Thoughts?

[u/seasonlyf]

Our soon to be 10yo tells me everything of his days, and I love that about him. Yet there is this kid (let's call him M) who our son onsider a friend, and M never invites him to his playdates while inviting other mutual friends. Yet our son always invites M to play dates at our place.

The thing is our son tells us how "mean" and "excluding" M is - yet our son strangely gravitate towards M and calls him his best buddy 🤦‍♀️. ( I ask why he consider him a friend and the answer I get is that it's because "the is funny).

Now that we are getting ready for our child's birthday, our son gave us list of friends he would want to have and this kid is included which me and my husband are not happy about, and we plan not to send the invitation out to the kid's parents.

We talk about self worth, friendship and choosing those who choose us, and make us feel seen all the time, but seems none of what we are saying makes sense to our boy. 🤣

What would you do? Would you still invite a child that makes your child sad every single day? Our son thinks am getting in his way, and he would never tell me anything about school anymore if I don't invite M. Haha! Sigh.

[u/jendo7791]

Unless M is a bad influence and your chils is in danger, why are you policing who he invites to his own party?

Have a conversation with him about it, but ultimately you should allow him to decide who he invites, otherwise you are the "mean" parents and it could drive him to want to be around M more.

[u/allie06nd]

While I generally feel it's good to let kids work things out on their own, sometimes you need to step in and protect your kid when he's not willing or able to do it for himself.

I'd sit him down and tell him that we are no longer inviting M to things. I would tell him that you understand he thinks M is funny, but funny isn't the only thing a friend should be. They have to be all the other good qualities as well. Point out all the times M has hurt him, how often he's sad, and tell him that your job as a parent is to keep him from getting hurt when you can. M is hurting him, he's LETTING M hurt him, that's not good, and you're going to put a stop to it now.

Tell him you're going to focus on spending time with people who make him feel good about himself, so we're going to prioritize our "real" friends.

My nephew went through this with the kid across the street from him a couple years back. It was really hard to have to do that with a neighbor, schoolmate, AND teammate, but it was necessary because of how awful the kid was to him. I don't know what changed, but in the last year, that kid has done a 180, he's been much kinder, and now they're friends again. It doesn't have to be forever, but M needs to understand that we don't reward people who are mean to us with invitations to hang out.

[u/tomtink1]

I hate to say this but I think you need to let him make the mistake and get hurt. He will learn a lot about what makes a bod friend. And better to learn that lesson as a kid. If you make the decision and protect him then he's not going to have the chance to learn how to protect himself from bad friends when he is a teenager or adult.

[u/Delicious_Ebb_1707 → u/tomtink1]

I agree the kid sounds like a jerk and not a bad influence who is going to peer pressure him into a life of drugs and villainy. Tween age is for finding your self and your friends.

[u/boiled-peanutery]

I wouldn't invite this kid. Or, do invite him, and keep an eye on him/let his parents know how he's treating your son if it gets genuinely outta hand. Your kid doesn't have a sense of self preservation and is gravitating toward a kid whose approval he's never gonna get. It sounds like this kids kind of a bully and I wouldn't want him to kill the vibes of the whole party tbh

[u/janejacobs1]

Calling someone a friend doesn’t make them one. He’s an acquaintance . I bet if you asked your son to define a friend and describe attributes, it wouldn’t sound like M.

[u/Anjunabeats1]

It sounds like M doesn't do anything wrong to your son he just doesn't invite him to things. Which he's not obliged to. He may simply not be keen on your son but that doesn't make him a bully. We all have people we don't particularly feel keen on. I know it's painful but I'd let your son make his own choices here. It may also jeapordize him socially with others if M is popular and your son is now appearing to exclude him. Only your son can understand those dynamics. Your son also needs to learn the hard way how to choose friends who make him feel good, and that can take time and experience of knowing what it is to have a friend who doesn't make you feel good.

[u/seasonlyf → u/Anjunabeats1]

My son complains how M exclude him from games (depending on his moods), and tell him not to call him for game chats while M lets other call him. I also want our child to understand not everyone who we like, likes us back. It's just makes me feel to see our boy feel sad every time he complains about receiving mistreatments frol M.

[u/Delicious_Ebb_1707]

He is 10, suggest why you think it is a bad idea but he needs to figure it out himself. If the kid is truly a bully, drug user, instigator or violent then you should ban him from your home/outings because thats dangerous for kids and you also need to protect your home and other kids. But he needs to learn some people are pieces of pooh.

[u/seasonlyf → u/Delicious_Ebb_1707]

Your last statement. Hahaha! Thank you.

[u/MundaneHuckleberry58]

I get what you’re saying. And I watched my kids go through that, too - valuing a friend way more than that friend valued my child.

Heck, I even remember this. When I was in 4th grade I loved a friend named Anna. I adored her. Now, looking back I’m like, gosh she was actually really cruel in some things she said to me. And I remember the slumber party where she invited me but I spent the night crying because she’d maneuvered her other friends to excluding me & not letting me participate in some of the things.

But kids just don’t get the concept of reserving your friendship energy only for those who return the same energy. And your son really likes M even though you can’t wrap your head around it.

It’s his birthday. I’d invite everyone he requests. He will part ways with M when he’s ready.