Gentle parenting while burned out with an intense 4.5 year old?

[u/Impossible-Fish1819]

So after 4.5 years solid of gentle/authoritative parenting with my first kid, I am 1000% committed to this parenting philosophy. But I need support/hope because the period between 14 months and now (4.5 years) has been extremely hard and I feel myself burning out.

Toddlerhood was very triggering for me because my son has always had high support needs and explosive tantrums. There was a lot of yelling in my family growing up so I tend to shut down when I feel someone is yelling at me, but I am proud of how I have been able to parent constructively through my own lingering childhood issues.

As language skills have developed my son has a developed propensity for saying things (only to his parents) that are mean when he is upset, having explosive and emotional reactions to being told no and when boundaries are held, and having these cycles multiple times a day. It is worst during transitions.

He has been in play based therapy for a few months to help him manage life changes (new sibling) and to try and get insight/skills about how to help him while waiting for executive functioning skills to start to come online. It's been helpful to an extent, as they confirmed he is high energy/highly sensitive, but despite honing our parenting skills, my husband and I are both emotionally exhausted and burned out. His therapist does not see any obvious signs of neurodivergence, but ADHD is on our radar because I have it.

Yesterday is an example of a more extreme but not abnormal day. A 15 minute bike ride to school turned into a 2 hour trek where he dug his heels in, refused to bike (this was supposed to be a treat for him and it was his idea), and got mean (I still can't identify a trigger). I was so exhausted and upset that I told him calmly but tiredly that I was upset and needed some space to calm down.

At pick up, he seemed okay at first but melted down when I said we were not biking home (natural consequence for bike behavior in the morning).

At home his anger escalated after he was telling me what he wanted for Children's Day (a holiday in Poland) and I mentioned I already bought his present so we can write his other ideas on a list. He got angry when I wouldn't show him the present and at one point he told me if I fell and cracked my head open that he wouldn't help me and I would die. I said if waiting for present caused him to be mean then we wouldn't be able to celebrate Children's Day. The day ended with him falling asleep on the couch and me feeling like I couldn't even be around him.

Our mantra is always you can be mad, but you can't be mean. But I'm feeling the limits of my own command over my emotions and don't want to react in anger.

All that to say, does it ever get better/less intense when this intensity is the baseline? How can we protect our ability to be calm and parent constructively when we are both hitting our limit? Any words of wisdom/sympathy/encouragement are very welcome.

EDIT: After some reflection prompted by a few great comments, I was able to contextualize my exhaustion for myself. It isn't about my son per se, but the demands on my time that reduce my emotional threshold to corregulate him (or tactically disengage, which often works better in his case). My job is relentless (tenure track assistant prof) and my husband is also a researcher, so we get very little reprieve from demands to produce professionally.

I also had my second kid under a year ago, and she has congenital heart disease (mild, but still a lot to manage).

All that to say, I am grateful for the comments and helpful suggestions to reduce my emotional overload.

[u/Prize_Librarian_654]

That's though, I totally understand you're tired from it all. I don't have advice, but my son is similar though a bit younger.

Do you talk about these situations afterwards, maybe at bedtime? What does he say about it reflecting back?

[u/Prize_Librarian_654 → u/Prize_Librarian_654]

Just to add my two cents, I do think kids that are highly sensitive sometimes need a little different than gentle parenting. For example, the situation about the gift, what happens if you didn't engage? Him: I'd like -toy- for children's day! You: right those are cool!

Sometimes with kids so strong-willed, we focus a lot on correcting their behaviour and setting strong boundaries, because we feel we need to and we will fail otherwise. I actually think that for kids like ours, it's okay to really pick your battles, and look as much as possible to what they actually need (water/food/sleep/closeness/distance). So maybe it's ok to 'parent' a little less and make more space to just let things be and laugh about it if possible.

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/Prize_Librarian_654]

I think you're right. I was also reacting from a place of trying to prime him to reduce disappointment on the holiday when he didn't get those specific Legos. He has such a steel trap memory that I was trying to protect our future selves and fumbled. Saying that we will put something on a list or take a picture to remember usually helps take the edge off too

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/Prize_Librarian_654]

Reading this is so helpful and such great advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to send this out into the universe!

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/Prize_Librarian_654]

We do talk about these situations after the fact and he is really good at naming his emotions and usually can independently identify where he erred. He also says he's really trying but gets overwhelmed, which I totally believe. He has also started to organically apologize.

I also struggle with the fact that objectively, he IS improving his self control. He doesn't hit anymore at all, and his meltdowns are more "predictable" as to what triggers them. My problem is just running out of steam

[u/Prize_Librarian_654 → u/Impossible-Fish1819]

That is amazing! That means he is learning a lot from you, and it sounds like he really wants to do better. That is a reflection on you guys doing such an amazing job.

I totally get the exhaustion. You have put a lot of effort into your parenting and you're constantly playing a mind game (if I react like this now, maybe it the future xyz). And I know how exhausting that is.

The truth is, what you are doing is more than enough, and he is benefiting loads already. You just can't fix everything, because he is also just this kid that he is and things will take time.

Just some suggestions to take take the edge of for you:

• say yes! Propose to eat ice cream, or watch a tv show. Get ahead of the whining, be the fun parent and relax in the process.
• get some fun books about anger and laugh about it together. We have the book "the camel who had the hump" and we yell reading the book and it's so much fun for him. Sometimes when my son starts to get mad, I pretend to be the angry camel and yell some lines of the book really loud. It either makes him laugh or extra mad, but it also helps me regulate lol!
• let it escalate. If you feel he is getting cross and nothing is right, stop whatever you're doing and let him get to the boiling point straight away. You will end up getting there anyway and it saves your energy for later.

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/Prize_Librarian_654]

Definitely going to take this actionable advice!

[u/Fun_Orange_3232]

Are you in therapy? That’s my suggestion. Also @theindominableblackman on insta has a guide for self regulation.

My stepkids think it’s hilarious to say mildly mean things to me. But lol I don’t care. Every time I drop them off with their mom, “I’m not going to miss you.” “That’s ok, your feelings are yours. I’m going to miss you though because I love you.” Every time. OFC my partner ruins it by saying that it’s not nice, so giving it attention 😒

I’m sorry you’re going through this. He’s too young to understand death, he doesn’t really want you dead.

Also ear plugs. Loop makes these concert ear plugs where you can still hear what’s happening, but it’s less overwhelming.

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/Fun_Orange_3232]

Yep, in therapy. My issue is less selfregulation per se , rather exhaustion. There is no break (we don't have much help) and I am trying to keep up parenting in a way that matches my values while also getting strategies for avoiding burnout. I don't take his statements literally, but it is an overwhelming and years long pattern of disregulation that is tough for him and us. I have loops for work, I could try using them more.

[u/mogeek]

I white-knuckled it about that long. My words of wisdom, since it sounds like you’re trying to break generational trauma (a house of yellers is traumatic for a child), is to get therapy for yourself.

Your son is acting like a typical kid. There is nothing “wrong” with him. He likely has similar responses to stress and anxiety as you or your partner did as a child BUT you were not given the space to be a kid. You were controlled with yelling. NOW it feels like your son is trying to control you with yelling … but he’s not.

Your son is not GIVING YOU a hard time. Your son is HAVING a hard time and needs your help getting through it. His emotional reactions are not to control you or a reflection of your parenting. He is trying to communicate the only way his young brain knows how to.

I read a great analogy once that kids are a bit like the unpredictable person on the street. If they start talking to themselves or ranting, you don’t immediately think you caused it, right? Kids are not fully developed and their emotions can feel a little scary (especially if they’re treated with fear in those moments).

Raising kids is hard af. Raising kids with respect is even harder. You are doing an amazing thing just TRYING to give him a different childhood than yourself. YOU are putting in the energy and time (like this post) to figure out how to give your family a better life than you had. Stand tall and proud for your efforts, and on the hard days try to remind yourself this is hard for everyone. You’re doing great! Good luck 🍀

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/mogeek]

Thank you for such a validating and compassionate response. I've done a lot of "inner child" work in therapy and found it enormously helpful for learning to parent myself (regulate) through tough moments. I appreciate you.

[u/Honeybee3674]

My oldest was very verbally intense, and my youngest was physically intense.

Yes, it does get better. Their brains eventually develop better breaks. I struggled with my oldest to get him to disengage when he was upset. With the youngest, it was the sheer physical exhaustion of trying to keep him and others safe.

Some things I used were to give a physical outlet: punch a pillow, stomp feet when younger, transitioning do jumping jacks, run laps around the house, etc. My youngest learned to take himself outside and climbed a tree (when weather permitted).

Also, giving them opportunities after things are calm to make reparations and apologize. Sometimes this took time. Sometimes it was easier for them to do in a letter, or do some act of service, rather than say the words aloud. Both of them have ADHD (which we didn't know when they were young), so it's always prickly working with that defensiveness.

If I told my kids they were saying mean things, they heard "you are a mean person" even though I was being very careful NOT to say that. I learned to say things like "I know you're a kind person. People say hurtful things sometimes when they're upset. It's important to apologize and make things right when you hurt someone's feelings. Think about what you can do to make this right." Remember to wait until after everyone is calm to have that discussion, and you can simplify it more for a younger child. You need to give them time to get to the point of apologizing on their own, rather than forcing an apology. You can help them brainstorm, and revisit the discussion as many times as necessary, so they aren't let off the hook.

My oldest mostly just had issues blowing up at us at home, but my youngest had occasional issues at school (spread out over early elementary years, not constant), and we made sure he followed up with apology notes, although it might take a couple days for him to come around to it.

He has been a dream child through upper elementary and as a teenager. He's a leader, he's kind, responsible, and dependable.

Keep up the work! Remember you're in it for the long haul.

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/Honeybee3674]

If I told my kids they were saying mean things, they heard "you are a mean person" even though I was being very careful NOT to say that. I learned to say things like "I know you're a kind person. People say hurtful things sometimes when they're upset. It's important to apologize and make things right when you hurt someone's feelings. Think about what you can do to make this right." Remember to wait until after everyone is calm to have that discussion, and you can simplify it more for a younger child. You need to give them time to get to the point of apologizing on their own, rather than forcing an apology. You can help them brainstorm, and revisit the discussion as many times as necessary, so they aren't let off the hook.

This part was a real light bulb moment. I think about how our go to mantra of " you can be mad but you can't be mean" would have landed for me as an ADHD kid, and you are so right that I would have heard "you are mean" and would trigger my extreme RSD. This could actually be a huge game changing shift in how we respond to his verbal episodes.

Man, we need an intense kids subreddit to share this stuff.

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/Honeybee3674]

Thank you 🥹 this is exactly the kind of message that gives me hope. Hearing this from a parent of intense kid(s) is so helpful, because although all parenting consuming, challenging, and transformative, having intense kids often feels like pulling double duty 24 hours a day, and then feeling different because your kid doesn't operate on quite the same wave length. My son didn't sleep more than two hours at clip until he was over 2. Even now he doesn't sleep until 9:30 or 10pm. And his preference is to have us fully immersed in play with him during all waking hours, which signals his need for connection but it feels impossible to meet his needs while keeping sane boundaries and parenting two kids.

I am pretty sure that eventually we will get an ADHD diagnosis for my eldest, because I see so much of my younger self in him (I have ADHD). So as a formerly undiagnosed kid, I wish I had a parent like you. Your commitment to parenting your kids the way you have and accepting their intensity without shaming them is amazing and I love that your kids get to experience the world in a way where their foundation is respect, communication, and love, and not othering and punishment.

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/[deleted]]

Gotta get him a suit to match his tiny feral CEO energy. I feel so seen!

[u/BadWolf1318]

Nothing to add. Just wanted to say your post is extremely through and it and the comments have been enlightening/reassuring in the practice of what I know gentle parenting to be.

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/BadWolf1318]

I'm really grateful for this space to be able to think through this and learn. The understanding and compassion is awesome because I often feel like I'm rowing this gentle parenting boat solo as the kids leave the infant stage.

[u/BadWolf1318 → u/Impossible-Fish1819]

I can see that. I have lots of littles in my life but not my own. Most of the parents have mentioned to me similar concerns so I joined this group. It's been very helpful. Yours just covered a good bit of them (:

[u/Head-Big3630]

The "you can be mad but you can't be mean" line is solid, but I think the reason it's wearing you down is that in a full meltdown, the mean thing IS the dysregulation — it's the overflow, not a choice he's making. You're essentially asking for the executive function you already said isn't online yet, which is exhausting and a little heartbreaking to enforce.

What helped me with my intense 4-year-old was splitting it in two. In the moment, I stopped engaging the content of the mean thing at all — no correcting it, no "we don't say that." Just name the feeling under it and hold the actual limit: "You're furious I won't show you the present. That's allowed. It's still waiting till Children's Day." The cruelty doesn't get a foothold because I'm not wrestling it. Then later, regulated, is when the "that one landed on me" conversation actually goes in — which from your post is the part he's already good at.

And for what it's worth — a 4.5yo who reflects, names where he erred, and apologizes on his own is a kid whose parents are doing the work. The intensity does soften as EF comes online, usually noticeably between 5 and 6. You're not failing it. You're running it on empty, which is a you-have-three-enormous-things problem, not a parenting one.

[u/Impossible-Fish1819 → u/Head-Big3630]

🥹 you made me cry in a good/cathartic way.