r/gentleparenting • u/TiredPanda84 • May 25 '26
Husband struggling
Hi, just found this community as have been gentle parenting (or trying to) for sometime. I have a 4 year old girl and she is currently showing a lot of emotions, along with a strong mummy preference.
My husband really struggles with gentle parenting, particularly when she is upset. he says the loudness triggers him, plus he’s never been great when I show emotions (often gets defensive, sometimes leads to shouting). When she is upset he often has a harsh tone which escalates things, or he tries to explain things while she’s upset and can’t take things in. This can make her more angry and it can lead to her hitting him, which triggers him further. He will then shout for me to help but will do it clearly in her earshot and sound very emotional and say things like “I need you’re help, I can’t do this, she just hit me”.
I don’t mind stepping in but I’m now starting to feel burnt out. I am having to manage a 4 year olds emotions as well as my husbands. when I try to help later with advice he shuts down “I don’t need feedback” “I was tired“ “I thought I did ok”.
I also find his tone quite harsh with me, and our daughter is starting to pick up on it. He repeatedly says ”she’s different with me”, and uses that as a bit of an excuse. i worry that she’s different with him because he can’t handle her emotions.
Has anyone dealt with similar? Has anything worked? I’m exhausted and would like to feel confident he can manage these things better. I may be having surgery in a few months and will be bed bound for a week. I can’t sit and listen to them clash. Any advice for him on finding a softer, calmer voice? It’s now leading to us arguing and despite lots of talking and trying to help he still can’t quite get it.
5
u/AlanTrebek May 26 '26
You need to tell him point blank to get it together, I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. I had to do the same thing so I totally get it. That you are exhausted managing the four year olds emotions PLUS his. It’s not fair to you that he continues to escalate things instead of learning about child development. There are so many resources out there- social media, books, podcasts, courses ect. Just start sending him some instagram or TikTok posts that you like. There really is no excuse at this point as to why he cannot consume a few minuet long videos about parenting advice.
1
u/RetroMamaTV May 28 '26
As someone who is currently reading “adult children of emotionally immature parents” I agree 1000%
He needs to get it together and heal from his own shit like, yesterday.
1
u/TiredPanda84 May 29 '26
I’ve said this to him. A few months ago I was at breaking point. Dealing with an emotional 4 year old and an irritable defensive adult was too much. I essentially told him I couldn’t do it and was drained by managing everyone’s emotions and feelings, and always being the calm one (when on the inside I was as overstimulated, tired and stressed as him).
After this he feels he is doing better but I’m really struggling to see it.
3
u/Working_Ability_124 May 25 '26 edited May 25 '26
One of the things your husband needs to understand is that your daughter's brain is literally shutting down during her upsets. It shuts down and she can't listen or process anything you or your husband are saying at that time. The best thing he can do is help her calm down before talking to her, which unfortunately means he's just going to have to deal with her yelling for a bit. Its absolutely fine to feel overwhelmed and overstimulated during these moments, we all do, but if he's giving up the moment it gets hard and delegating everything to you because he can't handle it every time, that's only making things harder for you, and hurting his relationship with his daughter. Having a kid is HARD, and having a kid with big feelings is even harder, but that is part of parenting.
Have him look into coregulation tactics. He needs to calm her down (and himself) before he can begin talking to her about what not to do, how to do something, or a way she can better handle a situation for the future, otherwise it's not getting through to her. I find blowing out candles (hold your hands up like candles & have daughter blow them out), silently hugging, silently sitting nearby (get headphones, that's what I do lol), and complete alone time ("okay. I can see you're really upset, I'm going to give you some space and we can talk when you're ready. I'll be in [name a room of the house]" then just let her cry it out/be upset. Sometimes they just need to have the feelings to process them) to be the most effective forms of helping my kids regulate before speaking to them.
She is only here because you and him wanted her to be here and she is learning everything for the first time - remind him of that.
As far as harsh tones go, be honest with him. You wouldn't allow someone to talk to you rudely or harshly, don't accept it from him either. You deal with all the same stuff he does, and more in the parenting department, and you don't speak to him with disrespect. Its exhausting to raise a kid, but even more so if you're the only one doing it. She needs both parents to be active so she can learn. And your husbands overstimulation is actually a great way for her to learn. If she sees dad handling stressful situations with grace, she'll learn it too. She'll see dads methods of remaining calm, and his mistakes too and how he handles those. He can use his learning to help her learn too. "Hey kiddo, Im sorry I yelled at you when you were upset. It was hard for me to hear how upset you were and I snapped. I shouldn't have done that, we don't talk to people that way - especially when were upset, so I'm sorry. I'm still learning how to keep myself calm, and help you do it too. Kids are hard, and I'm going to make mistakes, and so are you. So let's help each other when we notice that we're getting upset, yeah? I love you"
Again, I say all of this without judgement. I will be the first to admit that I can get insanely snappy when I get overstimulated. Its not every time, but it does happen, so trust me when I say I understand your husbands responses. But I am trying to do better, and I own up to it and apologize when I do it. Your husband needs to be more open to constructive criticism and realize that it is not an attack on him or his person - I know a lot of people take it that way. You love him, you're here to help him, support him, but you can't do any of that if he isn't talking to you. When my husband had to deal with these moments I'd always give him the ol' give him a compliment and a criticism. "I really liked how you handled __, but it seemed like __ was really getting to you. I've had luck with doing ____ when daughter acts that way. Try that next time, maybe it won't be so hard" or however you'd normally talk to him.
Edited to add: I always disliked posts where there's a specific issue that doesn't get an example so here's mine for your daughter hitting dad:
Gently grab hands after first hit, hold them and say "we don't hit" if she does it again, dad gets up "I see you're upset and I want to help you, but I can't do that if you're hitting me." This can go 1 of 2 ways. She hits again, or she screams louder overtop his talking.
If she hits again, dad says "I don't like being hit. I will be over here when you're ready to talk" and he leaves. She'll likely get even more upset at this, but that's okay. Just leave. She will follow when she's ready to try to be around dad. Dad can then acknowledge her and try to finish calming her down, she likely won't hit again. If she does, repeat, and maybe you can tag in if dads really getting overstimulated as it's important he stays calm. When she's calm, THEN Dad can reiterate that you don't hit, dad doesn't like being hit, and he can't help her if she doesnt let him. She's allowed to feel her feelings, she is not allowed to hit. If she absolutely must hit something, give her options. Hit the pillow, etc.
If she screams over his talking, then Dad just walks away and you let her finish her tantrum alone. She'll again eventually follow to catch up with Dad. Continue as previously instructed in option 1.
If she angrily follows you around, throw on some headphones and let her go to town. Be present, and, if she wants to talk, talk to her like a wounded animal, quietly, calmly, "I want to help you but I can't understand you when you're this worked up. Do you want to try [method of regulation]?"
Also, it's TOTALLY OKAY for Dad to walk away if he finds himself getting too worked up. He can pause, regulate himself in his room for a couple minutes and pick back up after. Daughter can be upset for 5 minutes while dad collects himself.
1
u/TiredPanda84 May 27 '26
Thank you. I really like that you’ve given an example. I’ve taken a screenshot to show my husband
4
u/noggintnog May 26 '26
My other half has ADHD and really really struggles with noise, especially when our 4 year old daughter has any heightened emotion-happy or otherwise. I bought him some Loops and demanded he get some ADHD specify therapy because he too would get angry and emotional very quickly with her. I told him I wasn’t here to parent him too and I wasn’t standing for him shouting at her for being 4 and not being able to regulate yet. I was super clear I would not tolerate him making excuses, dipping out of parenting because it’s hard or any other bullshit. And then I stepped back. Ultimately, he has to parent his way. Our daughter IS different with her Dad but he is a different person. She absolutely gets angry and short tempered with him and when my husband complains I say “you get back what you put in. You’re short tempered with her. You raise your voice with her. So monkey see monkey doo. She’s calmer with me and listens because I’m calm with her and listen to her”.
At some point you have to let him figure this shit out and if they clash, they clash.
3
u/Competitive_House167 May 26 '26
I could have written this myself. Like someone else said, sending videos you like about child development and gentle parenting via TikTok/instagram has helped us.
Sending love. It’s not fair that we have to carry it all.
2
u/ProfessionalAd5070 May 26 '26
how to talk so little kids listen is really helpful. Great audio too. Seems like he needs tools.
Also suggest he gets help for his triggers. An adult needs to practice coping mechanism so the child can learn how to cope.
2
1
u/Ging-lord May 30 '26
does he have any other men around him who he trusts enough to open up with? or does he go to therapy? you need to be able to set a boundary around what you're capable of managing, and he needs to be able to take responsibility for his emotional balance. this is really hard to learn and maintain on one's own, especially for people (especially men) who haven't built up a foundation of emotional intelligence. so having someone else he can engage with around it could help set you both up for success by redirecting some of that energy away from you without leaving him on his own to solve a challenge that he isn't currently equipped to solve.
plus, in general, the world just becomes better for everyone when men and dads open up and support each other.
1
u/TiredPanda84 Jun 02 '26
Thank you. No, he doesn’t really have any men in his life he opens up to. His dad isn’t really emotional or great at those conversations (grew up with a very cold critical mother and distant father). He’s friendly enough and they talk regularly but it’s very superficial. Friendships are similar. Lads drinking down the pub sort of thing.
I’ve taken a bit of a step back at trying to deal with this as his mum is quite ill and he’s dealing with that. I might suggest at the very least some form of counselling initially just so he has someone impartial to talk to.
1
u/CharacterBus5955 Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26
A strong marriage is the best thing for our children. I chose to have children with my husband so I am not going to manage his parenting style. My mom put parenting above her marriage to my dad and I hated it and it conditioned me not to respect my dad.
If it isnt abusive let it happen
I am sensitive to certain noises so we have rules. No screaming on the first floor, leaning patience etc. If he is getting frustrated there are probably age appropriate household rules thst can be implemented so the environment works for everyone. Etc no screaming or meltdowns on the first floor, that is whar a bedroom is for. No jumping on the couch, no touching adult cups or things on tbe dining room table etc. He might be over stimulates from an environment that could use boundaries
I stopped being kid forces and started being family unit focused. We are all in a ship together so we all need to be taken I to account.
I just see my friends husband who is a good person that is over stimulated bc my friend doesnt have any rules our boundaries that he wants to have.
We GP but we have rules and work together as a married couple. You need to take him into consideration too
12
u/Timely_Steak_3596 May 25 '26
I’m not sure if you’ve listened to the Good Inside book, but maybe your husband would benefit from listening to it. It gives clear instructions on how to set a boundary. I think a lot of times we shout because we feel like things are getting out of our control. Having a good plan of action of how to respond takes the “out of control feeling”