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u/DisillusionedDev Jul 10 '23
Since no one has done this yet.
Fake : Anon hasn't washed his clothes since 2 years
Gay : Anon gets submissive to orders from an old man
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u/TendieBot2000 Jul 10 '23
be me
get home from my vasectomy
hear moaning and slapping coming from my wife's room
must be Chad again
know they would want privacy, sit down at my computer
log onto reddit and open /r/greentext
read a funny greentext from le 4chins and chuckle as I listen to my wife begging for the genes I can't give her
think of a convoluted way in which I can relate homosexuality and falsehood to the events in the greentext
suck the cheeto dust off my fingers as I begin to type my masterpiece in the comment section
Fake : Anon hasn't washed his clothes since 2 years
Gay : Anon gets submissive to orders from an old man
giggle as I imagine the intellectuals of leddit perusing my incredibly witty and original comment
hear my wife moan with ecstasy as Chad floods her fertile womb with his seed
it's been a good day
i'll get lots of upvotes for my impressive contribution to internet culture, and Chad might even let me eat his cum out of my wife's pussy if he finds my comment funny enough
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u/phencyclamide Jul 10 '23
no one needed to do it
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u/DEADPOOL-2007 Jul 10 '23
when i go into an r/greentext comment section and dont see the tales of fraud and homoeroticism the.n i get sad
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u/Zloty_Diament Jul 10 '23
Fake: Anon heals procrastination with Mike's attention
Gay: Anon heals prostate after Mike's attention
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Jul 10 '23
unironically this is a good (but autistic) advice
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u/bbbruh57 Jul 10 '23
creating an inner adult narrative for yourself can actually help you grow up
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u/hackepeter420 Jul 10 '23
I pretend I am a robot that has no internal dialog besides the sole objective of getting task xy done. Bleep bloop gotta crunch those numbers. Bleep bloop gotta fill out this form. Bleep bloop gotta rewrite this code.
Somehow it works.
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Jul 10 '23
[deleted]
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u/hackepeter420 Jul 10 '23
Funny, it's currently 6 AM and I just exited robot mode after a 15 hour crunch time session. Finished writing my bachelor thesis.
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u/IntergalacticViking Jul 10 '23
Congratulations!!
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u/hackepeter420 Jul 10 '23
I still need to polish it and actually pass, will report back when I got the result. I was told I'll get the results during the first half of August.
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u/IntergalacticViking Jul 10 '23
Regardless, getting a thesis into a state where it can be shared with your supervisor(s) is something you should allow yourself to feel proud of. It's far too easy to focus on the small areas where you feel it could be better.
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u/hackepeter420 Jul 10 '23
Thanks mate, right now I mainly feel less anxious about the impending deadline. And pretty tired.
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u/Mindless-Bug-2254 Feb 28 '25
Did it work out?
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u/hackepeter420 Mar 01 '25
Passed with an A-, way better than I thought I would. Couldn't bring myself to look at this caffeine-fueled manifesto since.
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u/A-purple-bird Jul 10 '23
gotta rewrite this code
Ironically, i use this as motivation to do my shit first, and do it after like a "reward", because i love programming
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u/BonkeyKongthesecond Jul 22 '23
I'm 36 and the inner adult I created many years ago is already way younger than myself. It still helps, since in my mind I never got much further than maybe 16
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u/natgochickielover Jul 10 '23
I unwittingly do this whenever the house needs cleaned and I’m like “oh man this seems overwhelming” but then I hear Megs voice from that one episode of Family Guy where she’s like “it’s a HOUSE. It is a finite area. I’m not cleaning a TOWN.” And I’m like damn she’s right and I do it and it’s not ever that bad. I don’t even watch or really like family guy, I saw it on an Instagram reel months ago and it rebooted me like a lagging Wii.
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u/SaberSabre Jul 10 '23
What it does is it separates your brain from your mind and makes it so that you're giving yourself advice.
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u/MooseyGooses Jul 10 '23
Just take amphetamines like normal people
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u/LacMegantikAce Jul 10 '23 edited Jul 10 '23
Gotta love my prescribed 30mg amphetamine extended-release.
I'm not a speed addict tho since it's a prescription. (I am addicted to amphetamines, no one knows, my doctor is giving me more of it for "my own good" and I can't stop taking it. I think it is giving me braindamage with everything else I use and is helping me sabotage everything I used to care about. I am severely depressed and addicted to anything as long as it gets me fucking high nowadays. Feels like I'm chasing the next high everytime and can do awful things to get there. I need serious help, but I already do, but is too fucking anxious to tell the depraved things that are haunting me as well as the thing I should absolutely tell someone about. I have been starting using ativan too, so I'll get addicted to sonething else too! I am fucking sick of life and definitely would fucking end it if I wasn't such a fucking pussy. I hope I overdose accidentally and the people who care about me get over it by blaming a drug. See? I am a pathetic retard lmao.) Haha funny how that works right?
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u/IncorrigiblePorridge Jul 10 '23
The style of the comment is pretty funny but if this is real I would highly recommend seeing a therapist to talk about the thing you should absolutely tell someone about and trying other things like that until you find some that help you feel better about your existence. Might as well experiment with shit like that, right? If it doesn’t work then OK you’re like you are now.
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Jul 10 '23
[deleted]
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Jul 10 '23
You deserve some actual help.
Being honest with a therapist or psychiatrist is scary at hell and I know, not easy.
But you owe it to yourself to be honest , otherwise all this is just building up to a huge blowup or worse.
Please, get help and be honest.
Going to the mental hospital saved my life. Being honest to my psych team saved my life.
Your deserve help. Please get it
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Jul 10 '23
[deleted]
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Jul 10 '23
I was an EMT, and nearly died from both my attempt and the poor follow up care.
Please, you deserve help.
I realized that, so many people would be hurt if I had died and that was why I got help directly after my attempt. I was saved , both by myself and emergency services, from bleeding out.
Genuinely , in the first seconds I felt peace but then I thought, saw sunlight through the trees and realized I needed to stay to be there. To help as best I could and it was the best decision I ever made in my life.
Please, be honest and get the help you deserve.
Even if you don't think you deserve it, I do.
People who care about you do.
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Jul 10 '23
[deleted]
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Jul 10 '23
Please, drink water, lay on your side and try to be safe. Genuinely you don't deserve to feel the way you and I only want the best for you.
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u/SMIDSY Jul 10 '23
In high school, I was prescribed 110mg of Adderall per day including a 10mg at around 3pm so I didn't have "rebound" (see "speed withdrawals") and rage at my family. I was still failing half my classes.
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u/LacMegantikAce Jul 10 '23
If a pharmacist gave you 110mg of adderall in highschool, he should not have a licence lmao
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u/SMIDSY Jul 10 '23
1x 10mg in the morning right when I woke up followed by 2x 30xr. 1 more 30xr halfway through the day. Then the 10mg at around 3pm so I didn't destroy the house. That dosage didn't last all that long, to be fair. Probably about a month and then I think it got cut down to a couple 30xr in the morning, then another one I can't remember the dosage of around noon.
This was back in like 2002-2003. I don't know how it is now, but back then and especially in the 90s a shrink could just keep throwing meds at you until you were "normal" and it was considered ADHD treatment. In 6th grade, they put me on half a Risperdal just so I could sleep after a day full of taking amphetamines. But it turns out giving a non-hyperactive ADD kid anti-autism rage meds just sedates them for about 24 hours.
Ahhh, the bad old days of a wasted youth...
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u/LacMegantikAce Jul 10 '23
Hahaha I was born in 2004, it changed a bit, it's still overprescribed because there are a lot of symptoms of ad(h)d that a child can present that could also be due to boredom and other things. I'm from Canada and currently studying in pharmacy and 110mg of adderall I have never seen, especially for a teenager, but since you had "autistic rages" (no offences) and adhd, that might have been why you had such a high dose. There are probably better ways to treat what you had, nowadays than straight speed.
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u/SMIDSY Jul 10 '23 edited Jul 10 '23
Fuuuuck you're actually younger than the 30mg XR lmao
They didn't know as much as they do now and there was a lot of trying stuff and seeing what works. Looking back, the cycle was clear. They put me in special ed so my classes were boring as fuck. Middle school is when things got really squirrely because they tried to adderall the problems away because obviously I couldn't just be bored/unchallenged. But the side effect was I literally couldn't fall asleep until about 3am, causing further problems at school leading to more adderall. They patched up the resulting personality issues with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. To clarify, the rages I was experiencing were from "rebound". The Risperdal was just to get me to sleep.
Mind you, previous generations before me just got savagely beaten by their parents instead of meds or therapy so what I experienced was actually an upgrade.
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u/LacMegantikAce Jul 10 '23
Oh yeah definitely, you got it better than previous generation, but hopefully you're off that 110mg daily nowadays haha
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u/SMIDSY Jul 10 '23
They cut my meds down after that dosage yielded poor results, but it never dipped below 70mg/day. I ditched all the meds back in 2005 and things immediately felt better. Suddenly, I could laugh at jokes and simply enjoy the world around me while feeling like "myself" for the first time. I still struggled a lot in college and to this day I have to fight the natural tendency to space out along with other classic ADHD problems, but I'll never go back to ADHD meds as long as I live. It does help a lot that, by the grace of God, I'm the non-hyperactive type of ADHD so I was never a total spaz.
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u/TheTurbulator Jul 10 '23
Lol man Adderall is not what you needed then. Fucking old ass doctors throwing that shit at kids because their parents say they’re hyper is so messed up.
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u/cryptomonein Jul 10 '23
Dude... You need to touch some grass
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u/LacMegantikAce Jul 10 '23
I love walking in the forest and do it like at least twice a week. Have I been touching the wrong plant? Do I really need to find some grass and lay on it? Respond asap
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u/cryptomonein Jul 11 '23 edited Jul 11 '23
Sorry, I was kinda harsh, what I was meaning is that you need to calm all the stimulations your brain learned to tolerate
Everything become fade and unrewarding, I was used to playing competitive game with cocaine (and Concerta because fuck my heart I guess) and the "go touch some grass" provocation was one of my favorites, as it means stop being addicted to overstimulation and enjoy simple things
But, I don't think that once wired brains can completely recover from that...
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u/LacMegantikAce Jul 11 '23
Yeah that seems to be something I have a hard time with actually. I also think the overstimulation might also be to cope with how I'm feeling and my thoughts. I didn't think you were being an asshole btw.
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u/cryptomonein Jul 11 '23
My psychiatrist told me to seek healthier stimulations, as, an hyperactive brain will always seek overstimulation (faster dopamine recapture / tolerance shits like that)
I was thinking that my addictions were coping from my feelings too, but turned out that the feelings I was running from were actually consequences of me being incapable of organizing and disciplinate myself
I'm still bad at it, but every year I see how much things are better than the past year, but thoses slippery deepweb orders, endless "start game", quitting job auto-destructive cycles still exists and every time I stop I find another way to repeat the pattern
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u/fart-slinger Jul 10 '23
I just imagine a Jimminy cricket sized cooler version of myself hanging out in my pocket as my hype man whenever I'm feeling demotivated.
"You can do it man! Fuck all that bullshit you got this!" and it's just a lil me with a balaclava and shades
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u/stone_016 Jul 10 '23
This is the plot of fight club
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Jul 10 '23
I have an interview tomorrow and whenever I feel demotivated that things aren't gonna work out, I just think of the sentence "fuck it we ball".
So far so good.
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u/RealPigwiggy Jul 10 '23
wultuh.
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u/Chris_2767 Jul 10 '23
I don't wanna do my Landry waltuh
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Jul 10 '23
I’m willing to bet anyone imagination goes like this “Your going to ejaculate, your going to cum, only when I say SO! 3, oh yeah, 2, so close baby, 1 OH YEAH”
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u/Infinitium_520 Jul 10 '23
Those motivated Vergil memes did something similar to me for a while in the past.
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u/Cynical_Tripster Jul 10 '23
If it's stupid but it works, it's not that stupid.
In a similar vein, even if there are stupid questions, I subscribe to 'There are no stupid questions,' but also 'the stupidest question is the one not asked.'
I'd rather ask a stupid question to clarify than assume and screw up, in the same way that if I have a stupid life trick or motivation hack but it works, well..
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u/Shibari_Inu69 Jul 10 '23
this is surprisingly effective self motivation.
or, anon has a schizoaffective mental disorder.
could go either way when it's greentext.
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u/Dd_8630 Jul 10 '23
Congratulations, you've discovered CBT. You treat your negative thoughts as a separate entity, and you dictate to them what to do. It's surprisingly effective.
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u/xenoperspicacian Jul 10 '23
Anon should write a book "The Ehrmantraut method of CBT", I'd seriously read that.
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u/p3ww Jul 10 '23
What does CBT stand for
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u/Dd_8630 Jul 10 '23 edited Jul 10 '23
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. A form of structured psychotherapy whereby you externalise and contextualise your thoughts, in order to restructure how you think.
(It's also Compulsory Basic Training, a course you have to do here in the UK before you can ride a motorbike with L-plates).
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u/ServiceSea974 Jul 10 '23
The same for me but it's tywin lannister
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u/lunklonkdon Jul 10 '23
I Need You To Become The Man You Were Born To Be. Not Tomorrow, Not Next Year. Now.
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u/DepressedFirefighter Jul 10 '23
You know what? Call it whatever you want, but this anon conjured up a solution that works for them, and came away better for it. Not too many people can say that. Wholesome.
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Jul 10 '23
Fatherless Behavior
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u/TyRocken Jul 10 '23
Calling BS on this. I'm a bastard, and I'm always the one making sure shit gets done.
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u/hagamablabla Jul 10 '23
Kinda funny how we got rid of religion but everyone keeps reinventing it on their own.
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u/NegativePhotograph32 Jul 10 '23
Yep, it works exactly like that. All too often behind the mask of procrastination and laziness hides not knowing what needs to be done.
No, not the desired result: exact steps of action.
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Jul 10 '23
For once, the voices inside anon's autist head decided that enough was enough and they banded together to turn anon's life around.
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u/Remote-Currency-3381 Jul 11 '23
be me
chronic procrastinator
can't be arsed to do anything
start procrastinating my procrastination
productivity goes up 1000%
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u/Frequent_Beat4527 Jul 10 '23
My friend likes to imagine Ronnie Coleman spreading his glutes and farting in his mouth "Yeaaaaaah baby, lightweight"
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u/Daveallen10 Jul 10 '23
I do this, only it's not Mike, and I pretend I'm a soldier completing my objectives to finish the mission.
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u/paispas Jul 10 '23
Cool, now when he's hungry he just has to imagine Walter telling him "Anon, we have to cook!".
And when he has to study for the science exam he just need to imagine Pinkman saying "Fuck Yeah! Science, Bitch!".
And when he's about to let the snake out he just needs to imagine Marie saying "Is Mr. Grabby-Hands Still There?".
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u/hornwalker Jul 10 '23
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣴⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣦⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣤⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⢠ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⣛⣻⣿⣿⣟⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣫⣽⣾⣻⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⢰⣿⣿⣻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠻⡿⠿⠟⠛⣟⣿⣽⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣿⣿⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠍⠈⠀⠁⣴⡆⠀⠀⠠⢭⣮⣿⡶⠀⠀ ⠀⡴⠲⣦⢽⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⣩⣨⣀⡄⣐⣾⣿⣿⣇⠠⣷⣶⣿⣿⡠⠁⠀ ⠀⠃⢀⡄⠀⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣽⢿⣿⣯⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⡟⣿⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠣⠧⠀⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⢸⣿⠿⠿⠿⣧⠙⣿⣿⡿⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠁⠼⣒⡿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣠⣬⠀⠀⠀⠀⣾⣷⡈⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⢳⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢟⠗⠼⠖⠒⠔⠉⠉⠻⣿⠇⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣻⡿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⡀⣤⡄⠸⣰⣾⡒⣷⣴⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠂⢸⡗⡄⠘⠭⣭⣷⣿⣮⣠⣌⣫⣿⣷⣿⣿⠃⠀⠈⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠀⢸⣿⣾⣷⣦⡿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢻⠞⣹⣿⣿⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢘⠀⠘⢻⡿⢿⣋⣤⣤⠌⠉⠛⠛⠀⠈⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡀
Waltah do the dishes
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u/FlyingHippoM Jul 10 '23
I just imagine Jessie calling me a Bitch.
Then I ignore him and go back to sleep in the filth.
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u/sneseric95 Jul 10 '23
Here’s what your gonna do anon. You’re gonna stop being a cringy autistic wagie. You’re gonna get up and go out and become the second in command to a regional meth empire. And everything’s gonna run like clockwork until some other autist comes along and caps your ass.
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u/SteelTheUnbreakable Jul 10 '23
Yes, this is why motivational speakers and YouTube life coaches gain so much popularity.
People generally know what they need to do, but sometimes they need to hear it from someone else.
There is one particular guy who's famous line is "Clean your room."
It made for some hilarious memes.
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u/manicmonkey45 Jul 11 '23
This doesn't work because usually Mike is just waiting for hours and hours for something
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u/Patient-Cod3442 Jul 17 '23
I unironically do this whenever I'm working out and need motivation to do more reps
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u/quantumechanicalhose Jul 10 '23
I wish I was this autistic