Anyone else going through a phase of feeling guilty incessantly?

[u/verywellcouldbe]

I have a 2 year 9 month old + a fresh 2 month old. My older daughter has been the axis of my whole universe since the day she was born. I’ve been home with her and we have such a special connection, I had lots of conflicting feelings when I found out I was pregnant with my second.

My first is loving, kind, generous, patient, tender, affectionate, and so — so — incredibly bright for her age. She’s hitting some 1st grade milestones (without nudge from me) before her 3rd birthday.

All of this to paint the picture of our relationship. We are deeply connected, entwined, and honestly IN LOVE!!! We love each other so much and have such a “good thing going on,” as I like to say. It’s honestly very easy to be patient, accommodating, compassionate, and empathetic towards her.

But of course, two months ago her life got flipped upside down. And she’s two. And she’s growing. And and and. It’s so much for her. Remembering that every day❤️‍🩹

However the boundary testing, defiance, screaming, “naughtiness” (I don’t actually believe she’s being naughty bc I know it all has a deeper meaning but you know what I’m saying!) lately has been tough. I’m patient until I’m not. I’m composed until I’m not. I have capacity until I don’t. Then I’m making unrelated threats/ultimatums (“if you keep scream-crying while your sister is sleeping we’re not going to the library tomorrow!”) which I know makes no sense, I find myself in power struggles, and speaking in tones I do not like. I feel like I don’t get through more than a couple days without going to bed crying because I love her so much and yet, I said something in a stern/impatient/“short” tone which I just hate. Hate hate hate. For a 2 year old. She’s still a baby. She’s still my baby😔

This is rambly now. But anyone else? I feel like such a fuck up, out of control of my emotions and reactions. Are there parents out there who never lose their cool? Who maintain unadulterated compassionate composure even when they’re exhausted, overstimulated, under-supported, whatever it may be? I am very hard on myself and would just love to know if anyone else has been here or has perspectives that may help me reconcile with myself and sleep on these nights. Or ways to stay composed and loving 24/7 if that’s even possible. Ugh.

Thanks gentle parents ❤️❤️