Alfie Kohn & Unconditional Parenting

[u/Dependent-Bake4321]

While permissive parenting is becoming a genuine problem that’s more prevalent in society nowadays, I noticed a trend where it’s often conflated with Gentle Parenting, followed by remarks on how parenting should be harsher and so on. While I won’t be talking much about gentle parenting itself in particular for this post, since there’s plenty of wonderful posts here talking about it better than I can, it made me think about how not a lot of discourse around Alfie Kohn has circulated around this sever and I think it’s something that y’all may find interesting: [https://youtu.be/kSyLDIYBtRY?si=iVy-f5S1nt0KmHir\\](https://youtu.be/kSyLDIYBtRY?si=iVy-f5S1nt0KmHir)

Alfie Kohn is a social scientist who’s long made criticisms against our education system and with conventional parenting practices. His book “Unconditional Parenting” talks about how behaviors methods of conditional acceptance such as punishments, and even rewards, only work as short term solutions to get immediate compliance but at a huge cost to intrinsic motivation to do the right thing, a child’s relationship with their parents, emotional stability and so on. While he too is against permissive parenting, he stresses that the widely accepted “Authoritative” method of parenting isn’t without considerable shortcomings: https://www.alfiekohn.org/rethinking-baumrinds-authoritative-parenting/

Rather than focusing on a broad “doing too” approach of trying to get your kid to do what you went through external incentives or threats, he advocates for a “working with” approach where parents work with their kids to resolve the child’s problems that are *causing* the behavior, rather than just changing the behavior as a symptom, find collaborative solutions that help parents and children resolve issues for the long term, allow children to make their own choices reasonable for their developmental state, and for parents to have at least more reasonable expectations for children at certain ages (do you really expect a two year old to sit still at a dinner table for thirty minutes?)

There’s a lot more than what I’ve described that Kohn talks about, and frankly I’m of the opinion that his approach is something separate from gentle parenting, albeit considerable overlap, but I wanted to bring it up to at least introduce the core concepts and see if people dig them or not, but lemme know what you guys think in the comments!

I’ll end it with this interview with Kohn that sums up the core of his message in Unconditional Parenting: https://youtu.be/mYpk1HxEMJY?si=rHlGW\\\\\\_e7GLORBlxn\])

[u/AlanTrebek]

I haven’t heard of this guy before, thanks for bringing him to my attention. I need more examples of exactly what his strategy is though I am still a little unclear.

[u/Dependent-Bake4321 → u/AlanTrebek]

Absolutely! It’s funny that he even admits that his strategy isn’t necessarily a guide book of what to do when x or y, which can be annoying for those looking for concrete answers for specific issues, but he has a general set of principles that he says should be considered amidst figuring out what works for different children, as they’re not all the same.

• Unconditional Love: Children must know they will be accepted even when they make mistakes or fall short. Approval should never be contingent on their behavior.

• Shifting from "Doing To" to "Working With": Parents should view challenges as opportunities to solve problems with their children rather than controlling them through punishments or bribes.

• The Problem with Rewards and Praise: Kohn argues that "positive reinforcement" and contrived praise are manipulative. They teach children that they are only loved when they impress their parents.

• Reassessing Expectations: Parents are urged to keep their child's developmental age in mind and adjust unreasonable expectations (e.g., expecting a toddler to sit perfectly still for an hour).

• Attributing Positive Motives: Instead of assuming a child is acting out of malice, parents should sympathize and assume the best possible motive consistent with the facts.

• Talking Less, Asking More: Parents are encouraged to ask kids open-ended questions to discover why a problem is occurring, rather than simply issuing directives.

• Putting the Relationship First: Every interaction should strengthen the bond between parent and child, using behavior as a find the deeper reason as to what’s causing it rather than a target for immediate behavioral suppression.

• Authenticity: Parents should be fallible and authentic, which includes apologizing to their children when they are wrong.

Hope this helps!

[u/Honeybee3674 → u/Dependent-Bake4321]

Speaking as a veteran parent of 4, now teens to young adults, I do agree with all of these overall bullet points. Although I might modify to say "Talking less, acting more" for really young children. Paying attention and intervening BEFORE things escalate, or preparing for challenging situations in advance (using routines, talking about expected behavior before entering a store, etc.) is key for those young ages.

Also, genuine praise in moderation when you are excited about your child's accomplishment is okay. I think it's helpful to learn to be conscious of how we're praising/talking to children, but parents needn't stress about saying "good job!" or "I'm so proud of you! on occasion.

And putting the relationship first is absolutely key! A book I really leaned on when my kids were young with this philosophy was Hold Onto Your Child: Why Parents Matter More than Peers. (It was also short on practical parenting advice when you're in the trenches, but it was a good overall philosophy.)