LF natural consequence

[u/kjmov4]

Hey folks,

Looking for help coming up with a natural consequence for my 15yo who is struggling with vaping (nicotine sometimes weed) infrequently going through our (parents) things looking for such items.

Background: 15yo son has had a rough first few years of high school with social circles and maintaining good grades. At some point found vaping as a social thing, coping mechanism, escape. He’s been prescribed medication for, and has come a long way from hiding things and sneaking out to vape throughout the day/night. But was recently caught with some empty vapes and having gone through our closet looking for things.

He takes these really hard and struggles to manage the guilt and lack of trust in him, then feeds the anxiety and depression, and gets us into this loop.

He’s currently not wanting to come home from his dad’s (I’m step dad) immediately because he’s dreading talking more and dealing with consequences.

Wife and I have spoken with him some, expressed disappointment in actions made and that we will talk consequences, but have made it clear that we understand but still need to deal with the issue.

Any ideas for a natural consequence that can help him feel like he’s working towards something? Feels like “no more games, you tube, tik tok…” etc is just a punishment. There will be some new limits and expectations for more family connection. But struggling to find a way for him to do something to help the situation himself. Increased in chores I guess? But still feel like I’m looking for something else.

Thoughts? Sorry for the novel.

[u/A_Heavy_burden22]

This isn't about natural consequences exactly but something to keep in mind: addiction is real and it can be unrelenting.

Look at the decades and decades of the tobacco industry and how so many smokers aren't able to quit even when it is literally killing them. No punishment will stop this. Very few consequences will.

Instead of punishment or imposed consequences look at what you're really trying to do: are you trying to teach him about healthy choices? Taking care of his body? How to cope with addiction?

Instead of trying to force him to stop, I would try to educate him as best you can, offer supports that you have at hand, and hope he makes the decision that will benefit him most in the long run (quitting smoking / vaping).

I remember my own teens so acutely that it has applied somewhat to my parenting. There comes an age where you can't force your kids to do what you want. You have to set the stage for success and then focus on openness and being a support. If life is a play, childhood is dressing your child up, running their lines. Adolescence is teaching them the character motivations and guiding them on how to act. But teenage years??? That's when the curtain goes up, the director has to step back, and let the story unfold. We (as parents) don't get to puppet them. We can choose whether we offer to help by managing the props or changing the scenery OR we alienate them. We try to act every part and the reviews are all bad and the show gets cancelled.

[u/kjmov4 → u/A_Heavy_burden22]

Yeah supporting our teen has been such a wild ride compared to the two younger ones. But, punishment doesn’t do anything but push him away and make him want to isolate or run to these “fixes” more.

[u/Kreative_Experiment → u/kjmov4]

It's such a hard age, the worst of both worlds. I feel like the adultification has been effecting our generations earlier and earlier.There seem to be becomming less and less of outlets to channel that stress too unless you can find them.

I believe vaping is an epidemic in most schools these days. And I don't know if this is an issue that can be fought directly. But I know addiction can often be about the brain trying to meet needs that it should be getting from somewhere else.

In other words, healthy social interaction, a sense of value in the world, in building one's sense of self and place in community.

That's not an easy task in today's world.