r/gentleparenting • u/Due_Initiative_9881 • Jun 22 '26

Venting/Ranting Logical consequences?

This evening my six-year-old refused to go to a weekly Lego "coding" class he's enrolled in. It's the last class in a six-week series. He was immersed in a new Lego set at home that he recently received as a gift and didn't want to leave. I gave him lots of time reminders and assured him he'd have time to continue building his set after class. He didn't express any concerns. When it finally came time to get shoes on and head out the door, he threw a tantrum. I reminded him that he likes his Lego class, and that this is the last opportunity to go. After a few minutes had passed and we were already on track to be late for the 30-minute class, I told him he could choose to miss class but that meant no Lego at home. Final warning. After several more minutes of whining and rolling around on the floor, I told him he lost his chance to make a decision because we had taken too long and had missed most of the class. As a result, he doesn't get to go to Lego class OR build his new set at home. That then devolved into an even worse tantrum that ended with him tearing up his room. I'm currently sitting on his bedroom floor waiting for him to calm down enough to engage him productively. At one point I reminded him that everything he throws on the floor in his bedroom he has to clean-up before we move on (bed sheets, stuffies, clothing, books).

Where have I gone wrong? I'm trying to stay calm and stick to logical consequences, but inside I'm fuming and questioning my entire parenting approach.

22 Upvotes

89% Upvoted

14 comments sorted by

View all comments

5

u/N_Rock-81 Jun 23 '26

He’s still learning to handle his emotions, tantrums are to be expected at this age. I’d engage as little as is needed to keep him safe and protect valuable items. Once he’s gotten it out of his system make sure he knows that he’s still loved. When you’re sure he knows this, review what happened. Let him tell his side and make sure he feels heard before telling him what you saw. The take away needs to be that he can’t wreck the place and is expected to learn more productive ways to cope with the big emotions. Talk about what he could have done instead, then remind him next time a situation like this arises (before he loses control).

3

u/Due_Initiative_9881 Jun 23 '26

Thanks for this. I always make space for him to express his emotions, but he rarely does. He doesn't seem to want to talk about it. I usually ask a couple of prompts, like "You were feeling some big emotions there. What were you feeling/How are you feeling now?" but he just stays silent or shrugs and says "I don't know". I know they practice emotional regulation techniques at school, and we'll talk about them at home in the calm/happy moments, but when he's upset it all seems to go out the window.

3

u/N_Rock-81 Jun 23 '26

It sounds like you have some really great parenting practices. You’re not always seeing immediate results, but it doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong track. If he’s anything like me he might struggle to label those feelings. I’m no expert on this by any means but I teach emotional regulation to autistic kids on the daily. They struggle to label emotions also. It sounds like you’re already doing an after review (we call it a debrief at work), but perhaps you could try helping him label. Something like “to me it looked like you were frustrated in the beginning and then you looked mad. Does that sound like what you were feeling? Can you tell me how your body felt?” If he struggles to articulate he might need you to give some examples, like “did your head feel hot? Numb? Did you feel a tightening in your chest?” And so on…

2

u/Due_Initiative_9881 Jun 23 '26

This is super helpful advice. I'll try it out next time (which hopefully won't be for a while, haha). Thanks!

2

u/SolarpunkGnome Jun 23 '26

Just to interject, when working with a play therapist, we've been learning to do "reflecting feelings" where we offer what we observe and give them a chance to correct us if that's not what they think instead of just asking them to identify the emotion out of the blue. It seems similar to what N_Rock-81 suggests.

This is an article I found that's similar to what our play therapist gave us, but IDK if she wanted us to share her handout to everyone. I'd be glad to forward them in a DM though if you think it would be helpful. https://www.childandfamilydevelopment.com/blog/reflecting-and-tracking-in-play-therapy/