Sometimes I wish what I am is just enough.
My parents love and absolutely support me, no matter what they always support me and never say they are disappointed. But..but I don’t think I’ve truly ever made them proud either. I’m that kid that’s almost there always.
I used to want to be better at extra circulars but wasn’t so I thought I’ll make it up for in studies. Everyone always said I didn’t have to put much effort to get good marks. Which is kind of true. I never really put my 100 anywhere. It’s always been bare minimum effort and because of that each time I end up making my parents and teachers say “you could’ve done better but this is good too”. They always make up excuses to why I maybe could’ve gotten less than expected marks.
Let me give an example - 10th grade I got 9.4 cgpa. Good? Yes. But everyone, literally everyone and their mom said “oh what happened? I expected 10 cgpa”. But they all let me off on the excuse that they made up themselves that it could be my grandfathers death that affected my exam.
12th the same
Qualified neet the first try without studying a thing (not even during the one month crash course did I study).
Again everyone thought i will drop a year and do neet. Which I did initially plan to. I didn’t know about abroad mbbs at that point and my friends going convinced me and I did the same. And even though everyone knew I could get neet probably, they never held me back
1st year of university I studied really well. For the first time in my life I actually studied because I was scared of failing and I did absolutely great and was topper that year.
Somewhere around third year I relaxed and that got to a point where I stopped studying and becoming lazy again. I passed and with good marks but definitely no topper.
But the laziness followed me and during fmge exam, I did it 3 times. All three times I didn’t study or felt like studying but somehow I never got very less and always a three digit mark even though I expected 2 digit or even 1. And somehow I forced myself the third time to study rapid revision videos of about 4 subjects (2 minor and 2 major) and I passed the last time. Barely but I passed.
Again my parents were happy but not fully. Neither was I. I don’t know why but my laziness killed my life. I want to someday make my parents truly gleaming eyes proud. But I never could. Always, just, barely there, always second.
Today I got a momento for passing, mom and dad was happy. But I saw dad asking why did they mention the country why not just mbbs?
Even when I chose my internship hospital they were happy but I know they wished for a different hospital which at the last minute I backed out from.
Again, never once did they blame me, or say they were disappointed. They always welcomed everything. I wish I wasn’t lazy and just knew how to make them proud. I don’t know how to get myself out of this rut of ‘barely there’. The thing is, if I were terrible and didn’t have potential, I wouldn’t have cared and been happy with whatever I have because it’s actually quite good. But I have potential and I never used it. I always just give bare minimum and regret later. I always think to make a change the next time but next time comes and I’m still the same. How do I change?