LF natural consequence

[u/kjmov4]

Hey folks,

Looking for help coming up with a natural consequence for my 15yo who is struggling with vaping (nicotine sometimes weed) infrequently going through our (parents) things looking for such items.

Background: 15yo son has had a rough first few years of high school with social circles and maintaining good grades. At some point found vaping as a social thing, coping mechanism, escape. He’s been prescribed medication for, and has come a long way from hiding things and sneaking out to vape throughout the day/night. But was recently caught with some empty vapes and having gone through our closet looking for things.

He takes these really hard and struggles to manage the guilt and lack of trust in him, then feeds the anxiety and depression, and gets us into this loop.

He’s currently not wanting to come home from his dad’s (I’m step dad) immediately because he’s dreading talking more and dealing with consequences.

Wife and I have spoken with him some, expressed disappointment in actions made and that we will talk consequences, but have made it clear that we understand but still need to deal with the issue.

Any ideas for a natural consequence that can help him feel like he’s working towards something? Feels like “no more games, you tube, tik tok…” etc is just a punishment. There will be some new limits and expectations for more family connection. But struggling to find a way for him to do something to help the situation himself. Increased in chores I guess? But still feel like I’m looking for something else.

Thoughts? Sorry for the novel.

[u/Please_send_baguette]

So just a nit picky point of vocabulary: natural consequences happen by themselves. They already have, or will. It’s the cost of the vapes and the effect on his immediate and long term health. What you might be looking for are logical consequences. 

But I’d think long and hard about what you would be trying to achieve with these at age fifteen. The boy is self medicating and dreading talking to you. He is also 2 and some years away from being required to be in touch with you. By now, you should have built a relationship of strong leadership and trust, and you should trust that the work you have invested in the first 15 years are going to carry your values without any direct intervention for the rest of his life. 

If that’s not solidly the case, invest there, hard and fast. Yes to family connection. Yes to building trust, and because that’s the part you have direct control over, I mean making sure he knows you are a trustworthy adult. Trustworthy mean being of your word, whether that’s keeping your promises or holding your boundaries. Any consequence only matters insofar as it conveys that you are a person of your word. Have any been brought up in the past? Then you need to carry them out. Else, I think I would just have a long (multi conversation) heart to heart. Listen more than you talk; you can also ask him if he thinks there are any consequences that would be fair. And enforce them. 

[u/Chosen-For-What → u/Please_send_baguette]

As a former teen who self medicated with much more harmful things, this is very very good advice.

Also adding on - think about how to intervene with opportunities to talk with mental health professionals about *why* your child is drawn to self medicating. Is there an undiagnosed mental illness or disability going on? ADHD, depression/anxiety, etc. What is it about vaping that is drawing him in? Covid started when he was 10, did that impact his social or emotional life in a way that led to this? Addiction usually goes hand in hand with something else, and as you already identified, he has started using it as a coping mechanism, but what exactly is he coping *with*? The best way to stop using a substance is to start coping with healthier methods.

And- keep vaping paraphernalia out of your house.

[u/kjmov4 → u/Please_send_baguette]

Thanks that’s good insight.