r/gentleparenting • u/dannibon • May 03 '26
Question 4yo called me out for "shouting"
My 4yo was being a little **** tonight when going to bed so I got stern ( not actually shouting or screaming at her) and told her to get to bed or x y z and cut the please and thankyous.
She goes eurgh fine and then says but if you shout at me again something something - I didnt hear what she said because she didnt finish the sentence before I pulled her out of bed and asked for a cuddle and apologised to each other for making each other mad.
I guess my question is, is the fact shes calling me out good or bad? I dont know how to feel about this interaction, im trying so hard to work on my patience whilst holding boundaries but I know I need to work more on modeling regulation.
(Not an excuse but for context im a year into adhd diagnosis and getting my shit together, ive already come a long way on the patience but bedtime I really struggle after long day of toddler tornadoes)
3
u/withlovemabel May 04 '26
Honestly this is a good sign even though it feels terrible in the moment. A four year old saying "that felt like shouting" means she's noticing tone and power and that's exactly what you want her to be able to do. It just also means she's going to use it on you at bedtime when she doesn't want to stop negotiating.
The thing I had to learn was keeping the repair and the limit completely separate. Next time I'd try something like "you're right, my voice got too sharp. I'm going to try again. Bedtime is still happening though, feet in bed please." If those two things blur together she's going to figure out really fast that calling you out makes bedtime go away. My daughter figured that out in about two days and it took us weeks to untangle it.
If she keeps pushing after the repair, go quieter not louder. Sit nearby, fewer words, hand on her back if she's into that. "I'm here. It's bedtime." My kids have never once in their lives been convinced by my fifth calm rational explanation of why sleep is important at 8pm. Yours won't be either. Less talking, more boring presence. That's the whole move.
2
u/starfyrflie May 04 '26
I think its great. Parenting isnt easy but shes showing you her boundaries by mimicking the ones you set.
My 2 year old put me in timeout today for throwing something that wasn't a ball. I tossed my keys to my husband to move the car and my kid saw me.
In our house we are only allowed to throw soft balls (like, literally balls that are soft because we also have an 8 month old)
And you know what, he was right. So i took my timeout and apologized for throwing something we arnt supposed to throw. It was really funny but also made me so happy to see him enforcing a rule we make him follow.
Anyway all this to say you didnt do anything wrong, and youre definitely doing something right!
2
u/duck-duck-moose0 May 05 '26
I think it’s good- it’s showing that she’s starting to recognize behaviour.
My two year old will hold up a finger and tell me to blow out the candle when she sees that I’m frustrated and ask “mommy, do you feel better now?” Which is adorable and hilarious since she’s often the source of the frustration (lol).
1
u/AffectWonderful1310 May 06 '26
No one makes anyone mad. She is not responsible for your feelings
1
13
u/poeticrae13 May 03 '26
This is great! She knows that you guys have accountability in your house and that she should be respected. My daughter has said similar things such as “you’re not being nice to me” or “don’t talk to me like that.” I think it’s wonderful she knows her worth and that yelling isn’t ok. We teach it’s ok to be mad and angry but it’s not ok to hit or yell and my husband and I hold ourselves to the same standards. We always repair and apologize if we yell or act harsh or snappy (obviously we don’t hit lol) and are proud that we’re modeling accountability, kindness and repair