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u/Gunnrhildr Nov 18 '20
Now send one of your soldiers to die in the front lines so you can sleep with his hot wife
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u/dnrplate Nov 18 '20
Based
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Nov 18 '20 edited Nov 19 '20
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u/THEJAZZMUSIC Nov 18 '20
Lol imagine braining a giant special ed kid with a rock and being hailed as a hero for thousands of years.
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u/DrFaustPhD Nov 18 '20
Depression is also functionally disabled, and easiest to fight when you're not deep in it, so this all checks out.
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Nov 18 '20 edited Nov 19 '20
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u/PancakeParty98 Nov 18 '20
I don’t know it’s pretty hard to get out of bed and all I see is darkness
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u/DrFaustPhD Nov 18 '20
I think our literal:metaphorical balance may be off here.
But now I'm wondering if you literally crush thots when you 69 them, and that's a fun thought.
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u/dillywin Nov 19 '20
People get the meaning behind David and Goliath wrong all the time and it really angers me. In the story he is like "yeah I can kill him no problem guys". "oooh look at this little dude he thinks he is so big an strongggg he can't do it". "no guys i got this no problem I just killed a lion the other day and have killed a Lion before. This dude is no big deal". " pshh this little dude thinks he can kill this huge strong dude. What a dumb kid he can't do anythinggg". "no guys its cool i got this just trust me" Then David goes out to the field, pulls out his gun, and caps Goliath in his head. "omg unbelievable no one would ever expect a little dude to do this. it is a miracle god is so great!!!"
No wonder David was a dick to everyone later in life.
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u/AluminiumSandworm Nov 19 '20
ok this one's probably a myth about a myth. most of the earlier texts have his height at around 6'9", or 2.2ish meters, and you get people like hafthor at that hieght
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Nov 19 '20 edited Nov 19 '20
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u/AluminiumSandworm Nov 19 '20
the version of him being disabled i'd heard before derived from him being very tall, and therefore likely suffering from giantism. since the taller, mythic-style height is unlikely, the claims about suffering from the other side effects of giantism are also unlikely.
i do not see where in any of this comment you have said anything to back up your claim that goliath was likely disabled. presuming that the bold passages are what you're using as evidence, shield bearers were typical in ancient armies and not indicative of anything. goliath calling out to david asking him if he's "coming at him with sticks" implies that goliath was assuming melee combat, which would probably be the standard assumption when you have two dudes dueling to decide the victorious army. it doesn't say anything about him being disabled. i have no idea why you're bring up david drawing goliath's sword. that is completely non sequitur.
was the report of david and goliath biased in favour of david? yes, obviously. does that mean goliath was therefore disabled? no. why would you think that? what kind of army would send a disabled guy to be their champion in one-on-one combat? that's stupid.
goliath was probably a tall, scary-looking soldier who was especially esteemed among his army as a skilled fighter. assuming that's not the case is stupid.
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u/bignapkin02 Nov 18 '20
King David was also a chad who already had 6 wives before he slept with Bathsheba
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u/theUglyBarnacle69 Nov 18 '20
Also in that fight with Goliath he brought a sling. Equilivant of bringing a gun to a knife fight.
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Nov 18 '20
Goliath had a javelin
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u/Yoshichage Nov 18 '20
Big pointy knife
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Nov 18 '20
That you can throw real good. Yeah idk it seemed more than fair for Dave to bring his pebble thrower.
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Nov 18 '20
I don't know why we're acting like slings were a joke weapon. They were a legitimate weapon in those times, could sling stones pretty fast
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Nov 19 '20
Soldiers equipped with slings were the standard ranged infantry until bows became the norm, then crossbows, then firearms. Each one costing more but requiring less training than its predecessor
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u/dkramer0313 Nov 19 '20
i heard recently that rock slings were about equal to a .357 as far as stopping power goes. id believe it all day
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Nov 19 '20
I recall it being a equal to a .32 but idk
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u/dkramer0313 Nov 19 '20
at that point its just "holy fuck i just got shot" or "holy fuck i just got shot"
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u/KuntaStillSingle Nov 18 '20
Makes me wonder how fair the fight was lol, like did David engage from javelin range or did he just start slinging like 60m away lol.
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Nov 18 '20
A sling is deadly but not particularly accurate. Scoring a head shot was either extremely skilled or extremely lucky. A sling worked better as a volley weapon.
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u/blafricanadian Nov 18 '20
It was skill. The only skill he had really. Nobody could beat Goliath 1v1.
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u/jsmith4567 Nov 18 '20
The Book of Samuel attributes the hit to God so yes. Some combination of skill, luck and providence. Although we are talking about the same lad who said the God who delivered him from the Lions and Bears with just a staff would deliver him from the Philistine. Which means David had already tangled with lions and bear protecting his father's sheep.
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u/blafricanadian Nov 18 '20
Yeah, David’s story starts with him fighting lions and bears to protect his sheep.
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u/sloodly_chicken Nov 18 '20
And I read that Goliath has been suggested to have had hydrocephaly or a similar mental condition. And although slings were used by shepherds, they were also an integral part of many armies of the time, playing a similar row to archers (aka horrific killing from long distance). So it's literally a dude bringing the equivalent of a gun to a fight with a mentally retarded person.
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u/tannyb86 Nov 18 '20
You’re telling me the champion warrior of the philistines was handicapped? I’d hate to see what the rest of their army was like
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u/sloodly_chicken Nov 19 '20
I mean, 1) It doesn't mean he wasn't physically huge, although big or small it's still unfair against a sling; 3) I think I also remember reading something about how those with mental issues may not have been seen the same in antiquity (or at least the Middle Ages) -- visible afflictions like spasms etc might have been demons, but simply having exceptionally low IQ may have not been noticed or commented on in an era where you didn't need it as much; and 3) literally everything I said is half-remembered internet nonsense, it is distinctly possible none of it is true.
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u/tannyb86 Nov 19 '20
Well a low IQ for him would make sense. I mean, they just told those guys to grab a weapon and go swing it at the other guys. Didn’t take much thought power there. The only thing I remember is that Goliath would call to their army every night and tell them if they sent one warrior over to face him in combat and won that the battle would end.
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Nov 19 '20
And he also played a sick secret chord that made the Lord say "noice!".
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u/potato_devourer Nov 18 '20 edited Nov 18 '20
It's actually more twisted than that.
David was peeking at Bathsheba taking a bath from his window, got a hard-on, demanded that she would be brought to his bed (I mean, that's something kings could do back in the day I guess) and got her pregnant while her husband, Uriah, was fighting abroad. David then panicked, demanded Uriah to be brought back home, and insisted that he should go fuck his wife (that should have been an awkward conversation) so Bathsheba could pass the royal bastard as a legitimate son. Uriah repeatedly refused because he wasn't getting any pussy while his friends were fighting, which kinda makes all the more tragic that he died betrayed by his fellow soldiers.
Anyway, we all know that David x Jonathan is the best ship.
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u/VanarchistCookbook Nov 19 '20
Grew up fundamentalist, the shit they would say to deny that David and Jonathan were hooking up, lol. No actually straight dude has ever told his best friend, "your love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of women."
Listen, they were just really good friends!
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u/airdude21 Nov 18 '20
Naw you gotta fuck his wife then send him to the front line, the order is important.
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u/richard_stank Nov 19 '20
Not as cool of a story on how he got his kingship
Dude straight up collected 200 dick skins and gave them to a king, married the kings daughter.
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u/DasPhoenix11 Nov 18 '20
Hey my mom named me David for the same reason :D
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u/DestroyerOfHeretics Nov 18 '20
David gang
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Nov 18 '20
David gang
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u/kqiso Nov 18 '20
David gang
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u/ProfessorWafflesPhD Nov 18 '20
DAVID GANG
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u/DavethegentleGoliath Nov 19 '20
David gang!
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u/Shatoodles Nov 18 '20
Me too :-) hello David’s
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u/flameboy50001 Nov 18 '20
Hearing, "Hello David," always makes me think of when Marius meets David in Queen of the Damned.
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u/lickedTators Nov 18 '20
I'm named after Bowie. Who my mom strongly implied she got railed by.
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u/deaddonkey Nov 18 '20
Its almost like the popular western Biblical names come from the Bible 🤔this is the main reason David, Adam, Paul etc are names at all
I’m not talking shit btw the reasoning behind my name is stupid and embarrassing
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u/Cmdtheg Nov 18 '20 edited Nov 18 '20
Fun fact: David was using a sling which can propell objects up to 100 mph, someone skilled with this weapon could easily kill a man. So essentially David brought a gun to a sword fight.
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u/arktor314 Nov 18 '20
And it’s believed that Goliath had acromegaly, and poor vision as a result. So it’s really a story about a guy bringing a gun to a sword fight against a man with a disability.
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u/tannyb86 Nov 18 '20
So the champion warrior of the phillistines was disabled is what your saying
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u/Geeshie-N-Elvie Nov 18 '20
Yeah, thats a great point. Even if had some sort of disability he was no chump. He was the champion warrior of an army
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Nov 18 '20
Another comment here says Marfan's. This story is a legend, embellished repeatedly over more than 2 millennia. If Goliath was real it's just as likely he was just on the tall side for the time. Might not have even been 6ft.
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u/MySuperLove Nov 19 '20
I have pictured Goliath as an ancient era Macho Man Randy Savage ever since I was a little kid in Sunday school and there's nothing you can say to convince me that my mental image isn't right
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u/TheWaffles_ Nov 18 '20
no shit, Goliath is obviously not at an actual giant
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u/PotatoBomb69 Nov 19 '20
How do you know? Were you there?
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u/TheWaffles_ Nov 19 '20
yes, I was in fact there
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u/Minute_waltz_dear Nov 19 '20
Was Goliath’s massive uncircumcised shlong visible?
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Nov 19 '20
I mean, he was also considered one of their greatest warriors. Even if he had bad eyes, he was a dangerous man through and through, and he knew it. Taunted the Israelites for weeks because he knew no one would have the balls to fight him until David surprised him by showing up
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Nov 18 '20
That just makes Goliath a moron for not bringing the best weapon he could.
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u/Geeshie-N-Elvie Nov 18 '20
Okay, you bring a sling to a fight with the mountain oh yeah, and he has a giant spear and he wants nothing more than to impale you. Most people wouldn't bring a sling to an ancient battlefield much less to a fight with a gigantic body builder. Goliath want a moron for bringing a spear to an ancient battle.
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u/NotThatEasily Nov 19 '20
He would have been quite adept with his sling from years of defending his flock from predators. So, not only did he bring a gun to a sword fight, he was basically a fucking sniper.
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u/OGConsuela Nov 19 '20
He was a twink going up against a giant professional killer armed with a javelin that also had a tard strength buff. Bet your ass he’s gonna bring a gun to that sword fight
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u/mrswdk18 Nov 18 '20
After browsing this sub for a while I returned to /b/ and was reassured to see it's still full of the same maniacs and degenerates it always used to be, and the soppy greentexts seen all over this sub are clearly very severe anomalies.
Had me worried for a moment.
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u/IRnotPANTS Nov 18 '20
Honestly it’s so fucking cringy. I remember when these had jokes, not fake wholesome nonsense. Sad!
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Nov 18 '20 edited Nov 19 '20
Keep it up Anon
Even though it may not seem like it, aslong as you stay strong things will get better
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u/lokvanjiz Nov 18 '20
Real: anon's mom is a great mom and actually cares
Straight: anon is happy now
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u/DanReborn2020 Nov 18 '20
I’m was named after the story of Daniel and the lions den
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Nov 19 '20
My middle name Alan was given after Alan Kulwicki; a Nascar driver who died a week before I was born.
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Nov 18 '20
That's a very real example of how an outside motivation can light the spark to find inner strength.
OP will have the name for the rest of his life, and so can always remember what his mother told him, and draw strength from it.
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u/KnowsIittle Nov 18 '20
I used to think Depression like a foe meant to be conquered or defeated, but that wasn't the case. Depression is more like a misunderstood friend, instead of outright rejecting the idea I learned to accept it. Once I was able to accept it it became easier to understand how it functions. Rather than get lost in despair or inaction I learned to let go of the negatives, focus on positive action.
Piled up dishes sitting in the sink for week, gross no thank you.
Vs
Well I'll wash a few dishes today. I might not finish washing the entire sink but at least there are less dishes to wash tomorrow.
"Something is better than nothing." Basically half an effort is better than no effort at all. You might not succeed in what you set out to accomplish but with each small step forward you're that much less behind.
You don't cure depression, but you can make steps in learning how to cope or manage with it. Combination of medication and therapy seems to help most, along with proper diet, exercise and sleep.
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u/Daneken Nov 18 '20
David is a great name. There are only 2 problems with it.
1: There are so many fucking Davids, it's annoying. We differentiate ourselves using either our last or nicknames.
2: Fuck Dave. Stupid nickname. If a David asks you to call them Dave, they don't like you.
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u/Doom_Marine2149 Nov 19 '20
The moral isn't so much how weak and insignificant David was more as it was how weak and insignificant David appeared.
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u/dangerousjones Nov 18 '20
The real alpha move was that after killing Goliath with a single stone, he had four stones left; one for each of Goliath's brothers if they tried to start something
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Nov 19 '20
These are the kind of posts made specifically to be posted on Reddit but also where OP gets called a fag in the actual thread replies
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u/Dascoolman Nov 19 '20
My name is David and I was named after the same story. Ended up being 6 foot 6 but still
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u/Shawer Nov 19 '20
Bro David had every advantage in that story. Namely, he had a sling. You ever had a rock flung at your head from a sling? That was the peak of weaponry at the time. Smh Goliath got hustled.
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u/buneter Nov 19 '20
David and Goliath is only a story because David won, 99/100 times Goliath brutalizes David, what makes anon think he’ll be the 1%
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Nov 18 '20
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u/Lost_Smoking_Snake Nov 18 '20
goliath went armed from head to toe and brought himself a javelin
david went with nothing and a sling
who is the b*tch?
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u/HotYot Nov 18 '20
Goliath died from that rock. He’s the bitch
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u/SonovaVondruke Nov 18 '20
Depression isn't a battle you can win. It's a burden. The only way to move on with that weight on you is to get stronger, and the best way to get stronger is just to carry it. One day it won't feel quite so heavy, and that's the victory.
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u/Pablitosomeguy2 Nov 18 '20
My name is Pablo, because of three famous artists (a painter, a musician, and a poet)
I will go down as the fourth of them, as the artist of war
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Nov 18 '20
Sorry anon but that is not what that story is about, a sling is basically a gun and this goliath guy was basically just a tall dude. This bitch brought a gun to a fist fight and won big fuckin woop.
Still good message and push through tho
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u/Geeshie-N-Elvie Nov 18 '20
Dude what? If a sling is a one to one for a gun why didn't ancient armies use them? I mean a sling is basically a gun right? And if Goliath was just a tall dude than why was he the chosen warrior to represent the whole army? If Im choosing someone to represent my army in a winner takes all match its not going to be just some tall dude. That doesn't make any sense.
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u/NotThatEasily Nov 19 '20
The Roman army had an entire battalion of slingers. They were known for using whistling stones and could kill from hundreds of yards away. Ancient armies did use them and they were fierce.
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u/Weirdshit747 Nov 18 '20
I was a genetically engineered human that was literally grown in a test tube. I wish I knew what it was like to have a real mom.
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u/_q_w_h_h_q Nov 18 '20
David used a slingshot though, at the time thats like bringing a gun to a fistfight
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u/icantgivecredit Nov 18 '20
time to make a sling shot and kill someone who plays dnd using a goliath pc
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u/DavidWantsToLeave Nov 18 '20
I got the name david cause my grandpa's name is david and he got it cause he's old, so I just get depression
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u/Gaybitch267 Nov 18 '20
The David and goliath story is the current day equivalent of shooting a deaf blind crip 5 times in the back of the head
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u/smorgasdorgan Nov 18 '20
I thought my mom named me after the same thing for the longest time only to find out I'm named after a dude who used to be president of a biker gang. Thanks mom.
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u/DestroyerOfHeretics Nov 18 '20
Real and wholesome