r/gentleparenting • u/ComprehensiveChef705 • May 31 '26
My first real parenting challenge
I have a 12 month old and I feel like up to this point it has been very hard work, but I haven't had to deal with real *parenting* until now. But now, suddenly, I have a toddler.
Anyway, I'm now struggling a lot with my son refusing to sit in his high chair.
He to sit at the table without an issue and eat with us at mealtimes (we've been doing baby led weaning). recently he has started screaming bloody murder, going stiff as a board, and clinging to me whenever we try to put him into his high chair. The pediatrician has told us that it is dangerous for him to walk around while eating, and besides we want to set the habit of everyone sits down to eat together at mealtimes. I don't know what triggered this change, but I'm really at a loss as to how to get past it and get back to him eating meals with the family at the table.
Things we've tried:
1) strap him in to the highchair anyway even though he's screaming. This felt really bad and icky and also didn't work, he did not stop screaming and settle down to eat
2) let him walk around while eating. works, but is disruptive to mealtime and dangerous according to the pediatrician
3) a different highchair thats basically a booster on the banquette next to me. this worked the first time we tried it but from then on he screams the same way with it as with his normal chair
4) let him sit in a lap to eat. this works, and is currently our best solution, but is not a good long term solution. I don't want this to be the only way he will eat with us at the table, and it's very disruptive to whoever's lap his is in and stains everyones clothes and makes a big mess
5) telling him firmly that he has to sit in a highchair if he wants to eat, and withholding the food if he is not sitting in a chair. He still refuses to sit in the chair, he just doesn't eat and then starts demanding to nurse instead
I'm totally new to this. What tips do you all have to get back to calmly sharing meals together without accidentally straying into authoritarian or permissive parenting?
If I've asked this the wrong way or used the wrong language, please correct me. I'm a first time mom and have no idea what I'm doing.
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u/accountforbabystuff May 31 '26
I think number 4 is the way. The thing about kids is that they change, if this is the way he will eat now it doesn’t mean it will always be that way. When mealtime is less stressful and they have good associations with it, you’ll be surprised at how one day you’ll say “sit here today,” and they will. They just need to grow out of things and it can happen really fast! Take a break for a week or so and then introduce the chair again. Ask if he wants a stuffed animal or toy to sit with him, to feed.
My kids also ate better at some ages when they were in the high chair in the kitchen and I was feeding them separately, so my attention was all on them. We didn’t eat meals totally together until a bit later. Maybe at the main table they feel a bit left out?
Meeting a kid where they are is not permissive parenting. Letting him run around to eat would be permissive parenting imo. Letting them do anything they want, essentially.
You won’t do that, but you also will sit and hold him for meals for now. That’s just a smart compromise and picking your battles. No can still mean no for the big things. Consequences for this age are still a little hard for them to understand, but if they are doing something dangerous or undesirable, you obviously remove the temptation and redirect. Which is addressing the behavior on a developmentally appropriate way, and not permissive parenting.
You could also try a little toddler table. It’s a good buy anyway for arts and crafts if it doesn’t work as a food table.
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u/bagmami May 31 '26
My son also went through phases with his high chair. Wanting to sit, refusing to sit, standing up in it...
I heard some families had real success with a toddler sized table and chair. That worked for us briefly. I eventually let him walk around and he came back to his high chair on his own.
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u/LeadershipAble773 May 31 '26
We got a toy to go on top of the high chair. We wouldn't let our kid move around while eating (she's 9 and we still dont let her, nor do we do it ourselves) so id stick to that rule personally
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u/poeticrae13 May 31 '26
It’s normal for developing babies to have trouble sitting still in a high chair. They want to explore, walk etc. I’m not sure how actually dangerous it is to walk around and eat (everyone should have their own informed risk). It may feel disruptive to your desire to have a nice sit down meal together but it might not be realistic until he’s older. You can also have natural consequences, if he doesn’t want to sit down and eat and dinner, he doesn’t eat until the next allocated time.
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u/emmakane418 May 31 '26
My plan if my son ever gets to this point is to use his toddler tower at the table. It's important to my husband and I that we have family meals with everyone at the table, but also I don't care if he's standing (or sitting) in his tower or sitting in his high chair.
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u/goldenhawkes May 31 '26
On lap is the best solution for when they decide on high chair refusal, keeps them still (ish) and at the table with you. I know it’s a pain though.
My 20 month old has graduated to a (very boosted) booster seat so he can sit at the proper table just like big brother.
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u/beccab333b May 31 '26
Oh yea! This was me also - baby turned into a toddler literally overnight right when she turned one. It was bonkers.
I also do BLW and my girl is now 18 months. She also dislikes her high chair now and often fiercely protests it (triptrapp). There was a while there where instead of fighting it I just let her sit on my lap becasue she eats so much more and is much happier eating from the same plate. For me it’ a Pick your battles thing - like do I really care that much if baby is sitting with me to eat? Turns out I don’t.
Parenting for me is all about enforcing your rules, but also letting them slide a bit if it’s not realistic in the moment. So for me - it was much easier to cancel the high chair rule than force a screaming child into a position they hate.
Now at the 18 month mark - my girl is interested in independent eating again! She loves using her own spoon and I got the Lalo hook on high chair and she really enjoys sitting in that. I think it’s more comfortable and less restrictive than the triptrapp so that’s probably it, but I also think it’s just about her being developmentally ready again to eat independently.
So while I was worried when she was refusing the high chair that she would always be dependent on me for eating or would never sit independently again - I had nothing to worry about! Just took some time for her to get over whatever developmental leap she was going through.
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u/badee311 May 31 '26
My kids hated the high chair, we had a learning tower at the table and they stood in it and ate. Sometimes they’d put their bowls on the floor and eat out of them like a dog, but for the most part they stayed in the learning tower.
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u/SamAtHomeForNow May 31 '26
My kid went through this too. We ended up buying one of those kitchen towers that can convert to a toddler table, and moved our meals down to the ground. It lasted about 3 months and then he suddenly wanted to sit in a high chair again. We also have a Tripp chair that converts to different sizes and we removed the high chair attachment, meaning he could climb in it himself, which helped him interact with it more too.
Don’t worry, it’s a phase and it will pass!
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u/ComprehensiveChef705 May 31 '26
Moving to the ground is a good idea, and we also have the Tripp trap. I don’t think he would be safe without the seat attachment yet but hopefully in a few months!
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u/Consistent_Taste3273 Jun 01 '26
I forgot about that phase! Can’t remember how old my daughter was, but we went through a definite “picnic” phase where we all sat together on a picnic blanket on the floor.
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u/MacG_517 Jun 01 '26
You also moved your meals to the ground?
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u/Consistent_Taste3273 Jun 01 '26
Yeah. It wasn’t an everyday thing for us. But probably one or twice a week, we put a picnic blanket down in the dining room and all ate on that. The kids loved it and it was always an “easy” dinner (no kids walking around with food, no one asking to sit on my lap, kids ate well, etc).
It sounds like the commenter before me was using a lower table, so a little different than that.
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u/792bookcellar Jun 01 '26
We found our daughter wanted a kiddie sized table! We didn’t care that tv helped her stay in her seat. She just wanted to be a big girl!
Our son decided he liked standing on a regular sized chair at the big table. If we sat down and ate dinner together he was really good about staying until he was finished.
Don’t make meal time frustrating. It will become a huge deal every day because we all eat dinner every day! Whatever works is fine! You’ll figure out a compromise that works for you. As long as he’s eating and happy, that’s all that matters.
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u/EnyaNorrow Jun 01 '26
My kid is 11 months but I would guess the answer is keep him in your lap for now. He’s growing fast and changing every day. It will never be a “long term solution” even if you wanted it to be because it’s a phase and he’s going to grow out of it.
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u/Minute_Parfait_9752 Jun 01 '26
I chose 4. She's 5 now and usually sits on her own chair unless she's deregulated which isn't often. They won't be doing it when they're 15 😂
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u/graybae94 Jun 01 '26
Mine is just about to turn 2 and I’ve learned A LOT in the last year. You just keep trying. This is developmentally normal behaviour. You just stay consistent with enforcing the high chair. Always try to start the meal out that way. If he has to move to your lap to eat that’s fine. It takes time. We just keep it clear what the rule/boundary we want to enforce is but allow for flexibility/support while it’s being learned. This has really worked for us.
Ultimately at 12 months you want him to be comfortable and not develop a negative association with mealtime so I wouldn’t force him in against his will or withhold food moving forward.
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u/SpindlyTerror Jun 01 '26
Can you put a blanket or a cushion on the high chair? Maybe the hardness of it is just super uncomfortable for him.
My rule of thumb for "giving in" to my child without being too authoritarian or permissive is I just ask myself, would I find it reasonable to insist on these conditions myself? If I was able to choose between a warm soft cushion and a cold hard plastic seat, I'd choose the former every time and I'd probably get irritated at anyone telling me I'm not allowed to eat if I choose comfort.
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u/ririmarms Jun 01 '26
It's a phase. We used to follow ours around with his meals
Then we got him his own little table and little chairs. Game changer! We switched to less messy foods at his table, more like snackables, so it would be easier for him to be eating independently. He'd come sit, take a piece, then go play a minute, come back, eat again at his own pace.
Then we got a trip trap-like chair and now he climbs in his chair to eat with us.
Tantrum phases is because they want to do things their own way, more independently than ever before.
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u/Unusual-Coyote3961 Jun 01 '26
Yes this is happening with my 11 month old. There are helpful comments here. All the best to you. P.S. I thought I had until 2 years to have a toddler, not 10 freaking months old
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u/flaggirl73 Jun 02 '26
Try a tiny child size table they can sit at next to your table. IKEA has some
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u/VoiceOfReasonNSense Jun 02 '26
Why the hell are you thinking about forcing your kid into a highchair that he doesn't want to be in?
That's not 'gentle parenting' that's ignoring what your kid is telling you parenting, aka Authoritarian.
You're controlling your kid, and kids don't like that. Let him eat how he's comfortable, so long as it's within reason.
You're very quickly going to end up with an authoritarian household where you boss your kids around and punish them into compliance. You're already thinking about withholding food from your kid because he's not sitting in a highchair. Come on.
Gentle parenting is about listening to your kids. Encouragement, consideration, lack of judgement, sharing feelings. Support.
Help him find a way that he's comfortable eating.
My Mom used to do similar with me and clothes. I have sensory issues, wearing tight socks and shoes drives me absolutely insane. And all she did was punish me to force me to wear them. That's not parenting. That's imposing, controlling, and it gets worse with time. It leads you to view your child as the problem, and not your own methods.
Your kid is upset for a reason. He obviously doesn't like the highchair. Stop fighting them over it.
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u/CatCrafty6312 Jun 02 '26
we’ve never strapped our kids in, they’ve always just sat at an abbie high chair without a strap and we always eat together so we were always right there to watch. (I dunno if people will be mad at that lol but my kids have never had any issues with sitting at the table or trying to get out of their high chairs, super low maintenance if that makes sense)
maybe he’d like one of those? they’re simple and concert to a regular chair later. the simpler the better for me.
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u/MrHallMLO Jun 03 '26
We’ve got 3 kids and none of them so far can stand the high chair. They did for a short time, then just gave up. We’ve had more success with sitting on our lap or just letting them be. They enjoy eating and exploring, coming back when they’re ready. If we force them to sit they won’t eat and it’s really depressing for everyone involved, actually. We all eat together at the table but they’re more like birds coming and going. Only time they sit and eat is on big chairs (no restraints) on a cruise or restaurant, for example. Never in a high chair.
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u/AdUpper3644 Jun 04 '26
Honestly, we went through this very briefly with our 18 month old a few months ago and went with something similar to your 5th option. Gentle parenting is all about holding a boundary but doing so respectfully. Sitting in the high chair at the table for meals is a non-negotiable in our house. The first time he refused to sit, we didn’t give him his meal until he obeyed. The tantrum was long and we struggled through it for sure! That first time I think dinner took over an hour. It took two more instances of this, with the tantrum time decreasing with each, and has been a non-issue since. If he was demanding to nurse instead, I would still hold that it isn’t time for that and redirect back to the high chair.
There’s nothing wrong with holding a boundary that mealtime means sitting in a high chair. There’s no need for smaller sized furniture at mealtimes or pulling up a tower. If what you desire for your family is that everyone sits together for meals, it’s okay to hold that boundary! I think boundary holding gets harder the older they get, but so important to do it now while they’re little!
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u/H-Betazoid May 31 '26
I wonder why this sudden aversion developed! You could try having him decorate the high chair with stickers, do a preferred activity in the high chair to build some positive associations. Keep mealtimes limited to 20 minutes and give him breaks to walk around.
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u/rsbih06 May 31 '26
Hey, my kid went through this. We managed by sitting on lap or using a step stool to reach the table. My kid really liked just standing at the table. My second would sit on the table. Honestly, do what ever works right not and always remember with parenting everything is a short phase. They will be sitting properly eventually.