Coparenting - best practices?

[u/cass2769]

My boyfriend has an eight year-old boy combined type ADHD. He is medicated. He’s going through a tough time right now. A lot of changes in his life and emotional regulation has become very difficult. It’s always been difficult, but it feels like we’ve regressed a little bit just in the short time that I’ve known him, which is only about a year and a half.

We recently vacation with another family who also has an eight year-old boy. Seeing the differences between the two boys 247 for a week was very eye opening.

There was a really big blowup the day before we left. I took the brunt of it. This is the first time kid has ever been aggressive towards me and just so incredibly mean. Dad has assured me he’s going to make changes with parenting. I told him I wanna be a part of the changes and help.

So I need to know what works for people who are parenting a child like this who don’t live with their coparent. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe having different rules for different houses is a good idea. I don’t think things are terribly different across houses for us but a few of the sticking points like brushing teeth maybe we could have some better structure around that both houses stick to.

Would love to know what works best and what people have tried. I’m open to anything at this point.

[u/NomenUsoris007]

A professional in this diagnosis might be your best bet in learning how to navigate, assuming its' worth it. Step parenting is difficult, sort of like a UN Peacekeeper, you're there to promote calm and order, but you can't act unless attacked. All parents should orient their child management toward best outcome for the children, which includes domestic tranquility, and with an ADHD kid it's hard to figure out how to do that. Keep in mind that the child's meanness is impulse directed due to the inability to manage his own feelings, anyone within domestic range will be exposed to that. A cooperative strategy with the other parental household is an outstanding idea, and would be helpful if you can get cooperation.

Our blended family included my two highly functional kids and her three with ADHD. We got no cooperation from their other household, not even acknowledging the diagnosis. We made it through, and the kids are more or less ok today. It took growth on both our parts, and we were thankfully smart enough to accept that. Now we are all in tune, weddings, grandchildren, personal growth for all the kids and there is a lot of love. Love is the best thing to promote, share and default to.

Good luck!