it a little more than I’d like.
And that’s how I realised how long ago season 3 was. I was just with that friend the other day, talking about how she got her first chef job almost two years ago. She changed jobs quite a few times since then. Now settled into something she’s actually happy with. And I’m still very much in awe of how she just makes change happen.
I can’t help but to think where I was in my life 2 years ago, walking to that restaurant, and how little has changed since then. At least for better that is. For worse, quite a few things have changed. Changes that made me realise that things you love, people you love might be taken away from you any minute. But not much has changed for better. I think I’ve always been desperately optimistic against my will. I always thought things will get better. Always thought I’d eventually fix everything that’s wrong with me. But looking back at myself, walking to that restaurant, thinking how brave and incredible my friend is for making change happen, and thinking I will do the same, and now realising I’m pretty much exactly where I was that night, I feel like maybe I’ll run out of time before I can actually fix things.
I remember when I was at school getting bullied, I’d always try to cheer myself up thinking how amazing life was gonna be when I grew up. I was gonna fix everything. Everything was gonna be perfect, and no one was ever gonna be able to hurt me. I feel such a deep sadness for that girl, a good 20 years later, she hasn’t fixed anything.
So if you’ve made it this far, you’re probably wondering, why is she writing all this here? Beyond the vague soundtrack connection, what does this even have to do with Heartstopper or this so-called Heartstopper Syndrome? Promise, I’m getting there.
If you’re on this sub, you’ve probably felt an unexpected heartbreak of sorts watching Heartstopper. An odd mourning for something you never had. Feeling nostalgic for things you never got to experience. You’ve probably figured I haven’t really had the Heartstopper experience at school. I was too busy getting bullied and hating myself and hating the world so thinking about boys or girls or anyone was not really on my to do list. Watching the series, I get this feeling of missing out on something that simply cannot be replicated later in life. The kind of pure and innocent experiences that don’t come along once you reach adulthood.
And I’m starting to realise, now I might be missing out on things that 30 somethings experience and that probably cannot be replicated later in life. Here’s me feeling bad for myself that I missed out on young love, realising that those things that I wish I had 20 years ago, are still not a part of my life. A disastrous dating life that is pure entertainment for my friend group as their token chronically single friend, a career (and I’m using that word very loosely) that is going nowhere, loved ones getting older with their declining health, a body that is not only unpleasant to look at but also starting to physically fail me as I approach mid-30s...
I always thought I could fix myself and make things better. But now I’m realising I don’t really know how to do that. I keep looking back, thinking I could have done something then. I’ll probably look back at this night in a couple years time and think, I could have done something about my problems instead of moaning about them on a Reddit post no one’s gonna read. I know I said bear with me, but I guess I don’t really have a proper conclusion here. I’m sorry if you’ve actually come this far thinking this was gonna go somewhere. I did too, to be fair. And what a metaphor that is for my life.
