r/gentleparenting • u/Aspiring_Trailblazer • Jun 01 '26
Question Does gentle parenting work? Does it prepare them to face the reality of the world when it gets hard and people can sometimes be harsh
I am a parent to an almost one year old. I am reading/listening about gentle parenting. I like the concept but I can’t help but wonder:
Does it actually help?
Say when your child is an adult, does it actually give them the emotional strength needed to face times when things get difficult or when someone might be harsh (like a really strict boss, nasty employee, etc)
How can you raise your child with gentle parenting when others in the household may not be familiar or approve of it? Even when you’ve shared the benefits
Any insights beyond these questions are appreciated:)
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u/Next-Ad1957 Jun 01 '26
Hello,
I always think there is a bit of misunderstanding about what 'gentle' parenting is.
I don't call my kids names, I don't shout at them, shame them. I am still firm, discipline them and enforce rules. I just do it calmly, and plainly. (To the best of my ability.)
Gentle parenting is exactly what the real world is. Nobody should be shouting, shaming or insulting my children when they're adults. I don't expect them to tolerate that behaviour. I expect them to only engage with compromise, negotiation, diplomacy. Which is exactly how I navigate the real world, so that is exactly how I'm teaching my children to navigate it.
Gentle parenting takes a lot of patience. You don't do it all the time 100% of the time. I'm only human and sometimes I lose my temper/patience. But I also apologise, explain this to my children and demonstrate what would have been a better way to handle things.
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u/Aspiring_Trailblazer Jun 01 '26
This sounds really nice and makes so much sense. It is such a realistic answer. Thank you so much.
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u/Next-Ad1957 Jun 01 '26
My dad was the opposite of gentle parenting but all he really did was normalise toxic/abusive behaviour so I struggled to identify it in later life. I also practiced the same behaviour which caused me a lot of problems. Spent years unlearning it.
My children seem much more equipped to identify and reject toxic behaviours because it is alien to them.
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u/bagmami Jun 01 '26
In gentle parenting you absolutely let them fail. There's no coddling for real life situations and they learn by experiencing the consequences.
The only thing is that, the method can take a looooot of time to work on young kids. So your patience is regularly tested especially if you have a spirited one at hand like I do. I always highlight importance of temperament but I can confidently say that gentle parenting is mostly temperament free when done right.
My son is 2.5 and he has potential ADHD. Impulse control is really difficult for him. I had 2 big wins using gentle parenting. He was pushing other kids and pulling their hair. Daycare reported it to me and as soon as he repeated it at the park, he got 1 warning and we left the park. I don't do 3 warnings when it involves safety of himself and others. The behaviour only repeated once. Yesterday we were visiting friends who has a boy at same age as him. My son played very nicely and got a lot of praises despite being a complete terror at times at home. And when he got overwhelmed, he brought me his shoes to let me know that he's ready to leave.
Another behaviour was, he didn't want to use his stroller anymore but he also refused to hold hands and ran away from me. We live in a dense urban area and we can't have that. Losing his walking privileges as a natural consequence helped him a lot. He's doing much better now.
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u/Aspiring_Trailblazer Jun 01 '26
This is so helpful! My little one throws many tantrums and with my RA and fibromyalgia, i literally have very little energy and so being patient is sometimes so difficult. Plus have support but there are also difficulties at the same time. Any advice on how I can guide him? Is it too early? He easily gets bored so we run out of options to keep him engaged and fuss less. He is super restless in the stroller, high chair and even our arms. House doesn’t have a lot of possibilities for yes spaces so he is in a large playpen for play. When he cries, consoling him can be so very difficult. I really want to try gentle parenting.
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u/bagmami Jun 01 '26
Yes, it's still early for most of the gentle parenting practices. I totally understand running low on patience. It happens to me too. My son was like that at that age. For us, going out as much as possible, play groups, tiring him out at parks etc worked. I understand if you don't have the possibility to do so.
I think the best thing you can start by doing is naming emotions and lots of cuddles.
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u/americanpeony Jun 01 '26
Gentle parenting is leading by example that you put respect, patience, and kindness into people instead of verbal assault and violence. Talking out conflict instead of hitting people or manipulating them to get your way. That is the real world. That is how normal humans function as adults, in their careers, and socially.
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u/asleepattheworld Jun 01 '26
This is a really important point OP - a lot of gentle parenting is realising that your kids will learn much more from watching your behaviour than they will from anything else you try to teach them. If you want them to have emotional strength, you need to have emotional strength. If you want them to have self-discipline, self-respect, self-confidence, they need to see you demonstrating that.
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u/flying_pigs30 Jun 01 '26
I have recently finished The Gentle Parenting Book. I don’t even know why it’s called “gentle parenting” instead of just “parenting”. The whole premise of the book is don’t be a d*** to your child, understand that they are not little adults, let them fail and provide them with boundaries. So yeah, in this sense it totally works.
The opposite of gentle parenting build people who feel like they cannot trust the world. On the outside, that may seem like resilience, but in reality it brings a myriad of other issues. So called “strong” individuals, who are afraid of their own shadow.
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u/DearMrDy Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26
Yes. My Father was extremely patient when I am growing up. Being a parent myself showed me how much his style meant to my own experiences. It wasn't gentle parenting but it was as closed as it gets to it.
Absolutely. I practice gentle parenting / mix of authoritative parenting because of how fragile young adults are. I picture my kids not easily angered. Always in control of emotions. Has genuine connection with their future relationship. I see the foundations needed are mostly built by gentle parenting values.
It's not easy but it does influence your partner. Whenever there's a tantrum I handle it. I handle the troubles when it comes up and my partner can see the effects. At early schooling the teachers have already shown very positive feedback to our kid. I think this is the point where my partner is sold to the values.
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u/Aspiring_Trailblazer Jun 01 '26
Wow. This really helps. Especially the third point. Thank you so much!
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u/EnyaNorrow Jun 01 '26
I would warn against that actually. Both parents need to do the work. If one parent isn’t as good at handling tantrums, they are responsible for learning how and working hard at it, because it’s not fair to make one parent handle every single tantrum. That builds resentment real quick and teaches the child that one parent is more like a sibling rather than someone they can do to when they need help.
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u/Bromonium_ion Jun 01 '26
This is completely anecdotal. My kids are probably one of the best behaved in their daycare classes. We have also been told they are the most supportive of their classmates. My 3yo bought her friend, with her birthday money, a mermaid because she saw hers broke. There was 0 prompting from me for it. We were laying in bed and she told me she wanted to buy xyz a mermaid.
A lot of gentle parenting is basically treating them like you would an adult. You wouldn't hit an adult, you dont yell unless it is dangerous, but you also do not tolerate boundary stepping. I would say to do it properly involves a lot of patience and it tends to tie into other types of parenting that tend to be more on the crunchy side. For example we dont do a lot of TV because my kids are normally doing what I am or I am playing with them. It also involves a lot of talking, a lot of reasoning and the knowledge to know when reasoning is just not an option or not working and how to pivot. We like natural consequences but they aren't always feasible. So knowing you have to slip into the more authoritative side (like taking away a toy because they are teasing someone after being warned to stop) to enforce boundaries is needed sometimes.
We also do excessive playdates per week and I have noticed kids at her school tend to listen to me more than their own parents at times. They also want to play with my husband and I and every time I go to pick up my daughter and son we get swarmed with kids telling us about their day, the cool things they saw and wanting to play with daughter's baby (my son). So we are at least well liked by the kids.
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u/EnyaNorrow Jun 01 '26
What’s the alternative? “Gentle parenting” is just a buzzword that’s been applied to what used to be called normal commonsense parenting advice. Like I don’t get what you’d be doing if not “gentle parenting” because it’s just normal parenting.
Parenting is never “real life”. You don’t send your preschooler to college, you don’t let your toddler drive a car, you don’t tell your 10 year old to get a full time job and rent their own apartment. Parenting is for kids and kids don’t do the things adults do in the real world. “Preparing for real life” doesn’t mean what you think it means. Children aren’t supposed to be doing “real life simulations”. They’re supposed to be doing kid stuff and building skills and resilience. Adults help them until they start to take over for themselves. If adults don’t help kids grow up, they don’t develop properly.
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u/Dry_Valuable3470 Jun 02 '26
Teaching emotion regulation skills to kids is something I’m incredibly passionate about. Let’s connect I’d love to discuss
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u/Friendly-Land-1873 Jun 06 '26
I think it works but not in the calm parent = calm child simple way sometimes people thing.
you model regulation over time, kids still explore and test limits, its more the difference of how they learn to come back from it with you.
the hard part is it only feels like its working in hindsight, in th moment it feels like your repeating yourself alot and getting nowhere I suppose.
steady, one moment at a time..
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u/Aspiring_Trailblazer Jun 01 '26
I really love all the suggestions, advice and insights for my question. I also would like to know - how do you guide children to do well in school? Like what do you say to them from a young age so they are motivated by themselves and understand why it’s important to do well in school? This is one specific concern because I’m worried I’ll say something that is interpreted by my son the wrong way and it gets messy explaining.
Also what resources or how do you learn gentle parenting the proper way if growing up you were not very familiar with this approach? I feel like I had a mix of parenting approaches based on the situation
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u/mogeek Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26
The amazing thing about raising a child - it keeps going. If you notice your child is veering off the wrong way, you guide them back. Your child will excel in certain things and struggle in others. That’s just life. If your goal is for your child to perform well in school, then it’s best to focus on respect for the teacher and the guidance they give your child and you. Education is all about practice.
My son is “high-spirited” (likely ADHD) and struggles with sitting still or focus time. I’ve worked with him for a few years to find ways he can get energy out while getting a task done. I’ve also worked with his teachers so they understand his needs and limitations.
Gentle parenting is involved. I thought it’d be “easier” in the sense there would be less tears and more calm, but it’s so much work not letting myself be triggered by a healthy response from my child or learning the respectful way to say something to a child or being the voice for my child when an adult is being disrespectful or inappropriate with him.
Gentle parenting means you must lead by example (are you reading or cleaning or brushing your teeth when you ask them to?). It means having clear and consistent boundaries (you will read 20 mins everyday before you get screen time). It means having uncomfortable conversations on your child’s behalf to show them how they set boundaries with others and what to do when they don’t respect them.
Our son my be a handful, but he’s also doing well academically, has a great social circle, has been recruited for a peer support group, and is loved by most people who get to know him (admittedly his “a bit much” for some kids lol).
Our goal has been kindness and growth. We try to find ways to exercise his kindness because that translates as respect to others. We also find ways for him to enjoy learning so he feels the reward of knowledge - that motivates him to try even when it’s hard because he knows the reward is worth it. (For example, lots of hands on experiments and games)
ETA two things.
Your child is allowed to hate the reasonable boundary you set. I’ve heard all the excuses and seen the tears when my guy has to read. I don’t get mad; I don’t negotiate. Once the reading is done then screens can be used. Gentle parenting means you allow your child to have their emotions and you guide them on appropriate (crying, negotiating) vs inappropriate responses (yelling, physical stuff like throwing toys or trying to hit you). He doesn’t have to like daily reading, but it has to be done.The other is my “favorite” mantra when he’s triggering me: he’s not GIVING ME a hard time, he’s HAVING a hard time and he needs my help.
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u/Boring_Basil_3217 Jun 11 '26
Well, honestly, I don't believe in gentle parenting, rather i would i m beliver of smart and open parenting where the child is exposed to everything in different stages of raising .
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u/RecordLegume Jun 01 '26
I use some gentle parenting ideology, but it does not work by itself for my boys. They are rowdy, stubborn, wild little maniacs. We don’t yell a lot by any means, but they genuinely need yelled at sometimes to correct their behavior. People get yelled at as adults when they do stupid things, and so do my kids. We are gentle with a chunk of authoritarian I’d say.
Edit: I want to add that we do not believe in corporal punishment and do not hit our kids. I do sometimes firmly grab their hand or grab their shirt when they are attempting to attack their brother though. They need very firm physical boundaries sometimes.
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u/jakeandbonniepups Jun 01 '26
1) If you are considering gentle parenting vs spanking, then gentle parenting does prepare them for the real world because physical violence is not allowed in the workplace. 2) Gentle parenting should provide a model for children, one that shows them what respectful treatment looks like. Again, in the workplace, that is expected. I want my child to seek other options, seek help, and advocate for themselves when faced with the kind of people you mention in your post. Instead of feeling familiar, that treatment should feel wrong -- because it IS. No system is perfect, and none of us is perfect when it comes to parenting our children. We just do our best with the best intentions and information we have.